Reset

Sometimes I wish life was like my old Nintendo...if I mess up I can just hit "reset" and try again. Eventually I'd have every move, every step planned out perfectly to react to the appropriate approaching obstacle that I wouldn't have had foresight to avoid the first run through. Sadly, life doesn't come with a reset button. Whatever happens is "auto saved" in real time and there is nothing that we can do about time that slips by us.

Many might say that I am too young to begin thinking like this...I don't think so. I might be, however, too young to know how to handle such a realization. No? Ok. In that case I have not the maturity and strength of will to handle it. I want to despair over time wasted and words spoken in vain. This, however, is not a very godly way of approaching life, and it is void of grace. Grace should overwhelm our lives. No it should not become a justification for wasting time or sinning, but it should allow us to say "Ok, I messed up...but I can do better and I don't have to be angry or feel condemned for what I have or haven't done."

One of the most striking phrases I have heard in a church service was during a time of confession during a vespers service that I attended at an AMIA (Anglican Mission to America) church service. It went like this :

"Heavenly Father, we confess that we have sinned against You in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done and by what we have left undone. We have not loved You with our whole hearts; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves..."

Every time I say this words, I sense the presence of God. In my yielding and confessing I sense His grace being poured out on me and I am renewed. It has come to my attention of late that I am not so gracious to myself. I do not think it possible for one to "forgive" one's own self, but I do think it possible to withhold grace from oneself. This I do often. I also do not own up to reality and say "what is don't is behind me, don't fret it and make the change." This is the most ungodly thing about me that I can currently name.

To day I heard a priest say "it sinful to think too highly of yourself, but it also sinful to think too lowly of yourself." Here is where I fall short time and time again. It's something that affects more than just me, but also my friends and loved ones. This is not what I desire for the rest of my life. Instead I'd rather stand tall, look at all that has transpired, and say "no more!" So I pray for the Holy Spirit's continual loving mercy to mold and shape my mind and my heart that I might move forward in peace to love and serve the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. To live...truly live life in the presence of God the Almighty and enjoy His creation unto my death.

Peace be with you all.

Stephen