A Happy Ending

Finally...It's Over

My parents recently signed the papers to end the twenty-some-odd-year season of hurt and struggle that many people commonly refer to as "marriage."

You might think that this is overstepping boundaries-that I have no right to share any such things with the world. After all, it wasn't my marriage right?

HA! WRONG!

You're right… it wasn't my marriage, but this grand catastrophe profoundly affects my life. Covering it up helps no one and only perpetuates the problem. My intent is not to share their junk, but to tell you my experiences and what I learned from living with a less-than-ideal marriage.

A child, though not fully able to comprehend his or her surroundings, can pick up on the subtle issues of his or her parents. I was no exception.

Here are the three things that I learned as a teen dealing with a broken marriage.

1. Fear Suffocates

Whether you cause it or experience it, fear is poisonous to a healthy home environment. Fear can cause us to say and do a lot of crazy things. It enslaves us to the whims of others, keeps us from speaking out against injustice, fosters irrational thought about our relationships, or isolates us from the very people who can help us.

Several kinds of fear wrecked our home. The fear of abandonment, the fear of pain (emotional and physical), the fear of failure, and the fear of social shame.

It was not loving.

Love is not oppressive. It isn't manipulative and controlling.

Instead, love fosters creativity, freedom of thought, safety and security to speak honestly (in a respectful manner) without fear of punishment. It is patient and it approaches others with grace and understanding. This is what my parents needed in their marriage. This is what our home needed as a whole. Instead, we all suffocated within the walls that were supposed to be our sanctuary and our family's place of safety.

Fear reigns when there isn't...

2. Humility and Honesty

Pride can lurk near environments of fear. It is often the very source of fear, or the root of what causes one to instill fear in others. Pride keeps us from being honest with ourselves and with others.

Pride kept certain members of my family from admitting their faults, while simultaneously keeping others from seeking community and processing with others; lest they be thought of as weak or stupid.

As a young adult, I still struggle with trust and with fear.

I fear I will be like my parents.

This is, in part, due to my parents pointing out my faults and manipulatively connecting these flaws to the other parent in an attempt to motivate change. This, of course, only made the whole of our family struggle much worse.

I wish I could have had the courage to speak my mind as a teen and had not lived on in fear. I wish I had been able to speak boldly what I knew was true and face the consequences of my actions with strength.

But sadly I was too deep in insecurity to know that I had what it took to stand up, to revolt.

The lack of humility and honesty was further cultivated by...

3. The Unhealthy Idolization of Family Ideals

I had a lot of pressure put on me to be happy and to be fully invested in a family that I didn't feel safe in. I often heard the phrase "if you can't trust family, you can't trust anyone" in response to my seeking external community and aid. This attempt to inspire me towards a family-centered worldview strongly influenced the way I approached the world.  

My desire to be free of the tension and stress and to build relationships elsewhere was met with shame and sought to keep me trapped within the social structure that bore down on my psyche and hindered my growth as an individual.

To compound these matters, I was often commanded to not share my pain. I was told "family issues stay within the family." This philosophy fosters fear in other areas of life: Fear of social reprimanding, fear of consequences, fear of dishonoring my parents, and fear of crossing boundaries.

I found myself believing that it was wrong to speak ill of anyone in my family, even if it was an attempt to process with a friend.

I was taught to have undying loyalty to family, even though it was family that was most disloyal to me of all of my relationships.

The bible does not center salvation around family, though it talks about families and family ideals. It does not permit that families behave as clichés nor as individualized communities. The gospel of Christ tears down these concepts and breaks the barriers between bloodlines.

It says we are all one family, one people under one King.

 "What happens in the family stays in the family" is false. It is a means of control that fosters fear and pride. We are bound and enslaved! The Church suffers far more disunity than the splitting of denominations, but in the separation of family units. Satan has masked a very serious threat as something that "God prioritizes." It is a subtle tactic that cut us off from meeting our true potential as a people unified under one Lord. Do not place trust and faith on family.

Place trust and faith on God.

This grim fairy tale has met its happy ending. Take my experiences and learn from these errors. Use them. Take the first steps to liberating your life where fear, pride, and false idols are enslaving you; preventing you from the healthy, fulfilling life that God wants you to live.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Until Morning

Loneliness hits when you least expect it sometimes. Like a sudden storm, it moves in and overtakes the skies; blocks out the sun...

I sometimes feel like a fraud at work, telling my kids that there is hope; telling them to keep going and to push through when I myself am at war with my heart to stay hopeful and to not give up.

Tonight I find myself in the midst of that familiar storm. I've weathered it before, but it still catches me off guard even after having experienced it so many times. 

It sucks. Sometimes it takes all you have just to not grow cold and to not succumb to it's power. My wicked heart demands relief. Temptation to look up porn, to fantasize, to wallow in my sorrows, to cycle through old thoughts of self-hatred. etc come creeping in. It's in moments like these when I feel like God isn't listening or that He doesn't care. I know it isn't true. My life has been proof of that, but the feeling is still there and it overrides my logic. 

I hide it from my students, but I too am insecure, hurting, lonely, and craving for love and purpose. 

I know that God will see me through. I know that God is here in this moment. I have had many moments, even recently, when He made Himself known to me and stepped in. He loves me. 

Loneliness is here for the night and she will will be my guest, but I know that she will not stay long. God will always come in to help me pick up the mess she left behind and help putting things in order again. 

"Sorrow will last for the night...but joy comes with the morning."

A Little Too Close to Home

About a month ago I was in my home town hanging out with an old friend from high school. We had gone off to see her new apartment and talk, but the time was going fast and I was obligated to return to my parents house in time for dinner. It was dark as we approached the house and we noticed a mass in the middle of the street ahead. We could make out the shapes of human beings moving around and the uncertain of what we were looking at made us very nervous. My initial thought was that there were thugs up to no good, as is sometimes the case. As we got closer, however, we realized that what were looking at was the bottom side of a sudan. The next thought, naturally, was of my parents and siblings, and I wondered if it was them. It was only after I saw my mom in the yard on the phone that I felt a measure of relief. Soon there after, the police arrived on the scene.

I ran to the lone vehicle as soon as we pulled to a stop. Confused as to how something like this might have happened, I fought back calculations and the desire to figure out the cause and sought to make sure the vehicle was empty and the passengers were safe. Thankfully, the couple in the vehicle made it out alive and, as far as I know, the yet-to-be-born child is still growing strong, but there is nothing like a car flipped over to set one to thinking about the fragility of life. I was incredibly frustrated by my inability to do more than look inside the vehicle. I would have gone to comfort the man and woman that survived the traumatic event, but I was prevented by my inability to speak Spanish.

To this day, I cannot conclude the how in their car being upside down, but I am able to recognize the severity of such an event and the reality that the couple are blessed to have walked away without major injury.

What made this even scarier was it being on the small street that marks the boundaries of my childhood home. Literally yards away from my driveway! Had I made it home 3 min soon er I might have witnessed the entirety of the event myself, or worse.

Life is too short to live in fear. Bad things happen in the most obscure places and no matter how much precaution one takes, there is always risk of injury or pain. This is true on an emotional level as much a physical one. While "living for the moment" is not a Biblical perspective of living, it is important to recognize the beauty of the present and appreciate every minute we are given.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Feeling the Tug

Ever since Spring of '10 I have been in love with travel. I enjoy seeing new places and being in cultures unfamiliar to me, and in the time of my college career I was blessed with many opportunities to go abroad and visit lands outside my own. I miss those opportunities, but have sought to make the most of what I have now here in my homeland, which I have missed and loved returning to. I found, however, that I can't escape the desire to travel and have new experiences. This, I believe, primarily comes out of having been changed and molded by my travels. I have seen greater change in my life and have been challenged by my surroundings and by people in my travels. I long for that again.

I believe that the time has come to begin actually doing something about my situation and my life, that I begin meeting new people and having adventures and new experiences. I have been incredibly blessed with gifts, talents, and desires, and even more so that I have become tied down by a relationship and, therefore, have no true responsibilities to anyone outside of paying off a few minor debts. This past year I have allowed myself to feel overwhelmed and enslaved by those said debts and by the expectations and beliefs of others, but that is an unhealthy and unreasonable way to live. I am free and should be living as such.

In my liberty to choose my life and my next steps, and trusting that God is guiding my will by the transformative work of His Spirit, I will do what is necessary to do what I desire to do and discover more of the world and of myself. I need to stop selling myself short and not being being the leader that I am just because of false self-talk and and because of I am putting myself down or letting people put me down or control me. It is unacceptable and dishonorable to God who made me who I am and has guided me through life to this point. He did not give me desires and gifts to be buried in the dirt, but instead to be used and invested in the world. In this I have failed greatly.

My soul screams out the pain of loss and realization, but also in joy that truth prevails and I can step out of my current situation stronger than ever and overcome the lingering shadows of sin and soul-enslavement. I have set boundaries on my life that diminish my ability to act and I have not set proper boundaries for humanity, and where I have set boundaries I have failed to defend them from intruders that barge through.

I have let time and opportunity slip by because of foolishness and bowing to the whims and perceived thoughts of others. I have feared humanity more than I have God and as a result I have become enslaved to humanity, to the philosophies and expectations of my parents, and to the broken culture that I dwell in. I am the one at fault. Through Christ who liberated me and gave me His Holy Spirit, I can break free of the darkness of my fears; I enjoy His creation and His presence forever and ever and go into the world.


Grace and peace,

Stephen

The Fourth

I have a unique collection of friends. One of my circles is summed up by three of my closest male friends, Matt, Myles, and Tiller. Each one has a different perspective of the world and Christian thought. One thing I like to brag about when speaking of my friends is their great intellect and vast stores of theological knowledge-each one containing a piece of puzzle.

Tiller-caught up in the beauty of historical theology and tradition-can talk for hours on the thoughts and practices of early church fathers, who are often neglected and forgotten by mainstream Protestantism and small Christian circles.

Matt-lover of systematic theology-searches for weaknesses in Theological paradigms and seeks to construct a theology that is logical, flows, and is consistent.

Myles-prodigy of the biblical languages-doesn't come to conclusion without first consulting the semantics of the ancient speakers of Greek and Hebrew. His theology is greatly shaped by wording and format of the ancient text that most of us miss because of our limitation to English.

Where do I fall into all this?

Me. It has often been pointed out to me that I live, move, and breathe within the realm of practical theology. I have often tried to be good at the other three forms that my friends bear, but this is a terrible injustice to them, to the world, and to myself. In trying to be the highly logical, historical, or philosophical theologian, I have neglect that which I am gifted in naturally.

I'm not saying that I cannot engage in the other three forms or that I am not good at them. I am logical and philosophical, but I have lost my focus and have been someone other than myself in an attempt to sound intelligent and to imitate others. I could think about the deep things of God, I can have all the best theological arguments, and I can teach every theological construct with clarity and simplicity, but if I don't have love and if I do not take action to push back the growing darkness then I am nothing and only making noise. If my studies don't lead to charity, compassion, excellence, and service I have ultimately failed and my thinking and reading have been in vain.

In terms of theology, logic, and knowledge I am the least among my three friends. I am the fourth. In terms of necessity and purpose I am in equality with them, and it is vital that I act upon my gifting and live out the person God has wired me to be, not letting fear, pride, and insecurity prevent me from honoring God in this way.

Grace and Peace. 

"Shall We Dance?"

Today I was disgustingly sick. Headache, weak, stopped up, cough deeply, and even threw up a couple times. Didn't want to eat, didn't want to move...it sucked. So I did what I always do when I feel like that. That's right, you guessed it. Brewed myself a hot drink and watched a chick flick. haha. Tonight I chose "Shall We Dance?" starring Richard Gere and Jennifer Lopez. I love this movie. Tonight, however, I didn't just enjoy it. I was MOVED by it.

No no, when I say "moved" I don't mean "oh man it was so sad it made me cry!" (Though I did do that too. Should God grace me with a wife I'm certain she will appreciate this attribute of mine. Just saying), but what I do mean is that I was challenged and I was inspired!

The movie contains two primary characters and about a half dozen secondary characters, and then about a half dozen characters that are a step below that. What we see in this movie is that the two primaries (John Clark and Paulina) are both facing a season of their lives in which they have lost direction and happiness. Their worlds collide, and through friendship (and dance) they go on a journey of self discovery and growth. Throughout the entire movie, you will see that there is character development taking place. Lives are changed.

The message is clear, don't sit on the sidelines of your life. Get up and go "dance"! Don't let fears get in the way and don't just get caught up in the mundane. Lastly it had a theme of "be yourself".

These are all significant themes for me. These are areas in which I struggle in life. I think a lot of times we hold ourselves back, either because of fear or because we let others rule our lives. They rule us through manipulation, lies, teaching, our own bitterness and unforgiveness, etc etc etc. We must learn to over come this. We must stop worrying about what others think about us and live out who God has made us to be. We do Him a severe injustice by not being the people that He has designed. I long for the change and growth that I saw take place in the movie. Even though the movie is not real, I think it bears truth and shows what can take place in real lives everywhere.

Peace be with you all,

Stephen