"Troubles" By Stephen Green II

They say troubles come in 3’s;

I say that troubles grow on trees.

Smoke billows around weeping willows

And all is silent upon the tear-stained pillows.

In a young man’s room where shadows promise comfort,

The loneliness of the Middle dampens every effort

To be more than just a byproduct of lust and desire;

To be more than a pawn’s head placed upon a crooked spire. 

They say troubles come in 3’s

I say that troubles grow on trees.

Shelters are prisons and forts are cages;

Punishments plus smiles are offered as wages.

Insensitively screaming “You think you got the stuff?!”

To the boy that dared to say “Dad,that’s enough.”

Other-worldly strength hidden behind weakness.

The strength of a man behind involuntary meekness. 

They say troubles comes in 3’s

I say troubles grow on trees. 

Yet there is hope amidst the strain 

And priceless is the gain

When one survives the storm

And goes against the norm.

A Christian most suceeds

When troubles grow on trees.

The Art of Giving and Receiving

This past week I met up with the head rector of my church for lunch and conversation. We discussed a great many things going on in my life and the various decisions that I currently am facing. I shared my frustrations and my concerns about my lack of ministry work since having been in Knoxville and my failed attempt to be involved in a ministry earlier on in the year, to which he gave a response I was not expecting. "God is trying to teach you to receive", he said, "He is balancing you out and not allowing you to give because in giving you have control and in receiving you have none. Learn to receive. It's ok that God has you in this place and it's ok to receive."

These words have taken a good deal of my thinking and pondering this week. He is completely right! It;s is good to be someone who knows how to be giving, but it is also good to be one who can receive when the need is there. It is not an easy thing for me to receive money and gifts, even when I have great need of it; in my pride I often refrain from turning to others for help. This deprives others of the opportunity to show Christ to me, as well as causes me to suffer for my own pride. I am, in a sense, dishonoring the beauty of the Church and not allowing her to function as She should in the world because I brush off help and say "that is for someone in greater need tan I."

At the same time, the church needs to be ready to show love and grace to those in need, especially those within the body of Christ. I remember several years back I was sitting with a few people from my church that I didn't know very well. They were older members of the congregation and,, as far as I knew, very active seekers of God and His will. One of the kids from the small group I led was there with me as well. As we were sitting, a man entered the church and approached us; he asked if he could speak with an elder of the church or the pastor. He explained that he was in great need and was looking for anyone who would help him; he also stated that his own church had denied him any service or aid.

In response I explained that the church did not have "elders" but that I would be more than welcome to direct him to the secretary and he might be able to speak with the head pastor. I directed him to the offices and then returned to me seat. After he had departed, one of the two older members spoke. "I wouldn't DARE show up at a church like that asking for help!", she said, "When I and my husband hit rock bottom I went and found another job and I paid off our bills and I pulled us out of debt! The nerve!" This angered me greatly, but I stayed calm. I tried to reason with her but she would not budge. Lost in her pride, she refused to to even see that the church is the first place a person in need should turn. She was caught up in her own achievements and allowed those to justify her indignite behavior towards the man that came knocking and, in humility, asking for aid.

As far as I know, that man did receive help. Thankfully, the leadership was not as arrogant and and unloving as that woman. We all have areas of our life that we fail in, and we must all go through the process of being purged of our false thinking. I pray that that woman will one day see the errors in her thinking so that she can begin to fulfill the gospel in an even greater way rather than boasting in the false gospel of achievement.

In the same way, I have failed. I have fallen for the false gospel of achievement by seeking to be the giver and by doing deeds to gain favor, rather than doing good simply because I love God or because I love people. Giving out of selfish motivation and self gratification/glorification is just as sinful as the woman belittling the man and boasting of her on achievements.

Love God. Love others as yourself.

These summarize all the law, and when we do these we learn to engage in the art of giving and receiving to/from God and to/from our community of believers.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

"It Goes On"

There was once a great, American poet by the name of Robert Frost who spoke to the hearts and souls of western civilization. Though he has long since passed from this Earth, his words echo through the years and we are affected still. It is said that he once stated that he found that Life could be summed up into three simple words: "It goes on."

These words have become the catchphrase of my life, as well as for a few of my closest friends. Hardship, struggle, and purging are the essence of what it means to be alive, 20-something, and/or Christian. This is way of life in a world full of sin and darkness. It is the graces of God that keep up going and prevent us from breaking under the pressure of sin's consequences. By all reason, the world should have collapsed on itself ages ago, but the work of the Spirit has kept everything at bay. 

In the midst of the deeply rooted pain in my soul and the Spirit's surging of my heart, which is not so much more pleasant, I have begun to gain the faintest understanding of Christ's work of redemption in us. I have seen such growth in myself, and yet I see that I have even farther to go that I once thought. I am a sinner. I am tainted by the falsity and broken desires that compel me to act and think in ways that are contrary to the wholeness that God designed in humanity at the genesis of time. The knowledge of how much weight I bear verses  that reality that Christ bears much more of my baggage for me is a humbling thing. Christ is with me, always. Life goes on. It's hard to think that there is more ahead; that one must not submit themselves to despair but instead push forward with all their might to "live". The refusing to cave under the already tremendous pressure is a difficult task and one that is to often left unaccomplished. 

There is a time for peace and a time for war. I'm learning to trust Christ and to know that I can't wait around for things to just be better. Life doesn't wait for anyone...it goes on. Bad things are inevitable and suffereing will occur, but it's ok because life goes on...

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

10 Minutes that Changed a Life

Many years ago I found myself doing an odd job that involved me driving a van all over Chattanooga delivering flowers for Valentine's day. I took dozens of flowers all over the area. One in particular stood out to me the most and still touches my heart even today.

I approaches this small house on missionary ridge and, as I had with so many houses before, checked thrice to make sure that I had the right address. Once I was certain that I had arrived in the right place I approached the door. An elderly, black woman opened the door and greeted me. I returned the greeting and asked "Are you Ms. Joy?" (pseudonym....duh). She responded with a very confused "yes?", and at it was then that I offered her the flowers.

Her eyes flew open wide with shock and she began stumbling over her words as she asked, "What? What? For ME?! Are you SURE?! Who would send ME flowers?!" As she took the flowers from my hand she began to cry, still asking if I was sure they were hers and if I knew who sent them. She held the flowers close as tears ran down her face in pure happiness from receiving the unexpected Valentine.

Ms. Joy no longer looked at me with confusion and as if I were a stranger. No, I was now embraced with a look that spoke of friendship and love. Though we knew each other not, the barriers of defense and difference had been removed. She hugged me in gratitude and thanked me immensely for delivering the flowers to her. Soon she began sharing the gospel with me and exhorting me to be encouraged to always chase after God's will for my life!

Soon we bid each other farewell and went our separate ways. That 10 minute encounter changed my life. I didn't know who sent the flowers, but I hope that she found that person so as to be able to show her love and gratitude to them as well. I hope they know how much they deeply affected Ms. Joy that day.

There are so many people out there living in utter loneliness. In a world that is so heavily saturated by social media and means of communication, we are beyond "disconnected". The very people in our churches and even our own families go throughout their days in loneliness; they are overwhelmed by the deafening silence. They go un-encouraged and feeling completely out of place in the world. Teenagers cry themselves to sleep at night not knowing whether or not they are loved by their parents; young women give themselves away to advantageous young men who see their craving for affirmation and love. We can change the world, but not by bribes, petitions, force, or hype. No, we change the world through the power of Christ and by the outpouring of the love of Christ. We can restore the Church by just stepping out to love those that we share pews with every week.

It's not Valentine's Day for a couple more months, but that doesn't mean that we can't go out of our way to show love and appreciation to those around us. Perhaps you know of someone who is lonely or in need of some encouragement right now. Why not do some small, random kindness to them so they might know that they are not alone; to let them know that they have not gone unnoticed or unloved? You can touch the life of a lonely, old women, and you might even change a delivery boys life too.

Love God and Love others...

Grace & Peace,

Stephen

Priority Shift

Of late I have been heavily contemplating what my next step in life should be. I believe that I have allowed myself to fall into an inconsistency in thought, as well as having submitted myself to enslavement to time by means of worrying. Worrying about what I want to do and where I go and about wasting time…and in turn wasting time. Time isn't going to stop to wait for me to decide to do something. It goes on while I sit around and weigh my options and pick apart my desires to make sure that I truly want to do the things I think I want to do. It’s quite ironic actually.

Additionally, I have been mulling over the nature of my blog and what I want my blog to be. I have shifted around quite a bit over the last couple years, and if you have read farther back into my blog you might detect the change in style and subject matter between now and the genesis of my public writing. I went through a period of time where I tried to advocate theological positions and intentionally push thoughts out for people to mull over. Too much of what was written during that time was artificial and manufactured. I fought for words rather than writing my heart out with the natural flow of my soul. It wasn't fully me and, as a result, my writing suffered. This is a revelation that I have received in my contemplating my use of time and current perspective of life and career.

In turn, I believe it is important that I restructure my blog. I want it to be a place for honest words and thoughts, but not to the point where it becomes a place to just emotionally rape the eyes of my readers. To a degree I believe that my blog has already begun to reflect this desire. This is not a place for me to just spill emotions and rant about life. It is, however, a place to wrestle with real questions and to invite others to join me in questioning and reflection, not just me trying to advocate my opinions. When I do share my opinions, however, I am seeking to be more straight forward and honest in my doing so, rather than dancing around them (as I too often do). This place is an honest place.

It is time my friends for a priority shift and change of focus. For “life is short and there is but little time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us. Therefore, be quick to love and make haste to be kind.”

Grace and Peace

Stephen

Giving Grace

In college, I was forced to wrestle with the attributes of God and His character. A topic of great difficulty for me was the topic of Grace. I believed in the grace of God, but I didn't fully grasp it. Heck I'm still far from fully comprehending the grace of God, but who truly understands any given attribute of God? 

As with most things, we often fail to take such things into balance. We all too often fall to one extreme or another, leaving us acting as if grace doesn't even exists or forgetting that God is also our Judge and will hold us accountable for our actions at all. Sin is evil. God hates sin. There is grace for those who repent. 

God has been reminding me of the importance of grace in my life: recognizing my sinful state, being grateful for the grace that I don't deserve but am given regardless, and accepting with joy the reality that I am called to do the same. Grace and love for all. I am not God, but I represent him on this earth. I am, therefore, called to to speak truth to those I encounter, be honest about sin, and then show grace. 

I often fail to show grace for the small things. When a lot of grace is required I am able to give it, but it's the small subtle actions that shouldn't be so hard to forgive or to show grace for that I struggle with. This is mainly with other people though, grace for family is a much more difficult ground to conquer. In some ways, this feels like a great tragedy. Shouldn't family be the easiest to forgive and to give grace to? For many this may be true, but I do not believe this is the rule, nor do I believe that a struggle to show grace to a family member is any more of an issue than the struggle to give grace to a total stranger. 

Christ taught grace and He displayed this in his eating with tax collectors and talking with prostitutes. He gave Himself to the sinners of this world in ultimate sacrifice for their sins, and this is the love He has for us and it is the love that He demands of us. Thankfully...there is grace! For we are not capable of full and complete love as our God has. We are the fallen: the dark and hideous shadows of creation, and yet God loves us and grants us grace to be able to give grace to others. So next time that guy at work won't shut up and just rants away about stuff he knows nothing about, when that friend shafts you and leaves you high and dry, or that woman behind the counter of the gas station is a total jerk to you,  remember that Christ gave us grace for our sins in entire and that giving grace for minor things as a rude cashier, an annoying co-worker, or a betrayal of a friend is not too big a thing to give. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Joyful Lament: Preparing for the Season of Advent

We are but a week away from the month of December and from the liturgical time of Advent! In the midst of overwhelming commercialism it is easy to lose the beauty and meaning of this holiday season. It's unfortunate that the holidays have too often become about selfishness and greed.

In the upcoming cold and desolate month we will be buying gifts, hanging ornaments, verbally and emotionally assaulting each other over costs and item availability, stuffing our faces, destroying our teeth, and complaining about getting the wrong color for the iPod Touch we asked for. It's incredible that the symbol of Christmas is a Bishop/Saint and yet the Church often goes unremembered and Christ is neglected.

Christmas and Advent is, and will always be, a Christian holiday. People get angry when politicians have "holiday" trees instead of Christmas trees. If they aren't Christians then they can call them whatever they want, the holiday has no real significance or importance to them anyways.

The giving of gifts is a beautiful tradition of Christmas. I am by no means saying that gift-giving should be eliminated from this holy day since it is the day God gave the greatest gift of all: His Son...Himself. We live in the realm of ungratefulness, never remembering the true beauty of Christ's coming. Advent is to be a time where we celebrate and rejoice in the greatness of God and His love for us, but it should also be a reminder of the darkness that was before Christ came into our lives. This reality should also bring our minds to the harshness of sin that still remains in the world and all that is yet to be brought into full subjection to Christ. There are still millions of people who have yet to even hear of Christ!

That said, Advent should be a time of lament, but it should also be a time of repentance; remembering that the reason Christ came was to save us from the sin that destroys our society, culture, economy, and
government. He came so that He would die and usher in the age of the Church, and God forbid that we eat and drink in celebration of His coming without first falling on our knees in humility and fearful trembling in the revelation of our sinful state.

May we all be fasting and praying as we approach the day set aside in memorium to Christ's birth.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Entertaining Unaware

This past week I found myself sitting in a McDonald's with three friends just chatting about a thousand random things. We discussed everything from giant bears to preferred form of death to bible to psychology to Lord knows what! We jumped to whatever topic was on our minds and we're having a blast discussing it all.

As we were talking about what it would be like to be killed by attacks from wild beasts (yea...I know), we were suddenly interrupted by a man in his late 40's who had been sitting not far from our booth. He expressed great joy in having been able to sit by and having overheard our conversation! We learned that the man was a pastor from the area and we had the opportunity to hear about some missions trips he was working on and we were able to pray for him before he left. While his initial interaction with us was slightly awkward, it was a rewarding and enriching addition to our night.

First and foremost, we were made aware of our having blessed someone else through our, well, living! We were ourselves and were able to bring the man joy! He stated that listening to us reminded him of his need to sit back and enjoy life; slow down and enjoy the simple things including conversations with friends about nothing in particular. This is a good things for all of us to remember!

Second, I was reminded that what we do doesn't always go unseen, or unheard! We influence and shape the world around us in small ways every day. This is why walking in love and displaying Christ everywhere we go is so important! People see it! You might be entertaining angels without knowing it right?

I was glad that he had taken the time and had the courage to approach us and tell us of how we had affected him. It makes me wonder how many people have overheard me talking with others and have been moved by what we said or if someone's day had been brightened. Also, how many chances am I missing out on in public places to hear and listen to the world around me just because I don't take the time to notice. While I wouldn't intentionally ease drop on a conversation, I can see and hear a great deal going on around me just by taking my headphones off and being more present in the local coffee shop I'm sitting in or the mall that I work at or whatever!

I want, and need, to be more present in my environment and not retreat from my surroundings so often. I miss prime opportunities for learning and for teaching by closing myself up in the prison of my Pandora station, but if I would just take the head phones off and let myself exist in fullness within the habitat that I have occupied...my life might change a thousand times more.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Whole Desire

We all face questions and desires in the course of our lives and how we react to them shapes who we are and who we will become. For some, it is a subtle tingling in the back of their minds that whispers of an idea or proposes the the ghost of a question. These questions are distant and though they matter in a way, they are left in the shallow waters of desire and spontaneity, and often are answered without care or much thought. Yet there are some who simply yield to the wills and dreams of others, ignoring their own questions and passions.

For others, they cry to the world the pain of their inquiry. They beckon any to come and answer, ever seeking and wanting to examine every fragment of the question that leeches upon their soul. For them the questions are a matter of life and death; without an answer, purpose and passion cease. Actions are pointless. Life ends before it begins. they have yearnings to complete their accomplishments and forsake all else, hellbent on bringing their desires to pass.

I do not fall in either of these extremes. In fact, I 'd say I land dangerously close to the fence: filled with questions that, without answers, that are siphoning the life out of me, while also not caring enough to throw myself in to the torrent that might yield the clarity I seek. I have a great deal in my life that I desire to understand and things I wish to do, but I am unmotivated. I do not fully desire these things, for if I did I would surely seek to fulfill them. I do not wholly wish to know a foreign language, so I learn a few words and quit. I do not wholly wish desire to loose weight, otherwise I would face the pain and the struggle of exercise to accomplish this. I am lacking motivation and discipline.

What I am really dealing with here is a lack of intentionality and self-control.

I find that this is a continuation on the topic of "doing", which I wrote about briefly about a month ago. If I wish to "do", then my will must be brought into submission and I must realize (and accept) the pain and struggles that I will endure to accomplish my desires. To be fit is to exercise. To know a language is to study hard. Nothing comes without a cost, a price to be paid. To know the love of another demands time and empathy; it demands that one be willing to suffer. I am finding that this is the way of life. I am finding also that I have failed to see the value of what I would gain and have not been willing to cash the check.

So what about you? Is there anything that you have wanted to do but have not fully committed to? Perhaps it's a physical discipline, or a mental one? Maybe you have desire in the realm of the spiritual that has been left unfulfilled? Look at it, examine it, accept the cost, and decide for yourself "is it worth it?"

Let's get out and do something y'all. Let's move out of the realm of half-way desiring something into the realm of wholly desiring something that we might then go and fulfill them.

Grace and peace,

Stephen

The Weight of Expectation

Most of us grow up in environments that come with a set of expectations. Some are healthy and some not so healthy. More often than not, these expectations are unwritten and, nearly as often, unrecognized for what they truly are. I experienced many of these said expectations in my own life, and I have watched many others either bow to or rebel against the ones set for them.

“Love makes the world go round, but money greases the wheel.” These are the words that I hear every time I have a conversation with my grandfather. He set high expectations for my brother and I to study hard, do well in school, and get degrees that led to jobs that [aid well and allowed us to live comfortably. There is nothing wrong with him desiring his grandchildren to live well, but the problem lies in not being willing to accept that we might desire to pursue careers and callings that lack significant income.

The expectation that I will work hard and work to take care of my future family is more than reasonable, and definitely biblical, but as a single man I have less responsibilities to uphold and can live with less income. Not work less hard, but definitely not worry as much about having the means to live “comfortably.” In fact, I do not find in necessary for me to gain more income just for the sake of having my heat turned on for the winter. I can survive just fine without it, as have hundreds upon hundreds of my ancestors. No, not needed. I do, however, have the responsibility of paying off medical debts and student loans and therefore income is essential for accomplishing this, and for getting sufficient food to be healthy enough to work. (Which...yea failing on that one...)

At the same time, while there are those that bear the weight of high-success expectations, many more bear the weight of low-success expectations. Those who are told their entire lives by friends and family that they will never amount to anything, that they will end up broke and pregnant, that they will their lives on the streets as a beggar. There are those that have no hope for fulfilling their dreams or living an average life because of a community that chains them down by broken expectations, and others still are unmotivated for having not been given expectations to begin with.

The worst is probably the expectations we place upon ourselves. If we really thought about it, there are no expectations outside of the ones we place upon ourselves. How do other peoples’ expectations enslave us? We adopt them in our lives and nail ourselves to them. We rate our success and failures according to what has been presented to us. We are at fault. I...am at fault. So how do we remedy this?

Recognizing the issue is a great first step! Acceptance of the truth is almost always a needed ingredient to true change! Once we see what is happening we can begin acting on it.

Now, here is the hard part. I can tell you from personal experience that knowing a truth does not make acting on it easy to do. In fact you might have to go back to step one a few times. The next step is a matter will power and discipline. Willpower to push oneself to do and to NOT do; to resist the pushing and twisting of other people intrusions and forced philosophies.

Don't get me wrong, we need other people to push us and to raise our expectations to a healthy level that will make us better people, but without breaking us. We need to understand that living our dreams and also living in the realm of responsible, well-balanced life requires that we engage in community and seek counseling form older and wiser people. To make sure that we don't pursue "dreams" that are completely foolish (think of some American Idol contestants).

Sometimes our dreams and desires need to be reformed. These change as we begin to understand ourselves, our talents, and our abilities. I will never be an Olympian. I would be a fool to chase after that, but I can be a much more fit man and I can pursue that. I will never get a hit record, but I can sing and I can practice that and use that in significant ways. I have a talent for teaching and I can pursue that route (though I definitely won't be "greasing the wheel" with that job).

Lastly, pray. Seek God and ask Him to guide you and help you to see His truth. The truth of who God made you to be and what He wants you to do. God's expectations not without struggle and are not accomplished without the exertion of energy, but they are easy and light. When we pursue the expectation of Christ, we honor Him and He helps us where we lack strength. We dwell in a healthy and freeing set of standards.

You might just suddenly find everything flipped on ya. 

Grace and peace,

Stephen

Heroes and Heroines: The Role-models That Shape Us

We have thousand of of stories of heroes and heroines. I believe that a lot of these stories of heroes, along with their antagonists affect the way we look at the world we live in and change how we function. I think that we might be, sadly, implanting false concepts into the minds of our children.

Everyone loves Superman. The shining beacon of perfection for all humanity right? Superman stands above all the other characters in Metropolis in that he is the only one who always thinks of others and he alone protects the whole of metropolis...and the world. With a few punch and couple shots of laser-eye power, the big, blue boy-scout overcomes villain after villain.

So...the only purely amazing and moral human is...well, an alien? I guess that's also why there are so many evil people and so few good ones. Is this being translated into the minds of our kids that there is more evil than good and if good is to prevail it needs to come in the form of something alien to ourselves and is buffer
than the Governator and flies fast enough to out run a bullet and maybe even turn back time? Well...coming from a Christian perspective of the world...goodness comes from God and sometimes He seems alien enough, but strength of a single "human" isn't what will overcome evil.

Let's look at Wonder Woman. The woman carved from stone to be a daughter for Hades and...whatever her name was. Again, we find ourselves with a leader and guardian that is very...alien. Additionally, it seems that a woman can only be heroic is they dress like they just came out of a strip club. Can't they beat their enemies without trying to distract them with their own lust and raging hormones? That's fighting dirty! Most Heroines seem to have the mindset that they can't fight unless that show a little cleavage and/or mid-drift. Sorry sweetheart, looking good is not an essential part fighting crime and overcoming evil. This sets an unhealthy mindset into our daughters...and quite frankly our boys as well. Personally, if I had a daughter I wouldn't want her to grow up thinking that the only way she can lead and change the world is to run around in her panties and a tank top! A little more leg doesn't increase your chances of saving the day. Sorry, Zatana.

I think there needs to be more stories like that of Batman, an ordinary man that, through discipline and willpower, overcame his limitations and became the humble hero that made the hard self-sacrificing decisions and used his whit and passion to drive himself to being a force to be reckoned with. Additionally, the story of Batman tells of a need for community. Bruce Wayne cannot single-handedly defeat evil. He needs the faithful, loving care of Alfred and the companionship of others to reach his goal. He leads and he disciples.

The X-Men and the Avengers series also show the need for community and relationship that is vital for living in the real world. We need community to overcome our weaknesses and to form our special gifts and talents. This is reality. Even the Lone Ranger wasn't all that "Lone".

We need more stories that display truth and teach our kids that you don't need super powers of some bizarre origin (like a father that happens to be the Greek god of water) to be able to slay dragons and topple regimes. However, we need the beautiful stories of meta humans and Avatars that spark imagination and creativity in the minds of our children...and even in the minds of adults.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Feeling the Tug

Ever since Spring of '10 I have been in love with travel. I enjoy seeing new places and being in cultures unfamiliar to me, and in the time of my college career I was blessed with many opportunities to go abroad and visit lands outside my own. I miss those opportunities, but have sought to make the most of what I have now here in my homeland, which I have missed and loved returning to. I found, however, that I can't escape the desire to travel and have new experiences. This, I believe, primarily comes out of having been changed and molded by my travels. I have seen greater change in my life and have been challenged by my surroundings and by people in my travels. I long for that again.

I believe that the time has come to begin actually doing something about my situation and my life, that I begin meeting new people and having adventures and new experiences. I have been incredibly blessed with gifts, talents, and desires, and even more so that I have become tied down by a relationship and, therefore, have no true responsibilities to anyone outside of paying off a few minor debts. This past year I have allowed myself to feel overwhelmed and enslaved by those said debts and by the expectations and beliefs of others, but that is an unhealthy and unreasonable way to live. I am free and should be living as such.

In my liberty to choose my life and my next steps, and trusting that God is guiding my will by the transformative work of His Spirit, I will do what is necessary to do what I desire to do and discover more of the world and of myself. I need to stop selling myself short and not being being the leader that I am just because of false self-talk and and because of I am putting myself down or letting people put me down or control me. It is unacceptable and dishonorable to God who made me who I am and has guided me through life to this point. He did not give me desires and gifts to be buried in the dirt, but instead to be used and invested in the world. In this I have failed greatly.

My soul screams out the pain of loss and realization, but also in joy that truth prevails and I can step out of my current situation stronger than ever and overcome the lingering shadows of sin and soul-enslavement. I have set boundaries on my life that diminish my ability to act and I have not set proper boundaries for humanity, and where I have set boundaries I have failed to defend them from intruders that barge through.

I have let time and opportunity slip by because of foolishness and bowing to the whims and perceived thoughts of others. I have feared humanity more than I have God and as a result I have become enslaved to humanity, to the philosophies and expectations of my parents, and to the broken culture that I dwell in. I am the one at fault. Through Christ who liberated me and gave me His Holy Spirit, I can break free of the darkness of my fears; I enjoy His creation and His presence forever and ever and go into the world.


Grace and peace,

Stephen

Anniversary Thoughts

It has been a crazy week! I've had a lot of really great opportunities to talk with great friends, and even total strangers, and in doing so have found my life enhanced. I am still facing a lot of questions about life and the future. As I approach my one year anniversary of living in Knoxville, I can't help but look back at my life just one year ago...wow, it's only been a year?

One year ago I was turning in my 2 weeks notice at Republic Parking System in Chattanooga and preparing myself for my new job at 21st Mortgage here in Knox. I was incredibly nervous, but also excited! I saw this as the opportunity to change my entire life situation and move into bigger and greater things, as well as discover my path for the future! My plans were shot out of the sky really quickly...

I have learned more about God, the world, and myself than I could have ever imagined. I've gained life skills and gained insight to my soul that I never would expected. I thought that in just a year of being out from under my parents house and being on my own that I would have overcome all my past, my pain, and my struggles. I thought that I would walk out of this past year a spiritual guru and be disciplined in every aspect to the zenith of my ability. Oh how I was wrong. I couldn't have been more wrong. But Christ in His love, grace, and mercy has done a far greater thing in me than I could have imagined. He has shown me my inability to accomplish these great desires on my own, reminding me of mt need to rely on Him, as well as to rely on other human beings. The need and desire for community with God and with others is by far one of the most important concepts that God has awakened in me this past year.

This last year has been definitely forming for me, and also incredibly humbling. I've learned a lot, and even though I didn't do everything I wanted to do and change in the ways that I believed I would, I have found that God has brought life to me and made me a much better person and prepared me in ways I couldn't have imagined. It hasn't always been fun, and it has definitely not been easy, but it was all what I needed to be the person I am now. I have much to learn and I still have many goals that I seek to accomplish, but now I am looking at them with fresh perspective and renewed energy, as well as reset priorities.

My friends...it's a beautiful and messed up world. I'm glad to be in it with y'all.

Grace and Peace

Stephen

The Suffereing That Changes

Is it New Years yet? Why? Because I have been doing a lot of reflecting over this year occurrences, as well as have been examining myself and analyzing  the changes that I have undertaken. God has brought me through some really crazy stuff this past year and allowed me to suffer in His presence and to endure by His unfelt love and His unfelt provision. Suffering is often associated with the works of Satan, but often is sent by God for the purpose of purging us of our uncleanness and false thinking or false actions. False being defined, not as unreal, but as ungodly or misguided.

I've nearly made it a year without A/C and heat, I've made it 6 months without home internet, and I've endured suffering in relationships, spiritual matters, and financial stability. I say these things, not to gain pity or get a pat on the back, but simply to say that I have endured things that I can clearly see God using to change me from the inside out. He is ringing about a heart change through life change and even though at the end of the month I left with spare "change"  I am grateful for it all.

Some of the ways that God has used suffering are the building of endurence, the building of appreciation for what is (and for what is not) and compassion for others who suffer or lack. My focus and drive have been redirected, my doubts have been challenged, my fears have been confronted, and my thinking has undergone severe correcting. This is the glorious truth of our God. He does yield to our every whim, but desires to give us good things and to give us good things He often uses the bad things in us and the darkness of the world to make His Light shine all the brighter. Glory be to God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit whose power does greater things in us than we can ever pray for or even imagine! For He does not allow us to suffer forever, and He will not turn is face from us too long; He will not leave nor forsake, but instead He will bend down pick us up from our filth, clean us, and bring us into His house to dwell in goodness and Light.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Ridin' Solo

It is no secret to those who know me that at this time in my life I am making little to no effort to enter into a "serious relationship". This is due to my current financial, spiritual, and all around life status. What most people don't know is that I have been prayerfully considering taking vows of eternal singleness. This is not something that I take lightly or would advise people doing on a whim. to take such a vow must be done with
the realization that breaking it would be detrimental to one's health (and soul) but also is an incredibly

honorable sacrifice to God. One must know their reasons for doing so and be certain that God has not called them to life of marriage. It is a decision that must be made in community and with mentor ship and patience.

That said, I have found that through discussions and seeking advice from friends and mentors, that I do not believe that I am called to singleness. In the very least I will not be taking my vows and I will be keeping an eye open for possibilities. Given that so few people in my life knew that I was considering this, I have found it interesting how several people have come to me to talk about their wrestling with the subject themselves; expressing their contemplation of permanent celibacy.

What exactly does it look like to be a celibate? Let's break this down a little bit. First and foremost, I would advise asking a monk or nun to share their experience in the matter. After all, they most likely are able to describe that life style more than most.

To give up sex is to give up marriage and (this will surprise some people) to give up marriage is to give up sex. Biblically the two coincide. You aren't supposed to have one without the other.

Giving these up means...well, no children. There is an exception to this. There is a young woman in Africa by the name of Katie who has adopted over a dozen children and single handedly is raising those kids. However, you can say goodbye to blood-related children or continuing you're bloodline (which isn't as biog a deal within the context of Christianity).

Altered social life. No double dates. No dates. Life priorities and focus change. Less responsibilities to handle at home, and freedom to go and do stuff at the drop of the hat. Greater risks can be taken, and as a result I would argue that with the loss of home-responsibilities, their is an increase of responsibility outside of one's home and to the church. Having more free time and less priorities doesn't mean you can waste time and resources, it simply means you re direct that time and resources to other areas. This is an area that I am currently not doing well. I am single and I have plenty of free time due to only having a part-time job, and yet I waste so much time and accomplish little more than I would if I had a full-time job.

It is difficult and yet honorable to make such a decision. It is a great testament to people, an inspiration to other believers, and a challenging sacrifice for the self that, I believe, God sees and rewards. However, God also loves marriage. After all, He is the one who established marriage and created the concept of sex and family. To be married is to demonstrate the beautiful union of Christ and Church, as well as greater display the Image of God in us.

I'm going to rabbit trail for a moment. God designed us for intimacy, marriage, parenthood, and sexual union with opposite genders. It is deeply apart of who we are, and is it any wonder why this area of our lives has been so greatly distorted by sin and by the Church? Sexuality is an aspect of humanity that is so greatly misunderstood and misused worldwide and faith-wide. In the Church's desire to bring humanity back into right living and to try and correct the false use of sex, She has often gone to extremes. She either has either made the topic taboo and uneasy to talk about or taught about it with such negativity that people walk away believing that even sex INSIDE of marriage is sinful and disgraceful.

Sadly, much of the Church of late has swung the opposite direction in Her desire to please people and get people in the doors, but this is an affront to the gospel and is false doctrine.

Back to the topic at hand.Too many people are making this decision based off of fear. Fear of commitment and being in a relationship. Fear of being hurt (again) by someone and as a result they throw away all hope of being in a relationship. They fear their abilities to be good parents, or to be a good spouse. These are not good reasons. Instead of shrinking away, use those fears to drive you to be a better person.

Some don't want the responsibility of being a parent or spouse, to which I say you don't deserve marriage and even more importantly, you don't deserve to have sex. Sex is not to be done in such complete selfishness. Sex is for holding marriages together and starting families, not solely for one's self pleasure and entertainment.  If you don't want to bear the responsibility of raising children, don't have sex. If you don't want to care for another person or think of someone other than yourself...then you should consider taking those vows.

For those like me who are currently single, hear me out. Enjoy singleness and don't make rash decisions for or against marriage. Live life as honorable and godly as possible. Pray and seek God and He will direct you to where He wants you to be. Realize that marriage and sex are gifts of God and not shameful or sinful. Pray for the life of the Church and the world that this area of our lives might be brought into submission under our Christ and healing maybe done in us and in others.

Grace and Peace

The Fourth

I have a unique collection of friends. One of my circles is summed up by three of my closest male friends, Matt, Myles, and Tiller. Each one has a different perspective of the world and Christian thought. One thing I like to brag about when speaking of my friends is their great intellect and vast stores of theological knowledge-each one containing a piece of puzzle.

Tiller-caught up in the beauty of historical theology and tradition-can talk for hours on the thoughts and practices of early church fathers, who are often neglected and forgotten by mainstream Protestantism and small Christian circles.

Matt-lover of systematic theology-searches for weaknesses in Theological paradigms and seeks to construct a theology that is logical, flows, and is consistent.

Myles-prodigy of the biblical languages-doesn't come to conclusion without first consulting the semantics of the ancient speakers of Greek and Hebrew. His theology is greatly shaped by wording and format of the ancient text that most of us miss because of our limitation to English.

Where do I fall into all this?

Me. It has often been pointed out to me that I live, move, and breathe within the realm of practical theology. I have often tried to be good at the other three forms that my friends bear, but this is a terrible injustice to them, to the world, and to myself. In trying to be the highly logical, historical, or philosophical theologian, I have neglect that which I am gifted in naturally.

I'm not saying that I cannot engage in the other three forms or that I am not good at them. I am logical and philosophical, but I have lost my focus and have been someone other than myself in an attempt to sound intelligent and to imitate others. I could think about the deep things of God, I can have all the best theological arguments, and I can teach every theological construct with clarity and simplicity, but if I don't have love and if I do not take action to push back the growing darkness then I am nothing and only making noise. If my studies don't lead to charity, compassion, excellence, and service I have ultimately failed and my thinking and reading have been in vain.

In terms of theology, logic, and knowledge I am the least among my three friends. I am the fourth. In terms of necessity and purpose I am in equality with them, and it is vital that I act upon my gifting and live out the person God has wired me to be, not letting fear, pride, and insecurity prevent me from honoring God in this way.

Grace and Peace. 

Ordered Steps

Lately it seems like God is really taking the extra effort to speak to me through people, while also using me to speak to others. Over the last few weeks, there have been people who have consistently come and spoken things to me in times of great need or relevance to my current place in life, including those who have approached me and told me things right out of the blue like "You need to be bold, stop worrying about other people opinions", and then other friends speak similar things, followed by random scripture readings that speak the same, and then a sermon from the pastor on the topic matter.

People have come to me with random statements of encouragement and stories that have deeply affected my heart. It is impossible to deny that God has ordained it that I should interact with certain people and to hear sermons, stories, and specific conversations to bring about change in my life in a very direct way...in a very personal, as well as obvious way. I cannot say that God's working in my life has been this apparent in quite some time. It is a joyful thing for me to have been in this season for the last month, and I find it difficult to accept that soon I will have to move back into seasons of silence and faith before too long, but I will not worry about the silence that lies before me. Instead I will enjoy the now, and accept the guidance, love, and discipline for Christ while I am allowed to yet hear and see. In this I know that God is preparing me and strengthening me. He did not end my life, but instead has rewarded me with the relief and comfort of His being near, so that I might continue to serve in the dark places of the world.

When I was 16-17 years old, I was actively a part of a prayer team that met every Saturday night to pray for the life of the Church. One night I was approached by an older woman that I didn't know, but had seen at the meetings quite frequently. She told me that she had seen a vision of me standing in the middle of Darkness surrounded by people. I turned  the only section of wall visible and grabbed a torch from it. This torch was the only source of light  around. She then stated that I raised the torch into the air and ran...I ran into the darkness all who were with me chased after me, and as I ran I came upon others and I grabbed them from the darkness; they too followed behind me as I ran with the torch. I am often reminded of that night when she told me of her vision, and whether or not she spoke in Spirit or in Flesh, I have been consistently reminded of it and inspired to keep going because of that vision.

I pray that I am strong enough to endure, but even more than that: to be able to carry others through their struggles and pains and bring Light to those that have none. I want to be that man that runs in the darkness; I believe that that is the person God is changing me into.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

When Worlds Colide

This past Sunday I was in Chattanooga visiting family, and while I was there I went to my old church. There were several Russians who had flown into the country to be able to go on a retreat that the church had put on over the weekend. During the worship portion of the service, the worship leader called up one of the Russians, who was the worship leader for the church back in their home town, to join him on stage. It was there that I experienced the beauty of hearing "How Great is Our God" sung in RUSSIAN! What was truly beautiful was when all the Russians began singing and, at the same time, the Americans in the room began singing out in English. I was lost in a in the miscellany of voices and the intense combination of language.

In that moment I saw the beautiful side-effects of Pentecost, people of various languages and cultures singing in unison of the glory of God and the wonder of our Christ! This is the beauty of the new covenant! That all peoples and all tongues and all cultures are now welcomed into the fold of God! That the Gospel will infiltrate the fabric of humanity and all men will sing together "Holy Holy Holy Lord, God of power and might. The heavens and the earth are full of Your glory! Hosanna in the highest!" From the East to the West, the Church shall be united once again. From the East to the West Christ will be Glorified. From the East to the West there will be peace, love, prosperity, and an end to injustice, poverty, and evil. All by the power of our God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, Who is our "world without end".

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

People Watching

I rarely engage in the task of "people watching". In some way I think that I have missed out on life, and even disrespected humanity, in refraining from yielding my attention to them. There is so much to see and learn; there is terrible beauty and appealing deformity among our fellow humans that we can miss if we aren't looking close enough.

Those who watch me might see that my refrain is based in the fear of what a person might think if I happen to be looking in their direction at the time they look at me. This is a foolish reason to not enjoy and learn from others or to observe them. At this very moment I'm sitting in a coffee shop surround by students studying for tests and classes, additionally there is a couple out on a date getting to know each other better by indulging in topics of music, family, background, etc. It is fascinating to hear and to see the diversity that can be found in the middle of a little coffee shop on the edge of downtown Knox.

I have found yet another reason to put aside my fears and my insecurities; that is to see God's creation and enjoy it as a fellow human being, engaging in community and life. This is a desire of God.

People are hideous; people are beautiful. They are "Shattered Light".

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

The Truth Shall Set You Free

I finally got around to watching a few movies on my “must see at least once” list. One of which included the movie The Invention of Lying. It was an incredibly thought-provoking, if not also insulting. It is definitely sacrilegious and anti-Christian, but definitely worth seeing once regardless.

It is hard to imagine the world void of a specific sin, in this case deceit (as the title clearly suggests). I was led to examine my own life and ask myself, “Am I truly honest? Do I have strong integrity?”

I have to swallow a hard truth…honesty is my battle cry and deception is my shield. I do not always practice what I preach. On a daily basis I lie and deceive for the sake of my reputation, to avoid conflict, and to protect myself. In fact, we all do this! As a result, many peoples' friendships are shallow and continuously at the risk of breaking, because they are not true relationships at all. They are merely constructs of false connections by means of false common desires and beliefs. I am blessed to have relationships that are based on honesty and truth, but even within those I find myself withholding truth and dancing around honesty. If I do this with my closest friends, then you can be certain that I do this with family.

While some may find my logic here unreasonable and that I should reverse my last statement to say that “if I do this to family, then you can be certain I do this to friends”, I believe that what I have stated to be accurate. Blood is thicker than water; war more binding than the womb. It is possible for two siblings to also be friends and create a bond in blood, but it isn’t as common as many seem to think it is.

After watching the movie I started texting a dear friend a series of “truths”. These texts contained facts about me and my opinions of myself and the world that were completely and utterly true, nothing twisted to sound pretty or to sound humble or noble or anything; jut honesty. I found the exercise to be liberating and enlightening. I learned about myself and I faced some of my good and some of my bad in ways I never allowed myself to do before. Thank God for honesty, and thank God for people to be honest with.

Peace and Grace,

Stephen

Made of Iron

The other night I watched the movie The Iron Lady, a movie commemorating the life and achievements of the late Margaret Thatcher. Towards the beginning of the movie, the character of Thatcher is met with praise from a young woman stated Mrs. Thatcher had a significant impact on her life and that she was inspired to "be somebody", to which the elderly Thatcher replied, "In my day, it was about 'doing' something. Now it has become 'being' something."

Throughout the movie, there is a theme of "doing". The Iron Lady of good ole Britain did not strive to "be someone". No, she strived to DO something.  There is a significant difference between the two, and the latter often produces better results. There is a notable difference between the man that strives to be the leader of the free world and the man that strives to do something to make the world a better place. Comparatively speaking, it is the difference between President Washington and President...Clinton (I'll refrain from speaking about our current president out of respect. For though I am not a fan, I will respect the position that God has allowed him to be in).

So in my own life, I must begin to question my heart and ask myself "what is your goal, to be or to do?" I have a dear friend who's desire is to start an organization that reaches our to prostitutes and pimps; to make a difference in their lives and bring truth and healing to both the offended and the offender. She is not striving to "be" but to "do". She does not desire fame and power, but instead to make a difference in the lives of the hurting and the broken.

For too long I have reflected and contemplated the concept of "being someone" and it now I realize that my focus is in the wrong place. Let me not be, instead let me do. I am a Christian, let me do Christianity. Let me act and make a difference rather than try to make a reputation or a name for myself. I will become what I do--the action comes first.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen. 

"Christ Above All"

"Christ above all"--that was the motto of my college and the part of the Alma Mater that we students sang out with the most passion and fervor. "Christ above all", words that ring out clear and precise; stating a desired goal, an an intended lifestyle, and a worldview by which ever action and choice is to be based upon.

It is a simple message, though the implications are far beyond complex. I, being a Bryanite, remember those words almost daily. Bryan College etched them upon my mind and it challenges me even now. It has been 1 year,  4 months, 25 days, and 8 hours since I graduated from my beloved school. Over the past 1.3 years I have faced reality...HARD. I've faced hard truths, I've dealt with ghosts of the past, I've lost a job, I've struggled to make ends meet, and I have wrestled with the condition of my heart and my soul. I have worked (and am working in) an environment that is toxic and  pushes one's ability to be gracious and patient (avoid working in collections people...trust me). 

Now I work in retail selling clothes, and I have to interact with wide range of personalities, worldviews, etc. Some people make it difficult to want to come to work, some want to take advantage of you, and others just cannot get over themselves. These are the people we face on a daily basis, this is the real world. There is good and there is bad and sometimes you don't know what you're looking at until it's too late. At Bryan I was able to run away from some of my problems, and I thank God for using Bryan to form and shape me, but now the time has come to face the long dark of the world (I almost typed Moria there...I'm a LoTR nerd!) and when we do, we are called to live with Christ above all. 

What does it mean to live Christ above all? It means that in all I say and all that I do, Christ will be on my mind. The best way to summarize it is by quoting a portion of the prayer of St. Patrick:

"Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,

Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,

Christ on my right, Christ on my left,

Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,

Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,

Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,

Christ in the eye that sees me,

Christ in the ear that hears me."

When we seek to live out a life that puts "Christ above all" then our actions change, our way of treating coworkers changes, how we do business changes,  how we spend out time changes, and we begin to live in a way that speaks to others needs. When Christ is above all we put others before ourselves. When Christ is above all we re-prioritize our lives and uphold our responsibilities. When Christ is above all we change the face of the World and our surrounding community and culture is shifted out of place, slowly brought to wholeness and renewal. When Christ is above all, the Government doesn't t have to re-disperse wealth, it just happens. When Christ is above all there is no need for food stamps, the hungry are fed. When Christ becomes above all, the World will know peace and progress like never before.

To friends, and to my fellow Bryanites, let us live out this motto to the best of our abilities so that we might honor our God, but also that we might change the world. Let us live: Christ above our fears, Christ above our desires, Christ above our traditions, Christ above our profits, Christ above our minds, Christ above our emotions, and Christ above our passions.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Christianese

Christianese…such a strange language, but it goes far beyond mere words and phrases. No, it’s full of non-verbals and habitual, repetitive actions. So much is communicated through action. Generally, Christianese is sprinkled in various parts of peoples’ language and lifestyles, only coming out in certain place, but occasionally it is possible to find some that have completely drowned themselves in it. Christians have created weird cultures.

Are we not supposed to be different? Are the cultures of the Church not supposed to vastly contrast the cultures of the world?

It is not wrong that the Christian culture is…different. It must not, however, be assumed that all Christian culture is healthy of beneficial. Too much Christian culture goes unchecked and unexamined. Do we not think of the consequences of our actions and trends? When did the Church become soft and about coffee and side-hugs? From congregations who have “no problems” in life to others that are experiencing unending onslaught of turmoil at the hands of Satan himself because they “are getting it right”.

“Dress up before you come.”—“Come as you are” 

“Be reverent”—“be free!”

“Chew gum and we’ll burn you”—“if you don’t leave a coffee stain on our carpet then you haven’t gotten the full experience!”

So what honors God? All culture is broken and sinful. There is no perfect culture, no perfect lifestyle. 

What is…church? I’m not asking about big “C” church. I’m asking about our congregations and faith communities. What is our interaction? What do you think of when you think upon your faith community? Who are they? Why are they? What focus or vision are they promoting? What were faith communities in the era of the early Church and how much of that should we be reflecting? It is a hard question to answer indeed. It’s easy to say “If it was good enough for them then it is good enough for me” or “Since it’s what early Church did than it must be most right.” We forget that the early Church identified with what they did because it was culturally significant. Yes, there were various elements of their worship that separated them from “normal culture”, but it wasn't 100% different. Worship is affected by culture…and culture is affected by worship.

Americans’ worship of “rights” and “fairness” led to where we are. Worship of new, better, faster, and stronger is a disease that is eating away at the soul of our nation and communities. The Church of America has been affected by this attitude! Prayers and proclamations of blessings and good things being spoke over people and sermons on faith for financial peace and stability have multiplied in the church. Perversion of the understanding of salvation and what it means to be an “adopted child of God”.

Or have they? Do I even know what God truly desires of us or how he interacts with us? Who am I to say one thing or another? Does God not reward the faithful and those who seek purity and holiness?

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

The Life of Clay

Isaiah 45:9-19English Standard Version Anglicised (ESVUK)9 “Woe to him who strives with him who formed him,    a pot among earthen pots!Does the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’    or ‘Your work has no handles’?10 Woe to him who says to a father, ‘What are you begetting?’    or to a woman, ‘With what are you in labour?’”11 Thus says the Lord,    the Holy One of Israel, and the one who formed him:“Ask me of things to come;    will you command me concerning my children and the work of my hands?[a]12 I made the earth    and created man on it;it was my hands that stretched out the heavens,    and I commanded all their host.13 I have stirred him up in righteousness,    and I will make all his ways level;he shall build my city    and set my exiles free,not for price or reward,”    says the Lord of hosts.

Recently, I was praying about life and, essentially, complaining to God that everything in my life was wrong. I was, more or less, accusing Him of all that has befallen me and the various aspects of reality that I have had to endure. Truthfully, I have done this for quite some time. It is so easy to begin complaining. It is one thing to share with God what you are going through, but there is a thin lines that separates the prayer said in broken honest and the prayer spoken in bitterness and accusation.

During this same time of prayer I was struck with the memory of the verse stated above. It was then that I was hit with conviction. Recently I was asked "What is [my] relationship with Christ?", to which I was a little insulted and wanted to respond with "He is my God and I am His creation." In my patience I refrained from stating so, but the thought continued to echo in my mind. He is God...and I am His creation. God brought this thought back into my mind as I was praying and combined it with the memory of the words of Isaiah. In the moment I got a divine slap in the face and a fist full of humility. It is not my place to accuse God or to Question His actions in my life. My job is simple: Love Him and love people.

I am to live life and not ask God "why are you doing this to me?" with any other attitude than one of humility and a desire to know the heart of God. So for now, my goal is stop asking "why?" and let Him fashion me. To go and live my life, trusting that He is going to direct my paths.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths" --Proverbs 3:5-6

Grace and Peace,

Stephen 

My Own Worst Enemy

Sometimes the hardest thing for me to do is see the good of the "now." Being the kind of perfectionist that I am, I grow restless when things are not as I believe they should be. Additionally, I am extremely hard on myself when I am not doing as much, or as well, as I believe I should be. Instead of looking at myself and saying "this is where I lack, and this is where I can improve" I magnify my lack to the point of not even allowing myself to recognize my good.

This is not a healthy way of living. I should live in the balance of recognizing both "good" and "bad" (for lack of better words). I guess the point is that in my lack of willingness to accept my non-perfection and in turn refuse to see any good at all. Why do I do this? Why this reaction to my disapproval than another? I'm not sure. I'll leave the Nature vs Nurture debate to the experts on this one. Ultimately, it is my fault either way. Regardless of it being genetics or as a product of my environment, I have the ability to make choices. Even if it is a genetic issues, I can override this through practice, prayer, and support from community.

One thing that I am beginning to accept is that I cannot do this on my own. It is my tendency to think it weakness to need help, but we all need help. We were designed to need community and to function within community. It is not a shameful thing to need others, and if those that you are closest to are not willing to help you or bear your burdens, then perhaps it is time to find another community to be apart of.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

"I Do...I Do Believe in Fairies!"

G.K. Chesterton once spoke of the necessity of fairy tales. He held them such high esteem and spoke of them with great awe and reverence, as if they held the key to life itself. Fairy tales, as you might know, are often filled with magical, unearthly (or dare I say, extra-earthly) creatures and beings.

“Fairy tales make rivers run with wine so that we might recall for one brief moment that they actually run with water…fairy tales do not teach children that dragons exist. They already know that they exist. Fairy tales teach them that dragons can be slain.”

Is there any that is not inspired by The Lord of the Rings? The tale of an rather ordinary Englishman (pardon me…Hobbit) basking in his comfortable, lazy existence but is thrown into the world against his wish to accomplish an extraordinary task? Children lose themselves in stories of heroes who rise up to save the weak and oppressed. Even girls do this through their daydreams of Prince Charming, often focusing on their own salvation, as opposed to boys who dream of saving others.

One tale that has this glorious effect on me still is The Chronicles of Narnia. The book s stole my heart and my mind, and the movies-though not entirely accurate-stir my heart even still and I am inspired. There is not a single scene with Aslan that does not cause my mouth to yield into a smile that goes from ear to ear! I am forced to remember Christ and His love for His people, and I long to see Him as the characters in these books do. I would be quite happy to be able to walk into the woods behind my apartments and happen upon a massive lion that then roars my nerves right out of my spine and leaves me trembling on the ground…just to begin speaking to me and filling my soul with utter delight and fear.

“He is not a tame Lion…but He is good.”

Sometimes, we forget the nature of our King. Often, we neglect the mystery and paradoxical nature of Christ. Paradoxical in the sense that from our limited perspective and understanding, there are many times that we seem to think there are conflicting attributes of Christ, who is fierce as an untamed lion, but at the same time gentle and good.

There are those who so choose to focus on a single attribute of God so much that they forget the others and are then confused when God does something that they did not expect. This can even result in them misinterpreting their circumstances; ultimately missing out on what they could have learned and the reward they could have benefited from (not everything painful is a result of the Devil trying to attack you, my friends).

Christ cares about the happiness of His Church, but not at the expensive of her purity and growth. It is a difficult thing to understand the mind of God, and to try will eventually lead to humility…or insanity. We seek truth, but know that we are limited by our humanness. God is our Father, God is our King, and God is our…well, God! We so often focus on Him being a “father” and apply our own definition of what that should mean, when Him being Father should affect how we treat our children far more than how it should lead us to define Him.

Where was I? Oh yes, fairy tales…

If one is willing to see, they might find truth among fairy tales. That dragons can be slain, for example; that there is more to the world than what the physical eye can see; that the ordinary can do the extraordinary; and you might even learn a thing or two about yourself that helps to define the call that God has given to you.

Peace be with you,

Stephen

The Need For Retreat

Life is ______

People have a tendency to summarize/simplify life this way. Life is _____

The "blank" here can be any of the following: good, bad, hard, tough, easy, sad, complicated, simple, etc

But Life isn't all that simple is it? Can one truly summarize life in this way??? I think not. Life is...an incredibly complex and paradoxical equation of existence. All that is was and will be has and affect on this thing we call "Life." Sometimes, one might find themselves with too much going on or too much to process and their minds get backed up.

Imagine this: an old woman sits at a weaving machine. She has been working on an elaborate cloth and is working endlessly to create this beautiful masterpiece. Each thread, however, must line up perfectly or else it will come out wrong or fall apart. After sometime of work the woman leaves, and while she is gone someone comes along a cruelly begins to mess with the threads and shifts them around, and even breaks a few of them off.

The woman returns and gets back to work, she begins to realize that something isn't right. She must now make a decision. She can either ignore it and continue working, or she can back track her work and then take the time to fix that which was messed up.

For us, the choice seems obvious. Stop, back up, and fix. This is the only way that it will come out right and it is the only way to salvage her work. Why would she do otherwise? I mean, it is frustrating to have to back up and do all that work, but isn't it worth it? Of course it's worth it.

And yet this is how we often treat life when things get tangled. We keep trucking on and ignore the disruption, the tampering, and the misplaced. Instead of seeking help or taking the time to try and realign our thoughts, priorities, and emotions we act as if nothing happened and keep going, the problems becoming more and more apparent the further down the road we go.

I have done my fair share of this myself, and right now I'm finding myself in need of retreat, to get away from it all to refocus and to clear my thoughts; to prioritize and to start fresh. At the moment I find my desire to get away something that I cannot fulfill in the way that I desire to do it, but until I can I must make a conscious effort to do small things at home to begin the process.

Way that I plan on doing this are through various spiritual disciplines such as :

• Silence/breathing
• Meditation
• Breath Prayers
• Praying
• Fasting

Soon I hope to be able to retreat to a place of prayer and solitude to complete this process that I have begun.

Peace be with you,

Stephen

"The Best is Yet to Come" or "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet!"

Growing up I often heard pastors and preachers say "Hold on, the best is yet to come!" and/or "You ain't seen nothin' yet!" In fact I saw a post on Facebook not too long ago where an individual was boasting about his church being full and said the latter of the two above phrases.

In seeing that post I was forced to ask myself "Is the "best" yet to come?" and "Is it accurate of us to say and think such things?"

We are to expect good from God and look brightly towards the future, but is there something to us saying "look at all this good, but this ain't nothing!" My memory is drawn back to the ending of The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis. For those who are unfamiliar with the book, The Last Battle is listed as book #7 of the Chronicles of Narnia series, and my personal favorite. The phrase that stuck out the most was "further up, further in!" which drew attention to the world of New Narnia growing bigger and more beautiful the deeper they traveled in.

In a sense, the best IS yet to come for Christ will one day return and restore all that is broken and recreate the World as it is meant to be: pure and sinless.

Another thought my mind is drawn to in reading this statement is "the best has already come" for Christ came! He came, He died, and He rose again! He established His church on the Earth and paid the price of sin! But, we are still waiting for the work to be completed in the World...so again we are drawn back to Christ coming back.

I guess what really bothers me about the use of this phrase is that it rarely is stated in reference to Christ returning. It is usually being stated in terms of success, blessing (what ever that is), and numbers. It is materialistic based or business based.

I am truly torn in two over this.

We should expect good from God even before the return.
God is not obligated to make things better and we don't deserve better or even "the best".

God is a good Father to His "children" and gives good gifts to them.
Our hearts are perverse and are caught up in the self and material world.

When we say "the best is yet to come" are our hearts on the right things? Are diminishing the good that God has already been given us and devaluing what is already given? I think that we should expect good from God, but our looking and saying that more is on the away is often said in misplaced expectation and is often rooted in a twisted understanding of the Gospel. Let us be careful in our speech and let us search our hearts, asking God to cleanse us by the inspiration of His Holy Spirit, that we might be made pure and holy.

Peace be with you,

Stephen

"From Breaking Chains to Breaking Bread": A Brief Summary

Over the last 5 years I have been an incredible spiritual journey that have deeply affected me emotionally, mentally, and theologically. It began, as such things usually do, quite unexpectedly-like an echo of an echo that knocked on the door of my heart. It was the slight itch at the back of mind. It was the deafening silence that screamed out in a whisper a single word: change. The growing uneasiness that told me "something is wrong" began in the final months of high school, but soon intensified in college.

For the majority of my life, I participated in churches of Pentecostal/charismatic tradition. In high school I became a leader in the youth ministry that I regularly attended and led small groups, taught at retreats, and prayed for other students at altar calls. I actually did this through the entirety of my college years, driving back and forth between Chattanooga and Dayton twice (sometimes trice) a week for 4 years.

I was a tongue talker and I was a "chain breaker"; I always had a bottle of anoitin' oil on hand and I was ready to go to war against "the principalities and powers of darkness." I have been present at two exorcisms, and I have prayed for dozens of people-yelling and screaming "freedom" at them as if my very action of speaking would cause the Spirit to charge into them and chase away all darkness and fix all that was broken instantly right then and there.

I've calmed down quite a bit since my graduation. I have begun participating in a local Anglican church and have found myself quite at home in the theological circles of the traditional and sacramental. This came out my experiences with reformed and traditional Christians that I met at my school, travels to Italy and Jordan where Orthodoxy and Catholicism are both very present in there prospective countries. Through my independent study, personal interactions, and in being forced to engage with various theological paradigms and beliefs due to friends who were also searching, I soon found myself in love with/drawn to this form of Church governmental structure and worship style.

In the end, I found that I could not be Catholic because of my lack of ability to justify belief in the Papal Authority. I loved participating in the Episcopal Church, but I found their theology far too liberal (and the presiding Bishop is a certifiable heretic). In the end, I have found myself in the Anglican circle and plan to be here for the rest of my foreseeable future.

Despite my change in church traditions and my way of viewing the purpose of the church, I still have a great love for those within my previous tradition and I see a lot of beauty among them and their worship. I realize that I now disagree with a lot of the philosophies and methods that they hold to, but I do not think that these differences should prevent us from being unity and from working towards the same goal: showing Christ to the World.

I still have my bottle of anoitin' oil that I carry with me everywhere I go. I still pray in tongues form time to time when I am alone in prayer, and my current tradition leads me to believe even more strongly that words that are spoken have an influence on the world around me. But now I come to church to meet Christ in my participating in Eucharist and in the deep and meaningful worship structure of liturgical worship. I am confident that Christ has led me to this and I am grateful for all that Christ has done in me through this tradition.

And so I leave you with these words: "Life is short and there is but little time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us. So be quick to love, and make haste to be kind. In the name of God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit."

Peace be with you,

Stephen