"In Blackest Night"

3:30 AM is fast approaching and I feel tired, but sleep evades me. I can't shut my mind off! Unable to pin down my thoughts and escape the welling emotions I had no choice but to get out of bed and walk. I am restless.

Tonight I feel the looming presence of an old enemy, or was he my friend? Looking back I think I acted as if both were true.

Depression...that blasted distant relative you don't expect to show up then suddenly you look up to find sitting at your dinner table.

I'm nearing two years of residential care, proceeded by years of volunteer youth min work and internships and a degree in loving people....and yet I too continue to struggle with the very things I'm helping my students go through. I'm often able to see depression coming and am able to ignore him when he comes ringing the doorbell...but there are some nights when I open the door without checking and by the time I know it's him it's too late to slam the door in his face!

I sit in the uncertainty of the future, and even of the present.

I wrestle with my sense of value and worth, and I ask God to help me now. In the midst of my pain, I pray that He reaches down and touches my broken, aching heart.

If you're out there feeling this way and reading this, please...please don't give up. Don't give into the darkness that seeks to seduce you and break your spirit. Fight with me. Fight against all shadows.

Open up and let the light in....it's going to be ok.

Grace and Peace,
Stephen

Eulogies and Zombies

A few months back a close friend of mine challenged me to a spiritual/mental/emotional exercise that he felt would be very beneficial to me. The exercise was this: to write a eulogy to the version of me that I idolized and determined that I should be rather than what I am. Oh man...

It was one of the most profound experiences that I've had to date. It started off like this:

"On October 7th, in the year of our Lord 2015, the conjuration of a perfect Stephen Dewane Green II died a most tragic death: reality. He was a dreadful bastard that haunted the waking reality of a good, yet imperfect, human that sought to live a happy life. He brought misery and pain with his illusions of awe and worth. This sickening conjuration and ideology was a disruptor of inspiration and an idol that demanded every ounce of love and attention due to both God and to the man that so readily clung to this ghost of a ghost."

The poetic flow continued from there in greater detail. By the end of it I felt lighter, empowered, and incredibly free. These days, however, I find that ghosts and zombies do exist and they are insistent about having control.

I have told other many times before that it has been my personal experience in life that whenever God allows me to feel His presence in a very real, deep way that it has been to comfort me and assure me that He is with me; that trials were coming and He would be there through them.

The trials came and I already forgot that He was there, even though He always has been. Through thick and thin God has never left me and has never abandoned me. If didn't before, I'm confident He won't start now.

I have not "failed" yet but I have been dangerously close. In this struggle I'm fighting to be there with my Bigs and fellow Assistant House Directors; to give them the love and support that I am good at giving. The enemy is hard on my tail, but "this a recall and therefore have joy. The Lord will not turn His face forever...:

So I go to war against the zombie, the reanimate personification of idealistic perfectionism that is trying to take control of my life. I say "No. I will not give in."

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

What 8 Months of Ministry Taught Me and More!

Today marks my 8th month in "high-action youth ministry"! Or at least, that's what I like to call it! Being a Direct Care Staff at a Christian therapeutic boarding school can hardly be simplified any other way!

I am not as happy as I was when I first started, but I am happy. The reason for this decrease can be found in a variety of reasons.

1) Gah I'm tired! Up until this last break I didn't realize how freak'n tired I was! 80+ hours a week takes its toll, and the truth is that I must endure a great deal on the daily from teens who wish they could have met me somewhere else for a completely different reason than being sent to this school. Haha! Which leads to number...

2) My relationships with my teens is constantly in flux. They don't want to be here. They have stuff they are working through. I have stuff I am working through. I am their friend, but I am also their authority. Perfect combination for tension. I could be talking through some heart issues with a guy one night and then be cussed out the next for having to call them out on a rule; suddenly I am their worst enemy and we might not talk for a week (for people who see each other and spend as much time together as we do...that's rough!).

3)I'm not as open to change and learning from experience as I was when I got here. At first I was actively seeking areas to improve and lessons to learn as much as possible. Even though I still do that, I am definitely not as intentional or consistent as I was. I need a return to a greater level of humility and to be intentional again.

So there are the three areas that add to the struggle that I experience in this 8th month of my Shelterlife! It's rough, but it is also wonderful. I have learned a lot about people and I have wrestled with some tough questions and learned how to love in greater ways than I ever thought possible.

Here are a few things that I've learned/am learning:

1) Trust, but be ready to forgive. Living in a constant state of distrust is not healthy for you or for those you are trying to reach. Granted, my teens come to me in a position that would cause anyone to naturally distrust them, but for them to grow and heal they need to experience being trusted. This means that I personally have had to live in a state of hyper-trust building. I have to be willing to trust sooner and be ready to talk about why I do or do not trust someone. If there is distrust, I may have to offer concrete advice as to how it can be built, and then respond to any effort that I see being taken.

Life outside of my currently environment requires a different approach, BUT I believe that the base principle holds true. Learn to trust. Don't be shocked when they break that trust. Be willing to forgive.

2) Be yourself. As I once told one of my guys, "living a lie is never healthy." That doesn't mean that you may not need to make changes, ant that doesn't mean you use a current flaw as an excuse. It means that being honest about who you currently are and believe is vital to being healthy and whole and is the only way to achieve real change. Living a two-faced life is not. It is destructive and eventually will break you. Be like the goof balls to the right who took some liberties with my phone lol!

3) Don't be a loner. We need community. We need people. I can't do my job by myself. I can't make it through the week with out turning to one of my fellows staff members/friends for support and feedback. I often feel the temptation to pull away when stressed, angry, or feeling insecure. I have learned, the hard way, that this is not the way to go. It only makes things worse and the weight will crush you. It nearly did me. Thankfully I have some amazing people looking out for me!

4) Christ is everything! Without Christ I would NEVER, EVER be able to do my job! There would be no point in my job! Christ is the one who guides and heals and makes you strong enough. It is so freak'n easy to forget that ESPECIALLY when your job is Christ-centered! Why is that? Because the enemy effin' hates you! You are going to struggle and fight because it more essential for you to remember Christ's control and presence in your life when it's the very thing that you are trying to teach. Fight for your spiritual life above all else and don't be ashamed or afraid of it!

If you don't have that community in your job, look for it outside your job. Make it, build it, seek it out. If you are in ministry and are facing a lack of community and connection (and you are genuinely trying to create it) then it may be time to brush up that resume...


That's all I have! 8 months and going on!

Grace and Peace!!!

Stephen

I Wanna Quit!

Everyone who claims Christ has had one of those days where they wake and say "Eff this! I quit!" or "Gah, I don't wanna be a Christian today." It's not something Christians like to admit, but come on; be honest. You have felt that way right? I know that I frappin' have!

In fact I had one of those days just this past week! It wasn't that I had doubts. It was that I didn't want to submit my flesh to the will of God rather than the temptations and selfish desires that are sown into the fabric of my imperfect soul. It's an unpleasant reality that we are not yet redeemed fully from our sin natures and boy does it suck!

So, you might ask how I make it through those days when I don't want to serve or seek God...

I don't have a clear answer to that.

Christianity is not fully of cookie-cutter answers or quick fixes. Would be a hellalot nicer if it were. There is no secret cheat code or magic formula for success. It's the real and the raw. It's a pain in the King Jimmy Donkey and it doesn't just go away over time.

The Bible says that righteous man falls 7 times and picks himself back up. The "RIGHTEOUS MAN" falls! What the frapp?!

God laid it right out in front of us in His Holy Writ. NO ONE IS HOLY! Even the most renowned spiritual hero of the faith frapped up! David fornicated with a woman and the murdered her respectable, honorable, and loyal husband! Moses doubted, acted the coward, and then gave in to pride! Elijah ran for his life instead of trusting, Peter denied Christ, Judas betrayed Christ, Jonah ran and then got angry at God for His mercy, etc etc etc.

"And having done everything you can to stand...stand!" --Bible, Somewhere in there...Paul said it...I think...You get the point

There may not be a quick fix, but there is a God who loves you and loves me. How did I make it through that day and continue to serve? God helped me to fight. He didn't just take away the struggle, but He did give me the grace to choose not to give in and the strength to endure all adversity and evil desire. Christ is our strong hold. He grants us victory but He still expects us to endure and to experience the struggle of reaching for holiness; to find ourselves more and more like our Creator.

So when you feel like giving up and you feel like the temptation is just too great, remember your Christ and remember your God. Remember His love for you and His ultimate desire for your healthy, growth, and success (not money and wealth...success). and having done all you can to stand...stand. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen 

Compelling Words From a French Priest

This past month, a group of men and I read through a book called "The Sacrament of the Present Moment" by Jean-Pierre De Caussade. Jean-Pierre was a priest in France during the 1700's. During this time he wrote a series of letters to a group of nuns which was later published under the name "Self-Abandonment to Divine Providence." 

The book was the perfect read for me in this time in my life! I have entered into a significant time of transition and have been, as I have stated in a recent post, trying to live more in present and engage the people around me. This book spoke to my heart concerning this very issue that I have been wrestling with over the last several weeks! 

Jean-Pierre wove together a beautiful picture of surrender as he spoke of the Christian life and our need to be aware of the Spirit's work in this very moment in our lives. He spoke often of suffering and of darkness as being a part of the will of God. One of the statements that most stood out to me was his writing about those who struggle to reach spiritual greatness and instead experience affliction and struggle. He says:

"Perfection come to them, not through reason, enlightenment of reflection, but through every affliction sent by God, through their duty to the present moment and through impulses with nothing good about them, though not actually sinful."

He goes on to talk about the afflicted person being filled with despair and shame as he sees the weighty standards of "saintliness" that he sees others appearing to fulfill. He, in fact, finds himself "condemned: by the lives of the saints! He goes on to say that, "It is in these afflictions, which succeed one another each moment, that God, veiled and obscured, reveals Himself, mysteriously bestowing his grace in a manner quite unrecognized by souls who feel only weakness in bearing their cross, distaste for performing their duty, and capable of only mediocre spiritual practices."

This is something that resonates with me deeply! I have found that it has been in the turmoil, struggle, disappointments, and strife that God has done the most to change my heart and make me into a better person. This goes back to the topic of "purging" that I wrote about several weeks back.

We have a duty to the present. The past is gone and, though it affects us still, we are no longer living in it. We are here in the "now" and so is the will of God. His Spirit beckons us to be apart of the world that we are presently in and not to worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will come in it's time. We have a duty to those we engage with and to our jobs and our communities; with the understanding that God is with us and is active in this moment to bring us closer to perfection and to purer intimacy with Him.

Be here; be present.

Grace and Peace

Stephen