Until Morning

Loneliness hits when you least expect it sometimes. Like a sudden storm, it moves in and overtakes the skies; blocks out the sun...

I sometimes feel like a fraud at work, telling my kids that there is hope; telling them to keep going and to push through when I myself am at war with my heart to stay hopeful and to not give up.

Tonight I find myself in the midst of that familiar storm. I've weathered it before, but it still catches me off guard even after having experienced it so many times. 

It sucks. Sometimes it takes all you have just to not grow cold and to not succumb to it's power. My wicked heart demands relief. Temptation to look up porn, to fantasize, to wallow in my sorrows, to cycle through old thoughts of self-hatred. etc come creeping in. It's in moments like these when I feel like God isn't listening or that He doesn't care. I know it isn't true. My life has been proof of that, but the feeling is still there and it overrides my logic. 

I hide it from my students, but I too am insecure, hurting, lonely, and craving for love and purpose. 

I know that God will see me through. I know that God is here in this moment. I have had many moments, even recently, when He made Himself known to me and stepped in. He loves me. 

Loneliness is here for the night and she will will be my guest, but I know that she will not stay long. God will always come in to help me pick up the mess she left behind and help putting things in order again. 

"Sorrow will last for the night...but joy comes with the morning."

We Are But Dust and Shadows

One of my favorite book series ever is the Infernal Devices trilogy by Cassandra Clare. In this series we take a look into a fictional world of demon hunters called "Nephilim", a special race of humans that have Angel blood running in their veins that were created to fight demons and prevent the destruction of humanity. I was drawn to these books and very much enjoyed the plot and characters within, but something that really stood out to me was the phrase that was posted in front of the homebase of the Nephilim called "The Institute"; that phrase is Pulvus et Umbra Sumus" which means "We are but Dust and Shadows." 

Just two nights ago, the majority of the Christian world experienced the liturgical holiday known as Ash Wednesday. I, sadly enough, had to work and found myself rushing to Apostle's Anglican Church for the special service. I arrived just in time for the imposition of ashes! I took a seat in the back and waited for my turn to go. As I waited I prayed prayers of forgiveness and repentance, and as I did those words from iron gateway of The Institute echoed in my mind..."we are but dust and shadows." 

I soon found myself walking towards the front. The air was filled with the mourning of the saints and tears of repentance; the remembrance of our brokenness and fragility. I watched as my priests placed ashes on the heads of my brothers and sisters. Tears streamed from the eyes of one of the priests as he placed the ashes upon the foreheads of his wife and children. My turn was approaching and I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes and, with tears still pouring from his eyes, my priest placed the mark upon my head and spoke the words, "Remember that you are dust, and to dust shall you return."

Ash Wednesday is a day that is dedicated to repentance and remembering the mortality of humanity. It is the day marking the genesis of Lent and our approach to the mournful day of "Good Friday" and the celebration of the joyous day we call "Easter." Now it has passed and Lent is in full swing, but we must not forget the truth behind those heart piercing words "...you are dust, and to dust shall you return." Our lives "are short and there is but little time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us. So be quick to love and make haste to be kind." Let us remember that:
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• We are but dust and shadows. We are the creation of an almighty Creator and we are worthless in the light of His holy majesty. 
• We are sinners and deserve to be punished and obliterated by a holy and perfect Diety who despises sin and wickedness.
• We are loved by that same Holy God, and though we are unworthy He desires to be with us; for us to know Him and be be known by Him. 

We humble ourselves, repent, and fast. Not because we are trying to earn His favor or our salvation, but because we can't we can't earn these things and yet they are given nonetheless. We honor Him for He is worthy and He deserves our worship and service. There is nothing we can offer Him that He needs, for we are but dust and shadows, but we are made more than the dirt because of His Spirit breathed into us and His love for us. The love of God is the greatest source of our value and it is the great equalizer of humanity. It makes us equal for God loves unconditionally and, therefore, is not lessened or magnified by personality, power, talent, piety, or persuasion. Let us remember these things as we proceed in our journey toward the cross. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen