I Am Clay

The last 6 weeks of my life have been a whirlwind! I feel a great need to rest and to process all that has happened in my life since I started my job in the residential field. God has built me up and then broken me back down again, and now I sense Him building me back up.

For the first time in my life the Scriptural metaphor of the Potter and the Clay has become something I can deeply relate to. I'm being torn down and remade like the clay in the hands of a Potter. I feel it within my soul and I see it in my daily life. I'm being made new.

As I sat in the boy's lodge today writing away on one of my weekly reports, I felt overwhelmed at the realization of how much I've changed. I've changed in way that I had hoped and in so many ways I never expected. I pray that God gives me strength and continues to do this work in me as I live out my life and seek to give life to the dead, peace to those at war with themselves, and truth to those have known nothing but lies.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Encouraged by Frustration

"You can't save them you know." 

These words echoed in my soul for hours. I had no idea that as I walked into the dining hall that I would stumble into a conversation with one of the campus counselors. I also did not know that I would be talking about my soul rather than those of my Littles. I did not know that in a brief moment of conversation that I would have my defenses and masks swept away and that I would be left to deal the reality of my limitations and, ultimately, leave encouraged and affirmed.

This was neither the first, nor the last, spontaneous conversation of encouragement and honest that I received this past week. Even though I did not want to be exposed and to become unraveled, it was necessary for my heart and health so that I might persevere. 

My frustrations over the last couple days, as the counselor noted, were not out of petty thinking or sin or out of being a failure. They were, in fact, a result of good things. I have poured myself out and I have given myself in full to the task at hand; to helping teens and to loving them with all that I have. This past week, however, has been full of negative events and a great deal of "firsts" that I wasn't expecting and that I had not the time to process. So naturally I felt the tension and frustration that came with, what appeared to be, regression. 

"Just walk with them. Take care of yourself, and continue to love them."

I told the counselor of the things that I was dealing with and how I felt like I was not succeeding in my task to love them well. Additionally, I shared my concerns about where I was lacking and how much I hated that my limitations and how I was quickly all these limitations. To which she responded, in loving sarcasm, "Oh, you're human? You can't work here. Sorry, only super-humans can be Bigs" Oh man! Talk about getting a slap of reality! No one is perfect, and being down or frustrated not a bad thing. For me, it become the evidence of my working hard and of my giving my all. In the midst of giving my all, however, I forgot that I'm not Superman. 

"Just walk through life with them."

Christ doesn't call us to be perfect. He calls us to love and to seek Him. He calls us to walk alongside the hurting as the take this journey called Life and to say "Hey, I love you and God loves you. Don't quit." You don't have to be perfect to do that. There is room to be frustrated and to make mistakes and that...that is encouraging.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

"As Those Long Dead"

At some point in my teenage years I decided to read Lamentations just because it was there (and because I couldn't recall ever reading it). I had no idea what I was about to read. At the time I was painfully unaware of the definition of "lament", nor had I practiced such an action as lamenting to God. I wasn't quite connecting with the book until I began the 3rd chapter.

"He causes me to dwell in darkness as those long dead..."

-Lamentations 3:6

As a read the words that spoke of pain and suffering; the expressions of feeling abandoned by God, I began to cry. The words resonated in my soul and I ceased reading before I finished the chapter. These were the darkest words that I had ever read outside of my own prayer journal, and they were in the Bible! What was I to think of this? Was I reading it right? How could there be scriptures of such pain and misery?

"But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."

-Lamentations 3:21-23

The Orthodox have a belief that the life of the believer is one of rhythms and patterns. We go through time of Darkness - and that Darkness can be overwhelming at times! - but it placed in our paths to lead us out of self-destruction and sin; to strengthen us and lead us in to deeper knowledge of God and into states of holiness. Yes, it is painful to walk in shadow and to feel as though God has abandoned you, but He will not let it last forever. Faith, Hope and Love at the gifts that God grants those who ask, and these gifts are the tool that get us through! 

"Though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I shall fear no evil..."

-Psalm 23:4

Walk through the Shadows; stay in the Light.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Still Learning

Often when I go through an experience, I walk away having learned something. I turn around and I have a blog post within a day or two about what I learned about the experience, but I never follow up weeks and months down the road with what I am still learning. Sometimes I don't continue to learn from an experience. In fact, I too often finish my blog and then consider the lesson learned and move on. 

        It is an injustice....

If I don't make the most out each mistake then I am not treating the experience with respect. I am depriving myself of growth and transformation if I don't let my experiences continue to shape and mold me into a better man. The fact is... 

                                                               ...I know better...

And I have the ability and responsibility of learning all I can from each new experience; from every trial and from every mistake. The knowing better only makes it even worse that I don't follow through with my experiences. I don't want to be doomed to give immediate, unprocessed, and non-fermented advice just to turn around and repeat my error. This is not only an injustice to myself, it is also and injustice to those who I cross paths with throughout my life. I see my error...

                                                                                                                       ...and I apologize.

Life done well requires learning. It requires trial and error. I pray that this is something that I can hold on to; that I can continue to remember in the years that God grants me so I might glean knowledge to my fullest ability and be able to present myself as a living sacrifice. To be humble in all matters and teachable that I might in return teach others what I've learned. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen 

Cleaning Up When You've Messed Up

One can gain a great deal of knowledge and life experience from choosing to live with thirty or more males in intentional community. When two-thirds of that group, however, did not choose to be a part of the community as you did...experience is infinite! 

I've officially completed two weeks at Shelterwood (one full week as a full fledged Big) and I've already learned a few things that I know that I will carry with me long past the completion of my contract, but will also have to re learn a few times while I'm here.

You will make mistakes!

Yesterday I found myself in my first power struggle with one of my boys...and it sucked! It got me no where and only made him angrier than he already was. I knew he was angry and yet I pushed for answers and refused to leave till I had. Thankfully, I only made this error for about thirty seconds, but it was thirty seconds of me being a "King James Donkey!" A house director came in and took over and the teen opened up and de-escalated.

                                                             Admit when you're wrong!

I messed up. I pushed and I pulled when I should have given him the time to cool off. Additionally, I didn't have the relationship with him to confront him or talk it out. I remember being a teen and having adults trying to force words out of me and not caring about my feeling sad or angry or depressed. I was pushed further into defense mode as a result and felt less and less safe with each occurrence. 

I later approached him concerning the matter and apologized for my being stubborn and for pushing so hard. We're cool now, but if I had never taken the time to reach out and admit my being wrong he and I would be far from ok. By manning up and confessing my error I took a relationship from distorted to being better than it was before the altercation. 

Don't expect the same courtesy!

Even though I apologized, I didn't get an apology in return, but that's ok! I didn't expect one. It was my responsibility to own up to my mistakes. He may not have said it with words, but he expressed it in action. Sometimes that is something you just have live with. Long before I came here, I came to the conclusion that a forced apology is an insincere apology and I want nothing to do with those. Apologies come in may shapes and forms, just learning to accept them. 

Furthermore, being willing to accept the reality that you might give kindness and love to someone and they might never show it back is just a part of the Christian life. Love given with the expectation of love returned is a conditional love. We are called to be better than bearers of conditional love. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen