Friendship...tis a Wonderful Thing!

Today I was reflecting over how my last four years have significantly shaped my world. An are that I used to have trouble with was the area of friendship. NO...it was not because I was home-schooled. The fact is that it has been difficult for me long before homeschooling. I never quite connected with others as well as they seemed to connect. I was always hanging out with the kids who were Star Wars lovers, or the ones who just liked to look at my drawings. I have had one kid try to buy a drawing from me once! (To this day I regret not taking that 5 bucks...)

But I digress. Some of the issues I faced in my life were: 1) The overwhelming desire to be better than everyone else, 2) The desire for everyone to like me (you should already be seeing a problem), 3) The belief that I am unlikable, 4) The awareness of being different than everyone else. I was more compassionate towards people, I didn't ever think girls were "icky", I was more considerate to others and their feelings, I was more emotional, I didn't like watching sports or talking about cars, I am ginger...

So even at a very early age I faced an identity crisis, and I wasn't sure how to deal with it. I eventually lost myself to my insecurities and self hatred.

Now that I'm done with giving my testimony snip it for the day, lets get back to the topic. Going to college has helped me stand up and us my abilities as a social person. In fact I am well gifted as a social person and friend (though many would not have known this before my having gone to college).

I know for sure that God led me to Bryan College so that I could experience what it means to be in community. It is an essential for humanity that I have seriously been deprived of because of poorly run churches growing up or varies circumstances that I faced.

Tonight I got home from work to find a package on my desk from my friend in Connecticut. She sent me chocolates, because in the last two years that I've known here I have consistently brought her chocolates when she was sick. Me never being sick, didn't quite give her the opportunity to return the favor, but since I've been sick this entire week...she took advantage of the situation to really brighten my day :) It's amazing how something as simple as a bag of chocolates can have such meaning and have an affect of that magnitude!

I also got the opportunity to have dinner with a friend of mine that I haven't seen in a couple month. She and I shared many stories and experiences that we had endured at our work places in the last couple months and shared thoughts and opinions. This was such a refreshing experience for me since it is not often that I get to have conversations like that!

Additionally, I had one friend call to invite me over for dinner with him and his wife. I had to decline due to my previously acquired plans for dinner, but the fact that I was invited was significant to me.

One friend called to see how I was after reading my blog post and seeing I was sick, another to tell me how she got an invite to dating sight from a guy who was crushing on her 6 years ago, and the list goes on.

The point is that friendships have refreshed me, brought me joy, caused me pain, and shaped me into a better person. I have been able to grow and become more and more Me than I was just a few years ago, and college has caused that to grow in even greater doses! If God had not changed me back when I was 16 and began to put friends into my life...and then also not led me to Bryan...then I would be a jumbled mess of a person and without love of life or people...or even God. In His grace He has allowed me to love people and for people to love me so that I can honor Him and love Him even more than I did before.

Our relationships with God are indeed personal, but they are not private. They are collectively personal. That's how God uses us to help each other, while also being their in the midst. It's not just one-on-one. It's One-on-one-on-7 Billion. Friendship is God's tool in our lives to keep us whole and healthy. What have your friends done for you lately? :)

Peace be with you all,

Stephen

"Shall We Dance?"

Today I was disgustingly sick. Headache, weak, stopped up, cough deeply, and even threw up a couple times. Didn't want to eat, didn't want to move...it sucked. So I did what I always do when I feel like that. That's right, you guessed it. Brewed myself a hot drink and watched a chick flick. haha. Tonight I chose "Shall We Dance?" starring Richard Gere and Jennifer Lopez. I love this movie. Tonight, however, I didn't just enjoy it. I was MOVED by it.

No no, when I say "moved" I don't mean "oh man it was so sad it made me cry!" (Though I did do that too. Should God grace me with a wife I'm certain she will appreciate this attribute of mine. Just saying), but what I do mean is that I was challenged and I was inspired!

The movie contains two primary characters and about a half dozen secondary characters, and then about a half dozen characters that are a step below that. What we see in this movie is that the two primaries (John Clark and Paulina) are both facing a season of their lives in which they have lost direction and happiness. Their worlds collide, and through friendship (and dance) they go on a journey of self discovery and growth. Throughout the entire movie, you will see that there is character development taking place. Lives are changed.

The message is clear, don't sit on the sidelines of your life. Get up and go "dance"! Don't let fears get in the way and don't just get caught up in the mundane. Lastly it had a theme of "be yourself".

These are all significant themes for me. These are areas in which I struggle in life. I think a lot of times we hold ourselves back, either because of fear or because we let others rule our lives. They rule us through manipulation, lies, teaching, our own bitterness and unforgiveness, etc etc etc. We must learn to over come this. We must stop worrying about what others think about us and live out who God has made us to be. We do Him a severe injustice by not being the people that He has designed. I long for the change and growth that I saw take place in the movie. Even though the movie is not real, I think it bears truth and shows what can take place in real lives everywhere.

Peace be with you all,

Stephen

Authentic Friendship and the Problem of Equality

Friendship is such an interesting aspect of the Image of God in our lives, and is something not easily understood. In the life of the minister, employer, or person of authority it is even more difficult. As a former youth leader and a Christian Ministry major, I will thus focus on the the difficulties that a minister must face concerning the topic.

"It is loneliest at the top..."

I had the privilege of sitting down yesterday with a local college minister who was wrestling with this very issue. The problem he was trying to process in his mind was the idea of "professional distance" and having "authentic relationships".

I asked people I knew what their thoughts were. One woman, being a supervisor at here work, shared that having a close friendship with those under yourself is difficult. She had this to say:

"It is hard to be a friend and boss at the same time and you always have those under you who might misinterpret the friendship and feel you owe them a favor, in a working place. I tried being a friend to all of my employees but I had to make sure that when it came to direction they understood; that I was coming from the boss side of me. But, I also allowed them to vent to me without repercussions. But this takes a lot of energy out of you to do this; but I found that if you give them respect, they give you respect in return. I hope this helps from my point of view as a supervisor. I know there are people who believe opposite as I do and have a set of demands for the people under them."

But what about the position of the minister? Is the minister supposed to be a shaper of community and relationship? Absolutely! I talked with 4 other people and 3 of them stated that it is indeed possible to have an authentic relationship between a minister and members of the congregation. One even claimed to have even seen it unfold in her own church back home!

It's the fourth friend's opinion that really struck me, however, and led me to rethinking my own position, or at least my approach to the issue. He stated that ministers/pastors/priests are the spiritual authority over their parish/church. He listed the following reasons as to why the answer is "no":

1. They must be unbiased in the even that there is dispute among the laity. 
2. They cannot allow themselves to appear as if they are showing favoritism. 
3. They must maintain the respect of the people they are over and in pouring themselves out to people within a congregation they run the risk of losing their ability to minister to those same people. 
4. It is hard/nearly impossible to have a purely disciple-mentor relationship in which the mentor can pour out his heart. He's supposed to be a voice of wisdom and understanding for the one being discipled. 

This covers the basis of what my friend had to share. Diving a little deeper into the matter, we concluded that it is not IMPOSSIBLE for there to be a said friendship. Actually I believe that a minister can effectively cultivate many authentic friendships with those that he ministers to and is in spiritual authority over, but the depth of those friendships and the vulnerability will be limited from person to person. Lets be honest, we want to be friends with those who are spiritually mature and to be mentored by those who are exceedingly above our own maturity. The minister would not want to seek wisdom and advice from someone who is spiritually immature. On the flip side, the person who is spiritually mature does not need the same level or type of discipling. It's possible, but the conditions must be right for it to happen. It depends on the minister and the individual congregant. 

For me, I can be close to a minister and still uphold him with respect and follow his authority, but there aren't that many who can. This is a significant factor to consider in the issue. There does not have to be equality in authority or intellect or wisdom, but they are significant factor to the equation. It's why so many friendships go through rough seasons and many even grow apart, but it isn't impossible. I also wonder how much of this is a side effect of the American culture. Thoughts anyone???

Peace be with you all,

Stephen

Church Math

It's amazing that there aren't more mathematicians coming out of the Church these days. In recent years, Christians seem to have become really good at doing math! Pastors are always talking about addition and increase in peoples finances. In many baptist churches, people are incredibly involved in the budgeting and Christians all across America understand percentages (and usually make sure that they hit exactly 10%; making sure to give enough to please God but not too much so as to seem generous).

I can't tell you how many times I've heard pastors talk about the Church getting better at multiplication, but Google tells me that, at forty-one thousand denominations, it is more accurate to say that the Church has mastered division.

Legalistic teaching has led people to subtracting from their lives things that God does not really want removed, and adding rules and restrictions that imply a works based grace. Many have even claimed to reach a state of sanctification which is squarely rooted in pride and ignorance. Pastors are too busy formulating services and sermons to draw people in and make them happy because they are too concerned with the quantity in the pews and not the quality in the classrooms.

I think it's funny how so many Protestants get angry about cathedrals that display a lofty expression of love for God, while so many aren't willing to give to the poor or even pay their "tithes and offerings". People to busy pointing figures to point other people's flaws when they haven't even gotten close to getting the equation right themselves.

When the positives and the negatives all even out, there is nothing there to brag about. All that's left is a dead, stagnant body that has found it's medium and become lukewarm.

The problem is not the Church's math, but instead it's their application. God didn't call us to live in health, wealth, and prosperity. He called us to live holy. He made us to govern creation, to love Him and to love others. He already laid out a paradigm for us to follow in His scriptures.

It's my life.

Tonight I had a much needed hang out time with a friend that I haven't seen in months! We started getting caught up on our lives and talking about what we've been through and where we are going in life. She is packing up and moving to Hawaii! HOLY CRAP! That's quite a move! We talked for a while and she shared how she felt like it was something that is much needed in her life right now.

"It's your life, stop worrying about what other people think"

As for me, the idea seems scary, but it's not like I haven't contemplated doing similar things. As we talked further she looked at me and told me that I needed to stop living my life worrying about what other people think. She told me that I needed to stop living to please people and remember that even though it's good to give and to care for others, it cannot be at the cost of myself. I cannot lose myself and who I am because I'm afraid of what others might think of me or because someone might get hurt.

It's true. While I desire to never hurt people, it is impossible. I'm only human, and the fact is...so is everyone else. I know better than anyone how easy it is to get one's feelings hurt over nothing or from misunderstanding. It happens. People are hurting and broken, and if I live to never hurt anyone...then I'm just going to suffocate.

It's not wrong to put other peoples needs aside to take care of your own. The fact is that if you ignore your issues, then you are crippling yourself and becoming less effective to help others. It's why so many pastors and church leaders burn out. They forget to take care of their own needs because they feel the pressure to take care of everyone else's. They fail to set up proper boundaries that allow themselves time to relax and renew. It's not selfish, it's necessary and biblical. Even Jesus did it.

I have a life to live, I have a soul to tend to, and I have a body to manage. It's my life and I'm responsible for how I live it and what I do with my time that God has given to me. Worrying about what others think or letting others tell me how to run it is not being a good steward.

"A man that is at war with himself, will be at war with others." 

It's plain and simple. If I want to help others and be an instrument of healing and life in the world, then I need to take the time to heal myself and to grow closer to God.

So I'm just going to be real here. My relationship with God has been shifting a lot. While I've had a couple people say a few things that imply that they do not think very much of my spiritual life, many others have said good things. I have learned that ratios of positive versus negative opinions do not give an accurate report of one's spiritual life. So I must ignore both...for the most part. I have Spiritual people in my life that I trust to be honest and to speak what is beneficial to my life, regardless of whether it is positive or negative.

I do not pray as I used to, with shouting and jumping and angry shouting against the devil. I do, however, pray with great heartache, great passion, desire, and honesty. I think that honesty and depth in prayer is far more important than how I pray. It makes little difference to God, I think, whether one is dancing and shouting...or if they are sitting cross-legged on the floor in quiet contemplation. I also think He cares little about what music is playing while we are praying, if any. He doesn't want us to ramble; He wants us to pray words of sincerity and thoughtful contemplation. Just my thoughts.

My spiritual life has suffered of late, because I have failed to take care of my emotional needs, my intellectual needs, and my physical needs. I have failed to uphold necessary boundaries for others and for myself, and as a result my spiritual self grows weak and sick. Encourage me because you love me, talk to me cause you like me, listen to me cause you genuinely want to be there for me, and if you just want to use and control me so go ahead and walk away. Even if I never know it, God does and trust...He got my back.

Peace be with you all,

Stephen