Cleaning Up When You've Messed Up

One can gain a great deal of knowledge and life experience from choosing to live with thirty or more males in intentional community. When two-thirds of that group, however, did not choose to be a part of the community as you did...experience is infinite! 

I've officially completed two weeks at Shelterwood (one full week as a full fledged Big) and I've already learned a few things that I know that I will carry with me long past the completion of my contract, but will also have to re learn a few times while I'm here.

You will make mistakes!

Yesterday I found myself in my first power struggle with one of my boys...and it sucked! It got me no where and only made him angrier than he already was. I knew he was angry and yet I pushed for answers and refused to leave till I had. Thankfully, I only made this error for about thirty seconds, but it was thirty seconds of me being a "King James Donkey!" A house director came in and took over and the teen opened up and de-escalated.

                                                             Admit when you're wrong!

I messed up. I pushed and I pulled when I should have given him the time to cool off. Additionally, I didn't have the relationship with him to confront him or talk it out. I remember being a teen and having adults trying to force words out of me and not caring about my feeling sad or angry or depressed. I was pushed further into defense mode as a result and felt less and less safe with each occurrence. 

I later approached him concerning the matter and apologized for my being stubborn and for pushing so hard. We're cool now, but if I had never taken the time to reach out and admit my being wrong he and I would be far from ok. By manning up and confessing my error I took a relationship from distorted to being better than it was before the altercation. 

Don't expect the same courtesy!

Even though I apologized, I didn't get an apology in return, but that's ok! I didn't expect one. It was my responsibility to own up to my mistakes. He may not have said it with words, but he expressed it in action. Sometimes that is something you just have live with. Long before I came here, I came to the conclusion that a forced apology is an insincere apology and I want nothing to do with those. Apologies come in may shapes and forms, just learning to accept them. 

Furthermore, being willing to accept the reality that you might give kindness and love to someone and they might never show it back is just a part of the Christian life. Love given with the expectation of love returned is a conditional love. We are called to be better than bearers of conditional love. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Falling into Friendship

When I was living in Knoxville I started attending Apostle's Anglican Church (mainly because it was extremely close to my apartment). While I had been exploring Anglicanism for a while, I shied away from being apart of an Anglican community because all of my friends were going that direction theologically. I wanted to make sure I wasn't just following them. For a while I explored a couple of the larger churches known for their worship, teaching, and ministries...but I always found myself lacking the community that I so desperately wanted.

While I eventually settled and joined a church, I began to grow weary. I felt that God was leading me to live in a more sacramental environment and that I was drawn to a liturgical setting more than ever. Finally I caved.

Thank God.

Liturgical and structured worship fed my hungry soul in a way I had never experienced. Contrary to some of the things I learned a child, It was not dry and stale, nor was lacking freedom or Spirit. No, surprisingly I found liberty in the structure. But more than that, I was blessed with friendship and community. I'm really not sure how or when it happened, but I woke up one day and found myself with relationships with others in this church.

I found people who actually cared.

I found love.

With this love, it began a journey to grow in my faith greater that I ever expected. From...

Recently, I felt God drawing me away from my community to commit to intentional community in Kansas City, MO. I came with expectations of struggle and even loneliness. I had no idea what really to expect other than that it would be difficult and forming. But, happily something else happened: I fell into friendship.

I never would have thought that I'd get this close to a group of complete strangers so quickly. While we all come from a dozen different places and us all having incredibly unique personalities, we connected.

And it started with a hello and it was solidified with a "let's pray."

That first night we gathered at the gazebo to pray about the coming year. It was in that moment that the Spirit opened us all up to the beauty of community and life in shared space and shared mission. it was evident in our words and in our love for another that Christ had called us there for Him and each other

I have no doubt that, like all communities, there will be times where we will want to kill each other, but that's natural. But the love of Christ is supernatural.

Friendship will endure.

Looking back I can see where I've always found friendship in this way: by stumbling across it. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Failing with Community

Last week I was talking to a close friend and he was expressing a great deal of pain over having  lost a job that he put forth a significant amount of effort and time to keep. He refused to tell anyone in the church he was attending or any of his closest friends in the area, save for me, what had happened. There in a car steadily cruising down 4th street, he spilled many bitter tears and he said, "I can't face them...I can't tell them that I failed."

As I sat in the car with him I felt my heart break with him. Sadly, I had not the words to encourage him. In fact, it seemed as though he simply would not hear the words I had to say. Sentences worked their way past my teeth as I tried to share and partake in his burden, to be there with him, but every time  I was thwarted in my attempt at being a friend and member of his community with words of pain that stated "you don't understand!", "I'm not like you, I'm not as smart as you", "I can't let them know, I just can't!", etc. It is not a shocker though. This is a common issue. I've seen this my entire life, and I have often behaved the same way. How do you tell the people you love and respect that you failed? How do you face disappointing those you look up to?

There lies a flaw in our understanding of relationship and community. In fact, the answer to my friend's struggle was simple. He merely had to remember that the ones that he held close in community love him. That's huge! It makes all the difference in the world to remember that the ones we love do love us in return. If they do not love us and respect us, then what reason have we to want to please them? And if they truly love us, then why must we fear their response at our failing?

Failure is an element of life that everyone experiences and every one hates, but not everyone deals with it well. I have personally struggled with the harshness of failure, even though since I was but a child I have struggled and fought to avoid failure. Sadly this left me refusing to partaking in activities or taking risks because of my fear of failure and overwhelming desire to avoid it.

Community-true community- exists as a living organism of relationship and love. This means that community is our primary source of support when we do fail, and if community fails to be there for us in the darkest eras of our lives, then it is a false community. Know and be known-that is the prerogative of community. If we are their for others in their pains, but refuse to share our own then we are knowing but not being known. Community shares the joys and the sufferings of life; not just the joys. If we choose not to share our sufferings with our communities, then we are guilty of denying them the fullness of ourselves in community; we become the wound, the void in that living organism. We deny them the right of knowing us fully, but even worse is the denial of the opportunity to be Christ in our lives!

If my friend could move past his fear and his pride, he could be dwelling in a place of security, safety, and love. Now, don't think I'm being insensitive to my friend. I recognize how hard it is to open up and be vulnerable, and I'm glad that he shared his pain with me! It is important to understand, however, that if he would only reach out to the rest of his community in which he has previously been so intimately connected with, he would experience the healing and support of community that is of Christ; through which Christ would speak to his heart and bring him life, encouragement, and love! I speak from experience in this matter, having refused to turn to others in the midst of darkness. As a result, I suffered more than was necessary and left myself susceptible to prolonged, undue sorrow; discouragement; and loneliness.

Remember, if your community truly loves you then they will want to be there for you! In fact, they might even find themselves hurt by your refusing to share. If they are not willing to be their for you or show you live, then it is time to recognize that you are in a false community and it is time to move on to find a true community of believers.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Over-Exposed

Have You...?

Have you ever felt...vulnerable? Like you could be attacked at any given moment and are completely unable to defend yourself? Perhaps you felt this way as you were walking alone downtown or in an alleyway. Perhaps you felt this way after the death of a loved one or after experiencing something traumatic like a car wreck. Something that I have wrestled with for a good portion of my life is the feeling of vulnerability and exposure. (Please note, I am talking about the feeling of vulnerability. Not the active decision to "be vulnerable" with other which I completely support)

Build a Wall!

A dear friend of mine contacted me the other day after having attended a Psychology class. She informed me that she had been reading a "shame inventory" that asked a question that reflected something that I had said to her many months back. It asked the question "do you ever feel so exposed that you wish the Earth would open up and swallow you whole?" The answer is yes...yes I have. I have desired to crawl into the earth hide away from world. Similarly, I have experienced nights were I wanted to get lost in the darkest corner of the room, to be wrapped up in a cocoon, and to simply vanish into thin air.

I believe this desire to protect myself and to hide spread it's influence throughout the various aspects of my life. When I played real-time strategy games I found myself focusing on the defenses and self sufficiency of my "empire" more than the offensive power. My brother, being the more outspoken and outwardly expressive individual, focused on the opposite. Why he and I turned out so different in this aspect I'll never know. What I do know is that my feelings were real, and they affected me.

A Little History

My family made it very clear that anything bad that happened within the home was to be kept secret, so I did. I hid away all the pain and sorrow of a broken home life for the sake of of my family's false honor and dignity.  I had to save face with the church and the world. And yet, I somehow came to feel exposed??? Everything was held back, apart from my indisguisable expressions. Couldn't hide the depression, but that didn't mean I wasn't supposed to try.

I was led head-on into individualistic Christianity and taught that I didn't need people, just Jesus. The logic seems sound, but only because we neglect the value of community that God wove into the fabric of humanity. God made us to be in community and to function together. I didn't have community in or outside of my home, and when you have no community it is easy to feel like you are completely alone. Loneliness can leave one feeling vulnerable, like no one can/will come to their defense. So is this the source of those feelings of loneliness and vulnerability? Maybe...maybe not.

Perhaps it is the evil itself that took place rather than my not having an external support system to help my deal with it. Then again, it could be both! Another option is simply biological structure and personality, but these would be influences at best. It is even possible that there are events in my life that I don't remember or simply have not been able to associate with the these feelings of defenselessness.

Perhaps I will never know the root of this personal struggle. I have my suspicions, but I have no proof or solid leads. I do, however, have experience, as well as the understanding of a feeling that I previously believed to be unique to my person, but is in fact not!

Not Alone

I am not alone in these feelings. I fact, it's common enough of a feeling as to make it's way into the shame inventory that my friend was reading! There are those out there that have overwhelming feelings of exposure and are seeking refuge for their minds and souls that as if they are walking naked through the snow. Or as if they are surrounded by a dozen men with lead pipes, ready to start beating them. They most likely don't believe that their are people who would do that. These are simply the ways that best describe the indescribably. They are the images that are produced by the longing for security and community. I believe that a lot of gangs are started from the need to feel connected and like someone has their back.

Lies and Remedies

I am not an expert on emotions, nor am I a self-help specialist. I make a lot of mistakes and I fail to always keep my emotions in check. I have learned that my mind is a liar. So are demons, but most often they don't have to waste their time with me because my own mind usually has doe their work for them. As cliche as it sounds, it is important that we train our selves to speak the truth to our selves to believe what God says about us rather than what our feelings say. Prayer and meditation are very important to our lives to to the healing of our hearts. God has indeed given us community and designed us to need one another, but we also need Him. We need the help of the Spirit to complete that which humanity can only do so much of.

Reader, if you feel like shutting yourself away, please listen to what I have to say. Don't try to go this alone. You were not meant to take on life alone. If you keep trying to recluse yourself, you will eventually go so far in that the darkness you hide in can't find you. here are some things that I have learned from my years of walking with Christ and dealing with my emotions.

• Share your emotions/Don't go it alone. Find a friend who loves and cares for you; tell them about your struggles and emotions. Ask them to impart truth about who you are.

• Trust. That's a hard one I know! but trust is essential to relationship and to growth. Yes, you are going to get hurt from time to time, but no true relationship is free of pain and to live out or lives in such away that we let fear of getting hurt keep us from trusting and loving...well, that's just not living!

• Find a priest and a church community that will walk with you and will seek to know and be known by you. Nothing can substitute a good priest (or pastor if you are more low-church) to give spiritual direction and counsel.

• Remember that no matter how dark the world gets, Christ loves you. He is your shield and your strength. When all the world begins to shake, when the sun fades to blackness, and when the sky threatens to fall and crush you...stand. When you have no strength left, stand. When the enemy comes in and strikes you and knocks you down...stand. Christ is for you, don't give up and don't give in. 

It Ain't Over

I know I have a great deal further to go before my journey is over. I have so much more to learn about the world and about life. God will grant me more wisdom and understanding as the days carry on, but I trust Him to get me through to continue to make me a better person. For though He "causes me to dwell in darkness as those who are long dead" I know that the Father of Lights will be my Light. 

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no Evil, for Thou art with me. Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me...surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life."

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

The Art of Giving and Receiving

This past week I met up with the head rector of my church for lunch and conversation. We discussed a great many things going on in my life and the various decisions that I currently am facing. I shared my frustrations and my concerns about my lack of ministry work since having been in Knoxville and my failed attempt to be involved in a ministry earlier on in the year, to which he gave a response I was not expecting. "God is trying to teach you to receive", he said, "He is balancing you out and not allowing you to give because in giving you have control and in receiving you have none. Learn to receive. It's ok that God has you in this place and it's ok to receive."

These words have taken a good deal of my thinking and pondering this week. He is completely right! It;s is good to be someone who knows how to be giving, but it is also good to be one who can receive when the need is there. It is not an easy thing for me to receive money and gifts, even when I have great need of it; in my pride I often refrain from turning to others for help. This deprives others of the opportunity to show Christ to me, as well as causes me to suffer for my own pride. I am, in a sense, dishonoring the beauty of the Church and not allowing her to function as She should in the world because I brush off help and say "that is for someone in greater need tan I."

At the same time, the church needs to be ready to show love and grace to those in need, especially those within the body of Christ. I remember several years back I was sitting with a few people from my church that I didn't know very well. They were older members of the congregation and,, as far as I knew, very active seekers of God and His will. One of the kids from the small group I led was there with me as well. As we were sitting, a man entered the church and approached us; he asked if he could speak with an elder of the church or the pastor. He explained that he was in great need and was looking for anyone who would help him; he also stated that his own church had denied him any service or aid.

In response I explained that the church did not have "elders" but that I would be more than welcome to direct him to the secretary and he might be able to speak with the head pastor. I directed him to the offices and then returned to me seat. After he had departed, one of the two older members spoke. "I wouldn't DARE show up at a church like that asking for help!", she said, "When I and my husband hit rock bottom I went and found another job and I paid off our bills and I pulled us out of debt! The nerve!" This angered me greatly, but I stayed calm. I tried to reason with her but she would not budge. Lost in her pride, she refused to to even see that the church is the first place a person in need should turn. She was caught up in her own achievements and allowed those to justify her indignite behavior towards the man that came knocking and, in humility, asking for aid.

As far as I know, that man did receive help. Thankfully, the leadership was not as arrogant and and unloving as that woman. We all have areas of our life that we fail in, and we must all go through the process of being purged of our false thinking. I pray that that woman will one day see the errors in her thinking so that she can begin to fulfill the gospel in an even greater way rather than boasting in the false gospel of achievement.

In the same way, I have failed. I have fallen for the false gospel of achievement by seeking to be the giver and by doing deeds to gain favor, rather than doing good simply because I love God or because I love people. Giving out of selfish motivation and self gratification/glorification is just as sinful as the woman belittling the man and boasting of her on achievements.

Love God. Love others as yourself.

These summarize all the law, and when we do these we learn to engage in the art of giving and receiving to/from God and to/from our community of believers.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Heroes and Heroines: The Role-models That Shape Us

We have thousand of of stories of heroes and heroines. I believe that a lot of these stories of heroes, along with their antagonists affect the way we look at the world we live in and change how we function. I think that we might be, sadly, implanting false concepts into the minds of our children.

Everyone loves Superman. The shining beacon of perfection for all humanity right? Superman stands above all the other characters in Metropolis in that he is the only one who always thinks of others and he alone protects the whole of metropolis...and the world. With a few punch and couple shots of laser-eye power, the big, blue boy-scout overcomes villain after villain.

So...the only purely amazing and moral human is...well, an alien? I guess that's also why there are so many evil people and so few good ones. Is this being translated into the minds of our kids that there is more evil than good and if good is to prevail it needs to come in the form of something alien to ourselves and is buffer
than the Governator and flies fast enough to out run a bullet and maybe even turn back time? Well...coming from a Christian perspective of the world...goodness comes from God and sometimes He seems alien enough, but strength of a single "human" isn't what will overcome evil.

Let's look at Wonder Woman. The woman carved from stone to be a daughter for Hades and...whatever her name was. Again, we find ourselves with a leader and guardian that is very...alien. Additionally, it seems that a woman can only be heroic is they dress like they just came out of a strip club. Can't they beat their enemies without trying to distract them with their own lust and raging hormones? That's fighting dirty! Most Heroines seem to have the mindset that they can't fight unless that show a little cleavage and/or mid-drift. Sorry sweetheart, looking good is not an essential part fighting crime and overcoming evil. This sets an unhealthy mindset into our daughters...and quite frankly our boys as well. Personally, if I had a daughter I wouldn't want her to grow up thinking that the only way she can lead and change the world is to run around in her panties and a tank top! A little more leg doesn't increase your chances of saving the day. Sorry, Zatana.

I think there needs to be more stories like that of Batman, an ordinary man that, through discipline and willpower, overcame his limitations and became the humble hero that made the hard self-sacrificing decisions and used his whit and passion to drive himself to being a force to be reckoned with. Additionally, the story of Batman tells of a need for community. Bruce Wayne cannot single-handedly defeat evil. He needs the faithful, loving care of Alfred and the companionship of others to reach his goal. He leads and he disciples.

The X-Men and the Avengers series also show the need for community and relationship that is vital for living in the real world. We need community to overcome our weaknesses and to form our special gifts and talents. This is reality. Even the Lone Ranger wasn't all that "Lone".

We need more stories that display truth and teach our kids that you don't need super powers of some bizarre origin (like a father that happens to be the Greek god of water) to be able to slay dragons and topple regimes. However, we need the beautiful stories of meta humans and Avatars that spark imagination and creativity in the minds of our children...and even in the minds of adults.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Christianese

Christianese…such a strange language, but it goes far beyond mere words and phrases. No, it’s full of non-verbals and habitual, repetitive actions. So much is communicated through action. Generally, Christianese is sprinkled in various parts of peoples’ language and lifestyles, only coming out in certain place, but occasionally it is possible to find some that have completely drowned themselves in it. Christians have created weird cultures.

Are we not supposed to be different? Are the cultures of the Church not supposed to vastly contrast the cultures of the world?

It is not wrong that the Christian culture is…different. It must not, however, be assumed that all Christian culture is healthy of beneficial. Too much Christian culture goes unchecked and unexamined. Do we not think of the consequences of our actions and trends? When did the Church become soft and about coffee and side-hugs? From congregations who have “no problems” in life to others that are experiencing unending onslaught of turmoil at the hands of Satan himself because they “are getting it right”.

“Dress up before you come.”—“Come as you are” 

“Be reverent”—“be free!”

“Chew gum and we’ll burn you”—“if you don’t leave a coffee stain on our carpet then you haven’t gotten the full experience!”

So what honors God? All culture is broken and sinful. There is no perfect culture, no perfect lifestyle. 

What is…church? I’m not asking about big “C” church. I’m asking about our congregations and faith communities. What is our interaction? What do you think of when you think upon your faith community? Who are they? Why are they? What focus or vision are they promoting? What were faith communities in the era of the early Church and how much of that should we be reflecting? It is a hard question to answer indeed. It’s easy to say “If it was good enough for them then it is good enough for me” or “Since it’s what early Church did than it must be most right.” We forget that the early Church identified with what they did because it was culturally significant. Yes, there were various elements of their worship that separated them from “normal culture”, but it wasn't 100% different. Worship is affected by culture…and culture is affected by worship.

Americans’ worship of “rights” and “fairness” led to where we are. Worship of new, better, faster, and stronger is a disease that is eating away at the soul of our nation and communities. The Church of America has been affected by this attitude! Prayers and proclamations of blessings and good things being spoke over people and sermons on faith for financial peace and stability have multiplied in the church. Perversion of the understanding of salvation and what it means to be an “adopted child of God”.

Or have they? Do I even know what God truly desires of us or how he interacts with us? Who am I to say one thing or another? Does God not reward the faithful and those who seek purity and holiness?

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Friendship...tis a Wonderful Thing!

Today I was reflecting over how my last four years have significantly shaped my world. An are that I used to have trouble with was the area of friendship. NO...it was not because I was home-schooled. The fact is that it has been difficult for me long before homeschooling. I never quite connected with others as well as they seemed to connect. I was always hanging out with the kids who were Star Wars lovers, or the ones who just liked to look at my drawings. I have had one kid try to buy a drawing from me once! (To this day I regret not taking that 5 bucks...)

But I digress. Some of the issues I faced in my life were: 1) The overwhelming desire to be better than everyone else, 2) The desire for everyone to like me (you should already be seeing a problem), 3) The belief that I am unlikable, 4) The awareness of being different than everyone else. I was more compassionate towards people, I didn't ever think girls were "icky", I was more considerate to others and their feelings, I was more emotional, I didn't like watching sports or talking about cars, I am ginger...

So even at a very early age I faced an identity crisis, and I wasn't sure how to deal with it. I eventually lost myself to my insecurities and self hatred.

Now that I'm done with giving my testimony snip it for the day, lets get back to the topic. Going to college has helped me stand up and us my abilities as a social person. In fact I am well gifted as a social person and friend (though many would not have known this before my having gone to college).

I know for sure that God led me to Bryan College so that I could experience what it means to be in community. It is an essential for humanity that I have seriously been deprived of because of poorly run churches growing up or varies circumstances that I faced.

Tonight I got home from work to find a package on my desk from my friend in Connecticut. She sent me chocolates, because in the last two years that I've known here I have consistently brought her chocolates when she was sick. Me never being sick, didn't quite give her the opportunity to return the favor, but since I've been sick this entire week...she took advantage of the situation to really brighten my day :) It's amazing how something as simple as a bag of chocolates can have such meaning and have an affect of that magnitude!

I also got the opportunity to have dinner with a friend of mine that I haven't seen in a couple month. She and I shared many stories and experiences that we had endured at our work places in the last couple months and shared thoughts and opinions. This was such a refreshing experience for me since it is not often that I get to have conversations like that!

Additionally, I had one friend call to invite me over for dinner with him and his wife. I had to decline due to my previously acquired plans for dinner, but the fact that I was invited was significant to me.

One friend called to see how I was after reading my blog post and seeing I was sick, another to tell me how she got an invite to dating sight from a guy who was crushing on her 6 years ago, and the list goes on.

The point is that friendships have refreshed me, brought me joy, caused me pain, and shaped me into a better person. I have been able to grow and become more and more Me than I was just a few years ago, and college has caused that to grow in even greater doses! If God had not changed me back when I was 16 and began to put friends into my life...and then also not led me to Bryan...then I would be a jumbled mess of a person and without love of life or people...or even God. In His grace He has allowed me to love people and for people to love me so that I can honor Him and love Him even more than I did before.

Our relationships with God are indeed personal, but they are not private. They are collectively personal. That's how God uses us to help each other, while also being their in the midst. It's not just one-on-one. It's One-on-one-on-7 Billion. Friendship is God's tool in our lives to keep us whole and healthy. What have your friends done for you lately? :)

Peace be with you all,

Stephen