Authentic Friendship and the Problem of Equality

Friendship is such an interesting aspect of the Image of God in our lives, and is something not easily understood. In the life of the minister, employer, or person of authority it is even more difficult. As a former youth leader and a Christian Ministry major, I will thus focus on the the difficulties that a minister must face concerning the topic.

"It is loneliest at the top..."

I had the privilege of sitting down yesterday with a local college minister who was wrestling with this very issue. The problem he was trying to process in his mind was the idea of "professional distance" and having "authentic relationships".

I asked people I knew what their thoughts were. One woman, being a supervisor at here work, shared that having a close friendship with those under yourself is difficult. She had this to say:

"It is hard to be a friend and boss at the same time and you always have those under you who might misinterpret the friendship and feel you owe them a favor, in a working place. I tried being a friend to all of my employees but I had to make sure that when it came to direction they understood; that I was coming from the boss side of me. But, I also allowed them to vent to me without repercussions. But this takes a lot of energy out of you to do this; but I found that if you give them respect, they give you respect in return. I hope this helps from my point of view as a supervisor. I know there are people who believe opposite as I do and have a set of demands for the people under them."

But what about the position of the minister? Is the minister supposed to be a shaper of community and relationship? Absolutely! I talked with 4 other people and 3 of them stated that it is indeed possible to have an authentic relationship between a minister and members of the congregation. One even claimed to have even seen it unfold in her own church back home!

It's the fourth friend's opinion that really struck me, however, and led me to rethinking my own position, or at least my approach to the issue. He stated that ministers/pastors/priests are the spiritual authority over their parish/church. He listed the following reasons as to why the answer is "no":

1. They must be unbiased in the even that there is dispute among the laity. 
2. They cannot allow themselves to appear as if they are showing favoritism. 
3. They must maintain the respect of the people they are over and in pouring themselves out to people within a congregation they run the risk of losing their ability to minister to those same people. 
4. It is hard/nearly impossible to have a purely disciple-mentor relationship in which the mentor can pour out his heart. He's supposed to be a voice of wisdom and understanding for the one being discipled. 

This covers the basis of what my friend had to share. Diving a little deeper into the matter, we concluded that it is not IMPOSSIBLE for there to be a said friendship. Actually I believe that a minister can effectively cultivate many authentic friendships with those that he ministers to and is in spiritual authority over, but the depth of those friendships and the vulnerability will be limited from person to person. Lets be honest, we want to be friends with those who are spiritually mature and to be mentored by those who are exceedingly above our own maturity. The minister would not want to seek wisdom and advice from someone who is spiritually immature. On the flip side, the person who is spiritually mature does not need the same level or type of discipling. It's possible, but the conditions must be right for it to happen. It depends on the minister and the individual congregant. 

For me, I can be close to a minister and still uphold him with respect and follow his authority, but there aren't that many who can. This is a significant factor to consider in the issue. There does not have to be equality in authority or intellect or wisdom, but they are significant factor to the equation. It's why so many friendships go through rough seasons and many even grow apart, but it isn't impossible. I also wonder how much of this is a side effect of the American culture. Thoughts anyone???

Peace be with you all,

Stephen