Body and Spirit

Recently I picked up a book that I had read through with my pastors back in Knoxville called "Sacred Rhythms." While I had read most of the book, there was a couple of sections that I just skimmed through to keep up with the group, and now I wish I hadn't.

The chapters I just read were concerning the theology of the body and the art of self-examination. While I thought I had a pretty good grasp of both concepts, it seems that God had a lot to say to me concerning both of these matters.

Concerning the Body: The belief of total separation of physical health from spiritual health is a trap we can easily fall into. One usually affects the other in a significant way. My physical health affects my spiritual, and my spiritual hinders my desire and motivation for physical health. The cycle continues.

It is also no secret that I am not a huge fan of the DNA that I've been given. Between my brother and other people often making fun of my red hair or my nearly translucent skin, along with other natural/general insecurities, I have not wanted to care for the body that God gave me. As a child or teen I never learned to appreciate the body I have. I never saw the grace that had been given to me or the value that I was bestowed. The focus was always outward, noting that others could tan, that both my siblings were blessed with a kinder metabolism, etc.

God gave me life. He gave my physical form, muscle, color, strength, senses, etc and yet I have not shown Him the gratitude that He is due. Furthermore, I have neglected to appreciate creation in a way that only my physical body can! The taste of water, the feeling of grass, and the brushing of the wind are all examples of things God granted as experiences for us that I often take for granted.

A few months ago I had a friend who ran into my house and excitedly shared her joy in the fact that it was down-pouring rain outside. She insisted that I come stand in the rain with her and dance in it. Moved by her passion I emptied my pockets of anything that might be damaged and ran outside. Even though there were others watching, we didn't care about whether we looked like fools or not. God had given us a gift and we weren't going to miss out!

The Art of Self-Examination: Recognizing that body and Spirit are connected is the first step, but then being aware of the health of both is a wholly different issue. having aware requires focus and time. Neither of which I really like to give when I'm tired. I'm always tired.

Being exhausted often feels like the number one requirement/qualification of my job (residential leadership) and when it comes down to it, the thing I need most I want to do least. This weekend, however, God drew me into a place where meditation was possible (and necessary) and helped me to begin examining my heart and my mind. I doubt I'll ever be a master of self-examination because of the level of discipline and honest it takes, but I'm getting there!

The honesty part is probably the hardest for me. I don't like to see the good in me. Why? No frapping clue. There are some aspects of the bad I don't like to be honest about either.

So here is a confession. This weekend I've experienced a lot of jealous/envy. Jealous of how others look, how fit they are, how tall they are, the relationships they have with our students, etc. I often have to be the "bad guy" at work and I rarely get the benefits that I used to as Mentor rather than as an Assistant House Director. I have been jealous of my staff and even felt a measure of bitterness in hearing their complaints as I take the junk and they get the love, support, and appreciation that often seems lacking in my own life. That's not fair to them though. In the midst of my examination, God drew my attention to this reality and revealed to me how it has been affecting the way I think, feel, and behave.

I love people. A lot. I give all that I can and often that gets overlooked. I find myself torn between trying to live without any need for appreciation and the hard truth that I do, in fact, NEED appreciation. We all do.

All that to say, if I had not taken the time to examine my heart and see where I was at, I couldn't ever address it. I couldn't begin the steps I needed to healing this part of my life and I couldn't ask for help. I couldn't express my need to those who needed to know/wanted to know. In turn my spiritual, mental, and emotional state would continue to degrade and, as a result, so would my physical state. I would not have the energy to try or the ability to focus. Etc.

Give and Take: Having addressed both of these issues, my goal now is to integrate this knowledge into my daily living. I am seeking to take better care of my body and my spirit by bringing both physical and spiritual discipline higher up on my list of priorities. I can't help others if I'm not also seeking to help myself.

I always tell my students "Give more than you take, but never give in order that you can take." The reality is that I have to take to be able to give. I have to take care of myself to give care to others. My ratio of loving others will always be higher than for myself but I still need to care for myself. In the midst of that I never want to become entitled and think that I have earned/deserve love and care just because I give both. I don't love others to make them love me. I love and let love. I have students that I care for who couldn't care less about me, but that shouldn't hinder me from caring about who they are or for their well being, only what I invest and how much I invest in the relationship.

Lastly, giving care often helps us to give care to ourselves. I have often found that in helping another resolve an issue in their life was exactly what God wanted me to do in order to resolve an issue in my own. God reveals a lot to us through the lives of others. So just as we must take care, we absolutely must give care as well.

Can you imagine what life would be like if the entire world lived out this concept?

Grace and Peace,
Stephen 

After Two Years of Residential Work

The purpose of this post isn't to really convey or teach a particular topic. The purpose of this post is to share a little of my life with you and maybe help someone going through a rough time in ministry.

Two years ago I moved out to Kansas City, MO out of a desire to show love to troubled teens and to sacrifice my self (my time, energy, and resources) to try and bring hope and to share the Gospel of Christ. So why am I so often surprised by the difficulty and struggle that I experience? I knew that I wasn't wanted by those I went to minister to. It made the choice more difficult, but I felt like it was a needed element in my life. like it was something God was pushing me towards.

Since then I've had an evolution of form and function in the work place. I grew and became more experienced. I took on the call to move into a leadership role and to train and mentor staff to do that which I had done as a Mentor myself. Having done a year of both being a Mentor and being an Assistant House Director, I can say that I am nowhere near where I want to be, I've grown in ways I never could have expected, and I'm still not able to live a life void of my own struggles and flaws.

In college I had plenty of pastors and professors tell me that ministry was difficult, especially youth ministry. That always confused me. I never understood how they could say what they did. How could they always talk about being tired, stressed, and feeling ineffective. Now I do. If I can spend months and months with a student, seeing them 70-some-odd hours a week and feel completely useless and ineffective, then I can't imagine what someone who only gets a few hours a week with their students feel.


Lately I have wrestled with feeling completely ineffective and being unappreciated. Everyone who works at Shelterwood wrestles with this. Despite my best efforts to help others feel supported, I never seem to get them there. One of the areas that I failed in was sharing my own suffering and pain. I kept quiet and bottled up all the hurt and pain I felt so to not add to everyone else, but what I did was rob others of being able to be there for me.

When I was a Mentor, I would often share a little of my struggle with my students and it helped to build the relationship. It helped me to get things off my chest that were less sensitive things, and it allowed my students to know what it felt like to be there for others and to feel valued. Somewhere along the way I stopped doing that. I felt a responsibility not to; like it was a requirement of my current position to suffer in silence and alone.

After many months of doing this, I now feel overwhelmed and far from "ok."

God's way of helping me has been the opposite of what I've wanted. He has forced me to open up with others and talk about what lies beneath. He has been humbling me by leading me to share my burdens and to be honest about things that I am embarrassed about.

I've been able to get away for a few days and the distance has been helpful in taking some of the mental and emotional weight off of my shoulders, but it's not enough. I've been pushing against a wall and trying to do it without help. Two years of residential
work, and taking in all the second-hand trauma, has taken it's toll on me and worn me out.

I'm angry. I'm hurting. I don't live perfectly and I'm still working out this whole healing thing. They say that salvation isn't works based, but God sure seems to be pushing me to do a lot of stuff. Christianity isn't meant to be as lazy and relaxed as pastors preach it in the pulpits.

To those of you out there saying "just sit back and watch God work", please just stop. God isn't a circus or a movie to be just "watched" and entertained by.

There is no resolve to this post. Sorry if that cuts you a little bit. There are no Christian cliches that can accurately minister to your pain or mine. It's takes something more than cute words and "reading the Word" to make the world ok. We walk and we fight because God gave us purpose and He told us to keep going. He told us that He is coming for us so to keeping moving towards Him. Light comes when we least expect it. Grace always comes just in time.

Please know that if you are suffering you aren't alone. You aren't the only one. Many have come before us and succeeded, and so shall we. God will see us through, but we can't give ourselves over to our enemies before He does. Fight with me. Fight with me until the stars collapse and the Earth melts into itself. 

Asking For Help

Help.

God knows I need it!

I began reading through a book by the incredible author Anne Lamott titled, "Help Thanks Wow: Three Essential Prayers" and OH MY WOW!

I didn't realize how badly I needed help, but even more importantly I didn't realize how afraid I was to ask for it.

I knew that I wasn't good at asking humans for help. Naturally I would struggle to ask the sentient beings of my own nature for help, but I'm also really bad at asking God for help. I keep a pretty long check list of prerequisites for a prayer to be acceptable, and not all of them are realistic. In fact it's legalistic. Always afraid of praying an "unholy prayer" I move into a place where I am not genuine about how I feel, what I believe, or what I really want.

That's not good for a relationship with fleshies....so why would I think it acceptable with God?

So here I say "HELP!' I can't do this on my own. I'm never alone but I too often give in to that lie that I am.

I love God, but I don't love God nearly as I should. In truth I often don't trust Him or believe that He cares. I may not doubt His existence, but His character? On the daily.

So thank you Ms. Lamott for your honesty and for reminding me of the importance of being honest in prayer. Thanks for the reminder to ask for help and to ask for one's own desires. May the King of Suns fill your life with light and air and give you peace.

And here is my prayer: Father of Light be my light. Make me Peace and forgive me of my anxiety and selfishness. Forgive me Merciful One for not being honest with You. Help me because I don't trust You. Help me because my life seems threatening and overwhelming. Help me because I often hate myself and feel like I can't change. Help me because I'm afraid of the change that I feel that I can't make. Please be kind to me in failures and discipline me to greater character and greater love. Help me to fail beautifully and to learn from my missteps.

Truly Yours,

Stephen D Green II

The Art of Self-Care

One of the biggest challenges I face in life, even as a house parent in an therapeutic boarding school, is self-care. It has been my greatest downfall for many a year and I have suffered the harshness of life in greater measure because of this unfortunate truth. 

My parents SUCKED at self-care, so naturally I wasn't going to learn it from them. My pastors growing up had no concept of it, Hollywood distorts it more than the news distort racial discrimination (Too soon?), and the first time I ever really heard any teaching on it (let alone actually seeing it done) was in college. 

Working at a job that demands the majority of your week, and the nearly all of your sanity, I have had to do some learning in the area of slef-care. After 6 months of this, however, I am still learning how to do it right! 

Here is what I've learned so far:

1) You are the ONLY one responsible for insuring your own health. You  can ask for help and recieve aid, but ultimately it comes down to you. If youur job is preventing that, tell them. They can't help you unless you  make it known. They won't help? Look for a new job. Environment affecting your ability to do this? Change it. You  will not get the care you need unless you take the intitive to get it.

2) Search out what helps you. Humanity is diverse and so is self-care. We each have our own goals, desires, triggers, energy-providers, etc and therefore we each have different needs for health and well-being. There are some basics that help everyone like getting involved in a physical activity, eating healthy, and getting sleep, but the details of each of those is where we begin to express our indiviualty. 

Furthermore, our personailties and temperments have a major say in how we send our time and what activities give us energy. For example, I need quiet time and relaxation. i need calm people and deeper, more intimate conversation from people I love and trust. A dear friend of mine often turns to dancing, talking to randomm strangers, and general goofiness his means of unwinding and re-energizing. 

Neither are wrong. Just different.

3) Set proper boundaries. This is something I really frappin' suck at!!! Saying no to people that I know will not provide me the enrionment i need for self-care, spending too much of my off time with my kids, doing hospital and airport runs on my off time, etc.  These are ways that I fail to set boundaries for myself and thus set myself up for exhaustion and a rough week. Boundaries are an important part of life and society. Without them we run the risk of being used, manipulated, and having the life sucked right out of us (speakign form experience!). While establishing boundaries isn't an easy task, it is definitely one fo the most important ones. 

So there are some of my thoughts on the ambigious, challenging, and esstial topic of self-care!

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Three Rules: My 5 Months Update

I can hardly believe that I have completed 5 months at Shelterwood! It's incredible how time slips by, and even more incredible how quick;y things can change during that time. Since being in Missouri I have worked roughly 1,600 hours and those hours have taught me more than I can ever have thought possible.

Today I'm going to share three "rules" that I have implemented to my life after having been at Shelterwood. These rules were either developed here, or were being implemented before coming here and then solidified through processing over the course of my stay.

Let us begin!

Rule #1! "Be flexible and be firm"-- Life comes with twist and turns. I hate it when my plans change, but they do change and it's up to me to determine how I'm going to respond to disruptions and changes. So when things are thrown off balance, you gotta learn to roll with the punches. There are, however, when you have to say "no, I can't do that. I have to stay healthy"

Flexibility is great and it is helpful for your life and the lives of those around you, but if you are too flexible you are going to end up neglecting yourself and being walked over. Recognize what you can do within reasonable and healthy boundaries and stay within those boundaries.

Rule #2! "Give more than ya take"--The world around you is bleeding out from hunger, thirst, pain, neglect, and much, much more! People need people! While this rule may more often apply to the material, it also applies to the emotional and the spiritual! Give to others even when they don't give to you. Love the unloving, forgive the unforgiving, and when seek to pour out yourself more than you seek for others to be poured out.

Rule #3! "Love yourself as much as you love others"--You are valuable. You have needs and desires. Do NOT belittle yourself or lose sight of your own needs for the sake of helping others get their's fulfilled. It is great to help others and to love others, but if you do not love yourself then you will neglect yourself and then become unhealthy and less effective. To love others well and to take care of them demands that you take care of yourself, and the only way you can do that is be applying a healthy and Christ-filled dose of self-love.

While there are other rules and policies that I have implemented and/or developed, these three were the ones that most stood out to me for my time here.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Still Learning

Often when I go through an experience, I walk away having learned something. I turn around and I have a blog post within a day or two about what I learned about the experience, but I never follow up weeks and months down the road with what I am still learning. Sometimes I don't continue to learn from an experience. In fact, I too often finish my blog and then consider the lesson learned and move on. 

        It is an injustice....

If I don't make the most out each mistake then I am not treating the experience with respect. I am depriving myself of growth and transformation if I don't let my experiences continue to shape and mold me into a better man. The fact is... 

                                                               ...I know better...

And I have the ability and responsibility of learning all I can from each new experience; from every trial and from every mistake. The knowing better only makes it even worse that I don't follow through with my experiences. I don't want to be doomed to give immediate, unprocessed, and non-fermented advice just to turn around and repeat my error. This is not only an injustice to myself, it is also and injustice to those who I cross paths with throughout my life. I see my error...

                                                                                                                       ...and I apologize.

Life done well requires learning. It requires trial and error. I pray that this is something that I can hold on to; that I can continue to remember in the years that God grants me so I might glean knowledge to my fullest ability and be able to present myself as a living sacrifice. To be humble in all matters and teachable that I might in return teach others what I've learned. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen 

To Love and Learn

Lately I have been reading a great deal recently about the monastic life; I have been reading and meditating on writings from monks that have long passed from this Earth, but whose words have not. There is much left for me to read and great deal more to meditate on, but thus far I have found inspiration and significance in the writings of these phenomenal men and women who displayed such incredible devotion.

In the tradition of my youth, I was not encouraged to explore the writings and teachings of our spiritual forefathers, at least not the ones who came before the holiness movement. Anything that took place between the penning of Paul's letters and the mid-1800's was left unmentioned, unquoted, and unappreciated. It wasn't until college that I began to understand the importance and value of these unexplored works. 

I am not saying that everything written by the ancients was pure gold. Some of what was written is a bit far-fetched or twisted, but they are still worth our attention and time. Today I'm reading through a book called The Love of Learning and the Desire for God, which is a beautiful piece on monastic culture. 

One thing that struck me in the book was that there were aspects of the monastic life that I experienced in my years as a member of Pentecostal congregation. Throughout my years as a Pentecostal there was a focus on the celestial and heavenly realms, a strong theology of work and action, and a continual push for devotion to God. I was highly encouraged to continuous, daily prayer and worshipful action. The difference between the philosophies that I was taught and the monastics come down to the practical application and a distinct difference in their theology of learning. 

When I say "theology of work" I am not speaking of work ethic or vocation, though it does have some implication to both. I'm referring to the interpretation of, and response to, the words of James who said that "faith without works is dead." There are those that focus on charity as the means of working out their faith, while others vocally "declare victory over their lives," and others spend hours in prayer and meditation. The list goes on. Let's just look at the monastics and the Pentecostals. 

The monks expressed this in a very practical sense through praying the offices together at preset times and living in a state of intentional community and communal labor. Through the work of their hands to plow the ground, the work of their minds to study and contemplate, and the work of their hearts to discipline themselves to prayer and self-sacrifice, they live out their faith.

The Penties are not so different in theology. It is also strange that a group of people who are often the most critical of the Roman Catholic Church are actually the closest concerning the Holy Spirit's role in the life of the Christian!

Pentecostals often have a firm grasp on the need for daily and continual prayer, though in application it varies. They do not set times and do not follow a structure or order for prayer, and this comes out of a belief that prayer should take more effort than just the devotion of one's time and thoughts, but also the laboring of words. Thus many hours of my time in prayer where spent in silence and emptiness from lack of words to express my prayers, while many hours still where spent trying to formulate elegant words and in reflection of what I was saying. In this, the Pentecostal would greatly benefit from the structure of the offices as well as the carefully developed prayers found in the Book of Common Prayer, but at the same time the monastics would greatly benefit from the freer and self-expressive prayers of the Pentecostal found weeping face down on the floor. 

The two share deep devotion, and there are those who are misled in both groups. Everyone is broken, and sin works its way in to any crevice it can find. Because of this, we find brokenness in both groups and the disconnect between them. If we were to adopt aspects from both sides of the spectrum, however, we would find that the monastics would be even more effective in their ministry to the world, and the Pentecostals would be able to engage their world in greater measure, as well as be more fully integrated into the body of Christ. Perhaps rest of Christianity can then give more applause rather than shaking their heads in embarrassment, and maybe Penties can work along side their brothers and sisters without being looked down upon as the red-headed step child of theology and practice.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

People Watching

I rarely engage in the task of "people watching". In some way I think that I have missed out on life, and even disrespected humanity, in refraining from yielding my attention to them. There is so much to see and learn; there is terrible beauty and appealing deformity among our fellow humans that we can miss if we aren't looking close enough.

Those who watch me might see that my refrain is based in the fear of what a person might think if I happen to be looking in their direction at the time they look at me. This is a foolish reason to not enjoy and learn from others or to observe them. At this very moment I'm sitting in a coffee shop surround by students studying for tests and classes, additionally there is a couple out on a date getting to know each other better by indulging in topics of music, family, background, etc. It is fascinating to hear and to see the diversity that can be found in the middle of a little coffee shop on the edge of downtown Knox.

I have found yet another reason to put aside my fears and my insecurities; that is to see God's creation and enjoy it as a fellow human being, engaging in community and life. This is a desire of God.

People are hideous; people are beautiful. They are "Shattered Light".

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

New Beginnings

Change can be such a difficult, yet exciting, part of life. Some fear it, others crave it, and everyone experiences it. Change is an important aspect, dare I say necessity, of life that pushes us to grow and to be more than carbon copies of our parents or mere byproducts of our environment.

This week I have stepped into a new stage of life that both scares me and excites me. I've moved to a new city for a new job and to get connected to a new church. Everything is new! Thankfully I do have a couple friends that live in the area who have been true blessings to me during this time.

It's only been a week and I've already begun to see change in my life due to the Spirit's revealing, pressuring, and purging. I can honestly say that I think I have experienced every possible emotion there is to experience, except for that which one might feel when jumping out of a plane or staring down the barrel of a gun.

What I have learned thus far:

1. I have seen who my friends truly are and have grown closer to many of them through this experience. I am so grateful for the friendship that God has blessed me with. I am also grateful for support from family, including a few whom I never thought would so me love or support.
2. I need time alone, but I also need people. While it has been well known that I am an introverted person and have often shied away form people and been a bit of a wall flower at social gathering, I am indeed a social person. I need people. I need relationships. Many do not understand that I am a relational person at all. 
3. I have a lot of questions that suddenly I am not afraid to have answered
4. I don't feel like I'm respected by people and I strongly desire to feel respected.

I have a great deal of stuff to to learn. So much to deal with. I'm about to make some of the greatest steps of growth and healing that I've ever done. I will make new friends, I will be hurt, I will experience joy and pain...I will sing songs of life and of lament, I will dance and I will mourn, but I know that I will endure all things until my appointed time. Whenever that may be. 

I'm ready for the change.