The Art of Self-Care

One of the biggest challenges I face in life, even as a house parent in an therapeutic boarding school, is self-care. It has been my greatest downfall for many a year and I have suffered the harshness of life in greater measure because of this unfortunate truth. 

My parents SUCKED at self-care, so naturally I wasn't going to learn it from them. My pastors growing up had no concept of it, Hollywood distorts it more than the news distort racial discrimination (Too soon?), and the first time I ever really heard any teaching on it (let alone actually seeing it done) was in college. 

Working at a job that demands the majority of your week, and the nearly all of your sanity, I have had to do some learning in the area of slef-care. After 6 months of this, however, I am still learning how to do it right! 

Here is what I've learned so far:

1) You are the ONLY one responsible for insuring your own health. You  can ask for help and recieve aid, but ultimately it comes down to you. If youur job is preventing that, tell them. They can't help you unless you  make it known. They won't help? Look for a new job. Environment affecting your ability to do this? Change it. You  will not get the care you need unless you take the intitive to get it.

2) Search out what helps you. Humanity is diverse and so is self-care. We each have our own goals, desires, triggers, energy-providers, etc and therefore we each have different needs for health and well-being. There are some basics that help everyone like getting involved in a physical activity, eating healthy, and getting sleep, but the details of each of those is where we begin to express our indiviualty. 

Furthermore, our personailties and temperments have a major say in how we send our time and what activities give us energy. For example, I need quiet time and relaxation. i need calm people and deeper, more intimate conversation from people I love and trust. A dear friend of mine often turns to dancing, talking to randomm strangers, and general goofiness his means of unwinding and re-energizing. 

Neither are wrong. Just different.

3) Set proper boundaries. This is something I really frappin' suck at!!! Saying no to people that I know will not provide me the enrionment i need for self-care, spending too much of my off time with my kids, doing hospital and airport runs on my off time, etc.  These are ways that I fail to set boundaries for myself and thus set myself up for exhaustion and a rough week. Boundaries are an important part of life and society. Without them we run the risk of being used, manipulated, and having the life sucked right out of us (speakign form experience!). While establishing boundaries isn't an easy task, it is definitely one fo the most important ones. 

So there are some of my thoughts on the ambigious, challenging, and esstial topic of self-care!

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Simply "Just"

I have noticed a pattern in my thinking when it comes to my thinking about life and in my practice of self-examination. Whenever I have a problem and I am trying to work out a reasoning or solution, I have consistently used the word "just" in my statements. I will saying thing like 'Oh, it's just _____" or "I'm just being _____" or "I need to just do _____ and everything is fine." I consistently give in the temptation to over simplify by saying "just".

The issue of my word usage goes a step further. In my usage of the unjustly used word "just" I not only just simplify the issue at hand, but also diminish it's importance or significance! This is hindrance to my problem solving as it very deceptive in nature. The question I must now ask is, in what other ways have I done this? In what ways have a over simplified or diminished the importance of? Sadly, I think there are many ways that I have done this. Even more so, I think I'm seeing this pattern in American culture, and even in the Church. 

We see this flaw in a lot of the "soul care" that is performed by many of our pastors. Many telling those under their care that they "just need to pray and read their Bibles" or that "it's just a sin issue" and they "just need to repent of that sin", while many times there is a much deeper need that isn't being met. Our families even fall prey to this dark reality in the way parents might address family issues and in training their children. 

We must be careful not to allow ourselves to underestimate the significance of the difficulties and temptation we face, not that which our friends and family members face as well. To not give proper attention and energy to a matter is an injustice, and even sinful, way of treating ourselves and others. Additionally, we must recognize that solutions are rarely ever simple. They are almost always complex and will take time to overcome or solve, if either is ever actually achieved at all. It is a part of the incredible, multifaceted journey to sanctification and wholeness that we all must undertake as followers of the Christ. 

As ministers of the souls of humanity, let us strive not to look down upon the struggles and difficulties of our brothers and sisters, but instead let us hold them with grace; bearing the patience and grace to listen, and to listen well. Lives are at stake; souls that need wholeness and the Light of Christ. 

Simplicity has it's place and it's beauty. Simplicity is real and even needed, but the we must not lose truth and logic in our desire to simplify. It is nice to think that solutions are easy and can be quickly conjured, but if we allow ourselves to think this way then we hinder our healing and restoration as well as the healing an restoration of others. Recognizing that wholeness is often a difficult and complex journey is important for us to accept if we are to carry on and endure the hardship; to resist the weight of discouragement and the sorrow of slow progress. 

I pray that we may all grow to help others and to give ourselves in love, and listen with sincerity and intent to those around us who also suffer from the darkness of sin and it's consequences. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Of Knowledge and Understanding

When I was a freshman in college I took a class called "Intro to Christian Ministry". The end of the semester had come and it was time for the dreaded final; we all gathered early in the class room to do some last-minute studying before we through ourselves into the winds of fate. All of us, that is, except one. For the sake of kindness and protection of identity we shall refer to him as "Jay".

Jay had a knack for Bible knowledge. He had trivia and facts down...but that was about it. He knew the stories and where various passages could be found, but when it came to application and deeper understanding of scripture he was found lacking. Additionally, he was academically lazy. He preferred to play video games than to study, and it definitely showed when it came down to presentations and quizzes. 

But this was IT, the final that would make or break it for most of us. It wasn't just any final either...it was a "Randle final"! Despite the fact that he was about to take a test worth of fear and utter terror, Jay proceeded to voice his opinions out loud and complain about how the "test is ridiculous" and that "we should be tested on Bible knowledge and on scriptures". After a lengthy exposure to this my friend Nick finally spoke up. Nick put a swift and timely end to Jay's rambling on about what the test "should" be about and told him that the class was not about Bible stories and scriptures but instead about Ministry and the application of the scriptures. Nick told him to be quiet so that the rest of us could study for what the test was actually about. Needless to say...Jay didn't do so well on the test. 

When I think back to that memory it brings a smile to my face every time! It also reminds me that it is one thing to have knowledge and another thing entirely to have understanding. Many neglect the importance of study and intellectual pursuit, thereby handing themselves over to the consequences of ignorance. It is not possible to know everything and our ability to understand will always be limited, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. Jay was satisfied with his knowledge and did not open himself up to the teachings that our professor offered, and as a result he was ill equipped, not only for the test, but also for future ministry.  Jay ended up dropping out for poor grades and the like. 

That event also sticks out to me because of my friend Nick's reaction. Nick is an inspiration because he was willing to speak out against something that needed to be addressed, but he did it in a respectful and gracious way. Nick is making a difference in the lives of many because he refused to be satisfied with his knowledge and sought understanding. Nick is currently living with his wife in New Orleans, LA working to get his M. Div. and serving as an assist pastor.

Understanding of scripture isn't the only thing we need. The fact of the matter is that there are hundreds of topics that we neglect to seeking understanding in and remain satisfied with what we already know. Even worse is that we treat people like this! There are thousands of opportunities that Christ gives us to serve and make a difference, but we often miss them because we fail to be understanding of one another. People need grace, mercy, and love. Others need to be told to shut up and let the rest of us study for the test they don't want to take. The ability to properly choose the corresponding action that best fits requires us to have at least a measure of understanding.

For example, I had a friend call me the other day who gave me quite the lecture and called me out on my actions/inactions. He was able to do this because he did it in understanding. He has come to know me, but he sought to understand and from there he made a judgment call that led him to say what he did. He gave me the words that, even though less than pleasant, were what I needed to hear and motivated me. It also reminded me that there are people out there who really do care. Haha, enough to even be rough with ya. 

May we all learn to seek understanding, not only of scripture, but also in each other so that we may better serve each other. 

Peace be with you,

Stephen

Voices: What Does it Mean to be Called?

Today I was reading the book "The Writing Life" by Annie Dillard while drinking coffee at the local Barnes and Nobles. I was struck by Dillard's description what life is like as a writer; moved by her dramatic, metaphorical explanations of "the writing life".

It has been a stark reality of late that nearly everything I read or encounter in my day-to-day life leads me to question my understanding of "callings" and what that implies for my life. It is undeniable ( at least from my observation  that Ms. Dillard is called to be a writer. In seeing her calling, I am compelled to question my own.

While the use of the word "calling" is generally a religious one, it is not a topic that is overlooked by the unbeliever or the pagan worshiper. Christianity has coined the term, even among those who do not hold to a high view of sovereignty. Growing up in the Church, I often heard statements like " have you received the calling?", "How do you know if you are called?", or "What do you believe God is calling you to?"

If you think about it, everyone questions calling. Even if you don't believe in God-it still holds true that there is "calling". Often people ask the following questions (which I believe to be intimately related to the subject of calling): "Who am I?", What do I enjoy?", "What makes me happy?", What is my purpose?", "What am I good at?", "What am I terrible at?", or even "Why is my life the way that it is?"

These are fundamental questions of discovering one's self and figuring out what one's desires to do with his or her life. I believe that they are deeply and strongly connected to this sense of "calling" that is imprinted on our souls.

I could write a whole thesis paper on the topic of calling and ask a thousand philosophical questions on the matter due to how complex this topic real is.

Instead...let me share just a few of the thoughts that came to me as I drank my coffee this morning.

How do we view calling? Do we limit it to Church work and the priesthood? Or do we understand calling in a much more profound way? If we limit "calling" to ministry  then are we not undermining God and His interactions with humanity? Additionally, are we not giving Church leadership an unhealthy elevation and setting ourselves up for disappointment? Many have been given the hearts and skills to lead and minister to people. They are servants of others, not people to be elevated. (A philosophy that I believe is well portrayed in the Anglican tradition specifically, and hopefully will one day be among others as well *cough cough Catholic cough*)

If you had asked me earlier today to explain calling I might have given the following statement:

"The difference between the uncalled blacksmith and the called blacksmith is this. The uncalled smith works hard in misery through blood, sweat, and tears to form and create tools for people so that he can receive money to purchase his wants and desires. The called smith toils and works hard in misery through blood, sweat, and tears for the sheer joy of taking the unshaped Earth, feeling the heat of the furnace as he manipulates the formerly unusable material into something of purpose, whether it be forming tools of beauty or weapons of war. He does not do it for the money, though he will glad receive it to continue doing his desired task, but he will sacrifice for it and pour a little bit of his soul into every thing he makes. Even if he incites angry and/or hatred of his loved ones for not working a field that brings about a more luxurious lifestyle."

I believe that this statement is still true...however, I must rethink my understanding of calling and ask "is there more than one kind of calling in life?" I believe the answer is yes. The is the understanding of calling that implies that one has been give skills, gifts, and talents for the purpose of vocation and purpose for life.


Is calling something that is always enjoyed? No

Is calling always vocational? No

Does everyone have a calling? Yes

Does everyone discover their calling? Yes, but not necessarily before departure from the physical world.


There is, however, another aspect of calling. You are called to be where you are now. Don't believe me? Are you saying that Moses wasn't called to be in the desert before being sent back to Pharaoh? Why? Did God not lead him to his future Father-in-law who would one day help him organize the government for Israel? Did God not lead him to brokenness to be used as a leader? Is not God choosing your family and your time of birth not enough to say that you are where you are because you are called to be there? It used to be understood that your calling was to do the trade that the family you were born to did. Very few did otherwise, and those who did were either in the military or joined the priesthood.

I'm not saying that God ordains every action or movement...I'm saying that God has called humanity to be holy and to be :Christian"; to love God and to love our neighbors as ourselves.We who are born into the 21st century are lost in a world of choices and "freedom" to do what we want, but in the midst of it we often miss our calling as members of humanity and Christiandom because we fret over whether we are called our not and look for signs in the stars or for miracles to tell us our fate. Often we even are filled with fear over what our "calling" might be. Was anyone called  to Africa that did not desire to go? God made people in such away that they would desire Hid glory be spread to the far reaches of the world and they went and Africa and Asia became the callings of many.

He gave us desires, gifts, abilities, and His duel command of love...now go in your free will to do the things that he has sovereignly made possible for you to do. That is your calling is it not? Go to love and serve God by worshiping Him and enjoying His creation; loving others in such  a way that it is undeniable that Christ lives within you.

Peace be with you,

Stephen