Girls, Growth, and Grace

I remember it clearly: It was 2008. America was over. A new president had been elected. It was a clear sign that the "end" was here. The Great Tribulation had started and Christianity itself was at risk of mass genocide!

Naturally this meant that I had the motivation I needed to ask this really pretty girl from church out on a date. I mean, the world was ending... what did I have to lose?! It was the first time I ever mustered up the courage to ask someone out.

It was also my first rejection...

She let me down easy. While I could make a case that she turned me away due the same apocalyptic terror that I spited me to ask in the first place, let's face the facts: No amount of beautifully crafted sarcasm or love of fantasy movies could cover up the fact that I was not ready for a serious relationship.

At the age of eighteen, I had developed into a relational invalid. I was deeply insecure, chronically depressed, and had an ongoing struggle with self-destructive thought patterns. While I came a long way in terms of overcoming my social awkwardness, and began to move to  far more healthy frame of mind, I was far from being in a place to justify pursuing that kind of a relationship. Nearly a decade later and I’m still warding off the same problems.

But here is the saving grace: I'm getting better.

With each passing year, with every failure, I become more aware of who I am and of my value. Through it all, Christ has been redeeming me: healing me from the inside out. The sickening truth is that our trauma, wounds, etc. don't just go away overnight. If you get locked up in the belief that it's all your fault and/or that you have to overcome it all on your own, like me, the progress will be even slower.

We all need help sometimes. The key to getting through my pain isn't to hold it all in, nor is it to try and find relief by relationships or gaining prestige. It is from learning to be vulnerable and to make REAL connections with humans. I need honest feedback and for people to hear the truth of my struggles. I need to take the risks so that I can be surprised by their love and acceptance. Love and acceptance that has been right here waiting for me to open up this whole time.

Here are just a handful of things that I'm learning:

•You're not the only one who feels the way you feel. To think that you are the only person (out of several billion human beings) experiencing life as you are, then you are falling for a trap.

•Thunderstorms are God's way of reminding you that He is big, and yet still very present with you.

•There are few things more precious than Italian food with those you love.

•Denying others the opportunity to love you is a severe injustice and akin to murder (a blog post for another time.)

•The harder you hold onto something, the more likely you're going to lose it.

•Books are severely underused and underappreciated.

•Don't compromise to impress. It is far better to be rejected for being yourself than it is to lose yourself trying to get approval.

•Wake up every morning seeking to be a better you than the you the day before.

•Learn to be vulnerable at the right times with the right people.

I’m nowhere close to where I want to be. I'm often very emotional, even neurotic, I sabotage my relationships with doubts and distrust, and I punish people for the wrongs of others. This is a part of life! Growing, fighting! So let's fight together! Let's fight for healing because we are most definitely worth our time to discover who God made us to be.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Body and Spirit

Recently I picked up a book that I had read through with my pastors back in Knoxville called "Sacred Rhythms." While I had read most of the book, there was a couple of sections that I just skimmed through to keep up with the group, and now I wish I hadn't.

The chapters I just read were concerning the theology of the body and the art of self-examination. While I thought I had a pretty good grasp of both concepts, it seems that God had a lot to say to me concerning both of these matters.

Concerning the Body: The belief of total separation of physical health from spiritual health is a trap we can easily fall into. One usually affects the other in a significant way. My physical health affects my spiritual, and my spiritual hinders my desire and motivation for physical health. The cycle continues.

It is also no secret that I am not a huge fan of the DNA that I've been given. Between my brother and other people often making fun of my red hair or my nearly translucent skin, along with other natural/general insecurities, I have not wanted to care for the body that God gave me. As a child or teen I never learned to appreciate the body I have. I never saw the grace that had been given to me or the value that I was bestowed. The focus was always outward, noting that others could tan, that both my siblings were blessed with a kinder metabolism, etc.

God gave me life. He gave my physical form, muscle, color, strength, senses, etc and yet I have not shown Him the gratitude that He is due. Furthermore, I have neglected to appreciate creation in a way that only my physical body can! The taste of water, the feeling of grass, and the brushing of the wind are all examples of things God granted as experiences for us that I often take for granted.

A few months ago I had a friend who ran into my house and excitedly shared her joy in the fact that it was down-pouring rain outside. She insisted that I come stand in the rain with her and dance in it. Moved by her passion I emptied my pockets of anything that might be damaged and ran outside. Even though there were others watching, we didn't care about whether we looked like fools or not. God had given us a gift and we weren't going to miss out!

The Art of Self-Examination: Recognizing that body and Spirit are connected is the first step, but then being aware of the health of both is a wholly different issue. having aware requires focus and time. Neither of which I really like to give when I'm tired. I'm always tired.

Being exhausted often feels like the number one requirement/qualification of my job (residential leadership) and when it comes down to it, the thing I need most I want to do least. This weekend, however, God drew me into a place where meditation was possible (and necessary) and helped me to begin examining my heart and my mind. I doubt I'll ever be a master of self-examination because of the level of discipline and honest it takes, but I'm getting there!

The honesty part is probably the hardest for me. I don't like to see the good in me. Why? No frapping clue. There are some aspects of the bad I don't like to be honest about either.

So here is a confession. This weekend I've experienced a lot of jealous/envy. Jealous of how others look, how fit they are, how tall they are, the relationships they have with our students, etc. I often have to be the "bad guy" at work and I rarely get the benefits that I used to as Mentor rather than as an Assistant House Director. I have been jealous of my staff and even felt a measure of bitterness in hearing their complaints as I take the junk and they get the love, support, and appreciation that often seems lacking in my own life. That's not fair to them though. In the midst of my examination, God drew my attention to this reality and revealed to me how it has been affecting the way I think, feel, and behave.

I love people. A lot. I give all that I can and often that gets overlooked. I find myself torn between trying to live without any need for appreciation and the hard truth that I do, in fact, NEED appreciation. We all do.

All that to say, if I had not taken the time to examine my heart and see where I was at, I couldn't ever address it. I couldn't begin the steps I needed to healing this part of my life and I couldn't ask for help. I couldn't express my need to those who needed to know/wanted to know. In turn my spiritual, mental, and emotional state would continue to degrade and, as a result, so would my physical state. I would not have the energy to try or the ability to focus. Etc.

Give and Take: Having addressed both of these issues, my goal now is to integrate this knowledge into my daily living. I am seeking to take better care of my body and my spirit by bringing both physical and spiritual discipline higher up on my list of priorities. I can't help others if I'm not also seeking to help myself.

I always tell my students "Give more than you take, but never give in order that you can take." The reality is that I have to take to be able to give. I have to take care of myself to give care to others. My ratio of loving others will always be higher than for myself but I still need to care for myself. In the midst of that I never want to become entitled and think that I have earned/deserve love and care just because I give both. I don't love others to make them love me. I love and let love. I have students that I care for who couldn't care less about me, but that shouldn't hinder me from caring about who they are or for their well being, only what I invest and how much I invest in the relationship.

Lastly, giving care often helps us to give care to ourselves. I have often found that in helping another resolve an issue in their life was exactly what God wanted me to do in order to resolve an issue in my own. God reveals a lot to us through the lives of others. So just as we must take care, we absolutely must give care as well.

Can you imagine what life would be like if the entire world lived out this concept?

Grace and Peace,
Stephen 

Simply "Just"

I have noticed a pattern in my thinking when it comes to my thinking about life and in my practice of self-examination. Whenever I have a problem and I am trying to work out a reasoning or solution, I have consistently used the word "just" in my statements. I will saying thing like 'Oh, it's just _____" or "I'm just being _____" or "I need to just do _____ and everything is fine." I consistently give in the temptation to over simplify by saying "just".

The issue of my word usage goes a step further. In my usage of the unjustly used word "just" I not only just simplify the issue at hand, but also diminish it's importance or significance! This is hindrance to my problem solving as it very deceptive in nature. The question I must now ask is, in what other ways have I done this? In what ways have a over simplified or diminished the importance of? Sadly, I think there are many ways that I have done this. Even more so, I think I'm seeing this pattern in American culture, and even in the Church. 

We see this flaw in a lot of the "soul care" that is performed by many of our pastors. Many telling those under their care that they "just need to pray and read their Bibles" or that "it's just a sin issue" and they "just need to repent of that sin", while many times there is a much deeper need that isn't being met. Our families even fall prey to this dark reality in the way parents might address family issues and in training their children. 

We must be careful not to allow ourselves to underestimate the significance of the difficulties and temptation we face, not that which our friends and family members face as well. To not give proper attention and energy to a matter is an injustice, and even sinful, way of treating ourselves and others. Additionally, we must recognize that solutions are rarely ever simple. They are almost always complex and will take time to overcome or solve, if either is ever actually achieved at all. It is a part of the incredible, multifaceted journey to sanctification and wholeness that we all must undertake as followers of the Christ. 

As ministers of the souls of humanity, let us strive not to look down upon the struggles and difficulties of our brothers and sisters, but instead let us hold them with grace; bearing the patience and grace to listen, and to listen well. Lives are at stake; souls that need wholeness and the Light of Christ. 

Simplicity has it's place and it's beauty. Simplicity is real and even needed, but the we must not lose truth and logic in our desire to simplify. It is nice to think that solutions are easy and can be quickly conjured, but if we allow ourselves to think this way then we hinder our healing and restoration as well as the healing an restoration of others. Recognizing that wholeness is often a difficult and complex journey is important for us to accept if we are to carry on and endure the hardship; to resist the weight of discouragement and the sorrow of slow progress. 

I pray that we may all grow to help others and to give ourselves in love, and listen with sincerity and intent to those around us who also suffer from the darkness of sin and it's consequences. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen