Not Speaking my Mind?

It's incredible how much of the unknown we actually know about ourselves. 

Yes, yes...what I just said was completely nonsensical but that's part of the point.

This week I had two or three conversations that started with that ominous question "how are you?" and out of nowhere all the stuff that I didn't even realize was going on inside just poured out between my teeth! It seems that my tongue knows more about the state of my soul than my brain does. 

Odd how we can feel like we are completely fine, but the moment someone asks about the deeper things all this junk bubbles up to the surface! A classic case of stuffing and denial meeting reality in the moment of need. 

I am grateful for friends who are safe for me and are willing to filter through those things with me; for people who can help me understand that there are things going on that I am not fully aware of in my heart. 

This is another example of the necessity of community. I do a lot of reflecting and meditating. As a result I am able to sort through a lot of things, but I can't get them all. To meditate on something first requires a place to start, and I don't always know where that place is. Community points to the things that I can't see and forces me to be honest about the things that I myself am not capable of being honest about on my own. 

Being here at Shelterwood has definitely not been easy, but I have received a thousand blessings through this place, and God has used my time here to shape me, grow me, and teach me more about community than I ever thought possible in a single year. Through community He has taught me more about myself than I ever thought possible as well! 

Sometimes, we really need to be able to speak the things on our heart for them to become clear to us and I thank God that He placed those beautiful, safe people in my life to be able to grow into the man that I long to be.

Dealing with Loneliness

Feeling alone is a frapped up way to live life, but it the reality that most of us face. Even the infamous introvert faces these moments of loneliness and need to find connection somewhere.

What do you do in those moments when you feel...down? Anxious? Alone? Unheard and misunderstood?

I think that I tried to make the solution to these issues too complicated. I thought there had to be something big and complex to overcome what I felt like the giant monster in my life. Makes sense right? The bigger the beast the bigger the gun to kill it with.

What if it isn't so complicated? What if our logic is more assumption than fact?

I think that this is an important lesson that God is teaching me right now.

First and foremost, lets get the Sunday school answer on out of the way! Christ is always with us. Reality. Fact. Another fact is that I will never fully grasp that. I can't see Him, and when things are "out of sight"...well, you know the saying. It isn't always enough to know He is present. Should it be? Ha, why you asking me?!

I think loneliness is a sign, like all emotions, that there is a "need" in our lives that isn't being met or that there is a wound that isn't healed.

Most of us have stuff that we aren't dealing with. We don't want to. I mean, why should I?! It hurts! But until I do, I will never experience the fullness of life and joy; the healthiness that God wants for me.

So how do I deal with loneliness?

SS Answer: Pray. This actually is a huge remedy for me! I was super lonely and attention-needy last night, and I knew it so I started praying: resisting the desire to go find fulfillment in others (thank God my phone was dead!). After some time I just looked up at the stars and said, "I know You're there but I can't always remember it. You don't make this easy. Help 'cause I can't do this. I don't want to be attention seeking. I want to give not take."

God met me where I was last night and I had some of the most honest processing and praying I've had in quite some time. Can't always get into the mode though.

Sometimes you just need to find a friend. We were meant to be in community with others, so don't be afraid to rely on them! God is enough. God is all you need. You also need people. Paradox? Yes, but God is Lord over paradox. He is all we need and He made us to need people.

Sometimes you need to disconnect and go read a book. Use your imagination, exercise, draw, build, play a game, etc. Go have some fun. Something you enjoy. Something simple. Go find something to make you feel accomplished and productive.

I'm still learning how to deal with this stuff. Depression rears it's ugly head here and there. Loneliness creeps in. I can't sit by and expect it to just leave. I have to tell it to go, and then I have to fill that empty and cleaned out house with something beautiful and life-giving.

If you are lonely, I pray that God grants you peace and reveals His love of you to you that might find value in yourself. I pray that you find healing from whatever happened to you and are able to forgive the man (let's just face it...it's more likely a male) that hurt you. I pray that God put good, loving friends in your life who can be honest and can be compassionate towards you.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

3 Essentials of Surviving

I did it! I made it a full year as Direct Care Staff, and I even signed on for another year!

I was recently conversing with one of the new interns, just joking around and having casual conversation. Suddenly, she looked at me and asked the question that all interns ask at one point or another: "How did you survive your year?"

There were several times where I didn't think I was going to. At month 4 I had my first "I wanna quit" moment. At 6 months I had hit "The Wall" and I wasn't sure that I was being useful or that I had any benefit to the kids that I had come to know and love. At month 9 I grew worried about getting through the summer, and I was certain that I wasn't able to make it another year. 

At month 10 I was instilled with supernatural strength and destroyed the arch-demon Melphesto and...oh wait....sorry that was a video game...

At month 10 God helped me push through and gave me my second wind. At that point I knew (but didn't want to admit) that I was staying for a 2nd year and that I had found my niche. 

I had my struggles throughout the year, but something I realized was that IT WASN'T IMPOSSIBLE! And that it wasn't necessarily harder than what I had been going through before coming here. It was jut different. I had to learn a lot and I had to do it while tired. 

Every difficulty feels harder when it's in the moment. We can say a dozen times "this is the hardest thing I've ever been through" when the reality is that it's simply the most present difficulty and therefore feels like the most difficult. 

In light of the question that was asked, I decided to share the top 3 things that helped me and that, I believe, are essentials for surviving...residential care? Ministry? Voluntary Parenthood? Whatever you wanna call it. These apply to a lot more than my job. 

So let's get started!

1) I never would have made it if I had not learned proper Spiritual Self-Care. There were seasons where I pulled away from people and I spent time doing things I enjoyed, but that wasn't always enough. I needed to center myself in Christ. 

The best and most effective season of my year were when I took the time to not only pull away but to be intentional about meditating and praying. Reflecting on who I was and what I was going through and handing them over to God to be dealt with in unison with Him. 

This will probably look different for other people. Some need to dance and scream and blast praise music, while others need complete silence, and others still need to go for a run while they pray. 

2) Mentorship. Being intentional about finding and engaging mentorship is huge! Having a wiser and more experienced individual to pour into your life and listen to your struggles with genuine love is essential. 

Our growth and maturity is limited without the guidance and love of a mentor who can be honest, stern, and supportive. While we do have the Spirit to mentor and comfort, God did not intend for us to go through life without human mentors as well. That's why Christ set up the church as a model of how to mentor! 

3) Coffee. Just kidding! Brotherhood was huge part of making it through the year. If it weren't for my fellow Bigs standing with me and giving me love and support I would not have grown or succeeded as I did. 

I needed them and they needed me. We all tried to it alone for the longest time, but month 6 came around and the reality hit us all....we couldn't do it without community; without brotherhood. When we unified and worked together, then we had strength we never expected and we took our house out of a very rough spot and into a stability that no one thought possible. 

There are other things that helped me get through my year, but these are the top 3 that I believe made my year a success. Maybe you will find these to be the same for you as well. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Asking For Help

Help.

God knows I need it!

I began reading through a book by the incredible author Anne Lamott titled, "Help Thanks Wow: Three Essential Prayers" and OH MY WOW!

I didn't realize how badly I needed help, but even more importantly I didn't realize how afraid I was to ask for it.

I knew that I wasn't good at asking humans for help. Naturally I would struggle to ask the sentient beings of my own nature for help, but I'm also really bad at asking God for help. I keep a pretty long check list of prerequisites for a prayer to be acceptable, and not all of them are realistic. In fact it's legalistic. Always afraid of praying an "unholy prayer" I move into a place where I am not genuine about how I feel, what I believe, or what I really want.

That's not good for a relationship with fleshies....so why would I think it acceptable with God?

So here I say "HELP!' I can't do this on my own. I'm never alone but I too often give in to that lie that I am.

I love God, but I don't love God nearly as I should. In truth I often don't trust Him or believe that He cares. I may not doubt His existence, but His character? On the daily.

So thank you Ms. Lamott for your honesty and for reminding me of the importance of being honest in prayer. Thanks for the reminder to ask for help and to ask for one's own desires. May the King of Suns fill your life with light and air and give you peace.

And here is my prayer: Father of Light be my light. Make me Peace and forgive me of my anxiety and selfishness. Forgive me Merciful One for not being honest with You. Help me because I don't trust You. Help me because my life seems threatening and overwhelming. Help me because I often hate myself and feel like I can't change. Help me because I'm afraid of the change that I feel that I can't make. Please be kind to me in failures and discipline me to greater character and greater love. Help me to fail beautifully and to learn from my missteps.

Truly Yours,

Stephen D Green II