Survivor

"Last Time On..."

In my last post I shared some of my experience as a teen growing up with a less-than-ideal marriage situation. I wanted to follow up on that post with another one that paralleled the first. In this post I wish to share the three elements of my life that kept me going and helped me traverse the waters of adversity.

Before I get to that I'd like to detour a bit.

There are those out there who have chosen to take sides with my parents, and I implore each of you to do so in love and charity for both parties, and with the knowledge that if you only listen to one person's story that you aren't going to get the full picture.

I'm grateful that no one who shouldn't has come to me with inquiries about their marriage, but I'm disappointed in those who should have and didn't. I needed aid, mentoring, and compassion from those older than I and did not find it, even when I sought after it intentionally.

With that said, let's pop on.

"How did you get through it?"

I'm glad you asked!

Teenagedom proved challenging-weighed down by stress and grotesque levels of emotions. I found escape by three means:

1. A bedroom with a door that stayed closed 96% of the time.
2. An ambitious and optimistic youth group.
3. A grocery store within walking distance that served as the perfect first job.

1. The Door

If I was home I was isolating. I used my room as a sanctuary, often thinking of the 10' by 10' space as being a castle in the dark forest of life. A gateway to another world where I could be safe. It helped that it was the most removed from other, high-occupancy rooms.

The moment I heard the very distinct sound of the Toyota pickup entering the driveway, *swoosh, click* door was shut. This didn't eliminate the stress or anxiety brought on by the knowledge of
others' presence or the sound of people moving around the house, but it did dampen a lot. Music covered most of the rest.

Looking back, I can see how my isolation caused destruction of its own kind. I would have been better off finding extra curricular activities such as sports or a social club based around art or photography, etc.

Please note that separating yourself from a bad thing is an excellent start! You cant heal a burn if you keep touching the fire. You need to, however, also find life giving environments and activities that help you heal quicker and be human.

2. Youth Group

While I don't fully accept the theology of my childhood upbringing, I recognize how I received safety and healing because of it. Being Pentecostal was the closest thing to therapy that I could get as a teen whose patriarch wasn't so keen on the idea of counseling. I was able to safely release emotions and pain in an environment that encouraged oral prayers and honest with God. I was also given vision for living and pushed to believe in the possibility of world affected by the gospel; that I could be a part of something bigger and world-changing.

If I could change one thing about this particular aspect of my life, it would be that I would have found mentors to invest in me more thoroughly and intentionally.

3. Work


I've been accused of being a workaholic. I think this is accurate in that I often use work as a means of escape, or as a means of finding value as a person. These are most definitely unhealthy elements of my personality. I'm simply stating that this was a means of survival for me as a teen. It also gave me a strong work ethic and helped me gain money, and favor with my superiors.

Ultimately, the job was a huge help for me and the pros outweighed the cons. Since then I've had to learn to fight off tendencies to become codependent and use work as a crutch for insecurity, but if one holds a proper perspective work can be extremely beneficial for a healthy life.

Here and Now

There are a lot of ongoing issues that my family has faced for longer than I care to calculate. All of which are major contributors to my development as a human and the forming of my worldview. I place significant measures of blame for the struggles that I face on my parents. It wasn't until I left for college and was exposed to so much more diversity of thought and belief that I was able to begin recognizing the gravity of what I endured for so many years. 

Generally speaking, I turned out alright. 

I've been a mentor, leader, writer, and an influence to hundreds of lives. I have helped more people than I can count to live better, healthier lives and only at the age of 27!

It took hard work to get here, and a lot of grace from God to be this person. 

The important part was that I lived to fight another day. I made it to 27 and I continue to grow and learn. Every day propels me onward towards wholeness, and I find myself influenced by my history but not oppressed by it. 

Grace and Peace, 

Stephen

After Two Years of Residential Work

The purpose of this post isn't to really convey or teach a particular topic. The purpose of this post is to share a little of my life with you and maybe help someone going through a rough time in ministry.

Two years ago I moved out to Kansas City, MO out of a desire to show love to troubled teens and to sacrifice my self (my time, energy, and resources) to try and bring hope and to share the Gospel of Christ. So why am I so often surprised by the difficulty and struggle that I experience? I knew that I wasn't wanted by those I went to minister to. It made the choice more difficult, but I felt like it was a needed element in my life. like it was something God was pushing me towards.

Since then I've had an evolution of form and function in the work place. I grew and became more experienced. I took on the call to move into a leadership role and to train and mentor staff to do that which I had done as a Mentor myself. Having done a year of both being a Mentor and being an Assistant House Director, I can say that I am nowhere near where I want to be, I've grown in ways I never could have expected, and I'm still not able to live a life void of my own struggles and flaws.

In college I had plenty of pastors and professors tell me that ministry was difficult, especially youth ministry. That always confused me. I never understood how they could say what they did. How could they always talk about being tired, stressed, and feeling ineffective. Now I do. If I can spend months and months with a student, seeing them 70-some-odd hours a week and feel completely useless and ineffective, then I can't imagine what someone who only gets a few hours a week with their students feel.


Lately I have wrestled with feeling completely ineffective and being unappreciated. Everyone who works at Shelterwood wrestles with this. Despite my best efforts to help others feel supported, I never seem to get them there. One of the areas that I failed in was sharing my own suffering and pain. I kept quiet and bottled up all the hurt and pain I felt so to not add to everyone else, but what I did was rob others of being able to be there for me.

When I was a Mentor, I would often share a little of my struggle with my students and it helped to build the relationship. It helped me to get things off my chest that were less sensitive things, and it allowed my students to know what it felt like to be there for others and to feel valued. Somewhere along the way I stopped doing that. I felt a responsibility not to; like it was a requirement of my current position to suffer in silence and alone.

After many months of doing this, I now feel overwhelmed and far from "ok."

God's way of helping me has been the opposite of what I've wanted. He has forced me to open up with others and talk about what lies beneath. He has been humbling me by leading me to share my burdens and to be honest about things that I am embarrassed about.

I've been able to get away for a few days and the distance has been helpful in taking some of the mental and emotional weight off of my shoulders, but it's not enough. I've been pushing against a wall and trying to do it without help. Two years of residential
work, and taking in all the second-hand trauma, has taken it's toll on me and worn me out.

I'm angry. I'm hurting. I don't live perfectly and I'm still working out this whole healing thing. They say that salvation isn't works based, but God sure seems to be pushing me to do a lot of stuff. Christianity isn't meant to be as lazy and relaxed as pastors preach it in the pulpits.

To those of you out there saying "just sit back and watch God work", please just stop. God isn't a circus or a movie to be just "watched" and entertained by.

There is no resolve to this post. Sorry if that cuts you a little bit. There are no Christian cliches that can accurately minister to your pain or mine. It's takes something more than cute words and "reading the Word" to make the world ok. We walk and we fight because God gave us purpose and He told us to keep going. He told us that He is coming for us so to keeping moving towards Him. Light comes when we least expect it. Grace always comes just in time.

Please know that if you are suffering you aren't alone. You aren't the only one. Many have come before us and succeeded, and so shall we. God will see us through, but we can't give ourselves over to our enemies before He does. Fight with me. Fight with me until the stars collapse and the Earth melts into itself. 

3 Essentials of Surviving

I did it! I made it a full year as Direct Care Staff, and I even signed on for another year!

I was recently conversing with one of the new interns, just joking around and having casual conversation. Suddenly, she looked at me and asked the question that all interns ask at one point or another: "How did you survive your year?"

There were several times where I didn't think I was going to. At month 4 I had my first "I wanna quit" moment. At 6 months I had hit "The Wall" and I wasn't sure that I was being useful or that I had any benefit to the kids that I had come to know and love. At month 9 I grew worried about getting through the summer, and I was certain that I wasn't able to make it another year. 

At month 10 I was instilled with supernatural strength and destroyed the arch-demon Melphesto and...oh wait....sorry that was a video game...

At month 10 God helped me push through and gave me my second wind. At that point I knew (but didn't want to admit) that I was staying for a 2nd year and that I had found my niche. 

I had my struggles throughout the year, but something I realized was that IT WASN'T IMPOSSIBLE! And that it wasn't necessarily harder than what I had been going through before coming here. It was jut different. I had to learn a lot and I had to do it while tired. 

Every difficulty feels harder when it's in the moment. We can say a dozen times "this is the hardest thing I've ever been through" when the reality is that it's simply the most present difficulty and therefore feels like the most difficult. 

In light of the question that was asked, I decided to share the top 3 things that helped me and that, I believe, are essentials for surviving...residential care? Ministry? Voluntary Parenthood? Whatever you wanna call it. These apply to a lot more than my job. 

So let's get started!

1) I never would have made it if I had not learned proper Spiritual Self-Care. There were seasons where I pulled away from people and I spent time doing things I enjoyed, but that wasn't always enough. I needed to center myself in Christ. 

The best and most effective season of my year were when I took the time to not only pull away but to be intentional about meditating and praying. Reflecting on who I was and what I was going through and handing them over to God to be dealt with in unison with Him. 

This will probably look different for other people. Some need to dance and scream and blast praise music, while others need complete silence, and others still need to go for a run while they pray. 

2) Mentorship. Being intentional about finding and engaging mentorship is huge! Having a wiser and more experienced individual to pour into your life and listen to your struggles with genuine love is essential. 

Our growth and maturity is limited without the guidance and love of a mentor who can be honest, stern, and supportive. While we do have the Spirit to mentor and comfort, God did not intend for us to go through life without human mentors as well. That's why Christ set up the church as a model of how to mentor! 

3) Coffee. Just kidding! Brotherhood was huge part of making it through the year. If it weren't for my fellow Bigs standing with me and giving me love and support I would not have grown or succeeded as I did. 

I needed them and they needed me. We all tried to it alone for the longest time, but month 6 came around and the reality hit us all....we couldn't do it without community; without brotherhood. When we unified and worked together, then we had strength we never expected and we took our house out of a very rough spot and into a stability that no one thought possible. 

There are other things that helped me get through my year, but these are the top 3 that I believe made my year a success. Maybe you will find these to be the same for you as well. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

The Art of Self-Care

One of the biggest challenges I face in life, even as a house parent in an therapeutic boarding school, is self-care. It has been my greatest downfall for many a year and I have suffered the harshness of life in greater measure because of this unfortunate truth. 

My parents SUCKED at self-care, so naturally I wasn't going to learn it from them. My pastors growing up had no concept of it, Hollywood distorts it more than the news distort racial discrimination (Too soon?), and the first time I ever really heard any teaching on it (let alone actually seeing it done) was in college. 

Working at a job that demands the majority of your week, and the nearly all of your sanity, I have had to do some learning in the area of slef-care. After 6 months of this, however, I am still learning how to do it right! 

Here is what I've learned so far:

1) You are the ONLY one responsible for insuring your own health. You  can ask for help and recieve aid, but ultimately it comes down to you. If youur job is preventing that, tell them. They can't help you unless you  make it known. They won't help? Look for a new job. Environment affecting your ability to do this? Change it. You  will not get the care you need unless you take the intitive to get it.

2) Search out what helps you. Humanity is diverse and so is self-care. We each have our own goals, desires, triggers, energy-providers, etc and therefore we each have different needs for health and well-being. There are some basics that help everyone like getting involved in a physical activity, eating healthy, and getting sleep, but the details of each of those is where we begin to express our indiviualty. 

Furthermore, our personailties and temperments have a major say in how we send our time and what activities give us energy. For example, I need quiet time and relaxation. i need calm people and deeper, more intimate conversation from people I love and trust. A dear friend of mine often turns to dancing, talking to randomm strangers, and general goofiness his means of unwinding and re-energizing. 

Neither are wrong. Just different.

3) Set proper boundaries. This is something I really frappin' suck at!!! Saying no to people that I know will not provide me the enrionment i need for self-care, spending too much of my off time with my kids, doing hospital and airport runs on my off time, etc.  These are ways that I fail to set boundaries for myself and thus set myself up for exhaustion and a rough week. Boundaries are an important part of life and society. Without them we run the risk of being used, manipulated, and having the life sucked right out of us (speakign form experience!). While establishing boundaries isn't an easy task, it is definitely one fo the most important ones. 

So there are some of my thoughts on the ambigious, challenging, and esstial topic of self-care!

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Healthier Environments

This past week I started a second part time job which has definitely added to the craziness of my weekly schedule! I know work as a retail associate in a clothing department store AND a Christian book/music/apparel/knick-knack store. I never imagined myself working in a Christian store, though I suppose it makes more sense than my working in a clothing store! I was a little hesitant about going into another retail job, but I decided that I was going to give it a shot and face it head on; upon doing so I have found myself pleasantly surprised by the difference.

There is a quote from the movie The Departed that goes, "I don't want to be a product of my environment, I want my environment to be a product of me." I deeply love this quote and I reflect these words in my heart, the fact of the matter that even if we live in such a way as to not be driven by our surroundings, we are still highly influenced by them. That being said, I have noticed a significant difference in the environments of the two place of employment. One is incredibly stress-filled, unrewarding, and toxic, while the other is relaxed, cooperative, and encouraging.

The reason for this lies in the philosophies of the owners/CEO's of the two businesses, and there policies on "employee service". One cares nothing about their employees and is more than willing to throw them under the bus for the sake of "numbers" and does not care about the overall health of the company, but rather focuses on the profits to the point of creating policies that will ultimately leave the store in ruins. The Christian bookstore, however, takes the needs of their employees and their customers much more seriously. They take the time to recognize the strengths of their employees. They create a work environment that utilizes teamwork rather than creating an atmosphere of "competition" and encouraging sale-sharking.

The fact is that environment is one of the key elements in our growth and development. It is the job of business owners and employers to create the healthiest environment possible for their employees, as it is also the task of parents to provide the healthiest environment for their children, and a priest for his parish. The environment that we live in will always affect us, no matter how strong-willed we are.

I am incredibly grateful that God has provide me with this realization and for a place that provides a healthier environment for me to work and to grow. I hope that soon I will be able to completely remove the unhealthy environment from my life.

I would encourage any who read this to please, examine your life and ask yourself "Am I in a healthy environment?" and if not "Can I change this and make my environment healthier?" If you fond that you are unable to make your environment healthy...then perhaps it's time for a move (literally or metaphorically). There is a time to stand and a time to run, and the hard part is knowing the difference.

Grace and Wisdom,

Stephen

"Lord, Make Me Peace..."

I was driving home from work after a long day of dealing with corporate visitors, straightening clothes, and absolute boredom! I was exhausted and my mind was heavy with the many aspects of life that are difficult, troubling, and heavy on my heart. Thought after thought rolled through my mind and then I finally rested on the relieving reality that in merely a week I will be with my friends spending a week in Savannah, GA! I was filled with excitement over the soon coming vacation!

As I was thinking about the trip, my thoughts turned to my friends' newly born son, Edmund and I thought of the crying baby and, for some reason, I welcomed the idea of being kept awake because of a little crying baby. Weird right?! As I daydreamed of this possible event, I imagined that I was able to calm the weeping lad and that was the point of contact for the Spirit to plant a renewed desire in my heart! Peace: to have peace, to give peace, and to be made into peace!

My mind was immediately filled with the words of St. Francis and longed to be a wellspring of peace.

The world isn't full of peace these days. we are surrounded with discussions of war and revolt. Chaos fills our work spaces, family encounters, and our troubled psyches. Something that we lack, and severely need, is peace. In Christ, I should be striving to be an instrument of peace in the world. We are called to be peacemakers; centers of calm in the storms of life. It is sad that, even though we have the Holy Spirit dwelling within us, we are not often very peace-giving or peace-making.

I recognize the horrible truth that I myself am often a bringer of chaos; I often let my mind fall into chaos in the midst of undesirable situations rather than yielding myself to the Spirit's work in me. Instead of disciplining my mind I let my heart grow impatient and even cold towards others, rather than stepping in with the strength and wisdom of God to put an end to the wars raging around me. This is not a holy way to live and is not honoring to God.

Sin dwells within our hearts. It is the cancer of our souls; the broken aspect of our humanity. It is my sin that separates me from God and it is my tainted human nature that stirs my heart to malice, selfishness, and unholistic living and thinking. I am on this journey of redemption and healing, but I have a long way to go before I reach before I get to where God really wants me to be. He is walking with me through this and as He and I engage in this divine romance I am being made more and more like Him. That is what I experienced today in my car. A moment of with God in which He spoke softly to me and told me that He wanted me to be something different; revealing a part of me that has all but evaded my sight. In the midst of this revelation all I could say was, "Lord, make me peace..."

In this Lenten season, let us seek to be men and women of peace. Let us become instruments of peace for the world, and let's start where it often the most difficult-right in our own homes and relationships.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

What's in a Name?

I have been working at Dillard's Inc. for nearly 6 months now, and about two months ago I received my name tag! (No, you're right, I was supposed to receive it sooner than that). After receiving the the name tag, I noticed very little change. People still asked if I worked there, but people ask me that even when I'm dressed way down and off the clock...and even when I'm in Krogger's! This past weekend, however, I have noticed a bizarre change in my customers. They have nearly all begun to thank me by name!

This might not seem significant in passing thought, but I noticed a change in my reception of the typical "thanks" given as I wish the customers farewell. There is something that hits me when I hear my name spoken. Why? The brain is a marvelous device of processing and thought, and perhaps it is my brain picking up on the unusual stating of my name and the attempt to process this is what stirs that feeling in my stomach.

Let's take that a step further. Not only is it unusual for me to hear customers state my name, but in doing so that have exerted additional effort to make their thanks more personal. They took the time to search for my name and then state it, knowing good and well that in doing so that were making a relational, personal move in their expressing gratitude. That means something. What caught me even more off guard was when customers came back and called my name from afar, thereby showing more effort to remember my name rather than simply state it in one brief moment.

A name is personal, meaningful, and identifying. It separates one from another, is used to make social ques or state relationship. For example, one who has deeper relationship with another might take the extra time to say their first name, while another with a more shallow relationship (perhaps one strictly based around sports) will use the last name. Nicknames also serve this function of bearing identity, or of hiding identity.

I have often thought about changing my name, and the only reason I did not was to avoid offending my parents. I did not want my parents to take my name change as a slap in the face, and being a 2nd makes that even more prominent. What I have noticed through this weekend's experience is that I cherish my name. I hold it dear to me because I am recognized by it. When my friends us it they are honoring me and saying "I recognize you as an individual. You are you and I am I; I realize your separateness and value it."

What do you think of your name or nickname? Do you wish you could change your name? If so, why? How do names affect your world and what would life be like without them?

Peace be with you,

Stephen