"Lord, in Your mercy hear my prayer..."

"Be careful what you pray for!"

I heard that often as a kid. "Be careful..." they warned.

If I prayed for patience I would get troubles. If I prayed for humility I would be faced with purging. If I prayed that God wouldn't take me to Africa as a missionary He was probably going to make me go out of penance for being so selfish and trying to control my life. Every virtue and good thing, even that which God wanted me to have, couldn't be asked for if I wanted to avoid punishment and/or tribulation.

As a kid, this is who I thought God was. In some ways, I'm still a kid.

The Only Exception

I have seen God answer my prayers for my friends, my students, and my staff. Even though I know for a fact that He has answered prayers from me for my own sake as well, and that He has shown great acts of love, I still fail to believe that He is willing to hear my requests.

I get caught up in the ridiculous notion that God has it out for me. That for some reason I have found it right and good in his eyes that I, apart from all others, should be targeted. This false theology keeps me from praying fully and honestly.

In this false worldview, my words are an open invitation for pain. I, therefore, spend a great deal of time analyzing every thought and every request before I dare present it in prayer.

"This sentence is dancing around the issue and manipulative, and therefore will be punished." "That request is way too self-serving; I'll definitely be met with poverty and destitution."

The god that I believe hears my prayers and responds sadistically and unlovingly is not the God that I have engaged with and served. The god that I think hears me is the false god produced out of the legalistic theology that I was brainwashed with as a child.

He is like the Norse god Loki rather than the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. That isn't Christ at all!

"What father, if his son asked for a fish, would give him a snake?"

Does God lead us to places we don't want to go? Sure, but He isn't sitting there listening to our prayers looking for ways to torment us or rob us of joy and happiness. He isn't analyzing every word and tallying up every sin that our words are rooted in.

He hears us and He sees us as we are and for who we are. His beloved creation. His children.

Yes, there is selfishness and there is pride in me and is sometimes comes out in my prayers, but God loves that I have personality and desires. He wants me to come to Him, as a child to his father; with love, with requests, and with the truth of the soul laid bare.

"Therefore, go boldly into the presence of God..." and do not go walking on eggshells and with the belief that God is a god of mischief.

He is teaching me who he truly is, and he is helping the child in me to come to terms with the truth.

He loves me and he loves it when I pray truthfully and full of desires. 

Compassion Withdrawals

A little over a year ago I wrote a post on "Dealing with Compassion Fatigue", but today I'm here to talk about something equally as challenging...the rehab process. 

Ironically enough, compassion work often becomes an addiction to those involved in it. There are so many that I know who have left residential care just to turn around and run back to it. They love; they crave it. 

"I'm Out!"

Three months ago I left residential knowing that I needed a break. The chronic stress was taking its toll on my heart and the signs all pointed to one single truth: I had poured out all that I could. Though I loved my job, I saw bitterness and anxiety in greater measures than I had ever experienced filling me up, and worse yet it was showing in my interactions and my conversations. I was beyond compassion fatigue. 

On the Road

While I've done a lot of work and I'm rediscovering myself and my passions, I am still a long way out from recovered, but I'm getting there. Thanks be to God. 

The first couple of weeks after I left were freeing and life-giving. I felt the weight of responsibility rise of my shoulders and I was able to reconnect with people that I hadn't been able to. Then it started to hit me...the lack of responsibility moved from being free to feeling a lot like purposelessness. 

I missed my community, I missed my kids that I loved so dearly, and I missed being able to exercise my gifts in a way that was caring and gave life. What made things worse was the knowledge that, in that moment, I wasn't able to just walk right back into it. I wasn't rested, I wasn't healed from the three years of chaos, trauma, and hurt that had accumulated. 

Working it Out

Today, I severely miss my kids. Three in particular rest heavy on my heart and I wish I could spend time with them. I am tempted to think back upon my time with them and list off all the things I did wrong and all the responses I wish I had given to them instead. To wish that I had done better; that I had shown more love while the window of opportunity was still open. 

Instead, I chose to pull up the photos that I had and started rolling through the memories and think upon each one with gratitude.

With tears rolling down my face. I thanked God for every one of those kids and for every precious moment that I had whether it be cooking, listening to music, arguing, or sitting in the mud in the middle of the woods. 

I have tried distraction, meditation, and so many other methods to deal with my sorrow, but this is the only productive means of coping with the withdrawals. Gratitude as a discipline of the mind. It does more than get me through the rough patches. It heals me and it gives me life. 

I will be forever grateful that I got to know them and spend time with them. I cherish the memories that I have of them and I thank God that they are alive, healthy, and clearly growing. It saddens me to no longer be apart of that process, but I'm grateful that they no longer need me to process or face their challenges. 

Now I am free to go and find other ways that God wants me to be active in His world. I can trust Him to take care of my guys. Even better...I can trust Him to take care of me as well and take this time and turn it into something incredible!

"My Dearest Littles..."

The following is a letter to all the students that I had the privilege of knowing during my time at Shelterwood. I hope this makes its way out to each of you. 

My Dearest Littles,

This letter is not addressed to any specific student or group of students. No doubt there were those that I was closer to than others and those I connected well with.

It was a wild ride. If you are reading this letter and went to SW you probably contributed in some way or another. Whether that was running away, breaking things, cussing me (or my Bigs) out, making nasty drawings about SW staff (I kept all those btw! I still get a good laugh out them), or cutting, etc. I don't regret those times, and every dark moment I look back upon with joy. Not because they happened, but because I was graced with being able to walk with you guys through those times.

I imagine it was hard for each of you to be at SW. I tried to express that understanding. I'm sure it didn't always feel like it, but I did my best to love each and every one of you. Reality is that love often feels challenging and harsh, especially in that kind of environment.

For those of you who saw me suffering along side you and loved me in return, I give a special thank you, and to let you know that I haven't forgotten.  I still have the shoes I was given by those who saw I had holes in all of mine. I still have the DVD's, the journals, the little TARDIS, and every
note and thank you letter that I've ever gotten. Thank you for having an impact on my life, and I hope I was able to sufficiently return the affection.

Most of you have gone off to live your lives and are facing new challenges. Most of y'all are doing really well! Some of you are struggling. And that's ok. If you are feeling embarrassed or down on yourself, know that you are still loved. Loved by me, loved by the Gigs you were close to, and loved by God.

You're human and struggle is natural. Don't let that struggle rule over you and fool you into thinking that you can't overcome your problems. You can.

Most of you would have, at one point or another, heard me quote the Count of Monte Cristo. "Life is storm..." I would say. By now you should have a thorough understanding of reality, as well as the knowledge that it doesn't really go away. The storm rages on, and it if it ceases another one arises.

Take a close look at yourself and I guarantee that you will find that you have grown with each passing wave of terror and suffering. Even SW.

Today I miss each and every one of you. I want to apologize for any area that I lacked; for any time I came up short on expressing the love I have for you or where I failed to hear what you had to say. I do not apologize for making you angry or for consequencing you, or sharing a hard truth. Every time I did I did so in love. I swallowed my fear and my selfish desire to not enter confrontation just so that I could make sure that you might grown and find life.

There is not a single one of you that I have forgotten and not a single one of you that I do not continue to pray for.

And this is my prayer for you:

That you might live. Truly live. That God will bless each of you with happiness and peace. That all of you needs will be met in abundance and that you might always know hope and purpose. Above all I pray that God makes His presence severely known to you and that each and every day you might walk in the grace of our God who knows and loves you just as you are.

I pray that you would not cave into despair and that old habits and patterns that seek to enslave you will one day bow to you and not have control over the quality of your life.

I pray that you would always have a support group, friends that stand closer than family, and that your own families would be a place of refuge for you.

Hang in there kiddo, the night doesn't last forever.

In closing, I want to repeat a few things that I often shared and truly believed.

1) Love God above all and make sure that you loves others the same as you love yourself. (That might mean you need to start loving yourself more)

2) Give more than you take, but never give with the intent of taking.

3) You are truly valuable and worthy of being loved, and therefore being heard.

4) Remember that life is short and there is but little time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us. So be quick to love and make haste to be kind. And may the love and knowledge of Christ keep you in ever lasting light.

Grace and Peace,
Stephen

Welcome Aliens!

"Aliens! Come forth and be welcome among us!"

Now, I know what you're thinking...

"Good Lord...Stephen has lost it...he's over there asking for space invaders to come down from the stars. What a loon!'

I'm not talking about space aliens. I'm talking about the other kind of aliens. The human kind!

Lately, the United States has been in a bit of a tizzy about immigration. It's been quite a debacle and has only eased due to some distraction concerning statues. 

Sadly, many Christians have begun to pray against other nations and its peoples out of these same fears. We were called to love them, not abandon them. 

"The government needs to think of its citizens first! We have to take care of ourselves!"

The government does need to take care of its citizens. No doubt. We can not let, however, the care of American citizens lead to the negligence of the rest of humanity. God called us to the love and care of foreigners and immigrants.

"God wants us to prioritize our nation and her safety. Not immigrants!"

That's actually not true.

At her conception, the nation of Israel was commanded multiple times to accept the foreigner and treat them as if they were actually citizens. Don't believe me? 

Lev. 19: 33-34: "When a stranger resides with you in your land, you shall not do him wrong. The stranger who resides with you shall be to you as the native among you, and you shall love him as yourself, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt; I am the Lord your God." 

Lev. 23:22:" When you reap the harvest of your land, moreover, you shall not reap to the very corners of your field nor gather the gleaning of your harvest; you are to leave them for the needy and the alien. I am the Lord your God.”  

Deut. 10:16-20: "So circumcise your heart, and stiffen your neck no longer.  For the Lord your God is the God of gods and the Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God who does not show partiality nor take a bribe.  He executes justice for the orphan and the widow, and shows His love for the alien by giving him food and clothing.  So show your love for the alien, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt. You shall fear the Lord your God; you shall serve Him and cling to Him, and you shall swear by His name."

Later, Deuteronomy 24 repeats the same commandment from Leviticus 23 concerning harvesting. Then, in chapter 26, we see that living out these commandments gives glory to God and will be a form of testimony to the greatness of our God!

If this was expected of the land of Israel, how much even more so is it expected of us who are in Christ!

In Matthew 25, Christ gives a very clear image of this expectation when He states "for I was naked and you clothed Me. I was a stranger and you took me in."

Paul in his letter to Timothy, the book of Hebrews, and the Third letter of John all praise the actions of those who seek out strangers and the poor with the desire to serve and to shelter them. In fact, the New Testament that we ourselves are "foreigners living in a strange land."

As members of the Church, we are citizens of a nation that transcends the geopolitical borders of our secular governments, and we bear the responsibility and privilege of reaching out the nations in love and charity for the sake of the glory of God. It is the very Gospel by which we have been rescued out of darkness that compels us to "Go make disciples of all nations, baptizing them..."

We most certainly should not be naive or flippant in our approach to this issue, but we can't abandon those in need just because they are of the same nationality as pagans and terrorists. 

Let us stand together as the church, one nation under God, and show forth His love rather than let the enemy instill fear and hatred in our hearts to prevent the spreading of God's kingdom. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Resist the Dark

Some mornings I wake up feeling like I am drowning in unseen shadow. It's heavy and sticky like Savannah humidity, but it rests on the soul rather than the skin.

It's mornings like these when I ask God, "where are You? What is the purpose of all this?"

God never leaves me. He has proven that over and over. Logic stands that He never will either. Yet my gut says I'm alone and my thoughts follow suit. If I'm not careful, I'll wander in the fog for days.

Being a person who has wrestled with mental health for over half my life and has worked in the mental health field for three years, I have a great deal of experience. Which means that I, more than most, am aware of how little I know about how my brain works and how to heal my heart.

What I do know is that by remaining silent about my struggle and by not calling it for what it is, I am only hurting myself.

I often led my students to name their struggles. I wanted them to identify what they were feeling and thinking; to do everything they could to discern and anchor their emotions. To not hide their "ish."

I did this knowing how difficult it is to be honest with oneself, let alone another human. I'm right there with them. But I also know how much it needs to happen to experience change and growth. So I pushed them just as I push myself.

I'm never going to have all the answers, but I know that if we fight we will win.

You may be stuck right now. You might resonate with my words. Don't give up, love. Don't let darkness win. You're too valuable to be it's trophy.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen 

Sand and Soul

Going With The Flow

Imagine a pile of sand.

Slowly pour water onto the sand. What happens?

The water builds up, but then starts to flow away. As it flows, the water finds the path easier and easier to follow and will continue along the path that it has created. Eventually, the water will carry away the sand and solidify the forged path. Future water will walk the same trail as the pioneer water before them.

Your thought patterns work in a very similar fashion.

As a child, you were exposed to ideas, beliefs, and experiences. As your brain sought to process these things, thought began to flow in various directions. Like the water.

Regardless of accuracy, the thought pattern developed; eventually carving the path for the filter by which you would understand the world.

Crazy right?!

Here is a real life example.

"I Hate Myself"

No, seriously. I do.

Some time ago, I developed this thought pattern. Experiences and how I interpreted what I was being told led to the conclusion that I am a bad person-a broken person.

Then my thoughts took other paths, leading to the conclusion that I was unintelligent, ugly, boring, and unlovable.

"Everyone hates me" became a regular conclusion in my life.

"Everyone will eventually betray me" was another.

As an adult, I've had incredible friendships that have stepped into fight back against these false beliefs. The problem is that I have believed them so long and dwelt on them so much that I have some pretty deep thought trenches in my head.

I must now face the challenge of forging new paths for the water to flow, while also dealing with the fact that the water is still trying to deepen the paths already set.

Fighting Back

Metaphors can only take us so far to help us understand the truths of life. The development of thought patterns is far more complex than water on the sand. It is deeply influenced by our temperament, our nutrition, our community, and a hundred other things.

We are affected my the emotional stability of our families.

We are influenced by the DNA that was imparted to us.

It can be beneficial to know the sources, but it isn't necessary in most cases. What is important is you...

a) Identify the pattern or belief as false
b) Choose to fight against it at all costs
c) Surround yourself with healthy(er) community

To Be Continued...

Now that you know a little more about the sources and creation of false belief I hope that you can begin the journey to self care. Next time I'll share more about the challenges of thought recovery and my experience thereof.

Until then...

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

A Generation Apart

Checklist

Ok let see here...

1. Blog with abstract title - Check
2. Independent coffee shop - Check
3. Thrift store hat - Check
4. Minimal amount is savings - Check
5. Shirt supporting third world development - Check
6. Classic wooden pipe - Check
7. Flip flops - Check
8. Stockpile of angst - Check

Yep....it's official. I'm a Millennial. 

I thought I might avoid stereotypes and forge my own identify, only to find that I became the same as the rest of my generation. Whoops! 

Trees and Their Apples

Each generation has its identifiers. Their little quirky attributes and stereotypes that follow them to the grave. Most of the time, these identifiers are clothing or dance styles. Or whatever addiction is most popular at the time.

I think my generation is addicted to being angsty and starting arguments.

Granted, every generation has rebelled against something. Mine just has unlimited resources for pushing out opinions and ideas that other generations didn't have. Like Facebook and Twitter. 

Sadly, the newest generation is suffering our decisions just as much, if not more, than we suffered the decisions of those who have come before us. 

Social media has changed the way we interact with each other and has fed our anxieties and fears. Narcissism is at an all time high. Porn is rampant. And we wonder why there are more STDs than ever,  why rape is increasing, or why youth don't seem to have any self-respect. Or respect in general. 

We can sit here and talk about how the GenX and GenY groups have destroyed our nation and the economy, but what about what we are doing to our world.

Let's Get to Work

It's time to stop complaining and start renovating. We want our elders to accept responsibility for their choices, but if we wait for that then we may never see the changes we crave. And if we don't own our faults, the GenZ is really going to suffer!

Of Nightmares and British Baking

When Darkness Falls

During the last 3 years, my life revolved around the safety of others. For the sake of clarity, "others" in this instance is being defined as "at-risk teens with a tendency to cause chaos and make poor decisions." What is that like?

Traumatic...

(Also addicting, but that post is coming next week!)

Bad dreams haunted me at various seasons of my time at Shelterwood. Over the last month I've found that my bad dreams are less frequent, but quite a bit worse when they come. 

Personally I'd rather go back to dreaming about needing to chase a runner, assisting a seizing diabetic, or to facilitating a mass drug test of the guys' house. Those were things I did, and even though those dreams stressed me out I was fine moments after waking up. 

Now?

I dream of former residents reaching places of crisis and being unable to help them; unable to get to them in time...

Specifically, last night I dream that I woke up to 115 text messages showing step by step the self destruction of a former student and his eventual suicide. While this has not happened to me, nor am I aware of any of my former students moving this direction. Regardless, a dark fear of students taking their own lives seep their way down into my dreams. In these situations I can't restrain them, nor can I stand between them and the ledge anymore. I'm not there to stop the bleeding...

These dreams are reflective of loss of control. I can't keep them safe. I have, in many ways become powerless. This has always been one of my greatest fears in my students graduating and leaving.

I learning to not take responsibility for others and their decisions. 

Getting Physical 

After waking from my dream, I cried. Stress and pain that built up over a long time was expressing themselves in the form of a dark dreams last night, and then working their way down into my tear ducts this morning. 

My body, just like anyone else's naturally does, is reacting to the healing taking place. Healing that is coming about by integration into a community of people who love me and go out there way to make sure I know it. Healing through more holistic living, including more water, more sleep, and less chaos. 

The emotions are surfacing and taking on physical manifestations, therefore seeking to flush the stress out of my body.

In Response

I chose not to fight it. Instead I brewed up a pot of coffee, turned on the Great British Baking Show, and let the tears flow. I let every emotion and thought pass through me and float away. 

There is nothing like British accents and baking to help one cope with negative emotions! 

Of course, you probably will find other things more beneficial, but do give this method a try! 

Not Out of the Woods

I'd be foolish to think that this was a one time thing. The affects of three years in high-risk youth ministry doesn't go away over night. There are more days like this to come. Nightmares to process and stress to release. These are good. They form me and shape my thoughts. They guide my processing and build me up. 

I am stronger. 

Survivor

"Last Time On..."

In my last post I shared some of my experience as a teen growing up with a less-than-ideal marriage situation. I wanted to follow up on that post with another one that paralleled the first. In this post I wish to share the three elements of my life that kept me going and helped me traverse the waters of adversity.

Before I get to that I'd like to detour a bit.

There are those out there who have chosen to take sides with my parents, and I implore each of you to do so in love and charity for both parties, and with the knowledge that if you only listen to one person's story that you aren't going to get the full picture.

I'm grateful that no one who shouldn't has come to me with inquiries about their marriage, but I'm disappointed in those who should have and didn't. I needed aid, mentoring, and compassion from those older than I and did not find it, even when I sought after it intentionally.

With that said, let's pop on.

"How did you get through it?"

I'm glad you asked!

Teenagedom proved challenging-weighed down by stress and grotesque levels of emotions. I found escape by three means:

1. A bedroom with a door that stayed closed 96% of the time.
2. An ambitious and optimistic youth group.
3. A grocery store within walking distance that served as the perfect first job.

1. The Door

If I was home I was isolating. I used my room as a sanctuary, often thinking of the 10' by 10' space as being a castle in the dark forest of life. A gateway to another world where I could be safe. It helped that it was the most removed from other, high-occupancy rooms.

The moment I heard the very distinct sound of the Toyota pickup entering the driveway, *swoosh, click* door was shut. This didn't eliminate the stress or anxiety brought on by the knowledge of
others' presence or the sound of people moving around the house, but it did dampen a lot. Music covered most of the rest.

Looking back, I can see how my isolation caused destruction of its own kind. I would have been better off finding extra curricular activities such as sports or a social club based around art or photography, etc.

Please note that separating yourself from a bad thing is an excellent start! You cant heal a burn if you keep touching the fire. You need to, however, also find life giving environments and activities that help you heal quicker and be human.

2. Youth Group

While I don't fully accept the theology of my childhood upbringing, I recognize how I received safety and healing because of it. Being Pentecostal was the closest thing to therapy that I could get as a teen whose patriarch wasn't so keen on the idea of counseling. I was able to safely release emotions and pain in an environment that encouraged oral prayers and honest with God. I was also given vision for living and pushed to believe in the possibility of world affected by the gospel; that I could be a part of something bigger and world-changing.

If I could change one thing about this particular aspect of my life, it would be that I would have found mentors to invest in me more thoroughly and intentionally.

3. Work


I've been accused of being a workaholic. I think this is accurate in that I often use work as a means of escape, or as a means of finding value as a person. These are most definitely unhealthy elements of my personality. I'm simply stating that this was a means of survival for me as a teen. It also gave me a strong work ethic and helped me gain money, and favor with my superiors.

Ultimately, the job was a huge help for me and the pros outweighed the cons. Since then I've had to learn to fight off tendencies to become codependent and use work as a crutch for insecurity, but if one holds a proper perspective work can be extremely beneficial for a healthy life.

Here and Now

There are a lot of ongoing issues that my family has faced for longer than I care to calculate. All of which are major contributors to my development as a human and the forming of my worldview. I place significant measures of blame for the struggles that I face on my parents. It wasn't until I left for college and was exposed to so much more diversity of thought and belief that I was able to begin recognizing the gravity of what I endured for so many years. 

Generally speaking, I turned out alright. 

I've been a mentor, leader, writer, and an influence to hundreds of lives. I have helped more people than I can count to live better, healthier lives and only at the age of 27!

It took hard work to get here, and a lot of grace from God to be this person. 

The important part was that I lived to fight another day. I made it to 27 and I continue to grow and learn. Every day propels me onward towards wholeness, and I find myself influenced by my history but not oppressed by it. 

Grace and Peace, 

Stephen

A Happy Ending

Finally...It's Over

My parents recently signed the papers to end the twenty-some-odd-year season of hurt and struggle that many people commonly refer to as "marriage."

You might think that this is overstepping boundaries-that I have no right to share any such things with the world. After all, it wasn't my marriage right?

HA! WRONG!

You're right… it wasn't my marriage, but this grand catastrophe profoundly affects my life. Covering it up helps no one and only perpetuates the problem. My intent is not to share their junk, but to tell you my experiences and what I learned from living with a less-than-ideal marriage.

A child, though not fully able to comprehend his or her surroundings, can pick up on the subtle issues of his or her parents. I was no exception.

Here are the three things that I learned as a teen dealing with a broken marriage.

1. Fear Suffocates

Whether you cause it or experience it, fear is poisonous to a healthy home environment. Fear can cause us to say and do a lot of crazy things. It enslaves us to the whims of others, keeps us from speaking out against injustice, fosters irrational thought about our relationships, or isolates us from the very people who can help us.

Several kinds of fear wrecked our home. The fear of abandonment, the fear of pain (emotional and physical), the fear of failure, and the fear of social shame.

It was not loving.

Love is not oppressive. It isn't manipulative and controlling.

Instead, love fosters creativity, freedom of thought, safety and security to speak honestly (in a respectful manner) without fear of punishment. It is patient and it approaches others with grace and understanding. This is what my parents needed in their marriage. This is what our home needed as a whole. Instead, we all suffocated within the walls that were supposed to be our sanctuary and our family's place of safety.

Fear reigns when there isn't...

2. Humility and Honesty

Pride can lurk near environments of fear. It is often the very source of fear, or the root of what causes one to instill fear in others. Pride keeps us from being honest with ourselves and with others.

Pride kept certain members of my family from admitting their faults, while simultaneously keeping others from seeking community and processing with others; lest they be thought of as weak or stupid.

As a young adult, I still struggle with trust and with fear.

I fear I will be like my parents.

This is, in part, due to my parents pointing out my faults and manipulatively connecting these flaws to the other parent in an attempt to motivate change. This, of course, only made the whole of our family struggle much worse.

I wish I could have had the courage to speak my mind as a teen and had not lived on in fear. I wish I had been able to speak boldly what I knew was true and face the consequences of my actions with strength.

But sadly I was too deep in insecurity to know that I had what it took to stand up, to revolt.

The lack of humility and honesty was further cultivated by...

3. The Unhealthy Idolization of Family Ideals

I had a lot of pressure put on me to be happy and to be fully invested in a family that I didn't feel safe in. I often heard the phrase "if you can't trust family, you can't trust anyone" in response to my seeking external community and aid. This attempt to inspire me towards a family-centered worldview strongly influenced the way I approached the world.  

My desire to be free of the tension and stress and to build relationships elsewhere was met with shame and sought to keep me trapped within the social structure that bore down on my psyche and hindered my growth as an individual.

To compound these matters, I was often commanded to not share my pain. I was told "family issues stay within the family." This philosophy fosters fear in other areas of life: Fear of social reprimanding, fear of consequences, fear of dishonoring my parents, and fear of crossing boundaries.

I found myself believing that it was wrong to speak ill of anyone in my family, even if it was an attempt to process with a friend.

I was taught to have undying loyalty to family, even though it was family that was most disloyal to me of all of my relationships.

The bible does not center salvation around family, though it talks about families and family ideals. It does not permit that families behave as clichés nor as individualized communities. The gospel of Christ tears down these concepts and breaks the barriers between bloodlines.

It says we are all one family, one people under one King.

 "What happens in the family stays in the family" is false. It is a means of control that fosters fear and pride. We are bound and enslaved! The Church suffers far more disunity than the splitting of denominations, but in the separation of family units. Satan has masked a very serious threat as something that "God prioritizes." It is a subtle tactic that cut us off from meeting our true potential as a people unified under one Lord. Do not place trust and faith on family.

Place trust and faith on God.

This grim fairy tale has met its happy ending. Take my experiences and learn from these errors. Use them. Take the first steps to liberating your life where fear, pride, and false idols are enslaving you; preventing you from the healthy, fulfilling life that God wants you to live.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Girls, Growth, and Grace

I remember it clearly: It was 2008. America was over. A new president had been elected. It was a clear sign that the "end" was here. The Great Tribulation had started and Christianity itself was at risk of mass genocide!

Naturally this meant that I had the motivation I needed to ask this really pretty girl from church out on a date. I mean, the world was ending... what did I have to lose?! It was the first time I ever mustered up the courage to ask someone out.

It was also my first rejection...

She let me down easy. While I could make a case that she turned me away due the same apocalyptic terror that I spited me to ask in the first place, let's face the facts: No amount of beautifully crafted sarcasm or love of fantasy movies could cover up the fact that I was not ready for a serious relationship.

At the age of eighteen, I had developed into a relational invalid. I was deeply insecure, chronically depressed, and had an ongoing struggle with self-destructive thought patterns. While I came a long way in terms of overcoming my social awkwardness, and began to move to  far more healthy frame of mind, I was far from being in a place to justify pursuing that kind of a relationship. Nearly a decade later and I’m still warding off the same problems.

But here is the saving grace: I'm getting better.

With each passing year, with every failure, I become more aware of who I am and of my value. Through it all, Christ has been redeeming me: healing me from the inside out. The sickening truth is that our trauma, wounds, etc. don't just go away overnight. If you get locked up in the belief that it's all your fault and/or that you have to overcome it all on your own, like me, the progress will be even slower.

We all need help sometimes. The key to getting through my pain isn't to hold it all in, nor is it to try and find relief by relationships or gaining prestige. It is from learning to be vulnerable and to make REAL connections with humans. I need honest feedback and for people to hear the truth of my struggles. I need to take the risks so that I can be surprised by their love and acceptance. Love and acceptance that has been right here waiting for me to open up this whole time.

Here are just a handful of things that I'm learning:

•You're not the only one who feels the way you feel. To think that you are the only person (out of several billion human beings) experiencing life as you are, then you are falling for a trap.

•Thunderstorms are God's way of reminding you that He is big, and yet still very present with you.

•There are few things more precious than Italian food with those you love.

•Denying others the opportunity to love you is a severe injustice and akin to murder (a blog post for another time.)

•The harder you hold onto something, the more likely you're going to lose it.

•Books are severely underused and underappreciated.

•Don't compromise to impress. It is far better to be rejected for being yourself than it is to lose yourself trying to get approval.

•Wake up every morning seeking to be a better you than the you the day before.

•Learn to be vulnerable at the right times with the right people.

I’m nowhere close to where I want to be. I'm often very emotional, even neurotic, I sabotage my relationships with doubts and distrust, and I punish people for the wrongs of others. This is a part of life! Growing, fighting! So let's fight together! Let's fight for healing because we are most definitely worth our time to discover who God made us to be.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Through the Dark Night...

Depression. I feel it in the air like static, slowly building up and filling the atmosphere with tension and disturbing sensations. It's the ghost that wanders the halls of my soul. It's the shadows of the tunnel vision focused in on my failures and my shortcomings.

In light of Mental Health Awareness Month, I wanted to share a little bit of my own heart and journey.

As a pre-teen, and on into my teenage years, I struggled with varying levels of depression, and occasionally experienced suicidal thoughts and desires. Self-harm was no stranger to me, though I never drew blood out of fear. Self-inflicting pain was a weekly occurrence for me, and the desire to die was nearly daily. I filled multiple journals with prayers asking God to end my life. I saw no beauty in living. No peace. No freedom. In my mind, I looked at myself as being without purpose or meaning; without value.

At the age of 16, I found myself sitting in a youth service at a church that my family had just started visiting and my heart turned toward dark places. I began to contemplate the various means I had available for taking my life, from slitting my wrists to chugging pills. They all scared me, but I had decided that my fear of death and fear of facing God was no longer more unbearable than how I felt about life. I was ready for the end, but God intervened.

As I sat there in the darkness of my thoughts, the youth pastor came and sat with me and spoke life into me. He told me that even though he didn't know me, he wanted me to know that I had found a place where I belonged. He told me that he wanted to be there for me and to disciple me. I don't know if I really would have had the courage to take my own life that night, but thanks to God sending me help, I never had to find out.

Eleven years later and I have come through so many trials and storms. That conversation might have saved my life, but it didn't put an end to the onslaught of mental/emotional struggle! I have since had many nights of deep, emotional turmoil. Yet it holds true that God continues to see my through each dark night that I traverse. Each battle leads to strength and to growth. I survive.

If you struggle with mental illness of any sort, please no that you are worth the time and energy to to work through it. Please do not seek to take this on alone. Find help; find support.

We were never meant to live this life alone, and we were never meant to fight our battles in silence.

Fight for your life, because you are human and you are DEFINITELY worth it!

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Healing in the Haitian Sun

As I got on the plane and began the final flight to Haiti, I felt my emotions begin to rise up into my nasal cavity and over take my face like a fever. I played music to distract myself but it only aided in turning the knobs that unblocked the waterworks. I felt the Spirit move in with His scalpel and all I could do was sit and let Him cut me open as I began my ascent to 30,000 ft. Despite my resistance, God had called me to go to Haiti and in my reluctant obedience He was able to put me right where He wanted me. Haiti was His seven-day project on my heart and He wasn't going to waste a minute of it.

Surgery continued over the course of the afternoon and we made our way through the hot, dusty streets. We got to our first orphanage and I ran for the nearest camera so that I could feign the desire to be useful while also protecting my heart, which was still bleeding out from the fight. Despite my attempts to run or hide, I was found by a few of the most precious little angels and they insisted that I hold them and take pictures of them.

That night, I chatted with various members of my team, including the students that we brought along with us from the boarding school where I'm employed. I still felt the heaviness of the Spirit doing his work on me, and it was anything but pleasant. I was approached by beloved friend, Kyle, who expressed the desire to speak later concerning what was going on with me. Little did I know that he would be the instrument by which God would begin to really remove the junk out of my heart and then also be the stitches that closed my open wound.


Looking back, I can only say that that moment was one of providence. I had been set up through circumstances and various different elements of life leading up to that conversation. My journey to that moment could not be limited to the afternoon flight and orphan visit. No, it had been in progress over the course of many months. Everything was somehow connected. My current problems of interest were reflections of deeper wounds and heartaches that had lay in my heart and festered for years. YEARS! The healing I sought was not what I thought I wanted, but was more than I could have asked for. It was irony. It was inconvenient. It was Haiti. It was friendship. Lastly, it was unbridled and courageous confession.

Each day that followed that first night was a process of recovery. Recovery from, not only the trauma of surgery, but from the trauma that had made the surgery necessary.

There were plenty of tears as I saw years of cancer and disease laid out before my eyes. The pain of loss, of misguided desires, and of a twisted self image that robbed me of value and purpose; robbed me of truth and relationship that I so desperately wanted; yet rejected because of the illness that I both hated and relied on.

That is most often the nature of our sin. It is the friend we hate most. It is the enemy we invite to dinner and even into our own beds for the sake of not being alone.

With each orphanage we visited, I found the Spirit drawing me out and doing something in me. On the second day we went to a town called Hinch where I met this beautiful little boy named Miguel. He stayed with me the entire time and, unlike several others, didn't care that I had nothing to offer. He wanted to be loved and he wanted to show love. We met each other exactly where we needed. We gave each other time and we spent our time being grateful that we had someone else that existed to spend time together.

In Les Miserables there is a line stated multiple times that "to love another person is see the face of God." The next day I met Brianna. That precious girl that I had the privilege of pushing on the swing went out of her way to find me and be with me. In a time when I felt unloved and unlovable, God sent me two beautiful, innocent little kids for me to love and love me in return. In the midst of my darkness, God brought me a little light.

I want to love well. That is my heart's desire! I am, however, tainted by sin and by suffering and lack what is needed to truly love well. Haiti broke into a part of me that had been walled up. Even though I still suffer and I still struggle with all of my insecurity, I long to love others and to bring them to a place of healing and show them there is more to life than sitting in their pain and suffering. There is life that lies beyond their circumstances. There is healing. 

Wrecked by Doubts

Earlier this afternoon I was out doing errands and found myself getting into a collision with a very large truck in the middle of a parking lot. As I was driving through he backed out on me, and it scared the living nargles out of me! In the end, it wasn't that bad of a hit because we were just driving in the parking lot, but I was affected all the same. 

All afternoon I've been more emotional, and have even felt sick, after the event. I've never shared this before, but I am deeply afraid of being in a car wreck. I've often had dreams and day dreams of being hit by vehicle and/or waking up in the hospital. 

Several years back, my mom was was in a major car wreck and it terrified me. I never talked it out or really processed what happened. The wreck severely hurt her and I know that her surviving was a miracle. For the weeks of recovery that followed she wasn't herself. She struggled with memory and her temperament changed. 

I fear pain, but even more I fear losing things I value. What I mean is that I fear that something tragic might happen that would rob me of things that would leave me being less effective as a mentor, a friend, a minister, etc. Specifically I fear memory loss: losing all of my friendships in the blink of an eye. To think that all the time, energy, and love that I've invested into other might be lost to me is horrifying. 

Again, I totally realize that the hit was next to nothing, but isn't that the case with most of us? We struggle with even the small things and when we leave them unaddressed they grow. Traumas, even second-hand like my mom's wreck, can carry on in us and affect us even years down the road. My entire afternoon was affected by something that took hours for me to pin point and address because of the pain it stirred inside. Truthfully, it embarrassed me how much it affected me. 

I don't like how it affected me, and I like even less the reality that I struggle so much to trust God to protect me. That is the root of all of this. I doubt and I distrust, and not just God but the people I love most.

Out of something small I found myself feeling a lot of emotion that I wished I had dealt with a long time ago. I want to rest in the comfort that I am truly loved by others and by God, but time and time again I fall into the belief that I am unlovable and reject the idea that someone loves me for me. Even in my doubts though, God comes to me and whispers that He loves me and He keeps me going. He is there even in my hurt, in my doubt, and in my rejection of the truth. 

In the end, I am loved through all of my junk and I keep going. No matter how low I get, God pulls me right back up. He holds me and keeps me safe,..even when I fail to trust Him. 

That Grace May Abound

The other night I was sitting with a student of mine who was expressing great disappointment in himself. He had had a rough day and didn't respond to others as gracefully as he needed to. He expressed feeling like he couldn't stay on track; that every time he did something really good he would instantly follow up with something terrible. One terrible day for every really good day, and the better the good day the worse the bad day would be.

This wasn't true, though I can relate to feeling that way. I know that there are many times when I feel that same way. I feel stuck or like I'm caught in an unending, undefeatable cycle.

After expressing these feelings he turned to me and, in a place of frustration and desperation to do things right, he said "Maybe I should just do bad things and then I'll do really good things instead!"

This called my mind to the letters of Paul. "Should we then keep on sinning that grace may abound? HELL NAH!" (Culturally equivalent translation applied).

It's a natural temptation, when we face the long war against sin, to want to give up, or even to adopt a poor theology of grace. I have even thought to myself "maybe I should just get it out of my system" (Theoretically the root origin of Mardi Gras). Though I know these are deceptions and my flesh trying to justify poor decisions, I still feel the pull of temptation. I understand where my kid is coming from.

We go through patterns in life where we are constantly fighting our sin nature, our inner darkness. No matter how long you have been a Christian, you continue to struggle and strive against it. That's ok. You can stop telling yourself "I should be free of this by now!" or "I should be above all this!" Don't give in to the lie that says your prayers aren't working, and don't let yourself fall into despair. Grace isn't to grant permission to sin, but abounds that you might pick yourself back up and try again.

We will often feel like the there is more Darkness in us than Light, but Christ lives in you and therefore you stand as a candle in the abyss. You shine as a shard of hope in the midst of despair. Though you might not be able to see far, get up and keep going.