Have You...?
Have you ever felt...vulnerable? Like you could be attacked at any given moment and are completely unable to defend yourself? Perhaps you felt this way as you were walking alone downtown or in an alleyway. Perhaps you felt this way after the death of a loved one or after experiencing something traumatic like a car wreck. Something that I have wrestled with for a good portion of my life is the feeling of vulnerability and exposure. (Please note, I am talking about the feeling of vulnerability. Not the active decision to "be vulnerable" with other which I completely support)
Build a Wall!
A dear friend of mine contacted me the other day after having attended a Psychology class. She informed me that she had been reading a "shame inventory" that asked a question that reflected something that I had said to her many months back. It asked the question "do you ever feel so exposed that you wish the Earth would open up and swallow you whole?" The answer is yes...yes I have. I have desired to crawl into the earth hide away from world. Similarly, I have experienced nights were I wanted to get lost in the darkest corner of the room, to be wrapped up in a cocoon, and to simply vanish into thin air.
I believe this desire to protect myself and to hide spread it's influence throughout the various aspects of my life. When I played real-time strategy games I found myself focusing on the defenses and self sufficiency of my "empire" more than the offensive power. My brother, being the more outspoken and outwardly expressive individual, focused on the opposite. Why he and I turned out so different in this aspect I'll never know. What I do know is that my feelings were real, and they affected me.
A Little History
My family made it very clear that anything bad that happened within the home was to be kept secret, so I did. I hid away all the pain and sorrow of a broken home life for the sake of of my family's false honor and dignity. I had to save face with the church and the world. And yet, I somehow came to feel exposed??? Everything was held back, apart from my indisguisable expressions. Couldn't hide the depression, but that didn't mean I wasn't supposed to try.
I was led head-on into individualistic Christianity and taught that I didn't need people, just Jesus. The logic seems sound, but only because we neglect the value of community that God wove into the fabric of humanity. God made us to be in community and to function together. I didn't have community in or outside of my home, and when you have no community it is easy to feel like you are completely alone. Loneliness can leave one feeling vulnerable, like no one can/will come to their defense. So is this the source of those feelings of loneliness and vulnerability? Maybe...maybe not.
Perhaps it is the evil itself that took place rather than my not having an external support system to help my deal with it. Then again, it could be both! Another option is simply biological structure and personality, but these would be influences at best. It is even possible that there are events in my life that I don't remember or simply have not been able to associate with the these feelings of defenselessness.
Perhaps I will never know the root of this personal struggle. I have my suspicions, but I have no proof or solid leads. I do, however, have experience, as well as the understanding of a feeling that I previously believed to be unique to my person, but is in fact not!
Not Alone
I am not alone in these feelings. I fact, it's common enough of a feeling as to make it's way into the shame inventory that my friend was reading! There are those out there that have overwhelming feelings of exposure and are seeking refuge for their minds and souls that as if they are walking naked through the snow. Or as if they are surrounded by a dozen men with lead pipes, ready to start beating them. They most likely don't believe that their are people who would do that. These are simply the ways that best describe the indescribably. They are the images that are produced by the longing for security and community. I believe that a lot of gangs are started from the need to feel connected and like someone has their back.
Lies and Remedies
I am not an expert on emotions, nor am I a self-help specialist. I make a lot of mistakes and I fail to always keep my emotions in check. I have learned that my mind is a liar. So are demons, but most often they don't have to waste their time with me because my own mind usually has doe their work for them. As cliche as it sounds, it is important that we train our selves to speak the truth to our selves to believe what God says about us rather than what our feelings say. Prayer and meditation are very important to our lives to to the healing of our hearts. God has indeed given us community and designed us to need one another, but we also need Him. We need the help of the Spirit to complete that which humanity can only do so much of.
Reader, if you feel like shutting yourself away, please listen to what I have to say. Don't try to go this alone. You were not meant to take on life alone. If you keep trying to recluse yourself, you will eventually go so far in that the darkness you hide in can't find you. here are some things that I have learned from my years of walking with Christ and dealing with my emotions.
Have you ever felt...vulnerable? Like you could be attacked at any given moment and are completely unable to defend yourself? Perhaps you felt this way as you were walking alone downtown or in an alleyway. Perhaps you felt this way after the death of a loved one or after experiencing something traumatic like a car wreck. Something that I have wrestled with for a good portion of my life is the feeling of vulnerability and exposure. (Please note, I am talking about the feeling of vulnerability. Not the active decision to "be vulnerable" with other which I completely support)
Build a Wall!
A dear friend of mine contacted me the other day after having attended a Psychology class. She informed me that she had been reading a "shame inventory" that asked a question that reflected something that I had said to her many months back. It asked the question "do you ever feel so exposed that you wish the Earth would open up and swallow you whole?" The answer is yes...yes I have. I have desired to crawl into the earth hide away from world. Similarly, I have experienced nights were I wanted to get lost in the darkest corner of the room, to be wrapped up in a cocoon, and to simply vanish into thin air.
I believe this desire to protect myself and to hide spread it's influence throughout the various aspects of my life. When I played real-time strategy games I found myself focusing on the defenses and self sufficiency of my "empire" more than the offensive power. My brother, being the more outspoken and outwardly expressive individual, focused on the opposite. Why he and I turned out so different in this aspect I'll never know. What I do know is that my feelings were real, and they affected me.
A Little History
My family made it very clear that anything bad that happened within the home was to be kept secret, so I did. I hid away all the pain and sorrow of a broken home life for the sake of of my family's false honor and dignity. I had to save face with the church and the world. And yet, I somehow came to feel exposed??? Everything was held back, apart from my indisguisable expressions. Couldn't hide the depression, but that didn't mean I wasn't supposed to try.
I was led head-on into individualistic Christianity and taught that I didn't need people, just Jesus. The logic seems sound, but only because we neglect the value of community that God wove into the fabric of humanity. God made us to be in community and to function together. I didn't have community in or outside of my home, and when you have no community it is easy to feel like you are completely alone. Loneliness can leave one feeling vulnerable, like no one can/will come to their defense. So is this the source of those feelings of loneliness and vulnerability? Maybe...maybe not.
Perhaps it is the evil itself that took place rather than my not having an external support system to help my deal with it. Then again, it could be both! Another option is simply biological structure and personality, but these would be influences at best. It is even possible that there are events in my life that I don't remember or simply have not been able to associate with the these feelings of defenselessness.
Perhaps I will never know the root of this personal struggle. I have my suspicions, but I have no proof or solid leads. I do, however, have experience, as well as the understanding of a feeling that I previously believed to be unique to my person, but is in fact not!
Not Alone
I am not alone in these feelings. I fact, it's common enough of a feeling as to make it's way into the shame inventory that my friend was reading! There are those out there that have overwhelming feelings of exposure and are seeking refuge for their minds and souls that as if they are walking naked through the snow. Or as if they are surrounded by a dozen men with lead pipes, ready to start beating them. They most likely don't believe that their are people who would do that. These are simply the ways that best describe the indescribably. They are the images that are produced by the longing for security and community. I believe that a lot of gangs are started from the need to feel connected and like someone has their back.
Lies and Remedies
I am not an expert on emotions, nor am I a self-help specialist. I make a lot of mistakes and I fail to always keep my emotions in check. I have learned that my mind is a liar. So are demons, but most often they don't have to waste their time with me because my own mind usually has doe their work for them. As cliche as it sounds, it is important that we train our selves to speak the truth to our selves to believe what God says about us rather than what our feelings say. Prayer and meditation are very important to our lives to to the healing of our hearts. God has indeed given us community and designed us to need one another, but we also need Him. We need the help of the Spirit to complete that which humanity can only do so much of.
Reader, if you feel like shutting yourself away, please listen to what I have to say. Don't try to go this alone. You were not meant to take on life alone. If you keep trying to recluse yourself, you will eventually go so far in that the darkness you hide in can't find you. here are some things that I have learned from my years of walking with Christ and dealing with my emotions.
- Share your emotions/Don't go it alone. Find a friend who loves and cares for you; tell them about your struggles and emotions. Ask them to impart truth about who you are.
- Trust. That's a hard one I know! but trust is essential to relationship and to growth. Yes, you are going to get hurt from time to time, but no true relationship is free of pain and to live out or lives in such away that we let fear of getting hurt keep us from trusting and loving...well, that's just not living!
- Find a priest and a church community that will walk with you and will seek to know and be known by you. Nothing can substitute a good priest (or pastor if you are more low-church) to give spiritual direction and counsel.
- Remember that no matter how dark the world gets, Christ loves you. He is your shield and your strength. When all the world begins to shake, when the sun fades to blackness, and when the sky threatens to fall and crush you...stand. When you have no strength left, stand. When the enemy comes in and strikes you and knocks you down...stand. Christ is for you, don't give up and don't give in.
It Ain't Over
I know I have a great deal further to go before my journey is over. I have so much more to learn about the world and about life. God will grant me more wisdom and understanding as the days carry on, but I trust Him to get me through to continue to make me a better person. For though He "causes me to dwell in darkness as those who are long dead" I know that the Father of Lights will be my Light.
"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no Evil, for Thou art with me. Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me...surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life."
Grace and Peace,
Stephen
