Over-Exposed

Have You...?

Have you ever felt...vulnerable? Like you could be attacked at any given moment and are completely unable to defend yourself? Perhaps you felt this way as you were walking alone downtown or in an alleyway. Perhaps you felt this way after the death of a loved one or after experiencing something traumatic like a car wreck. Something that I have wrestled with for a good portion of my life is the feeling of vulnerability and exposure. (Please note, I am talking about the feeling of vulnerability. Not the active decision to "be vulnerable" with other which I completely support)

Build a Wall!

A dear friend of mine contacted me the other day after having attended a Psychology class. She informed me that she had been reading a "shame inventory" that asked a question that reflected something that I had said to her many months back. It asked the question "do you ever feel so exposed that you wish the Earth would open up and swallow you whole?" The answer is yes...yes I have. I have desired to crawl into the earth hide away from world. Similarly, I have experienced nights were I wanted to get lost in the darkest corner of the room, to be wrapped up in a cocoon, and to simply vanish into thin air.

I believe this desire to protect myself and to hide spread it's influence throughout the various aspects of my life. When I played real-time strategy games I found myself focusing on the defenses and self sufficiency of my "empire" more than the offensive power. My brother, being the more outspoken and outwardly expressive individual, focused on the opposite. Why he and I turned out so different in this aspect I'll never know. What I do know is that my feelings were real, and they affected me.

A Little History

My family made it very clear that anything bad that happened within the home was to be kept secret, so I did. I hid away all the pain and sorrow of a broken home life for the sake of of my family's false honor and dignity.  I had to save face with the church and the world. And yet, I somehow came to feel exposed??? Everything was held back, apart from my indisguisable expressions. Couldn't hide the depression, but that didn't mean I wasn't supposed to try.

I was led head-on into individualistic Christianity and taught that I didn't need people, just Jesus. The logic seems sound, but only because we neglect the value of community that God wove into the fabric of humanity. God made us to be in community and to function together. I didn't have community in or outside of my home, and when you have no community it is easy to feel like you are completely alone. Loneliness can leave one feeling vulnerable, like no one can/will come to their defense. So is this the source of those feelings of loneliness and vulnerability? Maybe...maybe not.

Perhaps it is the evil itself that took place rather than my not having an external support system to help my deal with it. Then again, it could be both! Another option is simply biological structure and personality, but these would be influences at best. It is even possible that there are events in my life that I don't remember or simply have not been able to associate with the these feelings of defenselessness.

Perhaps I will never know the root of this personal struggle. I have my suspicions, but I have no proof or solid leads. I do, however, have experience, as well as the understanding of a feeling that I previously believed to be unique to my person, but is in fact not!

Not Alone

I am not alone in these feelings. I fact, it's common enough of a feeling as to make it's way into the shame inventory that my friend was reading! There are those out there that have overwhelming feelings of exposure and are seeking refuge for their minds and souls that as if they are walking naked through the snow. Or as if they are surrounded by a dozen men with lead pipes, ready to start beating them. They most likely don't believe that their are people who would do that. These are simply the ways that best describe the indescribably. They are the images that are produced by the longing for security and community. I believe that a lot of gangs are started from the need to feel connected and like someone has their back.

Lies and Remedies

I am not an expert on emotions, nor am I a self-help specialist. I make a lot of mistakes and I fail to always keep my emotions in check. I have learned that my mind is a liar. So are demons, but most often they don't have to waste their time with me because my own mind usually has doe their work for them. As cliche as it sounds, it is important that we train our selves to speak the truth to our selves to believe what God says about us rather than what our feelings say. Prayer and meditation are very important to our lives to to the healing of our hearts. God has indeed given us community and designed us to need one another, but we also need Him. We need the help of the Spirit to complete that which humanity can only do so much of.

Reader, if you feel like shutting yourself away, please listen to what I have to say. Don't try to go this alone. You were not meant to take on life alone. If you keep trying to recluse yourself, you will eventually go so far in that the darkness you hide in can't find you. here are some things that I have learned from my years of walking with Christ and dealing with my emotions.

• Share your emotions/Don't go it alone. Find a friend who loves and cares for you; tell them about your struggles and emotions. Ask them to impart truth about who you are.

• Trust. That's a hard one I know! but trust is essential to relationship and to growth. Yes, you are going to get hurt from time to time, but no true relationship is free of pain and to live out or lives in such away that we let fear of getting hurt keep us from trusting and loving...well, that's just not living!

• Find a priest and a church community that will walk with you and will seek to know and be known by you. Nothing can substitute a good priest (or pastor if you are more low-church) to give spiritual direction and counsel.

• Remember that no matter how dark the world gets, Christ loves you. He is your shield and your strength. When all the world begins to shake, when the sun fades to blackness, and when the sky threatens to fall and crush you...stand. When you have no strength left, stand. When the enemy comes in and strikes you and knocks you down...stand. Christ is for you, don't give up and don't give in. 

It Ain't Over

I know I have a great deal further to go before my journey is over. I have so much more to learn about the world and about life. God will grant me more wisdom and understanding as the days carry on, but I trust Him to get me through to continue to make me a better person. For though He "causes me to dwell in darkness as those who are long dead" I know that the Father of Lights will be my Light. 

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no Evil, for Thou art with me. Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me...surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life."

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Burn It Down

In his book Orthodoxy, G.K. Chesterton wrote about the prerequisites for true change. He stated that for someone to change something they must A) hate it enough to want to change it and B) love it enough to think it worth changing. Nestled between the two is the spot in which action can create true change. To do this, one must often be willing to raze it to the ground to accomplish the desired outcome. Sometimes we need to just stop patching the holes and blow bigger holes in the walls instead. tear it down and start over.

Life is not a Bob Ross painting. You can't also paint over your "happy little accidents", although it is possible to do at times. No, sometimes our lives are a complex acritextureal feat, and in the midst of our building we realize the foundation is flawed. Therefore, instead of continuing we tear down all that lies above the foundation so that we might fix it. Then, and only then, do we start again. One might tear down their structures a hundred times, but anything worth making with worth making perfectly, and anything worth making perfectly is worth burning down again and again until it can stand a thousand years.

Plans, ambitions, goals, activities, projects, art, buildings...the tangible and intangible. These things often need to be trashed and started over. The question is that do we hate our flaws enough to want to change them, and we love the flawed thing (ourselves, others, relationships, businesses, cities, nations, etc) enough to believe it worth changing?

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Aspirations

What is something worth aspiring towards? What is worth doing? Each of my friends has something they aspire to be or do. For one it is to be consistent in all that he believes and to teach others to be consistent as well. Another seeks to live with discipline in the realm of Christian tradition and to have vast understanding of historical theology and understanding. Another aspires to good biblical theology and an understanding of the ancient languages that form the holy Scriptures and to teach others. And another seek to become well versed in psychology and to understand the mind to be able to reach out to broken men and women caught up in a world of brokenness, depression, sex slavery, and abuse.

All of these things, though in many ways very similar, are unique and independent aspirations that a beautiful to behold. Not all, however, have the same aspirations nor do people always appreciate these goals fully. Not everyone understands why one might want to start a nonprofit that helps the sexually abused as well as the abuser. Not everyone sees the importance of tradition or of original texts.

So here is where I find myself a little lost. I have nothing that I really specialize in, and I cannot think of single thing that I am passionate about. What is this? Apathy? Maybe. I'm really not sure. I mull over a thousand different things that I could pursue. I come across causes and the like that inspire me and even spark a desire to act, but all too soon that spark fades and I'm back at square one.

I confess that this reality scares me a little. It leads me to question myself and to wonder if there is an area I am broken in. There is. Depression and self-pity are two of the diseases that plague my soul and have for a very long time. It would be pointless and dishonest to deny that this is true. The consistent self-destructive thinking cripples my advance toward something I want to do. Before I even begin my task I've already told myself that I can't do it and I burn the bridge before it's even built.

I think that what I struggle with is more common than I once believed. I am hearing more and more about people who struggle with the same things as I. I know that there are events and relationships throughout my life that have played important factors into who I am and how I behave, but I must accept ultimate blame for what I do or don't do. Could a lot of crap been avoided by the actions of others? Absolutely. Will they be held responsible? Of course, but so will I. I will take the blunt of the blame just as I will take the measure of responsibility for what I did and did not do for others in need.

My responsibility now is to rise above my habits and the darkness that threatens me. I will seek help when necessary; I will make plans and push myself to get past the written lists I've developed. I will seek and trust God to lead me through the dark valleys that will build up my soul and make me holier tomorrow than I was yesterday. I will aspire to be a godly person and that faces every adversary with boldness and faith, to be free of cultural shackles that give me false interpretations of what is greatness and what is admirable. I will aspire to be the fullness of what God has desired to be the person of Stephen Green.


Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Waking Up

Recent events in my life have caused significant shifts in person that is Stephen Green (a.k.a. me). I will refrain from details at this time since I am unsure of what is currently shareable. I do not wish to make this post about the actions that were taken, but instead about the reactions that have been developed. 

I feel more like myself than I ever have before. This feeling is derived from cognate thought and realizations and not just the leadings of my gut. No, I have seen true, identifiable changes in my actions and behavior that lead to say "The dead in me is coming alive; the sleeping is awakening." In the midst of the storm, I have found that I am able to stand strong. Where I thought myself weak, I have found that weight of the world has proven otherwise. The desert has taught me to drink water, and the raging sea has taught me I can sail. Like Frodo learning he can resist the power of the Ring, it is the darkness coming into my life that has revealed my strength. I know that this strength is what God has implanted deep with my since birth, but He has taken me on a journey in which much of my being has been repressed and oppressed by my environment, but now He is forcing that which has been repressed to come out of hiding and stand tall in the light. 

God has given me this strength, but the strength is indeed mine. What I have is what was given to me and I must own it. In the swirling torrent of thoughts and emotions that have invaded my space, I seek to know God and to know others and be known by both; to find  peace and understanding as I fight off the "demons" that seek to destroy me. Christ is redeeming me from my sin as well as from the sins of others. He is waking me up. 

Healing in Darkness

When you think of healing you probably think of relief, light, happiness, peace, etc. These are the places that we often associate as being closest to God and the areas in which He most speaks to us. It is easy to come to the conclusion that God, being Light, speaks to us in the periods of light that we walk through. 

"The Light shines in the Darkness, and the Darkness has not overcome it..."   -John 1

This is the push within a lot of categories of Christianity. It is a push to reach a spiritual high; to focus, worship, and pray hard enough and long enough to enter into a place of God's "presence" that they might hear Him speaking to them and guiding them.

I have often heard it preached that you are either moving closer to God or you are backsliding; there is no middle ground or stagnation. One must seek God or they will move into darkness and experience the consequences thereof. Often, this understanding of the spiritual life of a Christian and his/her relationship to God is hard to reconcile with reality. What happens when the Christian that follows faithfully the teaching of His pastor/priest, prays continuously, attends services weekly, and reads scripture consistently, but faces times of darkness, despair, apathy, and physical/financial/emotional destruction?

The answer is often "It's just the devil!" and then they quote scripture and state that these "trials and tribulations" are proof that one is living right and the Devil is just mad. So the one enduring hardship and struggle goes on with his little "word of encouragement" and tries to endure. Labeling it all as spiritual warfare, he prays that God will come quickly from whatever distant star He watches from to come to his aid and deliver him from the impending darkness. All the while, not realizing that God is right there with him, leading him deeper into the darkness and into suffering because He knows that though His child prays for relief, it is more beneficial that he suffers.

Too often we fail to see God in the midst of our darkest moments. We beg and plead, we may even demand, healing and most of the time we expect that healing to be instant. We pray for closeness to God and expect butterflies in our stomachs or the feeling that a major weight has been lifted. Though God does do this from time to time, it is not the rule. Instead, He leads us to place of suffering that may, or may not, include the demonic. The hard truth is that sometimes, Satan just isn't involved.

"He has caused me to dwell in darkness as those who are long dead..." -Lamentations 8

What is most true is that God loves us. We as humans, however, often hold falsehoods and misunderstandings as to what love is and how God should display that love. Love is the sacrifice of oneself for another, but love is also discipline for one's wrong doing. Love is a parent forcing their child to pick up an instrument and bear the pain of practicing, or pushing them to practice soccer so that they will not be humiliated on the field or refusing to let them give up just because something is hard. If a parent would cause their child to endure hardship and struggle to become a better individual, how much more with God do this out of His infinite and perfect love.

"Then, there was a still, small whisper. And God was in it." - 1 Kings

God speaks most in the silent places of our lives. In our darkest and most hideous places in life, He speaks to us the clearest. He does the most healing when we are forced to expose our wounds and weaknesses. We are often drawn back into the deepest and darkest parts of our souls so that out of our toiling, that Christ might shine through all the brighter. God is answering the prayers for closeness and holiness, and it is our duty to learn to recognize God's hand in the darkness, allow others to help us in our weakness, and then to help others in theirs.

The greatest metaphor for this that I've ever heard comes from C.S. Lewis' "The Horse and His Boy". In the latter part of the book, the young boy finds himself walking down around and is suddenly overcome by a thick fog. He is unable to see anything! All is silent and He doesn't know where to go or what to do, so he just keeps walking slowly, hoping to reach his destination in time. Before long he hears breathing and senses the presence of "another" next to him. He is afraid because he cannot see what walks beside him, but he knows it's there. The unknown being leads him wordlessly through the fog into clarity. Only then does the boy realize that he had been walking beside a massive lion! The lion was, of course, Aslan. Aslan then began speaking the boy and revealing His working in the boy's life, though he was oblivious to it all.

May we learn to see God when we lie in our dungeons or when we walk in the middle of the desert. May we learn to trust the unseen One in the fog that leads us with nothing more than the whisper of His breathing.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen