Survivor

"Last Time On..."

In my last post I shared some of my experience as a teen growing up with a less-than-ideal marriage situation. I wanted to follow up on that post with another one that paralleled the first. In this post I wish to share the three elements of my life that kept me going and helped me traverse the waters of adversity.

Before I get to that I'd like to detour a bit.

There are those out there who have chosen to take sides with my parents, and I implore each of you to do so in love and charity for both parties, and with the knowledge that if you only listen to one person's story that you aren't going to get the full picture.

I'm grateful that no one who shouldn't has come to me with inquiries about their marriage, but I'm disappointed in those who should have and didn't. I needed aid, mentoring, and compassion from those older than I and did not find it, even when I sought after it intentionally.

With that said, let's pop on.

"How did you get through it?"

I'm glad you asked!

Teenagedom proved challenging-weighed down by stress and grotesque levels of emotions. I found escape by three means:

1. A bedroom with a door that stayed closed 96% of the time.
2. An ambitious and optimistic youth group.
3. A grocery store within walking distance that served as the perfect first job.

1. The Door

If I was home I was isolating. I used my room as a sanctuary, often thinking of the 10' by 10' space as being a castle in the dark forest of life. A gateway to another world where I could be safe. It helped that it was the most removed from other, high-occupancy rooms.

The moment I heard the very distinct sound of the Toyota pickup entering the driveway, *swoosh, click* door was shut. This didn't eliminate the stress or anxiety brought on by the knowledge of
others' presence or the sound of people moving around the house, but it did dampen a lot. Music covered most of the rest.

Looking back, I can see how my isolation caused destruction of its own kind. I would have been better off finding extra curricular activities such as sports or a social club based around art or photography, etc.

Please note that separating yourself from a bad thing is an excellent start! You cant heal a burn if you keep touching the fire. You need to, however, also find life giving environments and activities that help you heal quicker and be human.

2. Youth Group

While I don't fully accept the theology of my childhood upbringing, I recognize how I received safety and healing because of it. Being Pentecostal was the closest thing to therapy that I could get as a teen whose patriarch wasn't so keen on the idea of counseling. I was able to safely release emotions and pain in an environment that encouraged oral prayers and honest with God. I was also given vision for living and pushed to believe in the possibility of world affected by the gospel; that I could be a part of something bigger and world-changing.

If I could change one thing about this particular aspect of my life, it would be that I would have found mentors to invest in me more thoroughly and intentionally.

3. Work


I've been accused of being a workaholic. I think this is accurate in that I often use work as a means of escape, or as a means of finding value as a person. These are most definitely unhealthy elements of my personality. I'm simply stating that this was a means of survival for me as a teen. It also gave me a strong work ethic and helped me gain money, and favor with my superiors.

Ultimately, the job was a huge help for me and the pros outweighed the cons. Since then I've had to learn to fight off tendencies to become codependent and use work as a crutch for insecurity, but if one holds a proper perspective work can be extremely beneficial for a healthy life.

Here and Now

There are a lot of ongoing issues that my family has faced for longer than I care to calculate. All of which are major contributors to my development as a human and the forming of my worldview. I place significant measures of blame for the struggles that I face on my parents. It wasn't until I left for college and was exposed to so much more diversity of thought and belief that I was able to begin recognizing the gravity of what I endured for so many years. 

Generally speaking, I turned out alright. 

I've been a mentor, leader, writer, and an influence to hundreds of lives. I have helped more people than I can count to live better, healthier lives and only at the age of 27!

It took hard work to get here, and a lot of grace from God to be this person. 

The important part was that I lived to fight another day. I made it to 27 and I continue to grow and learn. Every day propels me onward towards wholeness, and I find myself influenced by my history but not oppressed by it. 

Grace and Peace, 

Stephen

Asking For Help

Help.

God knows I need it!

I began reading through a book by the incredible author Anne Lamott titled, "Help Thanks Wow: Three Essential Prayers" and OH MY WOW!

I didn't realize how badly I needed help, but even more importantly I didn't realize how afraid I was to ask for it.

I knew that I wasn't good at asking humans for help. Naturally I would struggle to ask the sentient beings of my own nature for help, but I'm also really bad at asking God for help. I keep a pretty long check list of prerequisites for a prayer to be acceptable, and not all of them are realistic. In fact it's legalistic. Always afraid of praying an "unholy prayer" I move into a place where I am not genuine about how I feel, what I believe, or what I really want.

That's not good for a relationship with fleshies....so why would I think it acceptable with God?

So here I say "HELP!' I can't do this on my own. I'm never alone but I too often give in to that lie that I am.

I love God, but I don't love God nearly as I should. In truth I often don't trust Him or believe that He cares. I may not doubt His existence, but His character? On the daily.

So thank you Ms. Lamott for your honesty and for reminding me of the importance of being honest in prayer. Thanks for the reminder to ask for help and to ask for one's own desires. May the King of Suns fill your life with light and air and give you peace.

And here is my prayer: Father of Light be my light. Make me Peace and forgive me of my anxiety and selfishness. Forgive me Merciful One for not being honest with You. Help me because I don't trust You. Help me because my life seems threatening and overwhelming. Help me because I often hate myself and feel like I can't change. Help me because I'm afraid of the change that I feel that I can't make. Please be kind to me in failures and discipline me to greater character and greater love. Help me to fail beautifully and to learn from my missteps.

Truly Yours,

Stephen D Green II

How Honest is too Honest?

They say that "honesty is the best policy." Yet honesty is one of the hardest things for humanity to live out, unless of course you are just temperament is to be super direct. At what point does honesty become...too much? 

Honesty doesn't mean saying everything you think and feel, but where do we draw the line? Vulnerability is a necessity of humanity, and yet how vulnerable should one be? At what point does one move from healthy exposure to soul prostitution? Is it merely a matter of the heart and the intentions and expectation in one's giving that determine whether the vulnerability is right or wrong? or is there actually a point where one must cease? Should culture and society define this?

As you can see I have a lot of questions on the matter. 

Lately I have found myself consumed by this subject of honesty. In my never ending quest for wholeness and understanding, I now find this at the forefront of my thoughts. 

Sadly, I must say that I have come to no conclusions and confess my inability to think it all out at this time...and that frustrates the tar out of me! 

It has occurred to me that, like many things that I question about life and reality, that there may not be a clear, black and white answer to my questions. 

Does anyone have any thoughts on the matter? Any resources to look at to shed some light? Feel free to share!!!

Encouraged by Frustration

"You can't save them you know." 

These words echoed in my soul for hours. I had no idea that as I walked into the dining hall that I would stumble into a conversation with one of the campus counselors. I also did not know that I would be talking about my soul rather than those of my Littles. I did not know that in a brief moment of conversation that I would have my defenses and masks swept away and that I would be left to deal the reality of my limitations and, ultimately, leave encouraged and affirmed.

This was neither the first, nor the last, spontaneous conversation of encouragement and honest that I received this past week. Even though I did not want to be exposed and to become unraveled, it was necessary for my heart and health so that I might persevere. 

My frustrations over the last couple days, as the counselor noted, were not out of petty thinking or sin or out of being a failure. They were, in fact, a result of good things. I have poured myself out and I have given myself in full to the task at hand; to helping teens and to loving them with all that I have. This past week, however, has been full of negative events and a great deal of "firsts" that I wasn't expecting and that I had not the time to process. So naturally I felt the tension and frustration that came with, what appeared to be, regression. 

"Just walk with them. Take care of yourself, and continue to love them."

I told the counselor of the things that I was dealing with and how I felt like I was not succeeding in my task to love them well. Additionally, I shared my concerns about where I was lacking and how much I hated that my limitations and how I was quickly all these limitations. To which she responded, in loving sarcasm, "Oh, you're human? You can't work here. Sorry, only super-humans can be Bigs" Oh man! Talk about getting a slap of reality! No one is perfect, and being down or frustrated not a bad thing. For me, it become the evidence of my working hard and of my giving my all. In the midst of giving my all, however, I forgot that I'm not Superman. 

"Just walk through life with them."

Christ doesn't call us to be perfect. He calls us to love and to seek Him. He calls us to walk alongside the hurting as the take this journey called Life and to say "Hey, I love you and God loves you. Don't quit." You don't have to be perfect to do that. There is room to be frustrated and to make mistakes and that...that is encouraging.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Aspirations

What is something worth aspiring towards? What is worth doing? Each of my friends has something they aspire to be or do. For one it is to be consistent in all that he believes and to teach others to be consistent as well. Another seeks to live with discipline in the realm of Christian tradition and to have vast understanding of historical theology and understanding. Another aspires to good biblical theology and an understanding of the ancient languages that form the holy Scriptures and to teach others. And another seek to become well versed in psychology and to understand the mind to be able to reach out to broken men and women caught up in a world of brokenness, depression, sex slavery, and abuse.

All of these things, though in many ways very similar, are unique and independent aspirations that a beautiful to behold. Not all, however, have the same aspirations nor do people always appreciate these goals fully. Not everyone understands why one might want to start a nonprofit that helps the sexually abused as well as the abuser. Not everyone sees the importance of tradition or of original texts.

So here is where I find myself a little lost. I have nothing that I really specialize in, and I cannot think of single thing that I am passionate about. What is this? Apathy? Maybe. I'm really not sure. I mull over a thousand different things that I could pursue. I come across causes and the like that inspire me and even spark a desire to act, but all too soon that spark fades and I'm back at square one.

I confess that this reality scares me a little. It leads me to question myself and to wonder if there is an area I am broken in. There is. Depression and self-pity are two of the diseases that plague my soul and have for a very long time. It would be pointless and dishonest to deny that this is true. The consistent self-destructive thinking cripples my advance toward something I want to do. Before I even begin my task I've already told myself that I can't do it and I burn the bridge before it's even built.

I think that what I struggle with is more common than I once believed. I am hearing more and more about people who struggle with the same things as I. I know that there are events and relationships throughout my life that have played important factors into who I am and how I behave, but I must accept ultimate blame for what I do or don't do. Could a lot of crap been avoided by the actions of others? Absolutely. Will they be held responsible? Of course, but so will I. I will take the blunt of the blame just as I will take the measure of responsibility for what I did and did not do for others in need.

My responsibility now is to rise above my habits and the darkness that threatens me. I will seek help when necessary; I will make plans and push myself to get past the written lists I've developed. I will seek and trust God to lead me through the dark valleys that will build up my soul and make me holier tomorrow than I was yesterday. I will aspire to be a godly person and that faces every adversary with boldness and faith, to be free of cultural shackles that give me false interpretations of what is greatness and what is admirable. I will aspire to be the fullness of what God has desired to be the person of Stephen Green.


Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Priority Shift

Of late I have been heavily contemplating what my next step in life should be. I believe that I have allowed myself to fall into an inconsistency in thought, as well as having submitted myself to enslavement to time by means of worrying. Worrying about what I want to do and where I go and about wasting time…and in turn wasting time. Time isn't going to stop to wait for me to decide to do something. It goes on while I sit around and weigh my options and pick apart my desires to make sure that I truly want to do the things I think I want to do. It’s quite ironic actually.

Additionally, I have been mulling over the nature of my blog and what I want my blog to be. I have shifted around quite a bit over the last couple years, and if you have read farther back into my blog you might detect the change in style and subject matter between now and the genesis of my public writing. I went through a period of time where I tried to advocate theological positions and intentionally push thoughts out for people to mull over. Too much of what was written during that time was artificial and manufactured. I fought for words rather than writing my heart out with the natural flow of my soul. It wasn't fully me and, as a result, my writing suffered. This is a revelation that I have received in my contemplating my use of time and current perspective of life and career.

In turn, I believe it is important that I restructure my blog. I want it to be a place for honest words and thoughts, but not to the point where it becomes a place to just emotionally rape the eyes of my readers. To a degree I believe that my blog has already begun to reflect this desire. This is not a place for me to just spill emotions and rant about life. It is, however, a place to wrestle with real questions and to invite others to join me in questioning and reflection, not just me trying to advocate my opinions. When I do share my opinions, however, I am seeking to be more straight forward and honest in my doing so, rather than dancing around them (as I too often do). This place is an honest place.

It is time my friends for a priority shift and change of focus. For “life is short and there is but little time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us. Therefore, be quick to love and make haste to be kind.”

Grace and Peace

Stephen

"Who...are...you?"

If you have ever watched the movie Alice in Wonderland, then you know what I'm talking about when I saw "that is one creepy caterpillar!", but he asks a question of Alice that, I believe, is important for all of us to ask of ourselves. "Who are you?"

This is a question that we naturally begin to ask ourselves (though most in our subconscious) as we enter our teenage years. Lies and deceits imposed upon us by our peers, family, and even ourselves often keep us from discovering the answer to this question. If you live outside of Christ, then you will never be able to fully answer that question. In Christ is where the fullness of one's being lies.

When I was a sophomore in college, I had a shift in thought. I had often asked the question "why am I?' while I was in high school, but now I took this other question and I moved it from the subconscious to the conscious and began the journey to understanding myself. It's not as easy as one might think. Over the years I have managed to make some progress, but I was stunted by something. Something of vast importance.

I lacked the desire to be honest with myself. As much as I wanted to know myself, to do what I am good at, etc. I wanted even more to avoid the risk of pain and disappointment that I might experience upon finding that answer. I wanted all the good, but I was scared to hear the bad, and more often than not I began picturing myself as a hideous being that was void of strength and value. I distorted the good as I refused to hear the bad; letting my imagination and fears control me. This is an unhealthy and ubiblical style of living.

Knowledge is power, and it is important to have knowledge about yourself. There are a few significant facts we must accept as we seek to know and understand ourselves.

1. Outside of Christ we can't even come close to the truth of our being
2. Chances are that you will not have a complete understanding, but that should never keep you from trying
3. Honesty is vital, and you must take the bad along with the good. Otherwise you will be out of balance. To repair and strengthen the weakness requires honesty.
4. It isn't something done  alone. We need others to help point out what we cannot see or to correct our vision. We need community to help repair and improve.
5. It definitely won't happen over night. Anything worth doing is worth the time it takes to do it. Such a task will require much of your time for prayer, meditation, and critical thought and research. 

If you are seeking this understanding, I wish you the best of luck and encourage you to not give up when it gets hard. The challenge and difficulty will only serve to aid you and make it all the more worth it. If you have never moved from the subconscious to the conscious, then let me encourage you to do so. You will find your life improved from you questioning and seeking. 

Peace be with you,

Stephen