It's my life.

Tonight I had a much needed hang out time with a friend that I haven't seen in months! We started getting caught up on our lives and talking about what we've been through and where we are going in life. She is packing up and moving to Hawaii! HOLY CRAP! That's quite a move! We talked for a while and she shared how she felt like it was something that is much needed in her life right now.

"It's your life, stop worrying about what other people think"

As for me, the idea seems scary, but it's not like I haven't contemplated doing similar things. As we talked further she looked at me and told me that I needed to stop living my life worrying about what other people think. She told me that I needed to stop living to please people and remember that even though it's good to give and to care for others, it cannot be at the cost of myself. I cannot lose myself and who I am because I'm afraid of what others might think of me or because someone might get hurt.

It's true. While I desire to never hurt people, it is impossible. I'm only human, and the fact is...so is everyone else. I know better than anyone how easy it is to get one's feelings hurt over nothing or from misunderstanding. It happens. People are hurting and broken, and if I live to never hurt anyone...then I'm just going to suffocate.

It's not wrong to put other peoples needs aside to take care of your own. The fact is that if you ignore your issues, then you are crippling yourself and becoming less effective to help others. It's why so many pastors and church leaders burn out. They forget to take care of their own needs because they feel the pressure to take care of everyone else's. They fail to set up proper boundaries that allow themselves time to relax and renew. It's not selfish, it's necessary and biblical. Even Jesus did it.

I have a life to live, I have a soul to tend to, and I have a body to manage. It's my life and I'm responsible for how I live it and what I do with my time that God has given to me. Worrying about what others think or letting others tell me how to run it is not being a good steward.

"A man that is at war with himself, will be at war with others." 

It's plain and simple. If I want to help others and be an instrument of healing and life in the world, then I need to take the time to heal myself and to grow closer to God.

So I'm just going to be real here. My relationship with God has been shifting a lot. While I've had a couple people say a few things that imply that they do not think very much of my spiritual life, many others have said good things. I have learned that ratios of positive versus negative opinions do not give an accurate report of one's spiritual life. So I must ignore both...for the most part. I have Spiritual people in my life that I trust to be honest and to speak what is beneficial to my life, regardless of whether it is positive or negative.

I do not pray as I used to, with shouting and jumping and angry shouting against the devil. I do, however, pray with great heartache, great passion, desire, and honesty. I think that honesty and depth in prayer is far more important than how I pray. It makes little difference to God, I think, whether one is dancing and shouting...or if they are sitting cross-legged on the floor in quiet contemplation. I also think He cares little about what music is playing while we are praying, if any. He doesn't want us to ramble; He wants us to pray words of sincerity and thoughtful contemplation. Just my thoughts.

My spiritual life has suffered of late, because I have failed to take care of my emotional needs, my intellectual needs, and my physical needs. I have failed to uphold necessary boundaries for others and for myself, and as a result my spiritual self grows weak and sick. Encourage me because you love me, talk to me cause you like me, listen to me cause you genuinely want to be there for me, and if you just want to use and control me so go ahead and walk away. Even if I never know it, God does and trust...He got my back.

Peace be with you all,

Stephen