Healing in the Haitian Sun

As I got on the plane and began the final flight to Haiti, I felt my emotions begin to rise up into my nasal cavity and over take my face like a fever. I played music to distract myself but it only aided in turning the knobs that unblocked the waterworks. I felt the Spirit move in with His scalpel and all I could do was sit and let Him cut me open as I began my ascent to 30,000 ft. Despite my resistance, God had called me to go to Haiti and in my reluctant obedience He was able to put me right where He wanted me. Haiti was His seven-day project on my heart and He wasn't going to waste a minute of it.

Surgery continued over the course of the afternoon and we made our way through the hot, dusty streets. We got to our first orphanage and I ran for the nearest camera so that I could feign the desire to be useful while also protecting my heart, which was still bleeding out from the fight. Despite my attempts to run or hide, I was found by a few of the most precious little angels and they insisted that I hold them and take pictures of them.

That night, I chatted with various members of my team, including the students that we brought along with us from the boarding school where I'm employed. I still felt the heaviness of the Spirit doing his work on me, and it was anything but pleasant. I was approached by beloved friend, Kyle, who expressed the desire to speak later concerning what was going on with me. Little did I know that he would be the instrument by which God would begin to really remove the junk out of my heart and then also be the stitches that closed my open wound.


Looking back, I can only say that that moment was one of providence. I had been set up through circumstances and various different elements of life leading up to that conversation. My journey to that moment could not be limited to the afternoon flight and orphan visit. No, it had been in progress over the course of many months. Everything was somehow connected. My current problems of interest were reflections of deeper wounds and heartaches that had lay in my heart and festered for years. YEARS! The healing I sought was not what I thought I wanted, but was more than I could have asked for. It was irony. It was inconvenient. It was Haiti. It was friendship. Lastly, it was unbridled and courageous confession.

Each day that followed that first night was a process of recovery. Recovery from, not only the trauma of surgery, but from the trauma that had made the surgery necessary.

There were plenty of tears as I saw years of cancer and disease laid out before my eyes. The pain of loss, of misguided desires, and of a twisted self image that robbed me of value and purpose; robbed me of truth and relationship that I so desperately wanted; yet rejected because of the illness that I both hated and relied on.

That is most often the nature of our sin. It is the friend we hate most. It is the enemy we invite to dinner and even into our own beds for the sake of not being alone.

With each orphanage we visited, I found the Spirit drawing me out and doing something in me. On the second day we went to a town called Hinch where I met this beautiful little boy named Miguel. He stayed with me the entire time and, unlike several others, didn't care that I had nothing to offer. He wanted to be loved and he wanted to show love. We met each other exactly where we needed. We gave each other time and we spent our time being grateful that we had someone else that existed to spend time together.

In Les Miserables there is a line stated multiple times that "to love another person is see the face of God." The next day I met Brianna. That precious girl that I had the privilege of pushing on the swing went out of her way to find me and be with me. In a time when I felt unloved and unlovable, God sent me two beautiful, innocent little kids for me to love and love me in return. In the midst of my darkness, God brought me a little light.

I want to love well. That is my heart's desire! I am, however, tainted by sin and by suffering and lack what is needed to truly love well. Haiti broke into a part of me that had been walled up. Even though I still suffer and I still struggle with all of my insecurity, I long to love others and to bring them to a place of healing and show them there is more to life than sitting in their pain and suffering. There is life that lies beyond their circumstances. There is healing. 

Saying "So Long" to the South!

As many of you know, I have moved out of Tennessee! The last month has been a whirlwind of events, phone calls, writing, paperwork, travel, and learning! I now find myself dwelling in the bowels of the Midwest (a.k.a Kansas City, MO). What would make me move half way across the country on such a short notice you ask?

Well that is a bit of a loaded answer...

In March of this year I received an email from my professor at Bryan College informing me of an open position, as well as future plans to hire in May and August, at this place called Shelterwood. For over a year I had been living in Knoxville seeking God and wrestling through my passions and desires; trying to come to a final conclusion as what vocation I wanted to pursue. That's an overly simplified description of my reasons for being in Knoxville, but that would be the general overview. In the midst of my wrestling, receiving this email was a bit of unexpected event. I prayed about it, but kept shying away from pursuing the job due to uncertainty and self-questioning.

After wrestling through these things and continually being brought back to Shelterwood, I sat down with a dear friend of mine and shared my heart with him on the matter. Afterwards he gave me the words I needed to be able to move forward with my desire to apply: encouragement. I applied, and now I'm in Missouri!

Here is a video I took while driving up!

So why Shelterwood? Shelterwood is a therapeutic boarding school for teens experiencing all sorts of life struggles. Me? I'm a Big Brother/Direct Care Staff. My job is do life with them, get to know them, love them, protect them, hear their voices, and to share in their deepest pains and greatest joys! Easy? Heeeeckk no! but this is what I have chosen. It called to me, pulled at the deepest places of my soul and demanded my attention for months. This job is more than just a job. It is pushing me far outside the realms of comfort and ease; it is the place that God has drawn me to and has already had a significant affect on me as an individual! In just one week I've already seen God do some amazing thing in me, the kids, and the other "Bigs".

It has been difficult to give up my favorite coffee shops and hang outs, to leave my closest friends behind, and to take such a huge leap of faith into the void of uncertainty, but I know that I am where I belong and that after my year-long contract has ended that I'll be a completely different person and that God is going to make me even more into the man He designed me to be.

So here is to year of learning, purging, and growing. To learning the depth of love, grace, charity, and community.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Feeling the Tug

Ever since Spring of '10 I have been in love with travel. I enjoy seeing new places and being in cultures unfamiliar to me, and in the time of my college career I was blessed with many opportunities to go abroad and visit lands outside my own. I miss those opportunities, but have sought to make the most of what I have now here in my homeland, which I have missed and loved returning to. I found, however, that I can't escape the desire to travel and have new experiences. This, I believe, primarily comes out of having been changed and molded by my travels. I have seen greater change in my life and have been challenged by my surroundings and by people in my travels. I long for that again.

I believe that the time has come to begin actually doing something about my situation and my life, that I begin meeting new people and having adventures and new experiences. I have been incredibly blessed with gifts, talents, and desires, and even more so that I have become tied down by a relationship and, therefore, have no true responsibilities to anyone outside of paying off a few minor debts. This past year I have allowed myself to feel overwhelmed and enslaved by those said debts and by the expectations and beliefs of others, but that is an unhealthy and unreasonable way to live. I am free and should be living as such.

In my liberty to choose my life and my next steps, and trusting that God is guiding my will by the transformative work of His Spirit, I will do what is necessary to do what I desire to do and discover more of the world and of myself. I need to stop selling myself short and not being being the leader that I am just because of false self-talk and and because of I am putting myself down or letting people put me down or control me. It is unacceptable and dishonorable to God who made me who I am and has guided me through life to this point. He did not give me desires and gifts to be buried in the dirt, but instead to be used and invested in the world. In this I have failed greatly.

My soul screams out the pain of loss and realization, but also in joy that truth prevails and I can step out of my current situation stronger than ever and overcome the lingering shadows of sin and soul-enslavement. I have set boundaries on my life that diminish my ability to act and I have not set proper boundaries for humanity, and where I have set boundaries I have failed to defend them from intruders that barge through.

I have let time and opportunity slip by because of foolishness and bowing to the whims and perceived thoughts of others. I have feared humanity more than I have God and as a result I have become enslaved to humanity, to the philosophies and expectations of my parents, and to the broken culture that I dwell in. I am the one at fault. Through Christ who liberated me and gave me His Holy Spirit, I can break free of the darkness of my fears; I enjoy His creation and His presence forever and ever and go into the world.


Grace and peace,

Stephen

If You're Going to Look, You Might as Well See

I once heard this quote by G.K. Chesterton that made me shout out "Yes yes yes!" The quote went like this, "The tourist sees what he came to see; the traveler sees all that there is to see." I want to be a traveler and not a tourist. I don't want to just see the fancy, beautiful attractions. I want to see everything! This was how I lived when I lived in the Jordan a couple summers back, and then in Italy the year before.

I wasn't in the Middle East to see the Jordan River or Petra. I was there to truly see; to be apart of the lives of a people group I didn't know and barely understood. When in Rome I was there to see the people, hear the subtle differences in accents from those in Venice
, the difference in clothing and food; I looked for the patterns in the stone road ways just as much as, if not more than, the architectural feat that is the Colosseum.

Upon my returning to the U.S. of blessed A. I found myself struggling to maintain the same mindset that I had in other countries. I was failing to see what I was looking at. People, culture, needs...life was happening right in front in front of me but I didn't "see" it.

This is how many people live their lives. Living as tourists to their lives, here to see what they came to see and not seeing what there is to see. As a result people die without truly being a part of the world around them and without experiencing the fullness of life. By "looking" but not "seeing" we do an injustice to God's creation and to the humanity that we are a part of. We do an disservice to our fellow believers, fellow humans, and even to ourselves.

What are you not seeing? What details are you brushing over? Do you see the painting and not notice the delicacy of each stroke of the brush or the mixture and manipulation of colors that were used to make said painting?

Don't just look....

See.


Peace be with you always,

Stephen.