Dealing With Compassion Fatigue and Second-hand Trauma

I'm exhausted. My friends know it. I know it. I am pretty sure my staff know it.

                     I

                                         Am

Tired. 

I've been doin' this residental thing for quite some time now and It's been taxing my energy since day one. I'm not sure when, but at some point I found that the very thing that gave me drive suddenly became my enemy: compassion. 

I have often heard the term "compassion fatigue" throughout my year as a Mentor/Big Brother but it never seemed to quite fit with what I was going through. At least, not until recently. 

This morning I had a new term added to my residential vocabulary. That term would be "second-hand trauma." UGH!!! That hit me like Batman blocking a Superman punch! 

Second-hand trauma works very much like second-hand smoking. You may not be the one with the cigarette, but it still gets in your lungs if you're present. You may not have been the one experiencing the trauma, but through exposure to the traumatized individual and their radiating pain you too begin to experience the pain of the trauma. I can more than easily say that I have personally added traumatization to my life through my exposure of multiple traumatized students (and staff). The more I pour myself out for them and the more time I spend getting close to them, the more I am exposed to that smoke. 

The terms "compassion fatigue" and "second-hand trauma" are completely related. It is the combination of the two that causes my bones to ache and my eyes to sit heavy in their sockets. Fill up, turn, pour, empty, sleep, repeat. This is the cycle of most in ministry, and so very much so for those in my line of work.

Maybe you understand that. Maybe you have been in ministry (or maybe you have a a dysfunctional family that you keep fighting to love) and you keep giving and giving to those who seem utterly ungrateful for your; you are surrounded by the weight of others with all their their trauma, poor choices, and pain.  Fill up, turn, pour, empty, sleep, repeat. It get's old after a while. And chances are that you aren't doing the whole "fill up" part very well. 

 Isn't compassion one of the key elements of being a Christian? How can it be taxing and leaving me dry? How do you keep going when you feel like you can't anymore?

" I know I'm filled to be emptied again. The seed I receive, I will sow..."

 -Hillsong                                 

Being filled and emptied is a natural cycle of ministry, but that doesn't make it easy. It also doesn't mean that you are supposed to never stop and rest. Compassion is beautiful, but like everything else in our lives it has it's limitations. Here are some important things that I've learned about dealing with compassion fatigue and second-hand trauma. 

Recognize and acknowledge. I say both together because both are essential. Identifying the issue in your heart and being willing to acknowledge it are both necessary to do the work needed to achieve rest and healing. Ignoring a wound leads to infection, not healing. 

Give yourself grace to hurt. There is nothing wrong with being in need of rest. Not being ok is a natural result of any person who pours themselves out. Stop beating yourself up for being tired when your being tired is evidence of your compassion and love. Christ grew tired and felt pain over those He exuded energy towards. Why wouldn't it be any different for us?

Retreat and Rest. Get yourself some space and relax. This is the one that I most struggle with! I struggle to disconnect from my work and, in the end, I never get the rest I need. As a result, I am far less productive than I could be. Retreat doesn't mean isolation, but it means disconnecting from the struggle long enough to reset your mind, and it means getting the measure of solitude that you need as well. 

I am ever being challenged in this area of my life. Don't give up my dear friend. If there is anything that I know for sure is that God is with you and He is going to see you through, He will be your supplement and strength when you have nothing left. I also know that He wants you to go and rest. 

So what are you waiting for? Go and rest. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

3 Essentials of Surviving

I did it! I made it a full year as Direct Care Staff, and I even signed on for another year!

I was recently conversing with one of the new interns, just joking around and having casual conversation. Suddenly, she looked at me and asked the question that all interns ask at one point or another: "How did you survive your year?"

There were several times where I didn't think I was going to. At month 4 I had my first "I wanna quit" moment. At 6 months I had hit "The Wall" and I wasn't sure that I was being useful or that I had any benefit to the kids that I had come to know and love. At month 9 I grew worried about getting through the summer, and I was certain that I wasn't able to make it another year. 

At month 10 I was instilled with supernatural strength and destroyed the arch-demon Melphesto and...oh wait....sorry that was a video game...

At month 10 God helped me push through and gave me my second wind. At that point I knew (but didn't want to admit) that I was staying for a 2nd year and that I had found my niche. 

I had my struggles throughout the year, but something I realized was that IT WASN'T IMPOSSIBLE! And that it wasn't necessarily harder than what I had been going through before coming here. It was jut different. I had to learn a lot and I had to do it while tired. 

Every difficulty feels harder when it's in the moment. We can say a dozen times "this is the hardest thing I've ever been through" when the reality is that it's simply the most present difficulty and therefore feels like the most difficult. 

In light of the question that was asked, I decided to share the top 3 things that helped me and that, I believe, are essentials for surviving...residential care? Ministry? Voluntary Parenthood? Whatever you wanna call it. These apply to a lot more than my job. 

So let's get started!

1) I never would have made it if I had not learned proper Spiritual Self-Care. There were seasons where I pulled away from people and I spent time doing things I enjoyed, but that wasn't always enough. I needed to center myself in Christ. 

The best and most effective season of my year were when I took the time to not only pull away but to be intentional about meditating and praying. Reflecting on who I was and what I was going through and handing them over to God to be dealt with in unison with Him. 

This will probably look different for other people. Some need to dance and scream and blast praise music, while others need complete silence, and others still need to go for a run while they pray. 

2) Mentorship. Being intentional about finding and engaging mentorship is huge! Having a wiser and more experienced individual to pour into your life and listen to your struggles with genuine love is essential. 

Our growth and maturity is limited without the guidance and love of a mentor who can be honest, stern, and supportive. While we do have the Spirit to mentor and comfort, God did not intend for us to go through life without human mentors as well. That's why Christ set up the church as a model of how to mentor! 

3) Coffee. Just kidding! Brotherhood was huge part of making it through the year. If it weren't for my fellow Bigs standing with me and giving me love and support I would not have grown or succeeded as I did. 

I needed them and they needed me. We all tried to it alone for the longest time, but month 6 came around and the reality hit us all....we couldn't do it without community; without brotherhood. When we unified and worked together, then we had strength we never expected and we took our house out of a very rough spot and into a stability that no one thought possible. 

There are other things that helped me get through my year, but these are the top 3 that I believe made my year a success. Maybe you will find these to be the same for you as well. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

The Art of Self-Care

One of the biggest challenges I face in life, even as a house parent in an therapeutic boarding school, is self-care. It has been my greatest downfall for many a year and I have suffered the harshness of life in greater measure because of this unfortunate truth. 

My parents SUCKED at self-care, so naturally I wasn't going to learn it from them. My pastors growing up had no concept of it, Hollywood distorts it more than the news distort racial discrimination (Too soon?), and the first time I ever really heard any teaching on it (let alone actually seeing it done) was in college. 

Working at a job that demands the majority of your week, and the nearly all of your sanity, I have had to do some learning in the area of slef-care. After 6 months of this, however, I am still learning how to do it right! 

Here is what I've learned so far:

1) You are the ONLY one responsible for insuring your own health. You  can ask for help and recieve aid, but ultimately it comes down to you. If youur job is preventing that, tell them. They can't help you unless you  make it known. They won't help? Look for a new job. Environment affecting your ability to do this? Change it. You  will not get the care you need unless you take the intitive to get it.

2) Search out what helps you. Humanity is diverse and so is self-care. We each have our own goals, desires, triggers, energy-providers, etc and therefore we each have different needs for health and well-being. There are some basics that help everyone like getting involved in a physical activity, eating healthy, and getting sleep, but the details of each of those is where we begin to express our indiviualty. 

Furthermore, our personailties and temperments have a major say in how we send our time and what activities give us energy. For example, I need quiet time and relaxation. i need calm people and deeper, more intimate conversation from people I love and trust. A dear friend of mine often turns to dancing, talking to randomm strangers, and general goofiness his means of unwinding and re-energizing. 

Neither are wrong. Just different.

3) Set proper boundaries. This is something I really frappin' suck at!!! Saying no to people that I know will not provide me the enrionment i need for self-care, spending too much of my off time with my kids, doing hospital and airport runs on my off time, etc.  These are ways that I fail to set boundaries for myself and thus set myself up for exhaustion and a rough week. Boundaries are an important part of life and society. Without them we run the risk of being used, manipulated, and having the life sucked right out of us (speakign form experience!). While establishing boundaries isn't an easy task, it is definitely one fo the most important ones. 

So there are some of my thoughts on the ambigious, challenging, and esstial topic of self-care!

Grace and Peace,

Stephen