"Lord, in Your mercy hear my prayer..."

"Be careful what you pray for!"

I heard that often as a kid. "Be careful..." they warned.

If I prayed for patience I would get troubles. If I prayed for humility I would be faced with purging. If I prayed that God wouldn't take me to Africa as a missionary He was probably going to make me go out of penance for being so selfish and trying to control my life. Every virtue and good thing, even that which God wanted me to have, couldn't be asked for if I wanted to avoid punishment and/or tribulation.

As a kid, this is who I thought God was. In some ways, I'm still a kid.

The Only Exception

I have seen God answer my prayers for my friends, my students, and my staff. Even though I know for a fact that He has answered prayers from me for my own sake as well, and that He has shown great acts of love, I still fail to believe that He is willing to hear my requests.

I get caught up in the ridiculous notion that God has it out for me. That for some reason I have found it right and good in his eyes that I, apart from all others, should be targeted. This false theology keeps me from praying fully and honestly.

In this false worldview, my words are an open invitation for pain. I, therefore, spend a great deal of time analyzing every thought and every request before I dare present it in prayer.

"This sentence is dancing around the issue and manipulative, and therefore will be punished." "That request is way too self-serving; I'll definitely be met with poverty and destitution."

The god that I believe hears my prayers and responds sadistically and unlovingly is not the God that I have engaged with and served. The god that I think hears me is the false god produced out of the legalistic theology that I was brainwashed with as a child.

He is like the Norse god Loki rather than the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. That isn't Christ at all!

"What father, if his son asked for a fish, would give him a snake?"

Does God lead us to places we don't want to go? Sure, but He isn't sitting there listening to our prayers looking for ways to torment us or rob us of joy and happiness. He isn't analyzing every word and tallying up every sin that our words are rooted in.

He hears us and He sees us as we are and for who we are. His beloved creation. His children.

Yes, there is selfishness and there is pride in me and is sometimes comes out in my prayers, but God loves that I have personality and desires. He wants me to come to Him, as a child to his father; with love, with requests, and with the truth of the soul laid bare.

"Therefore, go boldly into the presence of God..." and do not go walking on eggshells and with the belief that God is a god of mischief.

He is teaching me who he truly is, and he is helping the child in me to come to terms with the truth.

He loves me and he loves it when I pray truthfully and full of desires. 

Faith. Hope. Love

I was recently writing a speech for one of my students who was graduating from the program that I work at and I was looking for just the right thing to share that reflected his time at Shelterwood. The word "story" echoed in my heart and I began constructing a verbal expression of who I saw in this young man; I reflected upon his story and the themes of his story. Sudden;y, I found myself thinking about my own story and the themes therein. I found something interesting about my life.

Year 12 was a landslide into depression and anger. I was searching for God with all I had and I was angry when I couldn't find him anywhere. Life didn't make sense. How could there be a God that loves me when I watched my sister run away and vanish out my life, my relationship with my brother dissipate into dust, my mom break down crying twice a week, or a dad that I thought I couldn't make happy? How could there be a God out there that let my nation fall into terror and dismay at the hands of heretical extremists?

"God where are you?! Prove to me you exist! Prove that You love me!!!"

At 15 I was thrust into a whole new world of ministry and community. It started with spontaneity, but not my own. No, not my own. I sat there on the back row of the chairs, visiting a youth group that I thought the same as any other. It was just another black hole for me. There was no hope left in my heart and I began asking "How might I die tonight?" A youth pastor whose name I did not yet know shattered the silent screams of my heart and said "You belong. I see you. I will teach you."

"God, I see you....but how can I keep going? How could life ever be ok? Why did you let me live???"

College rocked my world. It was where I met others of a similar difference, and it was there that I fell in love with life. Light shone everywhere and my heart began to beat stronger and stronger with each passing year. I found interests and learned the questions to ask. I felt the pain of disappoint aside the pride of knowing that at least I had tried. I found rejection and betrayal, and forgiveness became something that kept me going. I learned to reach out to people I disliked, and I learned to give more than I thought I could live without.

"Father of Lights, be my light...give me strength and make me an instrument of Thy peace. You gave me life, not let me go and give hope to others: to those that You love."

I moved and left my loves behind because I had to learn to love the "unlovable"...and I had to learn to love myself as much as I had learned to love others. In the giving of my time and energy I lost my works-based belief of self-value.

"Most Merciful God, You have been with me all my days and you have held me when I was weak. You helped me to stay strong and remain in You through super natural faith. When all hope seemed lost, You rushed to my side and lifted me up again and again! You built me up and gave me purpose and drive to go and BE! You have gifted me with a love for others that cannot be taught and You have taught me to love You. Now I seek to know the love You have for me that I might love myself honestly and healthily. I am amazed by You and Your workings in my life. Be with me still all my days and be my strength when I am weak, my faith when I'm in doubt, my hope in the midst of despair, and my love when betrayed and tempted to hate. Be my Everything. I don't feel like loving people right now because I'm tired and frustrated and feeling alone. So teach me to love. That seems to be the phase of life You have me in now. Teach me to Love."

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Dealing with Loneliness

Feeling alone is a frapped up way to live life, but it the reality that most of us face. Even the infamous introvert faces these moments of loneliness and need to find connection somewhere.

What do you do in those moments when you feel...down? Anxious? Alone? Unheard and misunderstood?

I think that I tried to make the solution to these issues too complicated. I thought there had to be something big and complex to overcome what I felt like the giant monster in my life. Makes sense right? The bigger the beast the bigger the gun to kill it with.

What if it isn't so complicated? What if our logic is more assumption than fact?

I think that this is an important lesson that God is teaching me right now.

First and foremost, lets get the Sunday school answer on out of the way! Christ is always with us. Reality. Fact. Another fact is that I will never fully grasp that. I can't see Him, and when things are "out of sight"...well, you know the saying. It isn't always enough to know He is present. Should it be? Ha, why you asking me?!

I think loneliness is a sign, like all emotions, that there is a "need" in our lives that isn't being met or that there is a wound that isn't healed.

Most of us have stuff that we aren't dealing with. We don't want to. I mean, why should I?! It hurts! But until I do, I will never experience the fullness of life and joy; the healthiness that God wants for me.

So how do I deal with loneliness?

SS Answer: Pray. This actually is a huge remedy for me! I was super lonely and attention-needy last night, and I knew it so I started praying: resisting the desire to go find fulfillment in others (thank God my phone was dead!). After some time I just looked up at the stars and said, "I know You're there but I can't always remember it. You don't make this easy. Help 'cause I can't do this. I don't want to be attention seeking. I want to give not take."

God met me where I was last night and I had some of the most honest processing and praying I've had in quite some time. Can't always get into the mode though.

Sometimes you just need to find a friend. We were meant to be in community with others, so don't be afraid to rely on them! God is enough. God is all you need. You also need people. Paradox? Yes, but God is Lord over paradox. He is all we need and He made us to need people.

Sometimes you need to disconnect and go read a book. Use your imagination, exercise, draw, build, play a game, etc. Go have some fun. Something you enjoy. Something simple. Go find something to make you feel accomplished and productive.

I'm still learning how to deal with this stuff. Depression rears it's ugly head here and there. Loneliness creeps in. I can't sit by and expect it to just leave. I have to tell it to go, and then I have to fill that empty and cleaned out house with something beautiful and life-giving.

If you are lonely, I pray that God grants you peace and reveals His love of you to you that might find value in yourself. I pray that you find healing from whatever happened to you and are able to forgive the man (let's just face it...it's more likely a male) that hurt you. I pray that God put good, loving friends in your life who can be honest and can be compassionate towards you.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Asking For Help

Help.

God knows I need it!

I began reading through a book by the incredible author Anne Lamott titled, "Help Thanks Wow: Three Essential Prayers" and OH MY WOW!

I didn't realize how badly I needed help, but even more importantly I didn't realize how afraid I was to ask for it.

I knew that I wasn't good at asking humans for help. Naturally I would struggle to ask the sentient beings of my own nature for help, but I'm also really bad at asking God for help. I keep a pretty long check list of prerequisites for a prayer to be acceptable, and not all of them are realistic. In fact it's legalistic. Always afraid of praying an "unholy prayer" I move into a place where I am not genuine about how I feel, what I believe, or what I really want.

That's not good for a relationship with fleshies....so why would I think it acceptable with God?

So here I say "HELP!' I can't do this on my own. I'm never alone but I too often give in to that lie that I am.

I love God, but I don't love God nearly as I should. In truth I often don't trust Him or believe that He cares. I may not doubt His existence, but His character? On the daily.

So thank you Ms. Lamott for your honesty and for reminding me of the importance of being honest in prayer. Thanks for the reminder to ask for help and to ask for one's own desires. May the King of Suns fill your life with light and air and give you peace.

And here is my prayer: Father of Light be my light. Make me Peace and forgive me of my anxiety and selfishness. Forgive me Merciful One for not being honest with You. Help me because I don't trust You. Help me because my life seems threatening and overwhelming. Help me because I often hate myself and feel like I can't change. Help me because I'm afraid of the change that I feel that I can't make. Please be kind to me in failures and discipline me to greater character and greater love. Help me to fail beautifully and to learn from my missteps.

Truly Yours,

Stephen D Green II

BE Wise

I ask for wisdom often. I mean OFTEN! I always want to be able to give others the absolute best advice and I want to be able to pass good judgment on any given situation that I walk into, but I never think of wisdom as being beneficial to ME.

I do not mean that I don't ask for advice, but instead that I never ask for wisdom to be able to live healthier myself. I always think of wisdom as being something you have for the benefit of those around you, but in thinking that way I ultimately neglect my own needs.

What I am doing is asking for wise words, but not to actually be wise.

To be wise is far more complex than being able to give advice. It living it out. I may give wisdom form time to time, but anyone who looks at how I take care of myself and say that I am not a very wise person at all.

So when you pray, pray to "be wise" rather than to "have wisdom." Don't pray to have light...pray to BE light!

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

To Love and Learn

Lately I have been reading a great deal recently about the monastic life; I have been reading and meditating on writings from monks that have long passed from this Earth, but whose words have not. There is much left for me to read and great deal more to meditate on, but thus far I have found inspiration and significance in the writings of these phenomenal men and women who displayed such incredible devotion.

In the tradition of my youth, I was not encouraged to explore the writings and teachings of our spiritual forefathers, at least not the ones who came before the holiness movement. Anything that took place between the penning of Paul's letters and the mid-1800's was left unmentioned, unquoted, and unappreciated. It wasn't until college that I began to understand the importance and value of these unexplored works. 

I am not saying that everything written by the ancients was pure gold. Some of what was written is a bit far-fetched or twisted, but they are still worth our attention and time. Today I'm reading through a book called The Love of Learning and the Desire for God, which is a beautiful piece on monastic culture. 

One thing that struck me in the book was that there were aspects of the monastic life that I experienced in my years as a member of Pentecostal congregation. Throughout my years as a Pentecostal there was a focus on the celestial and heavenly realms, a strong theology of work and action, and a continual push for devotion to God. I was highly encouraged to continuous, daily prayer and worshipful action. The difference between the philosophies that I was taught and the monastics come down to the practical application and a distinct difference in their theology of learning. 

When I say "theology of work" I am not speaking of work ethic or vocation, though it does have some implication to both. I'm referring to the interpretation of, and response to, the words of James who said that "faith without works is dead." There are those that focus on charity as the means of working out their faith, while others vocally "declare victory over their lives," and others spend hours in prayer and meditation. The list goes on. Let's just look at the monastics and the Pentecostals. 

The monks expressed this in a very practical sense through praying the offices together at preset times and living in a state of intentional community and communal labor. Through the work of their hands to plow the ground, the work of their minds to study and contemplate, and the work of their hearts to discipline themselves to prayer and self-sacrifice, they live out their faith.

The Penties are not so different in theology. It is also strange that a group of people who are often the most critical of the Roman Catholic Church are actually the closest concerning the Holy Spirit's role in the life of the Christian!

Pentecostals often have a firm grasp on the need for daily and continual prayer, though in application it varies. They do not set times and do not follow a structure or order for prayer, and this comes out of a belief that prayer should take more effort than just the devotion of one's time and thoughts, but also the laboring of words. Thus many hours of my time in prayer where spent in silence and emptiness from lack of words to express my prayers, while many hours still where spent trying to formulate elegant words and in reflection of what I was saying. In this, the Pentecostal would greatly benefit from the structure of the offices as well as the carefully developed prayers found in the Book of Common Prayer, but at the same time the monastics would greatly benefit from the freer and self-expressive prayers of the Pentecostal found weeping face down on the floor. 

The two share deep devotion, and there are those who are misled in both groups. Everyone is broken, and sin works its way in to any crevice it can find. Because of this, we find brokenness in both groups and the disconnect between them. If we were to adopt aspects from both sides of the spectrum, however, we would find that the monastics would be even more effective in their ministry to the world, and the Pentecostals would be able to engage their world in greater measure, as well as be more fully integrated into the body of Christ. Perhaps rest of Christianity can then give more applause rather than shaking their heads in embarrassment, and maybe Penties can work along side their brothers and sisters without being looked down upon as the red-headed step child of theology and practice.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

"Lord, Make Me Peace..."

I was driving home from work after a long day of dealing with corporate visitors, straightening clothes, and absolute boredom! I was exhausted and my mind was heavy with the many aspects of life that are difficult, troubling, and heavy on my heart. Thought after thought rolled through my mind and then I finally rested on the relieving reality that in merely a week I will be with my friends spending a week in Savannah, GA! I was filled with excitement over the soon coming vacation!

As I was thinking about the trip, my thoughts turned to my friends' newly born son, Edmund and I thought of the crying baby and, for some reason, I welcomed the idea of being kept awake because of a little crying baby. Weird right?! As I daydreamed of this possible event, I imagined that I was able to calm the weeping lad and that was the point of contact for the Spirit to plant a renewed desire in my heart! Peace: to have peace, to give peace, and to be made into peace!

My mind was immediately filled with the words of St. Francis and longed to be a wellspring of peace.

The world isn't full of peace these days. we are surrounded with discussions of war and revolt. Chaos fills our work spaces, family encounters, and our troubled psyches. Something that we lack, and severely need, is peace. In Christ, I should be striving to be an instrument of peace in the world. We are called to be peacemakers; centers of calm in the storms of life. It is sad that, even though we have the Holy Spirit dwelling within us, we are not often very peace-giving or peace-making.

I recognize the horrible truth that I myself am often a bringer of chaos; I often let my mind fall into chaos in the midst of undesirable situations rather than yielding myself to the Spirit's work in me. Instead of disciplining my mind I let my heart grow impatient and even cold towards others, rather than stepping in with the strength and wisdom of God to put an end to the wars raging around me. This is not a holy way to live and is not honoring to God.

Sin dwells within our hearts. It is the cancer of our souls; the broken aspect of our humanity. It is my sin that separates me from God and it is my tainted human nature that stirs my heart to malice, selfishness, and unholistic living and thinking. I am on this journey of redemption and healing, but I have a long way to go before I reach before I get to where God really wants me to be. He is walking with me through this and as He and I engage in this divine romance I am being made more and more like Him. That is what I experienced today in my car. A moment of with God in which He spoke softly to me and told me that He wanted me to be something different; revealing a part of me that has all but evaded my sight. In the midst of this revelation all I could say was, "Lord, make me peace..."

In this Lenten season, let us seek to be men and women of peace. Let us become instruments of peace for the world, and let's start where it often the most difficult-right in our own homes and relationships.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Ridin' Solo

It is no secret to those who know me that at this time in my life I am making little to no effort to enter into a "serious relationship". This is due to my current financial, spiritual, and all around life status. What most people don't know is that I have been prayerfully considering taking vows of eternal singleness. This is not something that I take lightly or would advise people doing on a whim. to take such a vow must be done with
the realization that breaking it would be detrimental to one's health (and soul) but also is an incredibly

honorable sacrifice to God. One must know their reasons for doing so and be certain that God has not called them to life of marriage. It is a decision that must be made in community and with mentor ship and patience.

That said, I have found that through discussions and seeking advice from friends and mentors, that I do not believe that I am called to singleness. In the very least I will not be taking my vows and I will be keeping an eye open for possibilities. Given that so few people in my life knew that I was considering this, I have found it interesting how several people have come to me to talk about their wrestling with the subject themselves; expressing their contemplation of permanent celibacy.

What exactly does it look like to be a celibate? Let's break this down a little bit. First and foremost, I would advise asking a monk or nun to share their experience in the matter. After all, they most likely are able to describe that life style more than most.

To give up sex is to give up marriage and (this will surprise some people) to give up marriage is to give up sex. Biblically the two coincide. You aren't supposed to have one without the other.

Giving these up means...well, no children. There is an exception to this. There is a young woman in Africa by the name of Katie who has adopted over a dozen children and single handedly is raising those kids. However, you can say goodbye to blood-related children or continuing you're bloodline (which isn't as biog a deal within the context of Christianity).

Altered social life. No double dates. No dates. Life priorities and focus change. Less responsibilities to handle at home, and freedom to go and do stuff at the drop of the hat. Greater risks can be taken, and as a result I would argue that with the loss of home-responsibilities, their is an increase of responsibility outside of one's home and to the church. Having more free time and less priorities doesn't mean you can waste time and resources, it simply means you re direct that time and resources to other areas. This is an area that I am currently not doing well. I am single and I have plenty of free time due to only having a part-time job, and yet I waste so much time and accomplish little more than I would if I had a full-time job.

It is difficult and yet honorable to make such a decision. It is a great testament to people, an inspiration to other believers, and a challenging sacrifice for the self that, I believe, God sees and rewards. However, God also loves marriage. After all, He is the one who established marriage and created the concept of sex and family. To be married is to demonstrate the beautiful union of Christ and Church, as well as greater display the Image of God in us.

I'm going to rabbit trail for a moment. God designed us for intimacy, marriage, parenthood, and sexual union with opposite genders. It is deeply apart of who we are, and is it any wonder why this area of our lives has been so greatly distorted by sin and by the Church? Sexuality is an aspect of humanity that is so greatly misunderstood and misused worldwide and faith-wide. In the Church's desire to bring humanity back into right living and to try and correct the false use of sex, She has often gone to extremes. She either has either made the topic taboo and uneasy to talk about or taught about it with such negativity that people walk away believing that even sex INSIDE of marriage is sinful and disgraceful.

Sadly, much of the Church of late has swung the opposite direction in Her desire to please people and get people in the doors, but this is an affront to the gospel and is false doctrine.

Back to the topic at hand.Too many people are making this decision based off of fear. Fear of commitment and being in a relationship. Fear of being hurt (again) by someone and as a result they throw away all hope of being in a relationship. They fear their abilities to be good parents, or to be a good spouse. These are not good reasons. Instead of shrinking away, use those fears to drive you to be a better person.

Some don't want the responsibility of being a parent or spouse, to which I say you don't deserve marriage and even more importantly, you don't deserve to have sex. Sex is not to be done in such complete selfishness. Sex is for holding marriages together and starting families, not solely for one's self pleasure and entertainment.  If you don't want to bear the responsibility of raising children, don't have sex. If you don't want to care for another person or think of someone other than yourself...then you should consider taking those vows.

For those like me who are currently single, hear me out. Enjoy singleness and don't make rash decisions for or against marriage. Live life as honorable and godly as possible. Pray and seek God and He will direct you to where He wants you to be. Realize that marriage and sex are gifts of God and not shameful or sinful. Pray for the life of the Church and the world that this area of our lives might be brought into submission under our Christ and healing maybe done in us and in others.

Grace and Peace

The Life of Clay

Isaiah 45:9-19English Standard Version Anglicised (ESVUK)9 “Woe to him who strives with him who formed him,    a pot among earthen pots!Does the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’    or ‘Your work has no handles’?10 Woe to him who says to a father, ‘What are you begetting?’    or to a woman, ‘With what are you in labour?’”11 Thus says the Lord,    the Holy One of Israel, and the one who formed him:“Ask me of things to come;    will you command me concerning my children and the work of my hands?[a]12 I made the earth    and created man on it;it was my hands that stretched out the heavens,    and I commanded all their host.13 I have stirred him up in righteousness,    and I will make all his ways level;he shall build my city    and set my exiles free,not for price or reward,”    says the Lord of hosts.

Recently, I was praying about life and, essentially, complaining to God that everything in my life was wrong. I was, more or less, accusing Him of all that has befallen me and the various aspects of reality that I have had to endure. Truthfully, I have done this for quite some time. It is so easy to begin complaining. It is one thing to share with God what you are going through, but there is a thin lines that separates the prayer said in broken honest and the prayer spoken in bitterness and accusation.

During this same time of prayer I was struck with the memory of the verse stated above. It was then that I was hit with conviction. Recently I was asked "What is [my] relationship with Christ?", to which I was a little insulted and wanted to respond with "He is my God and I am His creation." In my patience I refrained from stating so, but the thought continued to echo in my mind. He is God...and I am His creation. God brought this thought back into my mind as I was praying and combined it with the memory of the words of Isaiah. In the moment I got a divine slap in the face and a fist full of humility. It is not my place to accuse God or to Question His actions in my life. My job is simple: Love Him and love people.

I am to live life and not ask God "why are you doing this to me?" with any other attitude than one of humility and a desire to know the heart of God. So for now, my goal is stop asking "why?" and let Him fashion me. To go and live my life, trusting that He is going to direct my paths.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths" --Proverbs 3:5-6

Grace and Peace,

Stephen 

"Saintly" Convictions

A few nights ago I found myself lying on my living room couch feeling rather sorry for myself. The reasons many would consider perfectly legit reasons to be sad or upset, but I've been sad and upset over these for quite some time and I was finally reaching the level of "wallowing in self-pity." I started walking around the room, and then noticed a picture of St. Francis on my table. I flipped it over and discovered the following prayer:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury,pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

I was struck by the words of St. Francis, and found myself convicted by the Holy Spirit concerning my attitude towards life. In the midst of all that I was going through, I allowed myself to become self-centered, as well as self righteous. I hate it when people who are going through a hard time and start talking about Job, but here we go! 

It seems that I am no where near as strong willed as Job was. He endured far more than I can even imagine before falling to self pity, and yet here I am already at that point when I haven't lost a single family member, nor have I lost vast amounts of wealth, and my friends aren't shoving bad theology down my throat-they are shoving theology down my throat...but not bad theology lol. 

In the midst of my weakness, however, God gave me strength and renewed me. Just to make things even better, God-in a great use of irony- takes the man that denied all luxury and gave away his vast riches for the sake of Christ to accomplish something in my life. 

 I had recently been praying that I would learn from testimonies and examples of the Church Fathers and grow in understanding through the actions and teaching of the ancient saints, and God stepped in and did just that. I pray that He continues to teach me and give me strength, for soon I will fail again and crumble under the weight of life's difficulties. 

Peace be with you,

Stephen