The wind whistled with a morbid fury over the hood of the car as it cruised down HWY 6. A cacophony of thoughts invaded Jacob's mind as he reflected on the events that had taken place that day.
Suddenly he let out a scream: "Why?!" he yelled. "Why, are You doing this to me, God?! Why did you create me just to make me miserable; to just take everything away from me?!"
Silence.
He began to cry. Then a familiar voice echoed in his head and spoke the words of revelation:
you are going to die...
Jacob KNEW his death was near...but how would God do it though? How would He ensure Jacob's demise?
Bullets riddling his body as a local gang shooting him out of impulsiveness and desire for blood? Meteors falling from the sky and bringing the tri-state area crumbing to it's knees? Kim Jong releasing his fury upon the United States and the whole western hemisphere collapsing under the weight of nuclear fallout? Then, as raindrops began to build up on the windshield, his face lit up with the illumination of understanding. "That's it!", he thought to himself.
He could see it in his mind so clearly. The car swerving and swaying in the wind and the tires struggling to keep their grip on the road. The weather conditions were perfect for God's inevitable move to end Jacob's life! His car would spin out of control and into the side of the bridge. He would let out a scream as the water below sped towards him, and right as the water approached his car he would close his eyes and accept his fate. Then at the point of impact the airbags...
...deployed, the world began to spin, and Jacob watched the world fade into blackness.
***
A young woman stared at the floor as she sat in the cold waiting room. An old man approached.
"Zoe Johnson?" He said with a crisp, authoritative voice.
She scrambled to her feet, nearly tripping in the process. "Ye-yes, that's me!"
"Hello, my name is Dr. Theo DeVertas. I am one of the surgeons here at St. Benedict's. I am very sorry to tell you this ma'am, but there was nothing we could do. By the time we arrived he was already gone."
"What happened?" asked the young woman with as much strength as she could muster. The doctor stared at her for a moment and searched for words to convey the truth with as much sensitivity as possible. "We aren't really sure as to how it happened," he said. "We thought that maybe he had fallen asleep at the wheel and simply ran off the road, but witnesses report seeing him wide eyed; even looking a bit crazed as he sped past them. I'm sorry to have to tell you this miss, but...but it looks like he may have taken his life by his own hand..."
Zoe couldn't hold back the tears any longer. "I can't believe he would just...I wouldn't have left him if I had..."
"No, no," responded the old surgeon, "Don't be hard on yourself. He chose death. You left him because you had to for your own health."
" What if I had just sacrificed a little more? What if I could have stopped it?! What if...what if I had told him I loved him instead of 'goodbye?'"
"Do you think he would have believed you?"
"No..." she said, gathering her composure and wiping away the tears that flooded her cheeks. "No I don't think he would. No matter how much I tried to show it he always said that I didn't really mean it; that I would leave him. I guess he was right after all..."
"Sounds to me like he brought that upon himself." Replied the doctor. Then, with a flash of wisdom in his eyes he said, "No...you didn't leave him. It sounds to me like he never really let himself have you to begin with."
***
Zoe stared down at the water below. She had driven across this bridge many times, but it never stood out to her as significant until tonight. The waters below her tossed and churned in the wind, beckoning her to come and be one with the river. She thought about her late husband and upon the words of the surgeon.
Guilt and shame came upon her in waves as memories of the argument filled her mind. What the surgeon said was right. She had left for her own health, and in honest for the health of her husband as well. She felt hopeless, and she knew that he had driven her to that, and her hopelessness only continued to further their struggle.
Zoe reflected on all the words that he had spoken concerning the job he would lose, the separation and breaking of their vows, and about him dying as a young man: alone and in despair. She had hoped that time away would help them both to deal with the brokenness of their relationship and that, eventually, they would heal and they would one day be reconciled. She wanted to show him the truth...but now it was too late.
She screamed out in anger, "Why did you have to go and leave me?! I needed you!"
Silence.
She felt it deep in her bones: hopelessness. She heard the voice screaming in the back of her mind "Jump! Jump! Jump!"
She looked up to heaven and said, "God...forgive me."
Then turning her attention again to the torrent below she said, "Jacob...I love you with all my heart. I'm sorry for the pain I caused you and for not being strong enough; for being so dead inside for so long. Today, I choose life. Today, I choose to live for the both of us."
Then she turned her attention back to the road ahead, and just kept walking.
"God is in the rain."
The rainbow remained etched in my mind as I took in the chaos around me and I remember His promise. I saw Him even in the chaos. I saw Him touching my impatient heart and drawing me to trust Him and just rest as we slowly worked our way through the darkness.
