Survivor

"Last Time On..."

In my last post I shared some of my experience as a teen growing up with a less-than-ideal marriage situation. I wanted to follow up on that post with another one that paralleled the first. In this post I wish to share the three elements of my life that kept me going and helped me traverse the waters of adversity.

Before I get to that I'd like to detour a bit.

There are those out there who have chosen to take sides with my parents, and I implore each of you to do so in love and charity for both parties, and with the knowledge that if you only listen to one person's story that you aren't going to get the full picture.

I'm grateful that no one who shouldn't has come to me with inquiries about their marriage, but I'm disappointed in those who should have and didn't. I needed aid, mentoring, and compassion from those older than I and did not find it, even when I sought after it intentionally.

With that said, let's pop on.

"How did you get through it?"

I'm glad you asked!

Teenagedom proved challenging-weighed down by stress and grotesque levels of emotions. I found escape by three means:

1. A bedroom with a door that stayed closed 96% of the time.
2. An ambitious and optimistic youth group.
3. A grocery store within walking distance that served as the perfect first job.

1. The Door

If I was home I was isolating. I used my room as a sanctuary, often thinking of the 10' by 10' space as being a castle in the dark forest of life. A gateway to another world where I could be safe. It helped that it was the most removed from other, high-occupancy rooms.

The moment I heard the very distinct sound of the Toyota pickup entering the driveway, *swoosh, click* door was shut. This didn't eliminate the stress or anxiety brought on by the knowledge of
others' presence or the sound of people moving around the house, but it did dampen a lot. Music covered most of the rest.

Looking back, I can see how my isolation caused destruction of its own kind. I would have been better off finding extra curricular activities such as sports or a social club based around art or photography, etc.

Please note that separating yourself from a bad thing is an excellent start! You cant heal a burn if you keep touching the fire. You need to, however, also find life giving environments and activities that help you heal quicker and be human.

2. Youth Group

While I don't fully accept the theology of my childhood upbringing, I recognize how I received safety and healing because of it. Being Pentecostal was the closest thing to therapy that I could get as a teen whose patriarch wasn't so keen on the idea of counseling. I was able to safely release emotions and pain in an environment that encouraged oral prayers and honest with God. I was also given vision for living and pushed to believe in the possibility of world affected by the gospel; that I could be a part of something bigger and world-changing.

If I could change one thing about this particular aspect of my life, it would be that I would have found mentors to invest in me more thoroughly and intentionally.

3. Work


I've been accused of being a workaholic. I think this is accurate in that I often use work as a means of escape, or as a means of finding value as a person. These are most definitely unhealthy elements of my personality. I'm simply stating that this was a means of survival for me as a teen. It also gave me a strong work ethic and helped me gain money, and favor with my superiors.

Ultimately, the job was a huge help for me and the pros outweighed the cons. Since then I've had to learn to fight off tendencies to become codependent and use work as a crutch for insecurity, but if one holds a proper perspective work can be extremely beneficial for a healthy life.

Here and Now

There are a lot of ongoing issues that my family has faced for longer than I care to calculate. All of which are major contributors to my development as a human and the forming of my worldview. I place significant measures of blame for the struggles that I face on my parents. It wasn't until I left for college and was exposed to so much more diversity of thought and belief that I was able to begin recognizing the gravity of what I endured for so many years. 

Generally speaking, I turned out alright. 

I've been a mentor, leader, writer, and an influence to hundreds of lives. I have helped more people than I can count to live better, healthier lives and only at the age of 27!

It took hard work to get here, and a lot of grace from God to be this person. 

The important part was that I lived to fight another day. I made it to 27 and I continue to grow and learn. Every day propels me onward towards wholeness, and I find myself influenced by my history but not oppressed by it. 

Grace and Peace, 

Stephen

Healthier Environments

This past week I started a second part time job which has definitely added to the craziness of my weekly schedule! I know work as a retail associate in a clothing department store AND a Christian book/music/apparel/knick-knack store. I never imagined myself working in a Christian store, though I suppose it makes more sense than my working in a clothing store! I was a little hesitant about going into another retail job, but I decided that I was going to give it a shot and face it head on; upon doing so I have found myself pleasantly surprised by the difference.

There is a quote from the movie The Departed that goes, "I don't want to be a product of my environment, I want my environment to be a product of me." I deeply love this quote and I reflect these words in my heart, the fact of the matter that even if we live in such a way as to not be driven by our surroundings, we are still highly influenced by them. That being said, I have noticed a significant difference in the environments of the two place of employment. One is incredibly stress-filled, unrewarding, and toxic, while the other is relaxed, cooperative, and encouraging.

The reason for this lies in the philosophies of the owners/CEO's of the two businesses, and there policies on "employee service". One cares nothing about their employees and is more than willing to throw them under the bus for the sake of "numbers" and does not care about the overall health of the company, but rather focuses on the profits to the point of creating policies that will ultimately leave the store in ruins. The Christian bookstore, however, takes the needs of their employees and their customers much more seriously. They take the time to recognize the strengths of their employees. They create a work environment that utilizes teamwork rather than creating an atmosphere of "competition" and encouraging sale-sharking.

The fact is that environment is one of the key elements in our growth and development. It is the job of business owners and employers to create the healthiest environment possible for their employees, as it is also the task of parents to provide the healthiest environment for their children, and a priest for his parish. The environment that we live in will always affect us, no matter how strong-willed we are.

I am incredibly grateful that God has provide me with this realization and for a place that provides a healthier environment for me to work and to grow. I hope that soon I will be able to completely remove the unhealthy environment from my life.

I would encourage any who read this to please, examine your life and ask yourself "Am I in a healthy environment?" and if not "Can I change this and make my environment healthier?" If you fond that you are unable to make your environment healthy...then perhaps it's time for a move (literally or metaphorically). There is a time to stand and a time to run, and the hard part is knowing the difference.

Grace and Wisdom,

Stephen

Failing with Community

Last week I was talking to a close friend and he was expressing a great deal of pain over having  lost a job that he put forth a significant amount of effort and time to keep. He refused to tell anyone in the church he was attending or any of his closest friends in the area, save for me, what had happened. There in a car steadily cruising down 4th street, he spilled many bitter tears and he said, "I can't face them...I can't tell them that I failed."

As I sat in the car with him I felt my heart break with him. Sadly, I had not the words to encourage him. In fact, it seemed as though he simply would not hear the words I had to say. Sentences worked their way past my teeth as I tried to share and partake in his burden, to be there with him, but every time  I was thwarted in my attempt at being a friend and member of his community with words of pain that stated "you don't understand!", "I'm not like you, I'm not as smart as you", "I can't let them know, I just can't!", etc. It is not a shocker though. This is a common issue. I've seen this my entire life, and I have often behaved the same way. How do you tell the people you love and respect that you failed? How do you face disappointing those you look up to?

There lies a flaw in our understanding of relationship and community. In fact, the answer to my friend's struggle was simple. He merely had to remember that the ones that he held close in community love him. That's huge! It makes all the difference in the world to remember that the ones we love do love us in return. If they do not love us and respect us, then what reason have we to want to please them? And if they truly love us, then why must we fear their response at our failing?

Failure is an element of life that everyone experiences and every one hates, but not everyone deals with it well. I have personally struggled with the harshness of failure, even though since I was but a child I have struggled and fought to avoid failure. Sadly this left me refusing to partaking in activities or taking risks because of my fear of failure and overwhelming desire to avoid it.

Community-true community- exists as a living organism of relationship and love. This means that community is our primary source of support when we do fail, and if community fails to be there for us in the darkest eras of our lives, then it is a false community. Know and be known-that is the prerogative of community. If we are their for others in their pains, but refuse to share our own then we are knowing but not being known. Community shares the joys and the sufferings of life; not just the joys. If we choose not to share our sufferings with our communities, then we are guilty of denying them the fullness of ourselves in community; we become the wound, the void in that living organism. We deny them the right of knowing us fully, but even worse is the denial of the opportunity to be Christ in our lives!

If my friend could move past his fear and his pride, he could be dwelling in a place of security, safety, and love. Now, don't think I'm being insensitive to my friend. I recognize how hard it is to open up and be vulnerable, and I'm glad that he shared his pain with me! It is important to understand, however, that if he would only reach out to the rest of his community in which he has previously been so intimately connected with, he would experience the healing and support of community that is of Christ; through which Christ would speak to his heart and bring him life, encouragement, and love! I speak from experience in this matter, having refused to turn to others in the midst of darkness. As a result, I suffered more than was necessary and left myself susceptible to prolonged, undue sorrow; discouragement; and loneliness.

Remember, if your community truly loves you then they will want to be there for you! In fact, they might even find themselves hurt by your refusing to share. If they are not willing to be their for you or show you live, then it is time to recognize that you are in a false community and it is time to move on to find a true community of believers.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Simply "Just"

I have noticed a pattern in my thinking when it comes to my thinking about life and in my practice of self-examination. Whenever I have a problem and I am trying to work out a reasoning or solution, I have consistently used the word "just" in my statements. I will saying thing like 'Oh, it's just _____" or "I'm just being _____" or "I need to just do _____ and everything is fine." I consistently give in the temptation to over simplify by saying "just".

The issue of my word usage goes a step further. In my usage of the unjustly used word "just" I not only just simplify the issue at hand, but also diminish it's importance or significance! This is hindrance to my problem solving as it very deceptive in nature. The question I must now ask is, in what other ways have I done this? In what ways have a over simplified or diminished the importance of? Sadly, I think there are many ways that I have done this. Even more so, I think I'm seeing this pattern in American culture, and even in the Church. 

We see this flaw in a lot of the "soul care" that is performed by many of our pastors. Many telling those under their care that they "just need to pray and read their Bibles" or that "it's just a sin issue" and they "just need to repent of that sin", while many times there is a much deeper need that isn't being met. Our families even fall prey to this dark reality in the way parents might address family issues and in training their children. 

We must be careful not to allow ourselves to underestimate the significance of the difficulties and temptation we face, not that which our friends and family members face as well. To not give proper attention and energy to a matter is an injustice, and even sinful, way of treating ourselves and others. Additionally, we must recognize that solutions are rarely ever simple. They are almost always complex and will take time to overcome or solve, if either is ever actually achieved at all. It is a part of the incredible, multifaceted journey to sanctification and wholeness that we all must undertake as followers of the Christ. 

As ministers of the souls of humanity, let us strive not to look down upon the struggles and difficulties of our brothers and sisters, but instead let us hold them with grace; bearing the patience and grace to listen, and to listen well. Lives are at stake; souls that need wholeness and the Light of Christ. 

Simplicity has it's place and it's beauty. Simplicity is real and even needed, but the we must not lose truth and logic in our desire to simplify. It is nice to think that solutions are easy and can be quickly conjured, but if we allow ourselves to think this way then we hinder our healing and restoration as well as the healing an restoration of others. Recognizing that wholeness is often a difficult and complex journey is important for us to accept if we are to carry on and endure the hardship; to resist the weight of discouragement and the sorrow of slow progress. 

I pray that we may all grow to help others and to give ourselves in love, and listen with sincerity and intent to those around us who also suffer from the darkness of sin and it's consequences. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

"What's in it for me?"

Have you ever asked this question? Of course you have! Even if it wasn't spoken aloud, at one point or another this question entered your thoughts and, more than likely, affected a decision or two. Self-centeredness is a critical flaw in humanity, and is often a factor in our lives.

So why are you a Christian? You might be like the majority of the American Christian society and just be a self-centered follower; just wanting to get out of Hell and hoping for a bit of health, wealth, and prosperity on side. If you are going to church and serving God for these reasons, then you are not honoring God and living the full Christian life. Now, before you get all defensive, let me say that I do not believe that your sorry butt isn't saved or covered by Grace. I'm saying that you are a fallen creature and are in need of correction and spiritual growth.

I must, therefore, pose this question: if there was no promise of Heaven or eternal life, would you still serve and love the one, true God of the universe? Would you worship the One who is worthy of worship even if He didn't give you what you wanted?

I believe we should show thanks and gratitude for what He has done for us, for if He had not saved us we would not be able to worship Him and love Him because sin would have overtaken us. If, however, that was all God chose to do, if He never promised a "here after" would you still be "Christian."

If Joel Osteen is finally and His heretical teaching are brought screaming into the Light of Truth, will you falter? Will you serve?

Again, I'm not saying that if you came to Christ with a mindset of "I want to be saved from Hell" that are not saved. I'm saying that we must now move past that and on toward true love and devotion of God that is selfless. It is a goal that I think is all but impossible to reach, but I hope to be able to reach it one day. Let us strive together as one body to rid ourselves of our sin and to move towards purity of heart and soul. For there are a thousand reasons why people have yielded to the beckoning call of Christ and all are in need of the transforming work of the Spirit. God Did not call us to get pure and then come and be counted as the redeemed. No, we were counted among the redeemed and then God said "come to me and be made pure."