"Troubles" by Stephen Green II

They say troubles come in three’s;
I say troubles grow on trees.

Smoke billows ‘round weeping willows
All is silent on the tear-stained pillow.
In a young man’s room, where shadows promise comfort,
The loneliness of the Middle dampens every effort
To be more than just a byproduct of lust and desire;
To be more than a pawn’s head placed upon a spire.

They say troubles come in three’s
I say troubles grow on trees.

Shelters are prisons and forts are cages;
Punishments plus smiles are offered as wages.
Insensitively screaming “You think you got the stuff?!”
To the boy that dared to say “Dad, that’s enough!”
Other-worldly strength hidden behind weakness.
The strength of a man behind involuntary meekness.

They say troubles comes in three’s
I say troubles grow on trees.

Yet there’s hope in the strain
And priceless is the gain
When one survives the storm
And goes against the norm.
For a man most succeeds
When troubles grow on trees.

Over-Exposed

Have You...?

Have you ever felt...vulnerable? Like you could be attacked at any given moment and are completely unable to defend yourself? Perhaps you felt this way as you were walking alone downtown or in an alleyway. Perhaps you felt this way after the death of a loved one or after experiencing something traumatic like a car wreck. Something that I have wrestled with for a good portion of my life is the feeling of vulnerability and exposure. (Please note, I am talking about the feeling of vulnerability. Not the active decision to "be vulnerable" with other which I completely support)

Build a Wall!

A dear friend of mine contacted me the other day after having attended a Psychology class. She informed me that she had been reading a "shame inventory" that asked a question that reflected something that I had said to her many months back. It asked the question "do you ever feel so exposed that you wish the Earth would open up and swallow you whole?" The answer is yes...yes I have. I have desired to crawl into the earth hide away from world. Similarly, I have experienced nights were I wanted to get lost in the darkest corner of the room, to be wrapped up in a cocoon, and to simply vanish into thin air.

I believe this desire to protect myself and to hide spread it's influence throughout the various aspects of my life. When I played real-time strategy games I found myself focusing on the defenses and self sufficiency of my "empire" more than the offensive power. My brother, being the more outspoken and outwardly expressive individual, focused on the opposite. Why he and I turned out so different in this aspect I'll never know. What I do know is that my feelings were real, and they affected me.

A Little History

My family made it very clear that anything bad that happened within the home was to be kept secret, so I did. I hid away all the pain and sorrow of a broken home life for the sake of of my family's false honor and dignity.  I had to save face with the church and the world. And yet, I somehow came to feel exposed??? Everything was held back, apart from my indisguisable expressions. Couldn't hide the depression, but that didn't mean I wasn't supposed to try.

I was led head-on into individualistic Christianity and taught that I didn't need people, just Jesus. The logic seems sound, but only because we neglect the value of community that God wove into the fabric of humanity. God made us to be in community and to function together. I didn't have community in or outside of my home, and when you have no community it is easy to feel like you are completely alone. Loneliness can leave one feeling vulnerable, like no one can/will come to their defense. So is this the source of those feelings of loneliness and vulnerability? Maybe...maybe not.

Perhaps it is the evil itself that took place rather than my not having an external support system to help my deal with it. Then again, it could be both! Another option is simply biological structure and personality, but these would be influences at best. It is even possible that there are events in my life that I don't remember or simply have not been able to associate with the these feelings of defenselessness.

Perhaps I will never know the root of this personal struggle. I have my suspicions, but I have no proof or solid leads. I do, however, have experience, as well as the understanding of a feeling that I previously believed to be unique to my person, but is in fact not!

Not Alone

I am not alone in these feelings. I fact, it's common enough of a feeling as to make it's way into the shame inventory that my friend was reading! There are those out there that have overwhelming feelings of exposure and are seeking refuge for their minds and souls that as if they are walking naked through the snow. Or as if they are surrounded by a dozen men with lead pipes, ready to start beating them. They most likely don't believe that their are people who would do that. These are simply the ways that best describe the indescribably. They are the images that are produced by the longing for security and community. I believe that a lot of gangs are started from the need to feel connected and like someone has their back.

Lies and Remedies

I am not an expert on emotions, nor am I a self-help specialist. I make a lot of mistakes and I fail to always keep my emotions in check. I have learned that my mind is a liar. So are demons, but most often they don't have to waste their time with me because my own mind usually has doe their work for them. As cliche as it sounds, it is important that we train our selves to speak the truth to our selves to believe what God says about us rather than what our feelings say. Prayer and meditation are very important to our lives to to the healing of our hearts. God has indeed given us community and designed us to need one another, but we also need Him. We need the help of the Spirit to complete that which humanity can only do so much of.

Reader, if you feel like shutting yourself away, please listen to what I have to say. Don't try to go this alone. You were not meant to take on life alone. If you keep trying to recluse yourself, you will eventually go so far in that the darkness you hide in can't find you. here are some things that I have learned from my years of walking with Christ and dealing with my emotions.

• Share your emotions/Don't go it alone. Find a friend who loves and cares for you; tell them about your struggles and emotions. Ask them to impart truth about who you are.

• Trust. That's a hard one I know! but trust is essential to relationship and to growth. Yes, you are going to get hurt from time to time, but no true relationship is free of pain and to live out or lives in such away that we let fear of getting hurt keep us from trusting and loving...well, that's just not living!

• Find a priest and a church community that will walk with you and will seek to know and be known by you. Nothing can substitute a good priest (or pastor if you are more low-church) to give spiritual direction and counsel.

• Remember that no matter how dark the world gets, Christ loves you. He is your shield and your strength. When all the world begins to shake, when the sun fades to blackness, and when the sky threatens to fall and crush you...stand. When you have no strength left, stand. When the enemy comes in and strikes you and knocks you down...stand. Christ is for you, don't give up and don't give in. 

It Ain't Over

I know I have a great deal further to go before my journey is over. I have so much more to learn about the world and about life. God will grant me more wisdom and understanding as the days carry on, but I trust Him to get me through to continue to make me a better person. For though He "causes me to dwell in darkness as those who are long dead" I know that the Father of Lights will be my Light. 

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no Evil, for Thou art with me. Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me...surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life."

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Aspirations

What is something worth aspiring towards? What is worth doing? Each of my friends has something they aspire to be or do. For one it is to be consistent in all that he believes and to teach others to be consistent as well. Another seeks to live with discipline in the realm of Christian tradition and to have vast understanding of historical theology and understanding. Another aspires to good biblical theology and an understanding of the ancient languages that form the holy Scriptures and to teach others. And another seek to become well versed in psychology and to understand the mind to be able to reach out to broken men and women caught up in a world of brokenness, depression, sex slavery, and abuse.

All of these things, though in many ways very similar, are unique and independent aspirations that a beautiful to behold. Not all, however, have the same aspirations nor do people always appreciate these goals fully. Not everyone understands why one might want to start a nonprofit that helps the sexually abused as well as the abuser. Not everyone sees the importance of tradition or of original texts.

So here is where I find myself a little lost. I have nothing that I really specialize in, and I cannot think of single thing that I am passionate about. What is this? Apathy? Maybe. I'm really not sure. I mull over a thousand different things that I could pursue. I come across causes and the like that inspire me and even spark a desire to act, but all too soon that spark fades and I'm back at square one.

I confess that this reality scares me a little. It leads me to question myself and to wonder if there is an area I am broken in. There is. Depression and self-pity are two of the diseases that plague my soul and have for a very long time. It would be pointless and dishonest to deny that this is true. The consistent self-destructive thinking cripples my advance toward something I want to do. Before I even begin my task I've already told myself that I can't do it and I burn the bridge before it's even built.

I think that what I struggle with is more common than I once believed. I am hearing more and more about people who struggle with the same things as I. I know that there are events and relationships throughout my life that have played important factors into who I am and how I behave, but I must accept ultimate blame for what I do or don't do. Could a lot of crap been avoided by the actions of others? Absolutely. Will they be held responsible? Of course, but so will I. I will take the blunt of the blame just as I will take the measure of responsibility for what I did and did not do for others in need.

My responsibility now is to rise above my habits and the darkness that threatens me. I will seek help when necessary; I will make plans and push myself to get past the written lists I've developed. I will seek and trust God to lead me through the dark valleys that will build up my soul and make me holier tomorrow than I was yesterday. I will aspire to be a godly person and that faces every adversary with boldness and faith, to be free of cultural shackles that give me false interpretations of what is greatness and what is admirable. I will aspire to be the fullness of what God has desired to be the person of Stephen Green.


Grace and Peace,

Stephen

"Troubles" By Stephen Green II

They say troubles come in 3’s;

I say that troubles grow on trees.

Smoke billows around weeping willows

And all is silent upon the tear-stained pillows.

In a young man’s room where shadows promise comfort,

The loneliness of the Middle dampens every effort

To be more than just a byproduct of lust and desire;

To be more than a pawn’s head placed upon a crooked spire. 

They say troubles come in 3’s

I say that troubles grow on trees.

Shelters are prisons and forts are cages;

Punishments plus smiles are offered as wages.

Insensitively screaming “You think you got the stuff?!”

To the boy that dared to say “Dad,that’s enough.”

Other-worldly strength hidden behind weakness.

The strength of a man behind involuntary meekness. 

They say troubles comes in 3’s

I say troubles grow on trees. 

Yet there is hope amidst the strain 

And priceless is the gain

When one survives the storm

And goes against the norm.

A Christian most suceeds

When troubles grow on trees.