One can gain a great deal of knowledge and life experience from choosing to live with thirty or more males in intentional community. When two-thirds of that group, however, did not choose to be a part of the community as you did...experience is infinite!
I messed up. I pushed and I pulled when I should have given him the time to cool off. Additionally, I didn't have the relationship with him to confront him or talk it out. I remember being a teen and having adults trying to force words out of me and not caring about my feeling sad or angry or depressed. I was pushed further into defense mode as a result and felt less and less safe with each occurrence.
I've officially completed two weeks at Shelterwood (one full week as a full fledged Big) and I've already learned a few things that I know that I will carry with me long past the completion of my contract, but will also have to re learn a few times while I'm here.
You will make mistakes!
Yesterday I found myself in my first power struggle with one of my boys...and it sucked! It got me no where and only made him angrier than he already was. I knew he was angry and yet I pushed for answers and refused to leave till I had. Thankfully, I only made this error for about thirty seconds, but it was thirty seconds of me being a "King James Donkey!" A house director came in and took over and the teen opened up and de-escalated.
Admit when you're wrong!
I messed up. I pushed and I pulled when I should have given him the time to cool off. Additionally, I didn't have the relationship with him to confront him or talk it out. I remember being a teen and having adults trying to force words out of me and not caring about my feeling sad or angry or depressed. I was pushed further into defense mode as a result and felt less and less safe with each occurrence.
I later approached him concerning the matter and apologized for my being stubborn and for pushing so hard. We're cool now, but if I had never taken the time to reach out and admit my being wrong he and I would be far from ok. By manning up and confessing my error I took a relationship from distorted to being better than it was before the altercation.
Don't expect the same courtesy!
Even though I apologized, I didn't get an apology in return, but that's ok! I didn't expect one. It was my responsibility to own up to my mistakes. He may not have said it with words, but he expressed it in action. Sometimes that is something you just have live with. Long before I came here, I came to the conclusion that a forced apology is an insincere apology and I want nothing to do with those. Apologies come in may shapes and forms, just learning to accept them.
Furthermore, being willing to accept the reality that you might give kindness and love to someone and they might never show it back is just a part of the Christian life. Love given with the expectation of love returned is a conditional love. We are called to be better than bearers of conditional love.
Grace and Peace,
Stephen
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