That Grace May Abound

The other night I was sitting with a student of mine who was expressing great disappointment in himself. He had had a rough day and didn't respond to others as gracefully as he needed to. He expressed feeling like he couldn't stay on track; that every time he did something really good he would instantly follow up with something terrible. One terrible day for every really good day, and the better the good day the worse the bad day would be.

This wasn't true, though I can relate to feeling that way. I know that there are many times when I feel that same way. I feel stuck or like I'm caught in an unending, undefeatable cycle.

After expressing these feelings he turned to me and, in a place of frustration and desperation to do things right, he said "Maybe I should just do bad things and then I'll do really good things instead!"

This called my mind to the letters of Paul. "Should we then keep on sinning that grace may abound? HELL NAH!" (Culturally equivalent translation applied).

It's a natural temptation, when we face the long war against sin, to want to give up, or even to adopt a poor theology of grace. I have even thought to myself "maybe I should just get it out of my system" (Theoretically the root origin of Mardi Gras). Though I know these are deceptions and my flesh trying to justify poor decisions, I still feel the pull of temptation. I understand where my kid is coming from.

We go through patterns in life where we are constantly fighting our sin nature, our inner darkness. No matter how long you have been a Christian, you continue to struggle and strive against it. That's ok. You can stop telling yourself "I should be free of this by now!" or "I should be above all this!" Don't give in to the lie that says your prayers aren't working, and don't let yourself fall into despair. Grace isn't to grant permission to sin, but abounds that you might pick yourself back up and try again.

We will often feel like the there is more Darkness in us than Light, but Christ lives in you and therefore you stand as a candle in the abyss. You shine as a shard of hope in the midst of despair. Though you might not be able to see far, get up and keep going. 

"The Walking Prophet" By Stephen Green II

The wind whistled with a morbid fury over the hood of the car as it cruised down HWY 6. A cacophony of thoughts invaded Jacob's mind as he reflected on the events that had taken place that day.

Suddenly he let out a scream: "Why?!" he yelled. "Why, are You doing this to me, God?! Why did you create me just to make me miserable; to just take everything away from me?!"

Silence.

He began to cry. Then a familiar voice echoed in his head and spoke the words of revelation: you are going to die...

Jacob KNEW his death was near...but how would God do it though? How would He ensure Jacob's demise?

Bullets riddling his body as a local gang shooting him out of impulsiveness and desire for blood? Meteors falling from the sky and bringing the tri-state area crumbing to it's knees? Kim Jong releasing his fury upon the United States and the whole western hemisphere collapsing under the weight of nuclear fallout? Then, as raindrops began to build up on the windshield, his face lit up with the illumination of understanding. "That's it!", he thought to himself.

He could see it in his mind so clearly. The car swerving and swaying in the wind and the tires struggling to keep their grip on the road. The weather conditions were perfect for God's inevitable move to end Jacob's life! His car would spin out of control and into the side of the bridge. He would let out a scream as the water below sped towards him, and right as the water approached his car he would close his eyes and accept his fate. Then at the  point of impact the airbags...

...deployed, the world began to spin, and Jacob watched the world fade into blackness.

***

A young woman stared at the floor as she sat in the cold waiting room. An old man approached.

"Zoe Johnson?" He said with a crisp, authoritative voice.

She scrambled to her feet, nearly tripping in the process. "Ye-yes, that's me!"

"Hello, my name is Dr. Theo DeVertas. I am one of the surgeons here at St. Benedict's. I am very sorry to tell you this ma'am, but there was nothing we could do. By the time we arrived he was already gone."

"What happened?" asked the young woman with as much strength as she could muster. The doctor stared at her for a moment and searched for words to convey the truth with as much sensitivity as possible. "We aren't really sure as to how it happened," he said. "We thought that maybe he had fallen asleep at the wheel and simply ran off the road, but witnesses report seeing him wide eyed; even looking a bit crazed as he sped past them. I'm sorry to have to tell you this miss, but...but it looks like he may have taken his life by his own hand..."

Zoe couldn't hold back the tears any longer. "I can't believe he would just...I wouldn't have left him if I had..."

"No, no," responded the old surgeon, "Don't be hard on yourself. He chose death. You left him because you had to for your own health."

" What if I had just sacrificed a little more? What if I could have stopped it?! What if...what if I had told him I loved him instead of 'goodbye?'"

"Do you think he would have believed you?"

"No..." she said, gathering her composure and wiping away the tears that flooded her cheeks. "No I don't think he would. No matter how much I tried to show it he always said that I didn't really mean it; that I would leave him. I guess he was right after all..."

"Sounds to me like he brought that upon himself." Replied the doctor. Then, with a flash of wisdom in his eyes he said, "No...you didn't leave him. It sounds to me like he never really let himself have you to begin with."

***

Zoe stared down at the water below. She had driven across this bridge many times, but it never stood out to her as significant until tonight. The waters below her tossed and churned in the wind, beckoning her to come and be one with the river. She thought about her late husband and upon the words of the surgeon.

Guilt and shame came upon her in waves as memories of the argument filled her mind. What the surgeon said was right. She had left for her own health, and in honest for the health of her husband as well. She felt hopeless, and she knew that he had driven her to that, and her hopelessness only continued to further their struggle.

Zoe reflected on all the words that he had spoken concerning the job he would lose, the separation and breaking of their vows, and about him dying as a young man: alone and in despair. She had hoped that time away would help them both to deal with the brokenness of their relationship and that, eventually, they would heal and they would one day be reconciled. She wanted to show him the truth...but now it was too late.

She screamed out in anger, "Why did you have to go and leave me?! I needed you!"

Silence.

She felt it deep in her bones: hopelessness. She heard the voice screaming in the back of her mind "Jump! Jump! Jump!"

She looked up to heaven and said, "God...forgive me."

Then turning her attention again to the torrent below she said, "Jacob...I love you with all my heart. I'm sorry for the pain I caused you and for not being strong enough; for being so dead inside for so long. Today, I choose life. Today, I choose to live for the both of us."

Then she turned her attention back to the road ahead, and just kept walking.

The Power of Words

“Because even the smallest of words can be the ones to hurt you, or save you.” 

                                                 ― Natsuki Takaya

 I don't know about you, but I find that I am often too quick to speak or to text without first examining my heart and my words. The art of speaking is often lost to those who have chosen to bury them within the deepest parts of their soul for the sake of self-preservation. When that person chooses to come out of darkness and into the light, to rip open their sown lips, he finds himself on a journey to self-expression that is wearisome and tedious.

Words are full of meaning. They form us, define us, and betray us. They are the backbone of relationship and of civilization, and the preface to war and heartbreak. I fail consistently in my words. From time to time my words are dramatic, untruthful, demeaning, soul rendering, or even self-destructive. I too often use words for my selfish gain; to manipulate another to do what I want, to make myself sound superior, etc.

But words are also the key to healing, redemption, reconciliation, and encouragement. It is by words that my friends have encouraged me, rebuked me, and brought life and structure to reality. It is by words that God has used me to speak into the lives of others in true and holy ways. It is by words that I am able to begin the process of healing my broken soul and to grow closer to the God of my salvation. The very God who used words to create the universe, to calm raging seas, and to move the hearts of men.

Let us then seek to use our words less flippantly, but instead with great meaning and intentionality; letting God speak to our souls and to filter our words and our thoughts that we might speak life rather than death. To let Christ govern our lips. May truth, love, and purity come from our lips, and may we also know that sometimes it is best to just remain silent...