Still Learning

Often when I go through an experience, I walk away having learned something. I turn around and I have a blog post within a day or two about what I learned about the experience, but I never follow up weeks and months down the road with what I am still learning. Sometimes I don't continue to learn from an experience. In fact, I too often finish my blog and then consider the lesson learned and move on. 

        It is an injustice....

If I don't make the most out each mistake then I am not treating the experience with respect. I am depriving myself of growth and transformation if I don't let my experiences continue to shape and mold me into a better man. The fact is... 

                                                               ...I know better...

And I have the ability and responsibility of learning all I can from each new experience; from every trial and from every mistake. The knowing better only makes it even worse that I don't follow through with my experiences. I don't want to be doomed to give immediate, unprocessed, and non-fermented advice just to turn around and repeat my error. This is not only an injustice to myself, it is also and injustice to those who I cross paths with throughout my life. I see my error...

                                                                                                                       ...and I apologize.

Life done well requires learning. It requires trial and error. I pray that this is something that I can hold on to; that I can continue to remember in the years that God grants me so I might glean knowledge to my fullest ability and be able to present myself as a living sacrifice. To be humble in all matters and teachable that I might in return teach others what I've learned. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen 

Cleaning Up When You've Messed Up

One can gain a great deal of knowledge and life experience from choosing to live with thirty or more males in intentional community. When two-thirds of that group, however, did not choose to be a part of the community as you did...experience is infinite! 

I've officially completed two weeks at Shelterwood (one full week as a full fledged Big) and I've already learned a few things that I know that I will carry with me long past the completion of my contract, but will also have to re learn a few times while I'm here.

You will make mistakes!

Yesterday I found myself in my first power struggle with one of my boys...and it sucked! It got me no where and only made him angrier than he already was. I knew he was angry and yet I pushed for answers and refused to leave till I had. Thankfully, I only made this error for about thirty seconds, but it was thirty seconds of me being a "King James Donkey!" A house director came in and took over and the teen opened up and de-escalated.

                                                             Admit when you're wrong!

I messed up. I pushed and I pulled when I should have given him the time to cool off. Additionally, I didn't have the relationship with him to confront him or talk it out. I remember being a teen and having adults trying to force words out of me and not caring about my feeling sad or angry or depressed. I was pushed further into defense mode as a result and felt less and less safe with each occurrence. 

I later approached him concerning the matter and apologized for my being stubborn and for pushing so hard. We're cool now, but if I had never taken the time to reach out and admit my being wrong he and I would be far from ok. By manning up and confessing my error I took a relationship from distorted to being better than it was before the altercation. 

Don't expect the same courtesy!

Even though I apologized, I didn't get an apology in return, but that's ok! I didn't expect one. It was my responsibility to own up to my mistakes. He may not have said it with words, but he expressed it in action. Sometimes that is something you just have live with. Long before I came here, I came to the conclusion that a forced apology is an insincere apology and I want nothing to do with those. Apologies come in may shapes and forms, just learning to accept them. 

Furthermore, being willing to accept the reality that you might give kindness and love to someone and they might never show it back is just a part of the Christian life. Love given with the expectation of love returned is a conditional love. We are called to be better than bearers of conditional love. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

"Troubles" by Stephen Green II

They say troubles come in three’s;
I say troubles grow on trees.

Smoke billows ‘round weeping willows
All is silent on the tear-stained pillow.
In a young man’s room, where shadows promise comfort,
The loneliness of the Middle dampens every effort
To be more than just a byproduct of lust and desire;
To be more than a pawn’s head placed upon a spire.

They say troubles come in three’s
I say troubles grow on trees.

Shelters are prisons and forts are cages;
Punishments plus smiles are offered as wages.
Insensitively screaming “You think you got the stuff?!”
To the boy that dared to say “Dad, that’s enough!”
Other-worldly strength hidden behind weakness.
The strength of a man behind involuntary meekness.

They say troubles comes in three’s
I say troubles grow on trees.

Yet there’s hope in the strain
And priceless is the gain
When one survives the storm
And goes against the norm.
For a man most succeeds
When troubles grow on trees.

Falling into Friendship

When I was living in Knoxville I started attending Apostle's Anglican Church (mainly because it was extremely close to my apartment). While I had been exploring Anglicanism for a while, I shied away from being apart of an Anglican community because all of my friends were going that direction theologically. I wanted to make sure I wasn't just following them. For a while I explored a couple of the larger churches known for their worship, teaching, and ministries...but I always found myself lacking the community that I so desperately wanted.

While I eventually settled and joined a church, I began to grow weary. I felt that God was leading me to live in a more sacramental environment and that I was drawn to a liturgical setting more than ever. Finally I caved.

Thank God.

Liturgical and structured worship fed my hungry soul in a way I had never experienced. Contrary to some of the things I learned a child, It was not dry and stale, nor was lacking freedom or Spirit. No, surprisingly I found liberty in the structure. But more than that, I was blessed with friendship and community. I'm really not sure how or when it happened, but I woke up one day and found myself with relationships with others in this church.

I found people who actually cared.

I found love.

With this love, it began a journey to grow in my faith greater that I ever expected. From...

Recently, I felt God drawing me away from my community to commit to intentional community in Kansas City, MO. I came with expectations of struggle and even loneliness. I had no idea what really to expect other than that it would be difficult and forming. But, happily something else happened: I fell into friendship.

I never would have thought that I'd get this close to a group of complete strangers so quickly. While we all come from a dozen different places and us all having incredibly unique personalities, we connected.

And it started with a hello and it was solidified with a "let's pray."

That first night we gathered at the gazebo to pray about the coming year. It was in that moment that the Spirit opened us all up to the beauty of community and life in shared space and shared mission. it was evident in our words and in our love for another that Christ had called us there for Him and each other

I have no doubt that, like all communities, there will be times where we will want to kill each other, but that's natural. But the love of Christ is supernatural.

Friendship will endure.

Looking back I can see where I've always found friendship in this way: by stumbling across it. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Saying "So Long" to the South!

As many of you know, I have moved out of Tennessee! The last month has been a whirlwind of events, phone calls, writing, paperwork, travel, and learning! I now find myself dwelling in the bowels of the Midwest (a.k.a Kansas City, MO). What would make me move half way across the country on such a short notice you ask?

Well that is a bit of a loaded answer...

In March of this year I received an email from my professor at Bryan College informing me of an open position, as well as future plans to hire in May and August, at this place called Shelterwood. For over a year I had been living in Knoxville seeking God and wrestling through my passions and desires; trying to come to a final conclusion as what vocation I wanted to pursue. That's an overly simplified description of my reasons for being in Knoxville, but that would be the general overview. In the midst of my wrestling, receiving this email was a bit of unexpected event. I prayed about it, but kept shying away from pursuing the job due to uncertainty and self-questioning.

After wrestling through these things and continually being brought back to Shelterwood, I sat down with a dear friend of mine and shared my heart with him on the matter. Afterwards he gave me the words I needed to be able to move forward with my desire to apply: encouragement. I applied, and now I'm in Missouri!

Here is a video I took while driving up!

So why Shelterwood? Shelterwood is a therapeutic boarding school for teens experiencing all sorts of life struggles. Me? I'm a Big Brother/Direct Care Staff. My job is do life with them, get to know them, love them, protect them, hear their voices, and to share in their deepest pains and greatest joys! Easy? Heeeeckk no! but this is what I have chosen. It called to me, pulled at the deepest places of my soul and demanded my attention for months. This job is more than just a job. It is pushing me far outside the realms of comfort and ease; it is the place that God has drawn me to and has already had a significant affect on me as an individual! In just one week I've already seen God do some amazing thing in me, the kids, and the other "Bigs".

It has been difficult to give up my favorite coffee shops and hang outs, to leave my closest friends behind, and to take such a huge leap of faith into the void of uncertainty, but I know that I am where I belong and that after my year-long contract has ended that I'll be a completely different person and that God is going to make me even more into the man He designed me to be.

So here is to year of learning, purging, and growing. To learning the depth of love, grace, charity, and community.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen