Falling into Friendship

When I was living in Knoxville I started attending Apostle's Anglican Church (mainly because it was extremely close to my apartment). While I had been exploring Anglicanism for a while, I shied away from being apart of an Anglican community because all of my friends were going that direction theologically. I wanted to make sure I wasn't just following them. For a while I explored a couple of the larger churches known for their worship, teaching, and ministries...but I always found myself lacking the community that I so desperately wanted.

While I eventually settled and joined a church, I began to grow weary. I felt that God was leading me to live in a more sacramental environment and that I was drawn to a liturgical setting more than ever. Finally I caved.

Thank God.

Liturgical and structured worship fed my hungry soul in a way I had never experienced. Contrary to some of the things I learned a child, It was not dry and stale, nor was lacking freedom or Spirit. No, surprisingly I found liberty in the structure. But more than that, I was blessed with friendship and community. I'm really not sure how or when it happened, but I woke up one day and found myself with relationships with others in this church.

I found people who actually cared.

I found love.

With this love, it began a journey to grow in my faith greater that I ever expected. From...

Recently, I felt God drawing me away from my community to commit to intentional community in Kansas City, MO. I came with expectations of struggle and even loneliness. I had no idea what really to expect other than that it would be difficult and forming. But, happily something else happened: I fell into friendship.

I never would have thought that I'd get this close to a group of complete strangers so quickly. While we all come from a dozen different places and us all having incredibly unique personalities, we connected.

And it started with a hello and it was solidified with a "let's pray."

That first night we gathered at the gazebo to pray about the coming year. It was in that moment that the Spirit opened us all up to the beauty of community and life in shared space and shared mission. it was evident in our words and in our love for another that Christ had called us there for Him and each other

I have no doubt that, like all communities, there will be times where we will want to kill each other, but that's natural. But the love of Christ is supernatural.

Friendship will endure.

Looking back I can see where I've always found friendship in this way: by stumbling across it. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Over-Exposed

Have You...?

Have you ever felt...vulnerable? Like you could be attacked at any given moment and are completely unable to defend yourself? Perhaps you felt this way as you were walking alone downtown or in an alleyway. Perhaps you felt this way after the death of a loved one or after experiencing something traumatic like a car wreck. Something that I have wrestled with for a good portion of my life is the feeling of vulnerability and exposure. (Please note, I am talking about the feeling of vulnerability. Not the active decision to "be vulnerable" with other which I completely support)

Build a Wall!

A dear friend of mine contacted me the other day after having attended a Psychology class. She informed me that she had been reading a "shame inventory" that asked a question that reflected something that I had said to her many months back. It asked the question "do you ever feel so exposed that you wish the Earth would open up and swallow you whole?" The answer is yes...yes I have. I have desired to crawl into the earth hide away from world. Similarly, I have experienced nights were I wanted to get lost in the darkest corner of the room, to be wrapped up in a cocoon, and to simply vanish into thin air.

I believe this desire to protect myself and to hide spread it's influence throughout the various aspects of my life. When I played real-time strategy games I found myself focusing on the defenses and self sufficiency of my "empire" more than the offensive power. My brother, being the more outspoken and outwardly expressive individual, focused on the opposite. Why he and I turned out so different in this aspect I'll never know. What I do know is that my feelings were real, and they affected me.

A Little History

My family made it very clear that anything bad that happened within the home was to be kept secret, so I did. I hid away all the pain and sorrow of a broken home life for the sake of of my family's false honor and dignity.  I had to save face with the church and the world. And yet, I somehow came to feel exposed??? Everything was held back, apart from my indisguisable expressions. Couldn't hide the depression, but that didn't mean I wasn't supposed to try.

I was led head-on into individualistic Christianity and taught that I didn't need people, just Jesus. The logic seems sound, but only because we neglect the value of community that God wove into the fabric of humanity. God made us to be in community and to function together. I didn't have community in or outside of my home, and when you have no community it is easy to feel like you are completely alone. Loneliness can leave one feeling vulnerable, like no one can/will come to their defense. So is this the source of those feelings of loneliness and vulnerability? Maybe...maybe not.

Perhaps it is the evil itself that took place rather than my not having an external support system to help my deal with it. Then again, it could be both! Another option is simply biological structure and personality, but these would be influences at best. It is even possible that there are events in my life that I don't remember or simply have not been able to associate with the these feelings of defenselessness.

Perhaps I will never know the root of this personal struggle. I have my suspicions, but I have no proof or solid leads. I do, however, have experience, as well as the understanding of a feeling that I previously believed to be unique to my person, but is in fact not!

Not Alone

I am not alone in these feelings. I fact, it's common enough of a feeling as to make it's way into the shame inventory that my friend was reading! There are those out there that have overwhelming feelings of exposure and are seeking refuge for their minds and souls that as if they are walking naked through the snow. Or as if they are surrounded by a dozen men with lead pipes, ready to start beating them. They most likely don't believe that their are people who would do that. These are simply the ways that best describe the indescribably. They are the images that are produced by the longing for security and community. I believe that a lot of gangs are started from the need to feel connected and like someone has their back.

Lies and Remedies

I am not an expert on emotions, nor am I a self-help specialist. I make a lot of mistakes and I fail to always keep my emotions in check. I have learned that my mind is a liar. So are demons, but most often they don't have to waste their time with me because my own mind usually has doe their work for them. As cliche as it sounds, it is important that we train our selves to speak the truth to our selves to believe what God says about us rather than what our feelings say. Prayer and meditation are very important to our lives to to the healing of our hearts. God has indeed given us community and designed us to need one another, but we also need Him. We need the help of the Spirit to complete that which humanity can only do so much of.

Reader, if you feel like shutting yourself away, please listen to what I have to say. Don't try to go this alone. You were not meant to take on life alone. If you keep trying to recluse yourself, you will eventually go so far in that the darkness you hide in can't find you. here are some things that I have learned from my years of walking with Christ and dealing with my emotions.

• Share your emotions/Don't go it alone. Find a friend who loves and cares for you; tell them about your struggles and emotions. Ask them to impart truth about who you are.

• Trust. That's a hard one I know! but trust is essential to relationship and to growth. Yes, you are going to get hurt from time to time, but no true relationship is free of pain and to live out or lives in such away that we let fear of getting hurt keep us from trusting and loving...well, that's just not living!

• Find a priest and a church community that will walk with you and will seek to know and be known by you. Nothing can substitute a good priest (or pastor if you are more low-church) to give spiritual direction and counsel.

• Remember that no matter how dark the world gets, Christ loves you. He is your shield and your strength. When all the world begins to shake, when the sun fades to blackness, and when the sky threatens to fall and crush you...stand. When you have no strength left, stand. When the enemy comes in and strikes you and knocks you down...stand. Christ is for you, don't give up and don't give in. 

It Ain't Over

I know I have a great deal further to go before my journey is over. I have so much more to learn about the world and about life. God will grant me more wisdom and understanding as the days carry on, but I trust Him to get me through to continue to make me a better person. For though He "causes me to dwell in darkness as those who are long dead" I know that the Father of Lights will be my Light. 

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no Evil, for Thou art with me. Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me...surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life."

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

The Truth Shall Set You Free

I finally got around to watching a few movies on my “must see at least once” list. One of which included the movie The Invention of Lying. It was an incredibly thought-provoking, if not also insulting. It is definitely sacrilegious and anti-Christian, but definitely worth seeing once regardless.

It is hard to imagine the world void of a specific sin, in this case deceit (as the title clearly suggests). I was led to examine my own life and ask myself, “Am I truly honest? Do I have strong integrity?”

I have to swallow a hard truth…honesty is my battle cry and deception is my shield. I do not always practice what I preach. On a daily basis I lie and deceive for the sake of my reputation, to avoid conflict, and to protect myself. In fact, we all do this! As a result, many peoples' friendships are shallow and continuously at the risk of breaking, because they are not true relationships at all. They are merely constructs of false connections by means of false common desires and beliefs. I am blessed to have relationships that are based on honesty and truth, but even within those I find myself withholding truth and dancing around honesty. If I do this with my closest friends, then you can be certain that I do this with family.

While some may find my logic here unreasonable and that I should reverse my last statement to say that “if I do this to family, then you can be certain I do this to friends”, I believe that what I have stated to be accurate. Blood is thicker than water; war more binding than the womb. It is possible for two siblings to also be friends and create a bond in blood, but it isn’t as common as many seem to think it is.

After watching the movie I started texting a dear friend a series of “truths”. These texts contained facts about me and my opinions of myself and the world that were completely and utterly true, nothing twisted to sound pretty or to sound humble or noble or anything; jut honesty. I found the exercise to be liberating and enlightening. I learned about myself and I faced some of my good and some of my bad in ways I never allowed myself to do before. Thank God for honesty, and thank God for people to be honest with.

Peace and Grace,

Stephen

Friendship...tis a Wonderful Thing!

Today I was reflecting over how my last four years have significantly shaped my world. An are that I used to have trouble with was the area of friendship. NO...it was not because I was home-schooled. The fact is that it has been difficult for me long before homeschooling. I never quite connected with others as well as they seemed to connect. I was always hanging out with the kids who were Star Wars lovers, or the ones who just liked to look at my drawings. I have had one kid try to buy a drawing from me once! (To this day I regret not taking that 5 bucks...)

But I digress. Some of the issues I faced in my life were: 1) The overwhelming desire to be better than everyone else, 2) The desire for everyone to like me (you should already be seeing a problem), 3) The belief that I am unlikable, 4) The awareness of being different than everyone else. I was more compassionate towards people, I didn't ever think girls were "icky", I was more considerate to others and their feelings, I was more emotional, I didn't like watching sports or talking about cars, I am ginger...

So even at a very early age I faced an identity crisis, and I wasn't sure how to deal with it. I eventually lost myself to my insecurities and self hatred.

Now that I'm done with giving my testimony snip it for the day, lets get back to the topic. Going to college has helped me stand up and us my abilities as a social person. In fact I am well gifted as a social person and friend (though many would not have known this before my having gone to college).

I know for sure that God led me to Bryan College so that I could experience what it means to be in community. It is an essential for humanity that I have seriously been deprived of because of poorly run churches growing up or varies circumstances that I faced.

Tonight I got home from work to find a package on my desk from my friend in Connecticut. She sent me chocolates, because in the last two years that I've known here I have consistently brought her chocolates when she was sick. Me never being sick, didn't quite give her the opportunity to return the favor, but since I've been sick this entire week...she took advantage of the situation to really brighten my day :) It's amazing how something as simple as a bag of chocolates can have such meaning and have an affect of that magnitude!

I also got the opportunity to have dinner with a friend of mine that I haven't seen in a couple month. She and I shared many stories and experiences that we had endured at our work places in the last couple months and shared thoughts and opinions. This was such a refreshing experience for me since it is not often that I get to have conversations like that!

Additionally, I had one friend call to invite me over for dinner with him and his wife. I had to decline due to my previously acquired plans for dinner, but the fact that I was invited was significant to me.

One friend called to see how I was after reading my blog post and seeing I was sick, another to tell me how she got an invite to dating sight from a guy who was crushing on her 6 years ago, and the list goes on.

The point is that friendships have refreshed me, brought me joy, caused me pain, and shaped me into a better person. I have been able to grow and become more and more Me than I was just a few years ago, and college has caused that to grow in even greater doses! If God had not changed me back when I was 16 and began to put friends into my life...and then also not led me to Bryan...then I would be a jumbled mess of a person and without love of life or people...or even God. In His grace He has allowed me to love people and for people to love me so that I can honor Him and love Him even more than I did before.

Our relationships with God are indeed personal, but they are not private. They are collectively personal. That's how God uses us to help each other, while also being their in the midst. It's not just one-on-one. It's One-on-one-on-7 Billion. Friendship is God's tool in our lives to keep us whole and healthy. What have your friends done for you lately? :)

Peace be with you all,

Stephen

Authentic Friendship and the Problem of Equality

Friendship is such an interesting aspect of the Image of God in our lives, and is something not easily understood. In the life of the minister, employer, or person of authority it is even more difficult. As a former youth leader and a Christian Ministry major, I will thus focus on the the difficulties that a minister must face concerning the topic.

"It is loneliest at the top..."

I had the privilege of sitting down yesterday with a local college minister who was wrestling with this very issue. The problem he was trying to process in his mind was the idea of "professional distance" and having "authentic relationships".

I asked people I knew what their thoughts were. One woman, being a supervisor at here work, shared that having a close friendship with those under yourself is difficult. She had this to say:

"It is hard to be a friend and boss at the same time and you always have those under you who might misinterpret the friendship and feel you owe them a favor, in a working place. I tried being a friend to all of my employees but I had to make sure that when it came to direction they understood; that I was coming from the boss side of me. But, I also allowed them to vent to me without repercussions. But this takes a lot of energy out of you to do this; but I found that if you give them respect, they give you respect in return. I hope this helps from my point of view as a supervisor. I know there are people who believe opposite as I do and have a set of demands for the people under them."

But what about the position of the minister? Is the minister supposed to be a shaper of community and relationship? Absolutely! I talked with 4 other people and 3 of them stated that it is indeed possible to have an authentic relationship between a minister and members of the congregation. One even claimed to have even seen it unfold in her own church back home!

It's the fourth friend's opinion that really struck me, however, and led me to rethinking my own position, or at least my approach to the issue. He stated that ministers/pastors/priests are the spiritual authority over their parish/church. He listed the following reasons as to why the answer is "no":

1. They must be unbiased in the even that there is dispute among the laity. 
2. They cannot allow themselves to appear as if they are showing favoritism. 
3. They must maintain the respect of the people they are over and in pouring themselves out to people within a congregation they run the risk of losing their ability to minister to those same people. 
4. It is hard/nearly impossible to have a purely disciple-mentor relationship in which the mentor can pour out his heart. He's supposed to be a voice of wisdom and understanding for the one being discipled. 

This covers the basis of what my friend had to share. Diving a little deeper into the matter, we concluded that it is not IMPOSSIBLE for there to be a said friendship. Actually I believe that a minister can effectively cultivate many authentic friendships with those that he ministers to and is in spiritual authority over, but the depth of those friendships and the vulnerability will be limited from person to person. Lets be honest, we want to be friends with those who are spiritually mature and to be mentored by those who are exceedingly above our own maturity. The minister would not want to seek wisdom and advice from someone who is spiritually immature. On the flip side, the person who is spiritually mature does not need the same level or type of discipling. It's possible, but the conditions must be right for it to happen. It depends on the minister and the individual congregant. 

For me, I can be close to a minister and still uphold him with respect and follow his authority, but there aren't that many who can. This is a significant factor to consider in the issue. There does not have to be equality in authority or intellect or wisdom, but they are significant factor to the equation. It's why so many friendships go through rough seasons and many even grow apart, but it isn't impossible. I also wonder how much of this is a side effect of the American culture. Thoughts anyone???

Peace be with you all,

Stephen