Moving On

Upon my graduation just a little over a year and a half ago, I found myself facing some difficult truths about myself. I was prideful, naive, self-centered, insecure, etc. I was constantly bumping heads with my family and my friends. I was angry all the time and I felt the weight of my past and my present crushing me and it fogged up my head; leading me to say and do things that have forever changed my life. After several months of getting no where I moved to Knoxville to take a job that...well, it didn't work out (collections sucks y'all), and for the past year I have worked part time in a retail department store and wrestling with the state of my heart and who I am as a man and a Christian.

I have had a lot of good days and a lot of bad. Moving away from home was one of the best things I could have done for myself, and I have had some pretty amazing friends to help me along the way. Facing one's own depravity and past is not an easy task, and thankfully I haven't had to do it on my own.

I have been reflecting on, and wrestling with, the various aspects of my life and experiences I accumulated over the last 23 years, including my teenage life and the theology that I heard (and believed) as I grew up. I have dealt with a lot of frustration, sadness, joy, and many more emotions as a result and have had a great number of revelations about myself. I have experienced significant growth and have had to accept a lot of hard truths.

I have been doing this for quite a long time and now I believe it is time to look past my...well, past haha. In the midst of my reflection I have not been fully engaged with the world around me. I retreated away for a time of healing, but now it's time for me to reengage the world. I am not saying that I am forgetting my past altogether or ignoring it's effect on my life, but I am saying that I am reprioritizing my life and putting my osat on the back burner. The past is important but not at the expense of the present and the future, which is what I have been doing up until this point.

With that said...HERE WE GO!

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

"It Goes On"

There was once a great, American poet by the name of Robert Frost who spoke to the hearts and souls of western civilization. Though he has long since passed from this Earth, his words echo through the years and we are affected still. It is said that he once stated that he found that Life could be summed up into three simple words: "It goes on."

These words have become the catchphrase of my life, as well as for a few of my closest friends. Hardship, struggle, and purging are the essence of what it means to be alive, 20-something, and/or Christian. This is way of life in a world full of sin and darkness. It is the graces of God that keep up going and prevent us from breaking under the pressure of sin's consequences. By all reason, the world should have collapsed on itself ages ago, but the work of the Spirit has kept everything at bay. 

In the midst of the deeply rooted pain in my soul and the Spirit's surging of my heart, which is not so much more pleasant, I have begun to gain the faintest understanding of Christ's work of redemption in us. I have seen such growth in myself, and yet I see that I have even farther to go that I once thought. I am a sinner. I am tainted by the falsity and broken desires that compel me to act and think in ways that are contrary to the wholeness that God designed in humanity at the genesis of time. The knowledge of how much weight I bear verses  that reality that Christ bears much more of my baggage for me is a humbling thing. Christ is with me, always. Life goes on. It's hard to think that there is more ahead; that one must not submit themselves to despair but instead push forward with all their might to "live". The refusing to cave under the already tremendous pressure is a difficult task and one that is to often left unaccomplished. 

There is a time for peace and a time for war. I'm learning to trust Christ and to know that I can't wait around for things to just be better. Life doesn't wait for anyone...it goes on. Bad things are inevitable and suffereing will occur, but it's ok because life goes on...

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Sweet, Sweet Memories

Today I went to the office of my apartment complex to retrieve a package that I WASN'T expecting. Upon retrieving the package I immediately looked for the sender's info; I was delighted to find that the package was form a couple of dear friends of mine currently living in the frozen wonderland of New Canada (a.k.a Minnesota).

It's amazing how something as simple as a bag of coffee and few personal, thoughtful notes written on the side of said bag of coffee can brighten ones day and flood one's thoughts with a thousand beautiful memories of times gone by! :)

A year ago I might have mourned the passing of that period of my life and taken upon myself a cloak of sadness at no longer being near these friends of mine or being in Italy with them. I find, however, that I over the last year that God has so greatly worked in my heart and mind that instead of sadness, I fully embrace the  joy of times past, the gratitude of friendships that survive the harshness of time and distance, and the grace of a God that has allowed me to have both.

I may no longer be in Italy, but I still have those memories. I may not be living in the same building as those dear friends of mine, but I still call them friends and I know that we are there for each other if life were to rage against us. I have learned from the past and look to the future with a great hope and with the knowledge that I have many more unique experiences awaiting me. Places to go, people to meet, and a God that is going to be with me through it all!

Ave Atque Vale! Hail and Farewell!

Peace be upon you,

Stephen

Reset

Sometimes I wish life was like my old Nintendo...if I mess up I can just hit "reset" and try again. Eventually I'd have every move, every step planned out perfectly to react to the appropriate approaching obstacle that I wouldn't have had foresight to avoid the first run through. Sadly, life doesn't come with a reset button. Whatever happens is "auto saved" in real time and there is nothing that we can do about time that slips by us.

Many might say that I am too young to begin thinking like this...I don't think so. I might be, however, too young to know how to handle such a realization. No? Ok. In that case I have not the maturity and strength of will to handle it. I want to despair over time wasted and words spoken in vain. This, however, is not a very godly way of approaching life, and it is void of grace. Grace should overwhelm our lives. No it should not become a justification for wasting time or sinning, but it should allow us to say "Ok, I messed up...but I can do better and I don't have to be angry or feel condemned for what I have or haven't done."

One of the most striking phrases I have heard in a church service was during a time of confession during a vespers service that I attended at an AMIA (Anglican Mission to America) church service. It went like this :

"Heavenly Father, we confess that we have sinned against You in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done and by what we have left undone. We have not loved You with our whole hearts; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves..."

Every time I say this words, I sense the presence of God. In my yielding and confessing I sense His grace being poured out on me and I am renewed. It has come to my attention of late that I am not so gracious to myself. I do not think it possible for one to "forgive" one's own self, but I do think it possible to withhold grace from oneself. This I do often. I also do not own up to reality and say "what is don't is behind me, don't fret it and make the change." This is the most ungodly thing about me that I can currently name.

To day I heard a priest say "it sinful to think too highly of yourself, but it also sinful to think too lowly of yourself." Here is where I fall short time and time again. It's something that affects more than just me, but also my friends and loved ones. This is not what I desire for the rest of my life. Instead I'd rather stand tall, look at all that has transpired, and say "no more!" So I pray for the Holy Spirit's continual loving mercy to mold and shape my mind and my heart that I might move forward in peace to love and serve the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. To live...truly live life in the presence of God the Almighty and enjoy His creation unto my death.

Peace be with you all.

Stephen

"Truth is?"

The fact is that truth is more often than not something other than what we actually think it is. I have been in a life long battle with "truth" and I'm really just starting to get it. God is truth, and beside Him there is only that which He declares true. There is reality because the ultimate Truth Himself spoke everything to be.

Forgive me, I stray from my topic! Earlier this afternoon I began reading a book called "Telling Yourself the Truth" by Backus and Chapian. By the end of the first page I was already thinking "Woah...this was written for me!" Already, the book shattered a false belief in my life. This false belief is that I'm the only one who feels the way I do or thinks the way I think. The authors gave examples of people who say the EXACT same words that I tell myself all the time.

The truth is that I believe lies the bleed out of hurt emotions and a severe habit of self destruction. My "self-talk" takes a problem or an issue and dwells on it; makes it worse; and causes my joy, peace, and happiness to implode on themselves. My desire is to change this about my life and walk in truth rather than foolish lying and self degrading self talk.

I think that too often many of us get lost in the past and in our feelings. We jump to conclusions and for those, like me, you might be stuck in a pattern or habit of lying to yourself or letting your mind follow a thought trail that is demeaning to yourself.

Here are some tips I've learned (all of these can be found in book mentioned above):

1. Avoid over generalization! Words such as always, never, everyone, & no one are rarely (if ever) true. 
2. You aren't the only one who feel the way you do, so don't go around thinking others haven't been through what you've been through. (Besides, what makes you so special that God should deem you the one to go through something that no one else has gone through or something that can't be over come?) 
3. There are a lot of was that we deceive ourselves and we need to be aware of things we say to ourselves. 
4. Prayer and spiritual discipline are a big part of this, don't leave God out. 
5. Don't be afraid to run to friends and/or family for help. Accountability is important and "faithful are the wounds of a friend and deadly are the kisses of an enemy.
6. Looking at one's childhood can help one understand their self talk and why they do it, but we cannot base all of our problems in the past. We have to let the past go and be aware of the present. The past doesn't keep us from acting on the now. It is not "sovereign" over your actions. 

I know there is much more to learn. I had a couple more points I wanted to put down...but I'm so tired that I forgot them :P 

Peace be upon you all,

Stephen

"It doesn't matter now, it's all in the past"

Today I was sitting in my favorite little coffee shop/Anglican church (yeah, just mull over that one for a little bit) and I thought of a song that I had heard countless times on the radio. Quite honestly I don't know the name of the song...in fact I don't even know the name of the artist! I do, however, remember a key part of the chorus that got me thinking.

"It don't matter where you been, only where you're going. It don't matter what you've done, only what you're doing." 

(Exact wording may be off, especially since Google searches have yielded no help in discovering the name of the song or artist)

Ok, so it doesn't matter where you've been or what you've done? Go and tell the owner of a local business that as you turn in an application. I wouldn't be surprised if you got laughed out of the store and had your application thrown away, especially considering 50% or more of your application is based off of past experiences, work history, and criminal record. Your past means a lot in the business world, and whether you like it or not, it means a lot in the church world as well.

I gave this phrase some thought and tried to be fair in my assessment of it. It is important to note that this over generalized statement may not be said the way the artist intended, but then again it might. Let's just take the statement for as it is structured, and ultimately it says "Your past doesn't matter, it's all about the present and the future." This statement/ideology is growing in it's use among church-goers  as a way of easing the minds of those plagued by guilt and feelings of condemnation. It is often attached to the verse "There is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1), but is that how we are supposed to view the past? Also, why is it that this statement is only used in reference to having a shady past or a less than desirable background? While I'm not trying to negate scripture, I am trying to say that we are possibly adding to what is actually there. No, there is no condemnation for those who are of the redeemed, but that does not mean that the past doesn't matter or is to be forgotten. It means we have hope for the present and the future and we have a God who guides us and uses our past to make us new.

The problem with this ideology is that it numbs us to reality, to long term consequences, and personal responsibility. It also feeds the foolish, self-centered, and arrogant belief that one deserves a second chance, that world owes them for all their suffering, or that no one should think badly of them. Lost in the depths of a postmodern society, people begin to ignore truth, fact, and honest acceptance of what is their lives...unless it's good of course.

 The fact is that "where I've been" was once "where I was going" and "what I'm doing" will one day be "where I've been" and "what I've done". This ideology implodes on itself and in the end states that everything that matters is in the future, but we all know that the future will soon be in the past. It is inevitable that all future will be in the past. So life is pointless altogether!

But this life does have value! We still have life, which is a gift of God! We have a purpose in life, we were designed for life on Earth, and therefore we must learn to make the most of life as we have it, and part of our lives, a significant part, is our past. When we forget who we were, our testimonies mean nothing and we lose sight of grace and beauty...and our worship of God suffers. When we ignore the past, we amputate a part of ourselves and go throughout the rest of our lives with a proverbial limp, unable to function at the fullest of our capacity because we failed to deal with the emotions and situations that have so deeply shaped who have become.

My life is no exception to this. After many years I've learned a great deal about the damage that can come about through ignoring one's past and not facing it head on. For years I tried to ignore it and run from it, and all I got in return was a build up of bitterness and anger, as well as an increasing numbness to those around me, even the ones I love. Life is too short for us to live our lives enslaved by the past, and we only overthrow the past by facing it head on, and by being willing to accept the pain and suffering that come with doing so.