Staying Faithful

There are nights when loneliness is so thick that even the intimacy of strangers seems oddly enticing. Days come and go where the thought of abandoning my calling and seeking my own fulfillment and satisfaction lay heavy on my mind. I feel the wretched jealousy in my heart over things that I have chosen to reject for the sake of holiness; for the sake of a God who too often I do not feel or hear.

In the 26 years I have been upon this Earth I cannot remember a time when I did not believe in God, but I can think of many times when I did not trust Him, and even more when I did not believe that He loved me.

Even in the midst of those dark times I some how managed to stay consistent in my church attendance and in my prayers.

Truthfully I think this says more about God than it doesn't about me. I know too much of my own heart and the wickedness inside. While many think that I'm good man, I know differently. Yet somehow...somehow I stay in the Light.

Sin crouches and chases after my heart. It is only grace that keeps me from falling into it again and again. The hardest thing for me to admit recently was that there are sins I don't want to yield, that I don't want to hand over. I want to cheat on God. Yet it is my desire to stay faithful to Him that keeps me form doing so, even if it's just barely enough.

I imagine that this is what marriage is like for many. The great war of desire and the struggle to choose the one you love and committed yourself too over choosing your own selfish desires.

So once again I sit here in full acknowledgement of my wicked heart and my desire to live in sin and say, "God...forgive me and help me to love You. Have mercy on me and change my heart because I sure as Hell don't want to do it myself."

Grace and Peace,

Stephen 

At the Heart of the Matter

It's hard to love people well some days. After giving a thousand reminders to complete one task or another, giving all that you have just to hear someone say that it isn't enough, or redirecting a student for the same thing that you have had to redirect him for every day for the past month it can become borderline impossible to love people.

You ask, "Am I not loved? Am I not wanted?"

Trap set. Slowly step in. Snagged. 

Pride and self-service engaged. 

When I'm really tired and facing the trials of residential service, I have a tendency to reach a point where I stop focusing on why I'm in the industry to begin with. I lose motivation and become locked up in myself. "I don't get enough off time", "I'm not appreciated for what I do so obviously I'm not needed or wanted here", and "I'm not being supported" are all cries for help that actually dance around the real issues at hand. I hear staff say it all the time, but the fact is that even after 2 years of working in the same field I too still fall into that same trap they do. 

I make the mistake of misplacing the source of my own value and I too forget the reason I move half way across the country: to love and serve teens in need. 

Not a simple or incredibly joy-filled position really. It's easy to love destitute, impoverish children in foreign lands for a week, but middle to upper class white boys with entitlement and a set of clothes valued higher than your monthly pay for months and months at a time? Nah. 

That's rough. There isn't glory and prestige in that. There is often very little recognition for it either. But it is beautiful and needed. The important things usually come with some form of discomfort.

Just as the farmer battles the Sun and pestilence & the sea-man wars against the wind and the waves, so must I navigate the struggles of loving others in spite of their false-beliefs and tendencies to cave into negative peer pressure.

Do I feel unappreciated? Yes. Is that the real issue? No. The real issue is that I'm tired and I really just want to see that all my effort isn't for nothing. I want to know that I'm spending my time and energy well and not wasting anything. I want to know that my boys are going to go back to their homes and live successful lives and be happy, and I want to enjoy the fullness of community and relationship with them and others around me. Those are the real issues.

Ultimately I crave to love others well, and when I remember that and set my heart back in line I find that I do just that. Then I am healthy; then I am happy.

Grace and Peace,
Stephen

Until Morning

Loneliness hits when you least expect it sometimes. Like a sudden storm, it moves in and overtakes the skies; blocks out the sun...

I sometimes feel like a fraud at work, telling my kids that there is hope; telling them to keep going and to push through when I myself am at war with my heart to stay hopeful and to not give up.

Tonight I find myself in the midst of that familiar storm. I've weathered it before, but it still catches me off guard even after having experienced it so many times. 

It sucks. Sometimes it takes all you have just to not grow cold and to not succumb to it's power. My wicked heart demands relief. Temptation to look up porn, to fantasize, to wallow in my sorrows, to cycle through old thoughts of self-hatred. etc come creeping in. It's in moments like these when I feel like God isn't listening or that He doesn't care. I know it isn't true. My life has been proof of that, but the feeling is still there and it overrides my logic. 

I hide it from my students, but I too am insecure, hurting, lonely, and craving for love and purpose. 

I know that God will see me through. I know that God is here in this moment. I have had many moments, even recently, when He made Himself known to me and stepped in. He loves me. 

Loneliness is here for the night and she will will be my guest, but I know that she will not stay long. God will always come in to help me pick up the mess she left behind and help putting things in order again. 

"Sorrow will last for the night...but joy comes with the morning."

On Eagles' Wings

When you're a kid, and the world is small, it is easy to imagine that you can make a difference; that you can save the world. Which is ironic cause most kids can't tell you why the world needs saving. They just know it does.

When I was young I fantasized about being a hero. I imagined that I could fly--that I could sweep in and save someone from harm and take them away to my secret hideout in the side of a mountain where nothing evil could reach it.

As I grew older and my world changed, I began to daydream that that same safe haven wasn't so safe. Family situations began to develop and my ability to comprehend the dysfunction started to shake the paradigms that I had developed within my concrete, 5-year-old mind. In my imaginary world I found that I would have to defend my sanctuaries against attack. Regardless, the place I had conjured in my mind was safe because I fought to keep it safe. Looking back as an adult, I can see the direct correlation between my imagination to my real life issues that I was trying to process out through story.

By the time I was a teenager, my imagination begat fewer and fewer beautiful realities and replaced them with stories of pain and struggle. Stories that didn't always turn out "happily ever after." And everything around me screamed that this...this was normal.

                                                                               ***

There is darkness and suffering. That's undeniable. It's everywhere we look. The beauty of the Gospel is that all can (and will) be redeemed! Christ, our great hope, is the foundation for believing and chasing after a world that is filled with peace and unity! In Christ, we can dare to believe that the impossible can happen; to believe that skin color, gender, and a thousand human variables don't have to divide us and that, in Christ, they won't!

Behold! the Light has come and the darkness cannot understand it!

***

Life has a tendency to clip our wings and strip us of our armor. It's easy to fall into the trap of hardship and despair; to forget that as kids we once flew above the tree and fought against ghosts and goblins. We have grown cold in our elder years with the pain of love and loss. The kingdom of elves has been closed off. The land of golden rivers and sapphire tress has all but vanished. 

"It's time to grow up", they say, not even knowing what they mean or why. 

Should growing up mean that we lose our wonder or that hope must be tucked away in a chest like it's just another child's toy that is no longer relevant or acceptable to play with? 

What would happen if we allowed ourselves the opportunity to hope again? to hope for a unified and peaceful humanity? to dare to believe that we can put an end to racism? to live in a world where border control wasn't needed or travel warning lists could all be burned?

What if we dared to believe that we could fly?

Body and Spirit

Recently I picked up a book that I had read through with my pastors back in Knoxville called "Sacred Rhythms." While I had read most of the book, there was a couple of sections that I just skimmed through to keep up with the group, and now I wish I hadn't.

The chapters I just read were concerning the theology of the body and the art of self-examination. While I thought I had a pretty good grasp of both concepts, it seems that God had a lot to say to me concerning both of these matters.

Concerning the Body: The belief of total separation of physical health from spiritual health is a trap we can easily fall into. One usually affects the other in a significant way. My physical health affects my spiritual, and my spiritual hinders my desire and motivation for physical health. The cycle continues.

It is also no secret that I am not a huge fan of the DNA that I've been given. Between my brother and other people often making fun of my red hair or my nearly translucent skin, along with other natural/general insecurities, I have not wanted to care for the body that God gave me. As a child or teen I never learned to appreciate the body I have. I never saw the grace that had been given to me or the value that I was bestowed. The focus was always outward, noting that others could tan, that both my siblings were blessed with a kinder metabolism, etc.

God gave me life. He gave my physical form, muscle, color, strength, senses, etc and yet I have not shown Him the gratitude that He is due. Furthermore, I have neglected to appreciate creation in a way that only my physical body can! The taste of water, the feeling of grass, and the brushing of the wind are all examples of things God granted as experiences for us that I often take for granted.

A few months ago I had a friend who ran into my house and excitedly shared her joy in the fact that it was down-pouring rain outside. She insisted that I come stand in the rain with her and dance in it. Moved by her passion I emptied my pockets of anything that might be damaged and ran outside. Even though there were others watching, we didn't care about whether we looked like fools or not. God had given us a gift and we weren't going to miss out!

The Art of Self-Examination: Recognizing that body and Spirit are connected is the first step, but then being aware of the health of both is a wholly different issue. having aware requires focus and time. Neither of which I really like to give when I'm tired. I'm always tired.

Being exhausted often feels like the number one requirement/qualification of my job (residential leadership) and when it comes down to it, the thing I need most I want to do least. This weekend, however, God drew me into a place where meditation was possible (and necessary) and helped me to begin examining my heart and my mind. I doubt I'll ever be a master of self-examination because of the level of discipline and honest it takes, but I'm getting there!

The honesty part is probably the hardest for me. I don't like to see the good in me. Why? No frapping clue. There are some aspects of the bad I don't like to be honest about either.

So here is a confession. This weekend I've experienced a lot of jealous/envy. Jealous of how others look, how fit they are, how tall they are, the relationships they have with our students, etc. I often have to be the "bad guy" at work and I rarely get the benefits that I used to as Mentor rather than as an Assistant House Director. I have been jealous of my staff and even felt a measure of bitterness in hearing their complaints as I take the junk and they get the love, support, and appreciation that often seems lacking in my own life. That's not fair to them though. In the midst of my examination, God drew my attention to this reality and revealed to me how it has been affecting the way I think, feel, and behave.

I love people. A lot. I give all that I can and often that gets overlooked. I find myself torn between trying to live without any need for appreciation and the hard truth that I do, in fact, NEED appreciation. We all do.

All that to say, if I had not taken the time to examine my heart and see where I was at, I couldn't ever address it. I couldn't begin the steps I needed to healing this part of my life and I couldn't ask for help. I couldn't express my need to those who needed to know/wanted to know. In turn my spiritual, mental, and emotional state would continue to degrade and, as a result, so would my physical state. I would not have the energy to try or the ability to focus. Etc.

Give and Take: Having addressed both of these issues, my goal now is to integrate this knowledge into my daily living. I am seeking to take better care of my body and my spirit by bringing both physical and spiritual discipline higher up on my list of priorities. I can't help others if I'm not also seeking to help myself.

I always tell my students "Give more than you take, but never give in order that you can take." The reality is that I have to take to be able to give. I have to take care of myself to give care to others. My ratio of loving others will always be higher than for myself but I still need to care for myself. In the midst of that I never want to become entitled and think that I have earned/deserve love and care just because I give both. I don't love others to make them love me. I love and let love. I have students that I care for who couldn't care less about me, but that shouldn't hinder me from caring about who they are or for their well being, only what I invest and how much I invest in the relationship.

Lastly, giving care often helps us to give care to ourselves. I have often found that in helping another resolve an issue in their life was exactly what God wanted me to do in order to resolve an issue in my own. God reveals a lot to us through the lives of others. So just as we must take care, we absolutely must give care as well.

Can you imagine what life would be like if the entire world lived out this concept?

Grace and Peace,
Stephen 

Brothers in Humanity

Every few months we get new staff at work. We hire in bulk three times a year and train them as "classes." With each class comes a new set of faces, personalities, giftings, and struggles. Each one bringing to the table the light and darkness-the sin and the Spirit-that is embedded within every Christian.

Hurt, pain, insecurity, pride, stubbornness, bitterness, the list goes on extensively. It's irritating!

Looking at the struggles of my students, teammates, friends, and those that I would consider even family, I can sometimes find myself frustrated with them and their shortcomings. Impatient and ungracious towards their needs and struggles.

Christ said to love our enemies. He challenged the status quo and demanded that love be shown even to those who we don't like or agree with. "Love your neighbors" is one of the many coined phrases of Christianity, yet those same Christians turn their back on the impoverished and war torn souls that need help.

I have needed help, and in in my need I forgot to see other people's needs. Mine eyes are turned inward to my own pain and I have began to "self-care" in an isolated and unloving way. A reality that God made very clear to me recently.

I had a student in my English class in Amman that made a big impact on how I viewed other people. "We are brothers in humanity", he would say to me. The words loom over me like a ghost and my soul stirs in response. It's a sobering and humbling experience to receive true, biblical wisdom from a Muslim. Reflecting on the environment I'm living/working in, I find those words affecting me still.

These men and women that I work with are my brothers and sisters. They are mine and I am theirs. My team. My family. My people. How could I be intolerant of the sin in them when it's so clearly embedded in me? When they endure my own? (and they definitely do!) How can I neglect their needs and their craving for love and support when I know so intimately the needs and desires in me?

As a new team comes to join us at Shelterwood this week, my prayer is this:

"Lord, bind us together in brotherhood and sisterhood. humble us to be loving and caring for each other just as You humbled Yourself for the sake of our souls. Tighten us together and teach us to hear form each other and to heal together, to be light to one another. Help us to find rest and support in our 'family' and let us not be unloving. Amen"


Grace and Peace,
Stephen

After Two Years of Residential Work

The purpose of this post isn't to really convey or teach a particular topic. The purpose of this post is to share a little of my life with you and maybe help someone going through a rough time in ministry.

Two years ago I moved out to Kansas City, MO out of a desire to show love to troubled teens and to sacrifice my self (my time, energy, and resources) to try and bring hope and to share the Gospel of Christ. So why am I so often surprised by the difficulty and struggle that I experience? I knew that I wasn't wanted by those I went to minister to. It made the choice more difficult, but I felt like it was a needed element in my life. like it was something God was pushing me towards.

Since then I've had an evolution of form and function in the work place. I grew and became more experienced. I took on the call to move into a leadership role and to train and mentor staff to do that which I had done as a Mentor myself. Having done a year of both being a Mentor and being an Assistant House Director, I can say that I am nowhere near where I want to be, I've grown in ways I never could have expected, and I'm still not able to live a life void of my own struggles and flaws.

In college I had plenty of pastors and professors tell me that ministry was difficult, especially youth ministry. That always confused me. I never understood how they could say what they did. How could they always talk about being tired, stressed, and feeling ineffective. Now I do. If I can spend months and months with a student, seeing them 70-some-odd hours a week and feel completely useless and ineffective, then I can't imagine what someone who only gets a few hours a week with their students feel.


Lately I have wrestled with feeling completely ineffective and being unappreciated. Everyone who works at Shelterwood wrestles with this. Despite my best efforts to help others feel supported, I never seem to get them there. One of the areas that I failed in was sharing my own suffering and pain. I kept quiet and bottled up all the hurt and pain I felt so to not add to everyone else, but what I did was rob others of being able to be there for me.

When I was a Mentor, I would often share a little of my struggle with my students and it helped to build the relationship. It helped me to get things off my chest that were less sensitive things, and it allowed my students to know what it felt like to be there for others and to feel valued. Somewhere along the way I stopped doing that. I felt a responsibility not to; like it was a requirement of my current position to suffer in silence and alone.

After many months of doing this, I now feel overwhelmed and far from "ok."

God's way of helping me has been the opposite of what I've wanted. He has forced me to open up with others and talk about what lies beneath. He has been humbling me by leading me to share my burdens and to be honest about things that I am embarrassed about.

I've been able to get away for a few days and the distance has been helpful in taking some of the mental and emotional weight off of my shoulders, but it's not enough. I've been pushing against a wall and trying to do it without help. Two years of residential
work, and taking in all the second-hand trauma, has taken it's toll on me and worn me out.

I'm angry. I'm hurting. I don't live perfectly and I'm still working out this whole healing thing. They say that salvation isn't works based, but God sure seems to be pushing me to do a lot of stuff. Christianity isn't meant to be as lazy and relaxed as pastors preach it in the pulpits.

To those of you out there saying "just sit back and watch God work", please just stop. God isn't a circus or a movie to be just "watched" and entertained by.

There is no resolve to this post. Sorry if that cuts you a little bit. There are no Christian cliches that can accurately minister to your pain or mine. It's takes something more than cute words and "reading the Word" to make the world ok. We walk and we fight because God gave us purpose and He told us to keep going. He told us that He is coming for us so to keeping moving towards Him. Light comes when we least expect it. Grace always comes just in time.

Please know that if you are suffering you aren't alone. You aren't the only one. Many have come before us and succeeded, and so shall we. God will see us through, but we can't give ourselves over to our enemies before He does. Fight with me. Fight with me until the stars collapse and the Earth melts into itself. 

Bloody Religion

A lot of people out there what Christianity to be nice, clean, and efficient, like the office of a major CEO. I used to be one of those people. Reality is, for most of us, that Christianity is anything but clean. It's a bloody operating table and we are just laying on it with our chest ripped open as we wait for the transplant that will rescue us from certain destruction.

It's not clean. It's not prim and proper. It's Christ pouring out his blood to cleanse and cover our mutilated souls that so very much prefer darkness over light.

As a kid I thought I could get by sitting in the examination room. Blinded by the demonic distractions of anti-ritualism and hyper-focus on spiritual encounters and "spreading the gospel" I missed my own desperate need. I didn't just need to be examined and be diagnosed. The diagnose had been in since I was born. I needed action. I needed change.

Don't get me wrong. I was a good kid. I was a faithful Christian even since I was young; my heart was caught up in the spiritual things of God and His scriptures. That might be the worst place to be in. There was a certain young ruler spoken of in the Gospels who wasn't so different. Hell, Saul (later Paul) was similar in this aspect. Though the law of God and the desire for things of the Spirit were
there, there was something missing for the three of us.

I may not have been a murderous, cussing little deviant, but I was broken nonetheless. I had sin in my heart and it manifested in very different ways.

News flash: I still do.

Despite a degree in Christian Ministry and years of youth ministry work, I'm still very much a tainted soul. I wrestle with pride and selfishness constantly! I shows in my work, it shows in my struggle to get up on Sundays and celebrate Eucharist with my fellow believers, and it shows in my negative thought patterns.

I work so hard to combat the darkness in my soul and it's draining! Still I can't overcome, no matter how hard I fight to keep my thoughts captive or how much time I spend in prayer and meditation. Why? I'm relying to much on my own immune system to drive out the sickness inside, but I simply cannot do it alone.

As I pray, I am reminded of my need for Christ. That is one of the prime points of Christianity: I can't do it along, I NEED Christ.

Yes, we are required to put in the soul work, but even more importantly we need to yield ourselves to the cleansing work of Christ in us and let Him do the real work in us.

We do this by being in Christian community, by committing ourselves to spiritual disciplines, to actively choosing each day to live for others and not ourselves, and by participation in Holy Eucharist, by which the Divine Spirit comes and works in us with grace and power.

Though it is painful, until we yield ourselves completely to Christ we will never be free and sin will slowly eat away at our hearts until we are consumed in darkness.

So take me hand and squeeze tight. Get on the surgery table, brace yourself, and let go of your control. We will do this together...


Grace and Peace,
Stephen

"In Blackest Night"

3:30 AM is fast approaching and I feel tired, but sleep evades me. I can't shut my mind off! Unable to pin down my thoughts and escape the welling emotions I had no choice but to get out of bed and walk. I am restless.

Tonight I feel the looming presence of an old enemy, or was he my friend? Looking back I think I acted as if both were true.

Depression...that blasted distant relative you don't expect to show up then suddenly you look up to find sitting at your dinner table.

I'm nearing two years of residential care, proceeded by years of volunteer youth min work and internships and a degree in loving people....and yet I too continue to struggle with the very things I'm helping my students go through. I'm often able to see depression coming and am able to ignore him when he comes ringing the doorbell...but there are some nights when I open the door without checking and by the time I know it's him it's too late to slam the door in his face!

I sit in the uncertainty of the future, and even of the present.

I wrestle with my sense of value and worth, and I ask God to help me now. In the midst of my pain, I pray that He reaches down and touches my broken, aching heart.

If you're out there feeling this way and reading this, please...please don't give up. Don't give into the darkness that seeks to seduce you and break your spirit. Fight with me. Fight against all shadows.

Open up and let the light in....it's going to be ok.

Grace and Peace,
Stephen

My Thesis

One of the most difficult part of writing for me is finding continuity and thesis. I can barely stay on one subject or create a work that isn't going a thousand directions! Every time I send my stuff to my friend Chase, I get the same question. "Where are you trna go with this???" and then he would say "You are saying a lot of good stuff about a lot of different things....what's your thesis?"

UGH! IT'S INFURIATING!

Not Chase, but continually having to hear those same words over and over to bring me back in mine and set me on the proper course (Gah that will preach!).

SEE! Even now my mind is drawn a thousand directions trying to decide what to write about!

Here's what I'm getting at though. At the end of the day, when it's all said and done, what is the thesis of my life?

Okay okay. Hokey I know but seriously?! God has intent for my life, and so do I! There is something that I'm aiming for in life, and the reality is that I am all over the place outside of my mind as much as I am in! Take a list of my goals and aspirations and you would see that I'm all over the place there as well!

What is my thesis?!

Chase, where are you?! You are supposed to set me back in line here!

Haha, but seriously where do I want my life to go? What cause do I want to uphold? What is the one thing I want to be remembered for? to leave behind as a legacy?

Over the last three weeks, this has been theme of my convictions, meditations, and prayers.

I think I've got it. The books I'm reading, the sermons I stumble into, the conversations that I have all point towards something burning in my soul.

I want, when it's all said and done and I lie in my grave, that I will be remembered for reflecting the heart of Christ both in justice and in grace, but more importantly in love. I want my love to so deeply and thoroughly consume my life that all that whoever I interact with are consumed with understanding of God's justice and His overcoming grace!

That...that's my thesis: to live, and live fully in the light of the Holy, life-giving cross.

Grace and Peace,
Stephen

Darkness and Starlight

There is a yearning and an aching in seeing a single star in the night sky. It is the whispering of hope that there is light in the midst of our great darkness and there is a greater light to come. Nature screams out to us the truths of God, the ever growing anticipation of reconciliation yet to be completed.

I see darkness every day and I see the pain that lies behind the eyes of dozens of teenagers and, though they dare not utter the words, I hear their souls crying "Help....please just help..." They crave the same reconciliation that all of Creation screams. They crave the healing and wholeness of a world restored and they do not know where to find it, or even where to begin looking.

There was a time when my heart ached and I thought myself broken beyond repair. I thought that I was doomed to shadows; to darkness and pain. I thought I would never find life and that there was no hope anywhere. I went to Church constantly, just trying to find a shred of something that might give me a reason to believe that there was purpose in my pain. I prayed for death often and begged God to end what I thought was a worthless, useless life. He said, "No...let there be Light."

I work hard to love these teenagers because I know of the craving for light in the darkness and I know the difficulty of life in pain without knowing where to turn. I know that God was with me and that He is with my students. I know that He loves them and will never give up on them, and that He asks me to do the same.

We at Shelterwood have been called to live in a dark place that we might know the light Christ in a way we never could before, and in that knowledge we have become a beacon of that light. Daily we struggle to keep going, to yield our hearts and our pride and be what these students need, and by the grace of God we continue to succeed.

Whatever darkness you face, whatever pain resides within your soul, know that God is always with you. There is something that I have found true and often share with my boys. There is Light...there is always Light...even if it's a single star. Let the Light fill you, pick up your mat, and walk.

Grace and Peace,
Stephen

A Message in a Bottle

I recently bought a book called "500 Writing Prompts." The first page challenged me to write a "message in a bottle" and I found myself surprised by what I had written. Truthfully I think I might send out a message in a bottle one day. I might write a message and send it forth to be found in the hands of another person that I have never met, and probably never will.

I've decided to share what I wrote on here. Enjoy!

"Dearly beloved, I pray that this message finds you well. If not, know that all nights end and all winters come to a close. I have written you this letter, though I know you not. If you are reading this, then it is by the hand of God that it has reached you in this moment. I have lived a hard yet fulfilling life. I have given all that I can for the benefit of others, even to the point of self-deprivation. 

"My friend, it is a beautiful and noble thing to live in sacrifice and service to others. You will never find something more fulfilling. But learn from my mistakes and don't forget to love yourself. Lift others up, but do not push yourself down. 

"There is Light...there is always Light. Do not let yourself become distracted by the oncoming shadows for they cannot have victory unless you give it. Sure, there is more darkness in life, but it will never be strong enough to overcome the Light. 

"I hurt, but I endure. I am alone, but I continue to love despite the pain of rejection. May strength flood you bones, and life fill your veins. 

"I bless you in the name of God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit."

With Great  Love,

Stephen D Green II

Grace and Peace. 

Dealing With Compassion Fatigue and Second-hand Trauma

I'm exhausted. My friends know it. I know it. I am pretty sure my staff know it.

                     I

                                         Am

Tired. 

I've been doin' this residental thing for quite some time now and It's been taxing my energy since day one. I'm not sure when, but at some point I found that the very thing that gave me drive suddenly became my enemy: compassion. 

I have often heard the term "compassion fatigue" throughout my year as a Mentor/Big Brother but it never seemed to quite fit with what I was going through. At least, not until recently. 

This morning I had a new term added to my residential vocabulary. That term would be "second-hand trauma." UGH!!! That hit me like Batman blocking a Superman punch! 

Second-hand trauma works very much like second-hand smoking. You may not be the one with the cigarette, but it still gets in your lungs if you're present. You may not have been the one experiencing the trauma, but through exposure to the traumatized individual and their radiating pain you too begin to experience the pain of the trauma. I can more than easily say that I have personally added traumatization to my life through my exposure of multiple traumatized students (and staff). The more I pour myself out for them and the more time I spend getting close to them, the more I am exposed to that smoke. 

The terms "compassion fatigue" and "second-hand trauma" are completely related. It is the combination of the two that causes my bones to ache and my eyes to sit heavy in their sockets. Fill up, turn, pour, empty, sleep, repeat. This is the cycle of most in ministry, and so very much so for those in my line of work.

Maybe you understand that. Maybe you have been in ministry (or maybe you have a a dysfunctional family that you keep fighting to love) and you keep giving and giving to those who seem utterly ungrateful for your; you are surrounded by the weight of others with all their their trauma, poor choices, and pain.  Fill up, turn, pour, empty, sleep, repeat. It get's old after a while. And chances are that you aren't doing the whole "fill up" part very well. 

 Isn't compassion one of the key elements of being a Christian? How can it be taxing and leaving me dry? How do you keep going when you feel like you can't anymore?

" I know I'm filled to be emptied again. The seed I receive, I will sow..."

 -Hillsong                                 

Being filled and emptied is a natural cycle of ministry, but that doesn't make it easy. It also doesn't mean that you are supposed to never stop and rest. Compassion is beautiful, but like everything else in our lives it has it's limitations. Here are some important things that I've learned about dealing with compassion fatigue and second-hand trauma. 

Recognize and acknowledge. I say both together because both are essential. Identifying the issue in your heart and being willing to acknowledge it are both necessary to do the work needed to achieve rest and healing. Ignoring a wound leads to infection, not healing. 

Give yourself grace to hurt. There is nothing wrong with being in need of rest. Not being ok is a natural result of any person who pours themselves out. Stop beating yourself up for being tired when your being tired is evidence of your compassion and love. Christ grew tired and felt pain over those He exuded energy towards. Why wouldn't it be any different for us?

Retreat and Rest. Get yourself some space and relax. This is the one that I most struggle with! I struggle to disconnect from my work and, in the end, I never get the rest I need. As a result, I am far less productive than I could be. Retreat doesn't mean isolation, but it means disconnecting from the struggle long enough to reset your mind, and it means getting the measure of solitude that you need as well. 

I am ever being challenged in this area of my life. Don't give up my dear friend. If there is anything that I know for sure is that God is with you and He is going to see you through, He will be your supplement and strength when you have nothing left. I also know that He wants you to go and rest. 

So what are you waiting for? Go and rest. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Cafe Providence

As I walked down the icy street back to my car I reflected on my morning. Twice on the matter of hours I had gone to meet up with someone who hadn't shown up. My Tuesday wasn't going ANYTHING like I planned.

Let's back up about an hour. I was sitting in the most cliche of places for providence to smack me in the face: Cafe Gratitude. Who on Earth would choose such a name?! (I have to admit though...for a vegan restaurant it was pretty darn good!) I sat and waited for the pastor form the church that I have been visiting to show up. I eyed the door constantly and thought to myself "surely this won't happen twice in one morning..." It did. I drew a tree of life in my art pad and I wrote a reflection in my note pad concerning Christian spirituality and Celtic druidry. Still no pastor. I ate and after an hr and a half...I left.  

Little did I know that moment was to be an object of inspiration for the couple weeks that followed.

Gratitude. I saw it on the signs. It was a word that echoed in my heart and I simply couldn't escape it. I thought about it and I came to the realization that I don't often express the gratitude that I have for big things that change the course of my day in positive manner. Worse yet I forget to be grateful for the small, every day things that I have and experience. 

So I wrote a list

Great food (The irony of the restaurant lol) 

Friends

Meetings being rescheduled

My students

Love

Communication

Relationships

Independence 

Sleep 

Hunger and the ability to find and feel satisfaction from food

Thirst and the ability to find and feel satisfaction from water

Coffee

Movies

Artists

Priests/Pastors

Trust

Etc etc etc!

Even though my day appeared to be going wrong, it turned out to be a life lesson that was greatly needed. My week was vastly improved by the providential moment. Ironically, the pastor came in but couldn't see me anywhere! I in return looked for him but never saw him walk in the door. An unfortunate circumstance, but one that led to my own growth. For that....I am grateful.

Grace and peace.

Stephen