Darkness and Starlight

There is a yearning and an aching in seeing a single star in the night sky. It is the whispering of hope that there is light in the midst of our great darkness and there is a greater light to come. Nature screams out to us the truths of God, the ever growing anticipation of reconciliation yet to be completed.

I see darkness every day and I see the pain that lies behind the eyes of dozens of teenagers and, though they dare not utter the words, I hear their souls crying "Help....please just help..." They crave the same reconciliation that all of Creation screams. They crave the healing and wholeness of a world restored and they do not know where to find it, or even where to begin looking.

There was a time when my heart ached and I thought myself broken beyond repair. I thought that I was doomed to shadows; to darkness and pain. I thought I would never find life and that there was no hope anywhere. I went to Church constantly, just trying to find a shred of something that might give me a reason to believe that there was purpose in my pain. I prayed for death often and begged God to end what I thought was a worthless, useless life. He said, "No...let there be Light."

I work hard to love these teenagers because I know of the craving for light in the darkness and I know the difficulty of life in pain without knowing where to turn. I know that God was with me and that He is with my students. I know that He loves them and will never give up on them, and that He asks me to do the same.

We at Shelterwood have been called to live in a dark place that we might know the light Christ in a way we never could before, and in that knowledge we have become a beacon of that light. Daily we struggle to keep going, to yield our hearts and our pride and be what these students need, and by the grace of God we continue to succeed.

Whatever darkness you face, whatever pain resides within your soul, know that God is always with you. There is something that I have found true and often share with my boys. There is Light...there is always Light...even if it's a single star. Let the Light fill you, pick up your mat, and walk.

Grace and Peace,
Stephen

Christmas: A Celebration of Hope

Christmas is upon us again and, just as every year, the season is full of emotions and the attempt to perpetuate happiness/cover up pain and sadness through buying gifts, as well make our yearly donations to charity.

Terror ism is on the rise...or is it? Fear has always been a plague of humanity, but has manifested itself in various ways throughout history. From Egypt to Rwanda; from New York to Paris, Fear and hatred have been a darkness that has threatened time and time again to snuff out our lives. 

Christ,as is upon us again and, just like every year, we are quick to forget what Advent means for us. The light and glory of salvation shining in our dark and hateful world. 

There is longing in my heart and I cannot fill. Longing for security and longing for comfort. Christmas can't give those, but the hope that Christmas stands for can. 

I've experienced bouts of loneliness that pushes me to seek a relationship that I know will never complete me or take away my fears or the darkness of life. I have experienced fear that says to give up and calls my strength into question. I have known hate, and it nearly killed me. 

But in this truth I will delight, and therefore have hope, that Christ has come and He is with me all my days. He is more faithful than my feelings, and though he lead me through darkness I will trust in Him. 

I know pain. I know the suffering of the soul and the plague of darkness resting on the mind. But I know Christ in his glory and I know His love for me for I've seen His light in my dark soul. I have felt His warm embrace in the cold places of the world, and I know...I know that I have all I need. 

Christmas is upon us again and, just like every year, stands as an oasis in the desert. The hope in the darkness, the fire in the cold, beacon of life shining in the valley of the dead. 

Happy Advent,

Stephen

Faith. Hope. Love

I was recently writing a speech for one of my students who was graduating from the program that I work at and I was looking for just the right thing to share that reflected his time at Shelterwood. The word "story" echoed in my heart and I began constructing a verbal expression of who I saw in this young man; I reflected upon his story and the themes of his story. Sudden;y, I found myself thinking about my own story and the themes therein. I found something interesting about my life.

Year 12 was a landslide into depression and anger. I was searching for God with all I had and I was angry when I couldn't find him anywhere. Life didn't make sense. How could there be a God that loves me when I watched my sister run away and vanish out my life, my relationship with my brother dissipate into dust, my mom break down crying twice a week, or a dad that I thought I couldn't make happy? How could there be a God out there that let my nation fall into terror and dismay at the hands of heretical extremists?

"God where are you?! Prove to me you exist! Prove that You love me!!!"

At 15 I was thrust into a whole new world of ministry and community. It started with spontaneity, but not my own. No, not my own. I sat there on the back row of the chairs, visiting a youth group that I thought the same as any other. It was just another black hole for me. There was no hope left in my heart and I began asking "How might I die tonight?" A youth pastor whose name I did not yet know shattered the silent screams of my heart and said "You belong. I see you. I will teach you."

"God, I see you....but how can I keep going? How could life ever be ok? Why did you let me live???"

College rocked my world. It was where I met others of a similar difference, and it was there that I fell in love with life. Light shone everywhere and my heart began to beat stronger and stronger with each passing year. I found interests and learned the questions to ask. I felt the pain of disappoint aside the pride of knowing that at least I had tried. I found rejection and betrayal, and forgiveness became something that kept me going. I learned to reach out to people I disliked, and I learned to give more than I thought I could live without.

"Father of Lights, be my light...give me strength and make me an instrument of Thy peace. You gave me life, not let me go and give hope to others: to those that You love."

I moved and left my loves behind because I had to learn to love the "unlovable"...and I had to learn to love myself as much as I had learned to love others. In the giving of my time and energy I lost my works-based belief of self-value.

"Most Merciful God, You have been with me all my days and you have held me when I was weak. You helped me to stay strong and remain in You through super natural faith. When all hope seemed lost, You rushed to my side and lifted me up again and again! You built me up and gave me purpose and drive to go and BE! You have gifted me with a love for others that cannot be taught and You have taught me to love You. Now I seek to know the love You have for me that I might love myself honestly and healthily. I am amazed by You and Your workings in my life. Be with me still all my days and be my strength when I am weak, my faith when I'm in doubt, my hope in the midst of despair, and my love when betrayed and tempted to hate. Be my Everything. I don't feel like loving people right now because I'm tired and frustrated and feeling alone. So teach me to love. That seems to be the phase of life You have me in now. Teach me to Love."

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

"As Those Long Dead"

At some point in my teenage years I decided to read Lamentations just because it was there (and because I couldn't recall ever reading it). I had no idea what I was about to read. At the time I was painfully unaware of the definition of "lament", nor had I practiced such an action as lamenting to God. I wasn't quite connecting with the book until I began the 3rd chapter.

"He causes me to dwell in darkness as those long dead..."

-Lamentations 3:6

As a read the words that spoke of pain and suffering; the expressions of feeling abandoned by God, I began to cry. The words resonated in my soul and I ceased reading before I finished the chapter. These were the darkest words that I had ever read outside of my own prayer journal, and they were in the Bible! What was I to think of this? Was I reading it right? How could there be scriptures of such pain and misery?

"But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."

-Lamentations 3:21-23

The Orthodox have a belief that the life of the believer is one of rhythms and patterns. We go through time of Darkness - and that Darkness can be overwhelming at times! - but it placed in our paths to lead us out of self-destruction and sin; to strengthen us and lead us in to deeper knowledge of God and into states of holiness. Yes, it is painful to walk in shadow and to feel as though God has abandoned you, but He will not let it last forever. Faith, Hope and Love at the gifts that God grants those who ask, and these gifts are the tool that get us through! 

"Though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I shall fear no evil..."

-Psalm 23:4

Walk through the Shadows; stay in the Light.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

"Troubles" By Stephen Green II

They say troubles come in 3’s;

I say that troubles grow on trees.

Smoke billows around weeping willows

And all is silent upon the tear-stained pillows.

In a young man’s room where shadows promise comfort,

The loneliness of the Middle dampens every effort

To be more than just a byproduct of lust and desire;

To be more than a pawn’s head placed upon a crooked spire. 

They say troubles come in 3’s

I say that troubles grow on trees.

Shelters are prisons and forts are cages;

Punishments plus smiles are offered as wages.

Insensitively screaming “You think you got the stuff?!”

To the boy that dared to say “Dad,that’s enough.”

Other-worldly strength hidden behind weakness.

The strength of a man behind involuntary meekness. 

They say troubles comes in 3’s

I say troubles grow on trees. 

Yet there is hope amidst the strain 

And priceless is the gain

When one survives the storm

And goes against the norm.

A Christian most suceeds

When troubles grow on trees.

Hopeful and Numb

Recently, I was listening to top 40 radio and I noticed an interesting trend. Apart from Adele, the majority of music that you will here will consist of partying, sex, lyrics about how "fly" someone is and how amazing they are, avoiding problems in life and just enjoying the moment, or just complete nonsense (*cough cough* Nikki Minaj cough*).

It seems that having depth or meaning to a song is no longer necessary for it to be good. So long as it has a good beat and one can escape their own reality for a moment, then it's all good. I'm amazed at the crudeness of some songs like "Whistle" by Flo Rida, which totally shows disrespect for women and degrades the value of sex...but who  surprised? America devalued sex roughly four decades ago. Whet really boggles my mind is that there are people that actually listen to this junk. Don't get me wrong, there are songs that I hear on top 40 radio that I quite enjoy listening to, and actually brings benefit to my life. Like Adele who expresses depth and true emotion, or the song "Titanium" that is full of emotion and strength. 

The thing is that people have turned to music to escape, to feel numb to the pain they are experiencing and to gain hope for the future. I fear that this is having a very profound affect on the minds of Americans, as well as others in the world who listen to them. Hope, true hope that brings about an end worth having is only found in Christ, but it isn't wrong to have a little boost from music either...so long as that "hope" isn't rooted in pride and false conception of one's self. 

Music is a gift, can we please stop abusing it by putting "artists" on the stage who can't do anything more than talk about themselves and all the people they have slept with? Perhaps we can even get singers who sound good without the aid of a computer! Ok ok...you're right...one miracle at a time...

A Seed of Hope

Lately I have been overwhelmed with a sort of dark, lonely reality. Though I'm surrounded by family and many friends, my previous statement remains the fabric of my reality. Through this my opinions and decisions are shaped and distorted.
Recently, in the midst of this I am able to see a great deal about myself, as well as see the strength and loyalties of my friendship. Frankly my life is a bigger mess than the Deathstar post-Luke, but it is not hopeless as I once believed. Instead I have been forced to come face-to-face once again with the reality of my sinfulness; my depravity. In turn I find myself finally seeking God as I should be. In my seeking, the Holy Spirit has begun to awaken me inside and spark something new. I fear that this will only be for a short time and I wish to revel in every last moment I have, but more importantly I want to come to the end of this season and look back and say that I have been changed and that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have accomplished something of eternal value. It's coming to life...coming to bloom. My restless soul aches for more and my soul has been awakened from its comatose to stand up and be counted.
I pray for wisdom and for strength. I wish to move with the Spirit in this divine dance and to go with Him into the darkness, rushing forth like the dawn; like a river rushes forth after a dam has been broken. Its time to be present in this world again.