Survivor

"Last Time On..."

In my last post I shared some of my experience as a teen growing up with a less-than-ideal marriage situation. I wanted to follow up on that post with another one that paralleled the first. In this post I wish to share the three elements of my life that kept me going and helped me traverse the waters of adversity.

Before I get to that I'd like to detour a bit.

There are those out there who have chosen to take sides with my parents, and I implore each of you to do so in love and charity for both parties, and with the knowledge that if you only listen to one person's story that you aren't going to get the full picture.

I'm grateful that no one who shouldn't has come to me with inquiries about their marriage, but I'm disappointed in those who should have and didn't. I needed aid, mentoring, and compassion from those older than I and did not find it, even when I sought after it intentionally.

With that said, let's pop on.

"How did you get through it?"

I'm glad you asked!

Teenagedom proved challenging-weighed down by stress and grotesque levels of emotions. I found escape by three means:

1. A bedroom with a door that stayed closed 96% of the time.
2. An ambitious and optimistic youth group.
3. A grocery store within walking distance that served as the perfect first job.

1. The Door

If I was home I was isolating. I used my room as a sanctuary, often thinking of the 10' by 10' space as being a castle in the dark forest of life. A gateway to another world where I could be safe. It helped that it was the most removed from other, high-occupancy rooms.

The moment I heard the very distinct sound of the Toyota pickup entering the driveway, *swoosh, click* door was shut. This didn't eliminate the stress or anxiety brought on by the knowledge of
others' presence or the sound of people moving around the house, but it did dampen a lot. Music covered most of the rest.

Looking back, I can see how my isolation caused destruction of its own kind. I would have been better off finding extra curricular activities such as sports or a social club based around art or photography, etc.

Please note that separating yourself from a bad thing is an excellent start! You cant heal a burn if you keep touching the fire. You need to, however, also find life giving environments and activities that help you heal quicker and be human.

2. Youth Group

While I don't fully accept the theology of my childhood upbringing, I recognize how I received safety and healing because of it. Being Pentecostal was the closest thing to therapy that I could get as a teen whose patriarch wasn't so keen on the idea of counseling. I was able to safely release emotions and pain in an environment that encouraged oral prayers and honest with God. I was also given vision for living and pushed to believe in the possibility of world affected by the gospel; that I could be a part of something bigger and world-changing.

If I could change one thing about this particular aspect of my life, it would be that I would have found mentors to invest in me more thoroughly and intentionally.

3. Work


I've been accused of being a workaholic. I think this is accurate in that I often use work as a means of escape, or as a means of finding value as a person. These are most definitely unhealthy elements of my personality. I'm simply stating that this was a means of survival for me as a teen. It also gave me a strong work ethic and helped me gain money, and favor with my superiors.

Ultimately, the job was a huge help for me and the pros outweighed the cons. Since then I've had to learn to fight off tendencies to become codependent and use work as a crutch for insecurity, but if one holds a proper perspective work can be extremely beneficial for a healthy life.

Here and Now

There are a lot of ongoing issues that my family has faced for longer than I care to calculate. All of which are major contributors to my development as a human and the forming of my worldview. I place significant measures of blame for the struggles that I face on my parents. It wasn't until I left for college and was exposed to so much more diversity of thought and belief that I was able to begin recognizing the gravity of what I endured for so many years. 

Generally speaking, I turned out alright. 

I've been a mentor, leader, writer, and an influence to hundreds of lives. I have helped more people than I can count to live better, healthier lives and only at the age of 27!

It took hard work to get here, and a lot of grace from God to be this person. 

The important part was that I lived to fight another day. I made it to 27 and I continue to grow and learn. Every day propels me onward towards wholeness, and I find myself influenced by my history but not oppressed by it. 

Grace and Peace, 

Stephen

The Weight of Expectation

Most of us grow up in environments that come with a set of expectations. Some are healthy and some not so healthy. More often than not, these expectations are unwritten and, nearly as often, unrecognized for what they truly are. I experienced many of these said expectations in my own life, and I have watched many others either bow to or rebel against the ones set for them.

“Love makes the world go round, but money greases the wheel.” These are the words that I hear every time I have a conversation with my grandfather. He set high expectations for my brother and I to study hard, do well in school, and get degrees that led to jobs that [aid well and allowed us to live comfortably. There is nothing wrong with him desiring his grandchildren to live well, but the problem lies in not being willing to accept that we might desire to pursue careers and callings that lack significant income.

The expectation that I will work hard and work to take care of my future family is more than reasonable, and definitely biblical, but as a single man I have less responsibilities to uphold and can live with less income. Not work less hard, but definitely not worry as much about having the means to live “comfortably.” In fact, I do not find in necessary for me to gain more income just for the sake of having my heat turned on for the winter. I can survive just fine without it, as have hundreds upon hundreds of my ancestors. No, not needed. I do, however, have the responsibility of paying off medical debts and student loans and therefore income is essential for accomplishing this, and for getting sufficient food to be healthy enough to work. (Which...yea failing on that one...)

At the same time, while there are those that bear the weight of high-success expectations, many more bear the weight of low-success expectations. Those who are told their entire lives by friends and family that they will never amount to anything, that they will end up broke and pregnant, that they will their lives on the streets as a beggar. There are those that have no hope for fulfilling their dreams or living an average life because of a community that chains them down by broken expectations, and others still are unmotivated for having not been given expectations to begin with.

The worst is probably the expectations we place upon ourselves. If we really thought about it, there are no expectations outside of the ones we place upon ourselves. How do other peoples’ expectations enslave us? We adopt them in our lives and nail ourselves to them. We rate our success and failures according to what has been presented to us. We are at fault. I...am at fault. So how do we remedy this?

Recognizing the issue is a great first step! Acceptance of the truth is almost always a needed ingredient to true change! Once we see what is happening we can begin acting on it.

Now, here is the hard part. I can tell you from personal experience that knowing a truth does not make acting on it easy to do. In fact you might have to go back to step one a few times. The next step is a matter will power and discipline. Willpower to push oneself to do and to NOT do; to resist the pushing and twisting of other people intrusions and forced philosophies.

Don't get me wrong, we need other people to push us and to raise our expectations to a healthy level that will make us better people, but without breaking us. We need to understand that living our dreams and also living in the realm of responsible, well-balanced life requires that we engage in community and seek counseling form older and wiser people. To make sure that we don't pursue "dreams" that are completely foolish (think of some American Idol contestants).

Sometimes our dreams and desires need to be reformed. These change as we begin to understand ourselves, our talents, and our abilities. I will never be an Olympian. I would be a fool to chase after that, but I can be a much more fit man and I can pursue that. I will never get a hit record, but I can sing and I can practice that and use that in significant ways. I have a talent for teaching and I can pursue that route (though I definitely won't be "greasing the wheel" with that job).

Lastly, pray. Seek God and ask Him to guide you and help you to see His truth. The truth of who God made you to be and what He wants you to do. God's expectations not without struggle and are not accomplished without the exertion of energy, but they are easy and light. When we pursue the expectation of Christ, we honor Him and He helps us where we lack strength. We dwell in a healthy and freeing set of standards.

You might just suddenly find everything flipped on ya. 

Grace and peace,

Stephen

If You're Going to Look, You Might as Well See

I once heard this quote by G.K. Chesterton that made me shout out "Yes yes yes!" The quote went like this, "The tourist sees what he came to see; the traveler sees all that there is to see." I want to be a traveler and not a tourist. I don't want to just see the fancy, beautiful attractions. I want to see everything! This was how I lived when I lived in the Jordan a couple summers back, and then in Italy the year before.

I wasn't in the Middle East to see the Jordan River or Petra. I was there to truly see; to be apart of the lives of a people group I didn't know and barely understood. When in Rome I was there to see the people, hear the subtle differences in accents from those in Venice
, the difference in clothing and food; I looked for the patterns in the stone road ways just as much as, if not more than, the architectural feat that is the Colosseum.

Upon my returning to the U.S. of blessed A. I found myself struggling to maintain the same mindset that I had in other countries. I was failing to see what I was looking at. People, culture, needs...life was happening right in front in front of me but I didn't "see" it.

This is how many people live their lives. Living as tourists to their lives, here to see what they came to see and not seeing what there is to see. As a result people die without truly being a part of the world around them and without experiencing the fullness of life. By "looking" but not "seeing" we do an injustice to God's creation and to the humanity that we are a part of. We do an disservice to our fellow believers, fellow humans, and even to ourselves.

What are you not seeing? What details are you brushing over? Do you see the painting and not notice the delicacy of each stroke of the brush or the mixture and manipulation of colors that were used to make said painting?

Don't just look....

See.


Peace be with you always,

Stephen.