Sand and Soul

Going With The Flow

Imagine a pile of sand.

Slowly pour water onto the sand. What happens?

The water builds up, but then starts to flow away. As it flows, the water finds the path easier and easier to follow and will continue along the path that it has created. Eventually, the water will carry away the sand and solidify the forged path. Future water will walk the same trail as the pioneer water before them.

Your thought patterns work in a very similar fashion.

As a child, you were exposed to ideas, beliefs, and experiences. As your brain sought to process these things, thought began to flow in various directions. Like the water.

Regardless of accuracy, the thought pattern developed; eventually carving the path for the filter by which you would understand the world.

Crazy right?!

Here is a real life example.

"I Hate Myself"

No, seriously. I do.

Some time ago, I developed this thought pattern. Experiences and how I interpreted what I was being told led to the conclusion that I am a bad person-a broken person.

Then my thoughts took other paths, leading to the conclusion that I was unintelligent, ugly, boring, and unlovable.

"Everyone hates me" became a regular conclusion in my life.

"Everyone will eventually betray me" was another.

As an adult, I've had incredible friendships that have stepped into fight back against these false beliefs. The problem is that I have believed them so long and dwelt on them so much that I have some pretty deep thought trenches in my head.

I must now face the challenge of forging new paths for the water to flow, while also dealing with the fact that the water is still trying to deepen the paths already set.

Fighting Back

Metaphors can only take us so far to help us understand the truths of life. The development of thought patterns is far more complex than water on the sand. It is deeply influenced by our temperament, our nutrition, our community, and a hundred other things.

We are affected my the emotional stability of our families.

We are influenced by the DNA that was imparted to us.

It can be beneficial to know the sources, but it isn't necessary in most cases. What is important is you...

a) Identify the pattern or belief as false
b) Choose to fight against it at all costs
c) Surround yourself with healthy(er) community

To Be Continued...

Now that you know a little more about the sources and creation of false belief I hope that you can begin the journey to self care. Next time I'll share more about the challenges of thought recovery and my experience thereof.

Until then...

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

At the Heart of the Matter

It's hard to love people well some days. After giving a thousand reminders to complete one task or another, giving all that you have just to hear someone say that it isn't enough, or redirecting a student for the same thing that you have had to redirect him for every day for the past month it can become borderline impossible to love people.

You ask, "Am I not loved? Am I not wanted?"

Trap set. Slowly step in. Snagged. 

Pride and self-service engaged. 

When I'm really tired and facing the trials of residential service, I have a tendency to reach a point where I stop focusing on why I'm in the industry to begin with. I lose motivation and become locked up in myself. "I don't get enough off time", "I'm not appreciated for what I do so obviously I'm not needed or wanted here", and "I'm not being supported" are all cries for help that actually dance around the real issues at hand. I hear staff say it all the time, but the fact is that even after 2 years of working in the same field I too still fall into that same trap they do. 

I make the mistake of misplacing the source of my own value and I too forget the reason I move half way across the country: to love and serve teens in need. 

Not a simple or incredibly joy-filled position really. It's easy to love destitute, impoverish children in foreign lands for a week, but middle to upper class white boys with entitlement and a set of clothes valued higher than your monthly pay for months and months at a time? Nah. 

That's rough. There isn't glory and prestige in that. There is often very little recognition for it either. But it is beautiful and needed. The important things usually come with some form of discomfort.

Just as the farmer battles the Sun and pestilence & the sea-man wars against the wind and the waves, so must I navigate the struggles of loving others in spite of their false-beliefs and tendencies to cave into negative peer pressure.

Do I feel unappreciated? Yes. Is that the real issue? No. The real issue is that I'm tired and I really just want to see that all my effort isn't for nothing. I want to know that I'm spending my time and energy well and not wasting anything. I want to know that my boys are going to go back to their homes and live successful lives and be happy, and I want to enjoy the fullness of community and relationship with them and others around me. Those are the real issues.

Ultimately I crave to love others well, and when I remember that and set my heart back in line I find that I do just that. Then I am healthy; then I am happy.

Grace and Peace,
Stephen

The Weight of Expectation

Most of us grow up in environments that come with a set of expectations. Some are healthy and some not so healthy. More often than not, these expectations are unwritten and, nearly as often, unrecognized for what they truly are. I experienced many of these said expectations in my own life, and I have watched many others either bow to or rebel against the ones set for them.

“Love makes the world go round, but money greases the wheel.” These are the words that I hear every time I have a conversation with my grandfather. He set high expectations for my brother and I to study hard, do well in school, and get degrees that led to jobs that [aid well and allowed us to live comfortably. There is nothing wrong with him desiring his grandchildren to live well, but the problem lies in not being willing to accept that we might desire to pursue careers and callings that lack significant income.

The expectation that I will work hard and work to take care of my future family is more than reasonable, and definitely biblical, but as a single man I have less responsibilities to uphold and can live with less income. Not work less hard, but definitely not worry as much about having the means to live “comfortably.” In fact, I do not find in necessary for me to gain more income just for the sake of having my heat turned on for the winter. I can survive just fine without it, as have hundreds upon hundreds of my ancestors. No, not needed. I do, however, have the responsibility of paying off medical debts and student loans and therefore income is essential for accomplishing this, and for getting sufficient food to be healthy enough to work. (Which...yea failing on that one...)

At the same time, while there are those that bear the weight of high-success expectations, many more bear the weight of low-success expectations. Those who are told their entire lives by friends and family that they will never amount to anything, that they will end up broke and pregnant, that they will their lives on the streets as a beggar. There are those that have no hope for fulfilling their dreams or living an average life because of a community that chains them down by broken expectations, and others still are unmotivated for having not been given expectations to begin with.

The worst is probably the expectations we place upon ourselves. If we really thought about it, there are no expectations outside of the ones we place upon ourselves. How do other peoples’ expectations enslave us? We adopt them in our lives and nail ourselves to them. We rate our success and failures according to what has been presented to us. We are at fault. I...am at fault. So how do we remedy this?

Recognizing the issue is a great first step! Acceptance of the truth is almost always a needed ingredient to true change! Once we see what is happening we can begin acting on it.

Now, here is the hard part. I can tell you from personal experience that knowing a truth does not make acting on it easy to do. In fact you might have to go back to step one a few times. The next step is a matter will power and discipline. Willpower to push oneself to do and to NOT do; to resist the pushing and twisting of other people intrusions and forced philosophies.

Don't get me wrong, we need other people to push us and to raise our expectations to a healthy level that will make us better people, but without breaking us. We need to understand that living our dreams and also living in the realm of responsible, well-balanced life requires that we engage in community and seek counseling form older and wiser people. To make sure that we don't pursue "dreams" that are completely foolish (think of some American Idol contestants).

Sometimes our dreams and desires need to be reformed. These change as we begin to understand ourselves, our talents, and our abilities. I will never be an Olympian. I would be a fool to chase after that, but I can be a much more fit man and I can pursue that. I will never get a hit record, but I can sing and I can practice that and use that in significant ways. I have a talent for teaching and I can pursue that route (though I definitely won't be "greasing the wheel" with that job).

Lastly, pray. Seek God and ask Him to guide you and help you to see His truth. The truth of who God made you to be and what He wants you to do. God's expectations not without struggle and are not accomplished without the exertion of energy, but they are easy and light. When we pursue the expectation of Christ, we honor Him and He helps us where we lack strength. We dwell in a healthy and freeing set of standards.

You might just suddenly find everything flipped on ya. 

Grace and peace,

Stephen

Reset

Sometimes I wish life was like my old Nintendo...if I mess up I can just hit "reset" and try again. Eventually I'd have every move, every step planned out perfectly to react to the appropriate approaching obstacle that I wouldn't have had foresight to avoid the first run through. Sadly, life doesn't come with a reset button. Whatever happens is "auto saved" in real time and there is nothing that we can do about time that slips by us.

Many might say that I am too young to begin thinking like this...I don't think so. I might be, however, too young to know how to handle such a realization. No? Ok. In that case I have not the maturity and strength of will to handle it. I want to despair over time wasted and words spoken in vain. This, however, is not a very godly way of approaching life, and it is void of grace. Grace should overwhelm our lives. No it should not become a justification for wasting time or sinning, but it should allow us to say "Ok, I messed up...but I can do better and I don't have to be angry or feel condemned for what I have or haven't done."

One of the most striking phrases I have heard in a church service was during a time of confession during a vespers service that I attended at an AMIA (Anglican Mission to America) church service. It went like this :

"Heavenly Father, we confess that we have sinned against You in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done and by what we have left undone. We have not loved You with our whole hearts; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves..."

Every time I say this words, I sense the presence of God. In my yielding and confessing I sense His grace being poured out on me and I am renewed. It has come to my attention of late that I am not so gracious to myself. I do not think it possible for one to "forgive" one's own self, but I do think it possible to withhold grace from oneself. This I do often. I also do not own up to reality and say "what is don't is behind me, don't fret it and make the change." This is the most ungodly thing about me that I can currently name.

To day I heard a priest say "it sinful to think too highly of yourself, but it also sinful to think too lowly of yourself." Here is where I fall short time and time again. It's something that affects more than just me, but also my friends and loved ones. This is not what I desire for the rest of my life. Instead I'd rather stand tall, look at all that has transpired, and say "no more!" So I pray for the Holy Spirit's continual loving mercy to mold and shape my mind and my heart that I might move forward in peace to love and serve the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. To live...truly live life in the presence of God the Almighty and enjoy His creation unto my death.

Peace be with you all.

Stephen

Friendship...tis a Wonderful Thing!

Today I was reflecting over how my last four years have significantly shaped my world. An are that I used to have trouble with was the area of friendship. NO...it was not because I was home-schooled. The fact is that it has been difficult for me long before homeschooling. I never quite connected with others as well as they seemed to connect. I was always hanging out with the kids who were Star Wars lovers, or the ones who just liked to look at my drawings. I have had one kid try to buy a drawing from me once! (To this day I regret not taking that 5 bucks...)

But I digress. Some of the issues I faced in my life were: 1) The overwhelming desire to be better than everyone else, 2) The desire for everyone to like me (you should already be seeing a problem), 3) The belief that I am unlikable, 4) The awareness of being different than everyone else. I was more compassionate towards people, I didn't ever think girls were "icky", I was more considerate to others and their feelings, I was more emotional, I didn't like watching sports or talking about cars, I am ginger...

So even at a very early age I faced an identity crisis, and I wasn't sure how to deal with it. I eventually lost myself to my insecurities and self hatred.

Now that I'm done with giving my testimony snip it for the day, lets get back to the topic. Going to college has helped me stand up and us my abilities as a social person. In fact I am well gifted as a social person and friend (though many would not have known this before my having gone to college).

I know for sure that God led me to Bryan College so that I could experience what it means to be in community. It is an essential for humanity that I have seriously been deprived of because of poorly run churches growing up or varies circumstances that I faced.

Tonight I got home from work to find a package on my desk from my friend in Connecticut. She sent me chocolates, because in the last two years that I've known here I have consistently brought her chocolates when she was sick. Me never being sick, didn't quite give her the opportunity to return the favor, but since I've been sick this entire week...she took advantage of the situation to really brighten my day :) It's amazing how something as simple as a bag of chocolates can have such meaning and have an affect of that magnitude!

I also got the opportunity to have dinner with a friend of mine that I haven't seen in a couple month. She and I shared many stories and experiences that we had endured at our work places in the last couple months and shared thoughts and opinions. This was such a refreshing experience for me since it is not often that I get to have conversations like that!

Additionally, I had one friend call to invite me over for dinner with him and his wife. I had to decline due to my previously acquired plans for dinner, but the fact that I was invited was significant to me.

One friend called to see how I was after reading my blog post and seeing I was sick, another to tell me how she got an invite to dating sight from a guy who was crushing on her 6 years ago, and the list goes on.

The point is that friendships have refreshed me, brought me joy, caused me pain, and shaped me into a better person. I have been able to grow and become more and more Me than I was just a few years ago, and college has caused that to grow in even greater doses! If God had not changed me back when I was 16 and began to put friends into my life...and then also not led me to Bryan...then I would be a jumbled mess of a person and without love of life or people...or even God. In His grace He has allowed me to love people and for people to love me so that I can honor Him and love Him even more than I did before.

Our relationships with God are indeed personal, but they are not private. They are collectively personal. That's how God uses us to help each other, while also being their in the midst. It's not just one-on-one. It's One-on-one-on-7 Billion. Friendship is God's tool in our lives to keep us whole and healthy. What have your friends done for you lately? :)

Peace be with you all,

Stephen