A few nights ago I found myself lying on my living room couch feeling rather sorry for myself. The reasons many would consider perfectly legit reasons to be sad or upset, but I've been sad and upset over these for quite some time and I was finally reaching the level of "wallowing in self-pity." I started walking around the room, and then noticed a picture of St. Francis on my table. I flipped it over and discovered the following prayer:
In the midst of my weakness, however, God gave me strength and renewed me. Just to make things even better, God-in a great use of irony- takes the man that denied all luxury and gave away his vast riches for the sake of Christ to accomplish something in my life.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
I was struck by the words of St. Francis, and found myself convicted by the Holy Spirit concerning my attitude towards life. In the midst of all that I was going through, I allowed myself to become self-centered, as well as self righteous. I hate it when people who are going through a hard time and start talking about Job, but here we go!
It seems that I am no where near as strong willed as Job was. He endured far more than I can even imagine before falling to self pity, and yet here I am already at that point when I haven't lost a single family member, nor have I lost vast amounts of wealth, and my friends aren't shoving bad theology down my throat-they are shoving theology down my throat...but not bad theology lol.
In the midst of my weakness, however, God gave me strength and renewed me. Just to make things even better, God-in a great use of irony- takes the man that denied all luxury and gave away his vast riches for the sake of Christ to accomplish something in my life.
I had recently been praying that I would learn from testimonies and examples of the Church Fathers and grow in understanding through the actions and teaching of the ancient saints, and God stepped in and did just that. I pray that He continues to teach me and give me strength, for soon I will fail again and crumble under the weight of life's difficulties.
Peace be with you,
Stephen
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