After Two Years of Residential Work

The purpose of this post isn't to really convey or teach a particular topic. The purpose of this post is to share a little of my life with you and maybe help someone going through a rough time in ministry.

Two years ago I moved out to Kansas City, MO out of a desire to show love to troubled teens and to sacrifice my self (my time, energy, and resources) to try and bring hope and to share the Gospel of Christ. So why am I so often surprised by the difficulty and struggle that I experience? I knew that I wasn't wanted by those I went to minister to. It made the choice more difficult, but I felt like it was a needed element in my life. like it was something God was pushing me towards.

Since then I've had an evolution of form and function in the work place. I grew and became more experienced. I took on the call to move into a leadership role and to train and mentor staff to do that which I had done as a Mentor myself. Having done a year of both being a Mentor and being an Assistant House Director, I can say that I am nowhere near where I want to be, I've grown in ways I never could have expected, and I'm still not able to live a life void of my own struggles and flaws.

In college I had plenty of pastors and professors tell me that ministry was difficult, especially youth ministry. That always confused me. I never understood how they could say what they did. How could they always talk about being tired, stressed, and feeling ineffective. Now I do. If I can spend months and months with a student, seeing them 70-some-odd hours a week and feel completely useless and ineffective, then I can't imagine what someone who only gets a few hours a week with their students feel.


Lately I have wrestled with feeling completely ineffective and being unappreciated. Everyone who works at Shelterwood wrestles with this. Despite my best efforts to help others feel supported, I never seem to get them there. One of the areas that I failed in was sharing my own suffering and pain. I kept quiet and bottled up all the hurt and pain I felt so to not add to everyone else, but what I did was rob others of being able to be there for me.

When I was a Mentor, I would often share a little of my struggle with my students and it helped to build the relationship. It helped me to get things off my chest that were less sensitive things, and it allowed my students to know what it felt like to be there for others and to feel valued. Somewhere along the way I stopped doing that. I felt a responsibility not to; like it was a requirement of my current position to suffer in silence and alone.

After many months of doing this, I now feel overwhelmed and far from "ok."

God's way of helping me has been the opposite of what I've wanted. He has forced me to open up with others and talk about what lies beneath. He has been humbling me by leading me to share my burdens and to be honest about things that I am embarrassed about.

I've been able to get away for a few days and the distance has been helpful in taking some of the mental and emotional weight off of my shoulders, but it's not enough. I've been pushing against a wall and trying to do it without help. Two years of residential
work, and taking in all the second-hand trauma, has taken it's toll on me and worn me out.

I'm angry. I'm hurting. I don't live perfectly and I'm still working out this whole healing thing. They say that salvation isn't works based, but God sure seems to be pushing me to do a lot of stuff. Christianity isn't meant to be as lazy and relaxed as pastors preach it in the pulpits.

To those of you out there saying "just sit back and watch God work", please just stop. God isn't a circus or a movie to be just "watched" and entertained by.

There is no resolve to this post. Sorry if that cuts you a little bit. There are no Christian cliches that can accurately minister to your pain or mine. It's takes something more than cute words and "reading the Word" to make the world ok. We walk and we fight because God gave us purpose and He told us to keep going. He told us that He is coming for us so to keeping moving towards Him. Light comes when we least expect it. Grace always comes just in time.

Please know that if you are suffering you aren't alone. You aren't the only one. Many have come before us and succeeded, and so shall we. God will see us through, but we can't give ourselves over to our enemies before He does. Fight with me. Fight with me until the stars collapse and the Earth melts into itself. 

BE Wise

I ask for wisdom often. I mean OFTEN! I always want to be able to give others the absolute best advice and I want to be able to pass good judgment on any given situation that I walk into, but I never think of wisdom as being beneficial to ME.

I do not mean that I don't ask for advice, but instead that I never ask for wisdom to be able to live healthier myself. I always think of wisdom as being something you have for the benefit of those around you, but in thinking that way I ultimately neglect my own needs.

What I am doing is asking for wise words, but not to actually be wise.

To be wise is far more complex than being able to give advice. It living it out. I may give wisdom form time to time, but anyone who looks at how I take care of myself and say that I am not a very wise person at all.

So when you pray, pray to "be wise" rather than to "have wisdom." Don't pray to have light...pray to BE light!

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Healthier Environments

This past week I started a second part time job which has definitely added to the craziness of my weekly schedule! I know work as a retail associate in a clothing department store AND a Christian book/music/apparel/knick-knack store. I never imagined myself working in a Christian store, though I suppose it makes more sense than my working in a clothing store! I was a little hesitant about going into another retail job, but I decided that I was going to give it a shot and face it head on; upon doing so I have found myself pleasantly surprised by the difference.

There is a quote from the movie The Departed that goes, "I don't want to be a product of my environment, I want my environment to be a product of me." I deeply love this quote and I reflect these words in my heart, the fact of the matter that even if we live in such a way as to not be driven by our surroundings, we are still highly influenced by them. That being said, I have noticed a significant difference in the environments of the two place of employment. One is incredibly stress-filled, unrewarding, and toxic, while the other is relaxed, cooperative, and encouraging.

The reason for this lies in the philosophies of the owners/CEO's of the two businesses, and there policies on "employee service". One cares nothing about their employees and is more than willing to throw them under the bus for the sake of "numbers" and does not care about the overall health of the company, but rather focuses on the profits to the point of creating policies that will ultimately leave the store in ruins. The Christian bookstore, however, takes the needs of their employees and their customers much more seriously. They take the time to recognize the strengths of their employees. They create a work environment that utilizes teamwork rather than creating an atmosphere of "competition" and encouraging sale-sharking.

The fact is that environment is one of the key elements in our growth and development. It is the job of business owners and employers to create the healthiest environment possible for their employees, as it is also the task of parents to provide the healthiest environment for their children, and a priest for his parish. The environment that we live in will always affect us, no matter how strong-willed we are.

I am incredibly grateful that God has provide me with this realization and for a place that provides a healthier environment for me to work and to grow. I hope that soon I will be able to completely remove the unhealthy environment from my life.

I would encourage any who read this to please, examine your life and ask yourself "Am I in a healthy environment?" and if not "Can I change this and make my environment healthier?" If you fond that you are unable to make your environment healthy...then perhaps it's time for a move (literally or metaphorically). There is a time to stand and a time to run, and the hard part is knowing the difference.

Grace and Wisdom,

Stephen

Over-Exposed

Have You...?

Have you ever felt...vulnerable? Like you could be attacked at any given moment and are completely unable to defend yourself? Perhaps you felt this way as you were walking alone downtown or in an alleyway. Perhaps you felt this way after the death of a loved one or after experiencing something traumatic like a car wreck. Something that I have wrestled with for a good portion of my life is the feeling of vulnerability and exposure. (Please note, I am talking about the feeling of vulnerability. Not the active decision to "be vulnerable" with other which I completely support)

Build a Wall!

A dear friend of mine contacted me the other day after having attended a Psychology class. She informed me that she had been reading a "shame inventory" that asked a question that reflected something that I had said to her many months back. It asked the question "do you ever feel so exposed that you wish the Earth would open up and swallow you whole?" The answer is yes...yes I have. I have desired to crawl into the earth hide away from world. Similarly, I have experienced nights were I wanted to get lost in the darkest corner of the room, to be wrapped up in a cocoon, and to simply vanish into thin air.

I believe this desire to protect myself and to hide spread it's influence throughout the various aspects of my life. When I played real-time strategy games I found myself focusing on the defenses and self sufficiency of my "empire" more than the offensive power. My brother, being the more outspoken and outwardly expressive individual, focused on the opposite. Why he and I turned out so different in this aspect I'll never know. What I do know is that my feelings were real, and they affected me.

A Little History

My family made it very clear that anything bad that happened within the home was to be kept secret, so I did. I hid away all the pain and sorrow of a broken home life for the sake of of my family's false honor and dignity.  I had to save face with the church and the world. And yet, I somehow came to feel exposed??? Everything was held back, apart from my indisguisable expressions. Couldn't hide the depression, but that didn't mean I wasn't supposed to try.

I was led head-on into individualistic Christianity and taught that I didn't need people, just Jesus. The logic seems sound, but only because we neglect the value of community that God wove into the fabric of humanity. God made us to be in community and to function together. I didn't have community in or outside of my home, and when you have no community it is easy to feel like you are completely alone. Loneliness can leave one feeling vulnerable, like no one can/will come to their defense. So is this the source of those feelings of loneliness and vulnerability? Maybe...maybe not.

Perhaps it is the evil itself that took place rather than my not having an external support system to help my deal with it. Then again, it could be both! Another option is simply biological structure and personality, but these would be influences at best. It is even possible that there are events in my life that I don't remember or simply have not been able to associate with the these feelings of defenselessness.

Perhaps I will never know the root of this personal struggle. I have my suspicions, but I have no proof or solid leads. I do, however, have experience, as well as the understanding of a feeling that I previously believed to be unique to my person, but is in fact not!

Not Alone

I am not alone in these feelings. I fact, it's common enough of a feeling as to make it's way into the shame inventory that my friend was reading! There are those out there that have overwhelming feelings of exposure and are seeking refuge for their minds and souls that as if they are walking naked through the snow. Or as if they are surrounded by a dozen men with lead pipes, ready to start beating them. They most likely don't believe that their are people who would do that. These are simply the ways that best describe the indescribably. They are the images that are produced by the longing for security and community. I believe that a lot of gangs are started from the need to feel connected and like someone has their back.

Lies and Remedies

I am not an expert on emotions, nor am I a self-help specialist. I make a lot of mistakes and I fail to always keep my emotions in check. I have learned that my mind is a liar. So are demons, but most often they don't have to waste their time with me because my own mind usually has doe their work for them. As cliche as it sounds, it is important that we train our selves to speak the truth to our selves to believe what God says about us rather than what our feelings say. Prayer and meditation are very important to our lives to to the healing of our hearts. God has indeed given us community and designed us to need one another, but we also need Him. We need the help of the Spirit to complete that which humanity can only do so much of.

Reader, if you feel like shutting yourself away, please listen to what I have to say. Don't try to go this alone. You were not meant to take on life alone. If you keep trying to recluse yourself, you will eventually go so far in that the darkness you hide in can't find you. here are some things that I have learned from my years of walking with Christ and dealing with my emotions.

• Share your emotions/Don't go it alone. Find a friend who loves and cares for you; tell them about your struggles and emotions. Ask them to impart truth about who you are.

• Trust. That's a hard one I know! but trust is essential to relationship and to growth. Yes, you are going to get hurt from time to time, but no true relationship is free of pain and to live out or lives in such away that we let fear of getting hurt keep us from trusting and loving...well, that's just not living!

• Find a priest and a church community that will walk with you and will seek to know and be known by you. Nothing can substitute a good priest (or pastor if you are more low-church) to give spiritual direction and counsel.

• Remember that no matter how dark the world gets, Christ loves you. He is your shield and your strength. When all the world begins to shake, when the sun fades to blackness, and when the sky threatens to fall and crush you...stand. When you have no strength left, stand. When the enemy comes in and strikes you and knocks you down...stand. Christ is for you, don't give up and don't give in. 

It Ain't Over

I know I have a great deal further to go before my journey is over. I have so much more to learn about the world and about life. God will grant me more wisdom and understanding as the days carry on, but I trust Him to get me through to continue to make me a better person. For though He "causes me to dwell in darkness as those who are long dead" I know that the Father of Lights will be my Light. 

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no Evil, for Thou art with me. Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me...surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life."

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

A Seed of Hope

Lately I have been overwhelmed with a sort of dark, lonely reality. Though I'm surrounded by family and many friends, my previous statement remains the fabric of my reality. Through this my opinions and decisions are shaped and distorted.
Recently, in the midst of this I am able to see a great deal about myself, as well as see the strength and loyalties of my friendship. Frankly my life is a bigger mess than the Deathstar post-Luke, but it is not hopeless as I once believed. Instead I have been forced to come face-to-face once again with the reality of my sinfulness; my depravity. In turn I find myself finally seeking God as I should be. In my seeking, the Holy Spirit has begun to awaken me inside and spark something new. I fear that this will only be for a short time and I wish to revel in every last moment I have, but more importantly I want to come to the end of this season and look back and say that I have been changed and that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have accomplished something of eternal value. It's coming to life...coming to bloom. My restless soul aches for more and my soul has been awakened from its comatose to stand up and be counted.
I pray for wisdom and for strength. I wish to move with the Spirit in this divine dance and to go with Him into the darkness, rushing forth like the dawn; like a river rushes forth after a dam has been broken. Its time to be present in this world again.