Moving On

Upon my graduation just a little over a year and a half ago, I found myself facing some difficult truths about myself. I was prideful, naive, self-centered, insecure, etc. I was constantly bumping heads with my family and my friends. I was angry all the time and I felt the weight of my past and my present crushing me and it fogged up my head; leading me to say and do things that have forever changed my life. After several months of getting no where I moved to Knoxville to take a job that...well, it didn't work out (collections sucks y'all), and for the past year I have worked part time in a retail department store and wrestling with the state of my heart and who I am as a man and a Christian.

I have had a lot of good days and a lot of bad. Moving away from home was one of the best things I could have done for myself, and I have had some pretty amazing friends to help me along the way. Facing one's own depravity and past is not an easy task, and thankfully I haven't had to do it on my own.

I have been reflecting on, and wrestling with, the various aspects of my life and experiences I accumulated over the last 23 years, including my teenage life and the theology that I heard (and believed) as I grew up. I have dealt with a lot of frustration, sadness, joy, and many more emotions as a result and have had a great number of revelations about myself. I have experienced significant growth and have had to accept a lot of hard truths.

I have been doing this for quite a long time and now I believe it is time to look past my...well, past haha. In the midst of my reflection I have not been fully engaged with the world around me. I retreated away for a time of healing, but now it's time for me to reengage the world. I am not saying that I am forgetting my past altogether or ignoring it's effect on my life, but I am saying that I am reprioritizing my life and putting my osat on the back burner. The past is important but not at the expense of the present and the future, which is what I have been doing up until this point.

With that said...HERE WE GO!

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

"It Goes On"

There was once a great, American poet by the name of Robert Frost who spoke to the hearts and souls of western civilization. Though he has long since passed from this Earth, his words echo through the years and we are affected still. It is said that he once stated that he found that Life could be summed up into three simple words: "It goes on."

These words have become the catchphrase of my life, as well as for a few of my closest friends. Hardship, struggle, and purging are the essence of what it means to be alive, 20-something, and/or Christian. This is way of life in a world full of sin and darkness. It is the graces of God that keep up going and prevent us from breaking under the pressure of sin's consequences. By all reason, the world should have collapsed on itself ages ago, but the work of the Spirit has kept everything at bay. 

In the midst of the deeply rooted pain in my soul and the Spirit's surging of my heart, which is not so much more pleasant, I have begun to gain the faintest understanding of Christ's work of redemption in us. I have seen such growth in myself, and yet I see that I have even farther to go that I once thought. I am a sinner. I am tainted by the falsity and broken desires that compel me to act and think in ways that are contrary to the wholeness that God designed in humanity at the genesis of time. The knowledge of how much weight I bear verses  that reality that Christ bears much more of my baggage for me is a humbling thing. Christ is with me, always. Life goes on. It's hard to think that there is more ahead; that one must not submit themselves to despair but instead push forward with all their might to "live". The refusing to cave under the already tremendous pressure is a difficult task and one that is to often left unaccomplished. 

There is a time for peace and a time for war. I'm learning to trust Christ and to know that I can't wait around for things to just be better. Life doesn't wait for anyone...it goes on. Bad things are inevitable and suffereing will occur, but it's ok because life goes on...

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Entertaining Unaware

This past week I found myself sitting in a McDonald's with three friends just chatting about a thousand random things. We discussed everything from giant bears to preferred form of death to bible to psychology to Lord knows what! We jumped to whatever topic was on our minds and we're having a blast discussing it all.

As we were talking about what it would be like to be killed by attacks from wild beasts (yea...I know), we were suddenly interrupted by a man in his late 40's who had been sitting not far from our booth. He expressed great joy in having been able to sit by and having overheard our conversation! We learned that the man was a pastor from the area and we had the opportunity to hear about some missions trips he was working on and we were able to pray for him before he left. While his initial interaction with us was slightly awkward, it was a rewarding and enriching addition to our night.

First and foremost, we were made aware of our having blessed someone else through our, well, living! We were ourselves and were able to bring the man joy! He stated that listening to us reminded him of his need to sit back and enjoy life; slow down and enjoy the simple things including conversations with friends about nothing in particular. This is a good things for all of us to remember!

Second, I was reminded that what we do doesn't always go unseen, or unheard! We influence and shape the world around us in small ways every day. This is why walking in love and displaying Christ everywhere we go is so important! People see it! You might be entertaining angels without knowing it right?

I was glad that he had taken the time and had the courage to approach us and tell us of how we had affected him. It makes me wonder how many people have overheard me talking with others and have been moved by what we said or if someone's day had been brightened. Also, how many chances am I missing out on in public places to hear and listen to the world around me just because I don't take the time to notice. While I wouldn't intentionally ease drop on a conversation, I can see and hear a great deal going on around me just by taking my headphones off and being more present in the local coffee shop I'm sitting in or the mall that I work at or whatever!

I want, and need, to be more present in my environment and not retreat from my surroundings so often. I miss prime opportunities for learning and for teaching by closing myself up in the prison of my Pandora station, but if I would just take the head phones off and let myself exist in fullness within the habitat that I have occupied...my life might change a thousand times more.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

"Truth is?"

The fact is that truth is more often than not something other than what we actually think it is. I have been in a life long battle with "truth" and I'm really just starting to get it. God is truth, and beside Him there is only that which He declares true. There is reality because the ultimate Truth Himself spoke everything to be.

Forgive me, I stray from my topic! Earlier this afternoon I began reading a book called "Telling Yourself the Truth" by Backus and Chapian. By the end of the first page I was already thinking "Woah...this was written for me!" Already, the book shattered a false belief in my life. This false belief is that I'm the only one who feels the way I do or thinks the way I think. The authors gave examples of people who say the EXACT same words that I tell myself all the time.

The truth is that I believe lies the bleed out of hurt emotions and a severe habit of self destruction. My "self-talk" takes a problem or an issue and dwells on it; makes it worse; and causes my joy, peace, and happiness to implode on themselves. My desire is to change this about my life and walk in truth rather than foolish lying and self degrading self talk.

I think that too often many of us get lost in the past and in our feelings. We jump to conclusions and for those, like me, you might be stuck in a pattern or habit of lying to yourself or letting your mind follow a thought trail that is demeaning to yourself.

Here are some tips I've learned (all of these can be found in book mentioned above):

1. Avoid over generalization! Words such as always, never, everyone, & no one are rarely (if ever) true. 
2. You aren't the only one who feel the way you do, so don't go around thinking others haven't been through what you've been through. (Besides, what makes you so special that God should deem you the one to go through something that no one else has gone through or something that can't be over come?) 
3. There are a lot of was that we deceive ourselves and we need to be aware of things we say to ourselves. 
4. Prayer and spiritual discipline are a big part of this, don't leave God out. 
5. Don't be afraid to run to friends and/or family for help. Accountability is important and "faithful are the wounds of a friend and deadly are the kisses of an enemy.
6. Looking at one's childhood can help one understand their self talk and why they do it, but we cannot base all of our problems in the past. We have to let the past go and be aware of the present. The past doesn't keep us from acting on the now. It is not "sovereign" over your actions. 

I know there is much more to learn. I had a couple more points I wanted to put down...but I'm so tired that I forgot them :P 

Peace be upon you all,

Stephen

A Seed of Hope

Lately I have been overwhelmed with a sort of dark, lonely reality. Though I'm surrounded by family and many friends, my previous statement remains the fabric of my reality. Through this my opinions and decisions are shaped and distorted.
Recently, in the midst of this I am able to see a great deal about myself, as well as see the strength and loyalties of my friendship. Frankly my life is a bigger mess than the Deathstar post-Luke, but it is not hopeless as I once believed. Instead I have been forced to come face-to-face once again with the reality of my sinfulness; my depravity. In turn I find myself finally seeking God as I should be. In my seeking, the Holy Spirit has begun to awaken me inside and spark something new. I fear that this will only be for a short time and I wish to revel in every last moment I have, but more importantly I want to come to the end of this season and look back and say that I have been changed and that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have accomplished something of eternal value. It's coming to life...coming to bloom. My restless soul aches for more and my soul has been awakened from its comatose to stand up and be counted.
I pray for wisdom and for strength. I wish to move with the Spirit in this divine dance and to go with Him into the darkness, rushing forth like the dawn; like a river rushes forth after a dam has been broken. Its time to be present in this world again.