A Generation Apart

Checklist

Ok let see here...

1. Blog with abstract title - Check
2. Independent coffee shop - Check
3. Thrift store hat - Check
4. Minimal amount is savings - Check
5. Shirt supporting third world development - Check
6. Classic wooden pipe - Check
7. Flip flops - Check
8. Stockpile of angst - Check

Yep....it's official. I'm a Millennial. 

I thought I might avoid stereotypes and forge my own identify, only to find that I became the same as the rest of my generation. Whoops! 

Trees and Their Apples

Each generation has its identifiers. Their little quirky attributes and stereotypes that follow them to the grave. Most of the time, these identifiers are clothing or dance styles. Or whatever addiction is most popular at the time.

I think my generation is addicted to being angsty and starting arguments.

Granted, every generation has rebelled against something. Mine just has unlimited resources for pushing out opinions and ideas that other generations didn't have. Like Facebook and Twitter. 

Sadly, the newest generation is suffering our decisions just as much, if not more, than we suffered the decisions of those who have come before us. 

Social media has changed the way we interact with each other and has fed our anxieties and fears. Narcissism is at an all time high. Porn is rampant. And we wonder why there are more STDs than ever,  why rape is increasing, or why youth don't seem to have any self-respect. Or respect in general. 

We can sit here and talk about how the GenX and GenY groups have destroyed our nation and the economy, but what about what we are doing to our world.

Let's Get to Work

It's time to stop complaining and start renovating. We want our elders to accept responsibility for their choices, but if we wait for that then we may never see the changes we crave. And if we don't own our faults, the GenZ is really going to suffer!

Girls, Growth, and Grace

I remember it clearly: It was 2008. America was over. A new president had been elected. It was a clear sign that the "end" was here. The Great Tribulation had started and Christianity itself was at risk of mass genocide!

Naturally this meant that I had the motivation I needed to ask this really pretty girl from church out on a date. I mean, the world was ending... what did I have to lose?! It was the first time I ever mustered up the courage to ask someone out.

It was also my first rejection...

She let me down easy. While I could make a case that she turned me away due the same apocalyptic terror that I spited me to ask in the first place, let's face the facts: No amount of beautifully crafted sarcasm or love of fantasy movies could cover up the fact that I was not ready for a serious relationship.

At the age of eighteen, I had developed into a relational invalid. I was deeply insecure, chronically depressed, and had an ongoing struggle with self-destructive thought patterns. While I came a long way in terms of overcoming my social awkwardness, and began to move to  far more healthy frame of mind, I was far from being in a place to justify pursuing that kind of a relationship. Nearly a decade later and I’m still warding off the same problems.

But here is the saving grace: I'm getting better.

With each passing year, with every failure, I become more aware of who I am and of my value. Through it all, Christ has been redeeming me: healing me from the inside out. The sickening truth is that our trauma, wounds, etc. don't just go away overnight. If you get locked up in the belief that it's all your fault and/or that you have to overcome it all on your own, like me, the progress will be even slower.

We all need help sometimes. The key to getting through my pain isn't to hold it all in, nor is it to try and find relief by relationships or gaining prestige. It is from learning to be vulnerable and to make REAL connections with humans. I need honest feedback and for people to hear the truth of my struggles. I need to take the risks so that I can be surprised by their love and acceptance. Love and acceptance that has been right here waiting for me to open up this whole time.

Here are just a handful of things that I'm learning:

•You're not the only one who feels the way you feel. To think that you are the only person (out of several billion human beings) experiencing life as you are, then you are falling for a trap.

•Thunderstorms are God's way of reminding you that He is big, and yet still very present with you.

•There are few things more precious than Italian food with those you love.

•Denying others the opportunity to love you is a severe injustice and akin to murder (a blog post for another time.)

•The harder you hold onto something, the more likely you're going to lose it.

•Books are severely underused and underappreciated.

•Don't compromise to impress. It is far better to be rejected for being yourself than it is to lose yourself trying to get approval.

•Wake up every morning seeking to be a better you than the you the day before.

•Learn to be vulnerable at the right times with the right people.

I’m nowhere close to where I want to be. I'm often very emotional, even neurotic, I sabotage my relationships with doubts and distrust, and I punish people for the wrongs of others. This is a part of life! Growing, fighting! So let's fight together! Let's fight for healing because we are most definitely worth our time to discover who God made us to be.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

I Am Clay

The last 6 weeks of my life have been a whirlwind! I feel a great need to rest and to process all that has happened in my life since I started my job in the residential field. God has built me up and then broken me back down again, and now I sense Him building me back up.

For the first time in my life the Scriptural metaphor of the Potter and the Clay has become something I can deeply relate to. I'm being torn down and remade like the clay in the hands of a Potter. I feel it within my soul and I see it in my daily life. I'm being made new.

As I sat in the boy's lodge today writing away on one of my weekly reports, I felt overwhelmed at the realization of how much I've changed. I've changed in way that I had hoped and in so many ways I never expected. I pray that God gives me strength and continues to do this work in me as I live out my life and seek to give life to the dead, peace to those at war with themselves, and truth to those have known nothing but lies.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Burn It Down

In his book Orthodoxy, G.K. Chesterton wrote about the prerequisites for true change. He stated that for someone to change something they must A) hate it enough to want to change it and B) love it enough to think it worth changing. Nestled between the two is the spot in which action can create true change. To do this, one must often be willing to raze it to the ground to accomplish the desired outcome. Sometimes we need to just stop patching the holes and blow bigger holes in the walls instead. tear it down and start over.

Life is not a Bob Ross painting. You can't also paint over your "happy little accidents", although it is possible to do at times. No, sometimes our lives are a complex acritextureal feat, and in the midst of our building we realize the foundation is flawed. Therefore, instead of continuing we tear down all that lies above the foundation so that we might fix it. Then, and only then, do we start again. One might tear down their structures a hundred times, but anything worth making with worth making perfectly, and anything worth making perfectly is worth burning down again and again until it can stand a thousand years.

Plans, ambitions, goals, activities, projects, art, buildings...the tangible and intangible. These things often need to be trashed and started over. The question is that do we hate our flaws enough to want to change them, and we love the flawed thing (ourselves, others, relationships, businesses, cities, nations, etc) enough to believe it worth changing?

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Priority Shift

Of late I have been heavily contemplating what my next step in life should be. I believe that I have allowed myself to fall into an inconsistency in thought, as well as having submitted myself to enslavement to time by means of worrying. Worrying about what I want to do and where I go and about wasting time…and in turn wasting time. Time isn't going to stop to wait for me to decide to do something. It goes on while I sit around and weigh my options and pick apart my desires to make sure that I truly want to do the things I think I want to do. It’s quite ironic actually.

Additionally, I have been mulling over the nature of my blog and what I want my blog to be. I have shifted around quite a bit over the last couple years, and if you have read farther back into my blog you might detect the change in style and subject matter between now and the genesis of my public writing. I went through a period of time where I tried to advocate theological positions and intentionally push thoughts out for people to mull over. Too much of what was written during that time was artificial and manufactured. I fought for words rather than writing my heart out with the natural flow of my soul. It wasn't fully me and, as a result, my writing suffered. This is a revelation that I have received in my contemplating my use of time and current perspective of life and career.

In turn, I believe it is important that I restructure my blog. I want it to be a place for honest words and thoughts, but not to the point where it becomes a place to just emotionally rape the eyes of my readers. To a degree I believe that my blog has already begun to reflect this desire. This is not a place for me to just spill emotions and rant about life. It is, however, a place to wrestle with real questions and to invite others to join me in questioning and reflection, not just me trying to advocate my opinions. When I do share my opinions, however, I am seeking to be more straight forward and honest in my doing so, rather than dancing around them (as I too often do). This place is an honest place.

It is time my friends for a priority shift and change of focus. For “life is short and there is but little time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us. Therefore, be quick to love and make haste to be kind.”

Grace and Peace

Stephen

Entertaining Unaware

This past week I found myself sitting in a McDonald's with three friends just chatting about a thousand random things. We discussed everything from giant bears to preferred form of death to bible to psychology to Lord knows what! We jumped to whatever topic was on our minds and we're having a blast discussing it all.

As we were talking about what it would be like to be killed by attacks from wild beasts (yea...I know), we were suddenly interrupted by a man in his late 40's who had been sitting not far from our booth. He expressed great joy in having been able to sit by and having overheard our conversation! We learned that the man was a pastor from the area and we had the opportunity to hear about some missions trips he was working on and we were able to pray for him before he left. While his initial interaction with us was slightly awkward, it was a rewarding and enriching addition to our night.

First and foremost, we were made aware of our having blessed someone else through our, well, living! We were ourselves and were able to bring the man joy! He stated that listening to us reminded him of his need to sit back and enjoy life; slow down and enjoy the simple things including conversations with friends about nothing in particular. This is a good things for all of us to remember!

Second, I was reminded that what we do doesn't always go unseen, or unheard! We influence and shape the world around us in small ways every day. This is why walking in love and displaying Christ everywhere we go is so important! People see it! You might be entertaining angels without knowing it right?

I was glad that he had taken the time and had the courage to approach us and tell us of how we had affected him. It makes me wonder how many people have overheard me talking with others and have been moved by what we said or if someone's day had been brightened. Also, how many chances am I missing out on in public places to hear and listen to the world around me just because I don't take the time to notice. While I wouldn't intentionally ease drop on a conversation, I can see and hear a great deal going on around me just by taking my headphones off and being more present in the local coffee shop I'm sitting in or the mall that I work at or whatever!

I want, and need, to be more present in my environment and not retreat from my surroundings so often. I miss prime opportunities for learning and for teaching by closing myself up in the prison of my Pandora station, but if I would just take the head phones off and let myself exist in fullness within the habitat that I have occupied...my life might change a thousand times more.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Anniversary Thoughts

It has been a crazy week! I've had a lot of really great opportunities to talk with great friends, and even total strangers, and in doing so have found my life enhanced. I am still facing a lot of questions about life and the future. As I approach my one year anniversary of living in Knoxville, I can't help but look back at my life just one year ago...wow, it's only been a year?

One year ago I was turning in my 2 weeks notice at Republic Parking System in Chattanooga and preparing myself for my new job at 21st Mortgage here in Knox. I was incredibly nervous, but also excited! I saw this as the opportunity to change my entire life situation and move into bigger and greater things, as well as discover my path for the future! My plans were shot out of the sky really quickly...

I have learned more about God, the world, and myself than I could have ever imagined. I've gained life skills and gained insight to my soul that I never would expected. I thought that in just a year of being out from under my parents house and being on my own that I would have overcome all my past, my pain, and my struggles. I thought that I would walk out of this past year a spiritual guru and be disciplined in every aspect to the zenith of my ability. Oh how I was wrong. I couldn't have been more wrong. But Christ in His love, grace, and mercy has done a far greater thing in me than I could have imagined. He has shown me my inability to accomplish these great desires on my own, reminding me of mt need to rely on Him, as well as to rely on other human beings. The need and desire for community with God and with others is by far one of the most important concepts that God has awakened in me this past year.

This last year has been definitely forming for me, and also incredibly humbling. I've learned a lot, and even though I didn't do everything I wanted to do and change in the ways that I believed I would, I have found that God has brought life to me and made me a much better person and prepared me in ways I couldn't have imagined. It hasn't always been fun, and it has definitely not been easy, but it was all what I needed to be the person I am now. I have much to learn and I still have many goals that I seek to accomplish, but now I am looking at them with fresh perspective and renewed energy, as well as reset priorities.

My friends...it's a beautiful and messed up world. I'm glad to be in it with y'all.

Grace and Peace

Stephen

"From Breaking Chains to Breaking Bread": A Brief Summary

Over the last 5 years I have been an incredible spiritual journey that have deeply affected me emotionally, mentally, and theologically. It began, as such things usually do, quite unexpectedly-like an echo of an echo that knocked on the door of my heart. It was the slight itch at the back of mind. It was the deafening silence that screamed out in a whisper a single word: change. The growing uneasiness that told me "something is wrong" began in the final months of high school, but soon intensified in college.

For the majority of my life, I participated in churches of Pentecostal/charismatic tradition. In high school I became a leader in the youth ministry that I regularly attended and led small groups, taught at retreats, and prayed for other students at altar calls. I actually did this through the entirety of my college years, driving back and forth between Chattanooga and Dayton twice (sometimes trice) a week for 4 years.

I was a tongue talker and I was a "chain breaker"; I always had a bottle of anoitin' oil on hand and I was ready to go to war against "the principalities and powers of darkness." I have been present at two exorcisms, and I have prayed for dozens of people-yelling and screaming "freedom" at them as if my very action of speaking would cause the Spirit to charge into them and chase away all darkness and fix all that was broken instantly right then and there.

I've calmed down quite a bit since my graduation. I have begun participating in a local Anglican church and have found myself quite at home in the theological circles of the traditional and sacramental. This came out my experiences with reformed and traditional Christians that I met at my school, travels to Italy and Jordan where Orthodoxy and Catholicism are both very present in there prospective countries. Through my independent study, personal interactions, and in being forced to engage with various theological paradigms and beliefs due to friends who were also searching, I soon found myself in love with/drawn to this form of Church governmental structure and worship style.

In the end, I found that I could not be Catholic because of my lack of ability to justify belief in the Papal Authority. I loved participating in the Episcopal Church, but I found their theology far too liberal (and the presiding Bishop is a certifiable heretic). In the end, I have found myself in the Anglican circle and plan to be here for the rest of my foreseeable future.

Despite my change in church traditions and my way of viewing the purpose of the church, I still have a great love for those within my previous tradition and I see a lot of beauty among them and their worship. I realize that I now disagree with a lot of the philosophies and methods that they hold to, but I do not think that these differences should prevent us from being unity and from working towards the same goal: showing Christ to the World.

I still have my bottle of anoitin' oil that I carry with me everywhere I go. I still pray in tongues form time to time when I am alone in prayer, and my current tradition leads me to believe even more strongly that words that are spoken have an influence on the world around me. But now I come to church to meet Christ in my participating in Eucharist and in the deep and meaningful worship structure of liturgical worship. I am confident that Christ has led me to this and I am grateful for all that Christ has done in me through this tradition.

And so I leave you with these words: "Life is short and there is but little time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us. So be quick to love, and make haste to be kind. In the name of God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit."

Peace be with you,

Stephen

Sweet, Sweet Memories

Today I went to the office of my apartment complex to retrieve a package that I WASN'T expecting. Upon retrieving the package I immediately looked for the sender's info; I was delighted to find that the package was form a couple of dear friends of mine currently living in the frozen wonderland of New Canada (a.k.a Minnesota).

It's amazing how something as simple as a bag of coffee and few personal, thoughtful notes written on the side of said bag of coffee can brighten ones day and flood one's thoughts with a thousand beautiful memories of times gone by! :)

A year ago I might have mourned the passing of that period of my life and taken upon myself a cloak of sadness at no longer being near these friends of mine or being in Italy with them. I find, however, that I over the last year that God has so greatly worked in my heart and mind that instead of sadness, I fully embrace the  joy of times past, the gratitude of friendships that survive the harshness of time and distance, and the grace of a God that has allowed me to have both.

I may no longer be in Italy, but I still have those memories. I may not be living in the same building as those dear friends of mine, but I still call them friends and I know that we are there for each other if life were to rage against us. I have learned from the past and look to the future with a great hope and with the knowledge that I have many more unique experiences awaiting me. Places to go, people to meet, and a God that is going to be with me through it all!

Ave Atque Vale! Hail and Farewell!

Peace be upon you,

Stephen

New Beginnings

Change can be such a difficult, yet exciting, part of life. Some fear it, others crave it, and everyone experiences it. Change is an important aspect, dare I say necessity, of life that pushes us to grow and to be more than carbon copies of our parents or mere byproducts of our environment.

This week I have stepped into a new stage of life that both scares me and excites me. I've moved to a new city for a new job and to get connected to a new church. Everything is new! Thankfully I do have a couple friends that live in the area who have been true blessings to me during this time.

It's only been a week and I've already begun to see change in my life due to the Spirit's revealing, pressuring, and purging. I can honestly say that I think I have experienced every possible emotion there is to experience, except for that which one might feel when jumping out of a plane or staring down the barrel of a gun.

What I have learned thus far:

1. I have seen who my friends truly are and have grown closer to many of them through this experience. I am so grateful for the friendship that God has blessed me with. I am also grateful for support from family, including a few whom I never thought would so me love or support.
2. I need time alone, but I also need people. While it has been well known that I am an introverted person and have often shied away form people and been a bit of a wall flower at social gathering, I am indeed a social person. I need people. I need relationships. Many do not understand that I am a relational person at all. 
3. I have a lot of questions that suddenly I am not afraid to have answered
4. I don't feel like I'm respected by people and I strongly desire to feel respected.

I have a great deal of stuff to to learn. So much to deal with. I'm about to make some of the greatest steps of growth and healing that I've ever done. I will make new friends, I will be hurt, I will experience joy and pain...I will sing songs of life and of lament, I will dance and I will mourn, but I know that I will endure all things until my appointed time. Whenever that may be. 

I'm ready for the change.