"God Expects of us only what He Himself has supplied" -Tozer
Recently I had the wonderful pleasure of being in the wedding of two dear friends of mine in Minnesota. Since I live in Tennessee, I get inquires as to how I know these people that are so far north. To which I respond, "well, the bride is from Minnesota, the groom is from Hawaii [at this point there are eyebrows being raised] and I met them both when I went to Italy", and the reactions are like..."seriously?!" haha. Ok so enough background story as to why I was in Minnesota, what's important is what happened while I was there.
I severely enjoyed my time there and I got the chance to relax. After several days of being with people and getting wedding arrangements settled, and then actually doing the wedding, I got the opportunity to hang out with my old friend Kathleen, whom I also met in Italy, and a newly made friend Josh, whom the bride and groom met in Italy a year after meeting me (yea...Italy is awesome). I was so blessed to have met some amazing new people and to make connections with people that I would not have normally gotten to meet. It was my last day in Minnesota and my friend Kathleen and I dropped off our newly made friend Josh and we went to dinner to get caught up on life. THIS is where my title starts to be relevant...
For the first couple hours Kathleen and I shared our most recent life developments and expressed what we thought God was doing in our lives. Additionally we had some amazing gas station diner cuisine! After we had finished sharing I found myself staring out the window. Evidently it was obvious that I had something on my mind 'cause Kathleen asked me "What are ya thinking?!" This is a question that in the past has been one I avoided at all cost. I used to hate this question with a passion, and whenever it was asked of me it was like my mind would take everything and shove it away. I would immediately throw up walls and just say nothing. I never wanted anyone to know what I was thinking. That all started to change, however, when I was back in Italy with Kathleen, Bryson (the groom), and Abby (the bride) and we asked all sort of questions that beckoned us to share our thoughts and opinions, and even more recently Amanda (a friend from school) and I had made it a rule that whenever one of asks each other "what are you thinking" we would always answer fully and honestly.
So when Kathleen asked me it was only natural for me to begin sharing what was on my mind. At that I spent the next couple hours pouring out my heart and soul at a small booth in Middleofnowheresville, MN. Yes...yes I did cry. My friend sat there and listened with great patience, love, and grace at everything I had to say, allowing me to vent out some of my darkest pains and fears. after a great deal of time, I got to the point where I felt like I had completely emptied myself of my thoughts and could settle down again. It was a God ordained moment in which I was able to talk out things that I wasn't able to with others and had been holding back from quite some time.
One of the things that stands out to me now as I reflect on that conversation is our discussion on my being a perfectionist. I demand of myself that I live to a standard that no man can ever meet, resulting in a an overwhelming sense of failure and inadequacy. When I began to talk about God's grace, I was once again overwhelmed with great emotion and struggled to talk about it, but then I said "I know that God has given me grace, but I don't expect or trust humans to give me grace...but I guess I'm not supposed to right? That's not what grace is about. It's a gift, and I shouldn't expect grace form anyone, even God." Then I said, "I am so grateful for the grace that God has given to me, it's overwhelming and at times it feels like it's too much for me to bear because it is such an undeserved thing. I wish that He never had a reason to need to show me grace at all, that I would be perfect and not require grace for me to be with Him or anything."
Grace. It's an overwhelming, and incredibly complex characteristic of God and something that is often severely misunderstood within the Church, even though it is the foundation of our cause and existence. Christians have a tendency to totally misuse grace or forget that it exists.
This morning I say down to read a book called "Inspired by Tozer". It is a collection of essays written by many great Christian artists, musicians, and preachers about how they had been touched by the writing of Tozer. As I was scrolling through the list of authors I noticed that a preacher that I used to list to quite often (and who is highly revered by the church I formerly attended), Judah Smith. So I opened it up to his exert and began reading. The connection between his writings and the conversation that I had but a few days ago with Kathleen were incredible. The title that he chose for his essay was "Embrace Grace."
Pastor Smith likens grace to the gift that one gets from an aunt that he/she doesn't know what to do with and then simply puts in the closet, or to an awkward side hug given to an old friend. He makes the statement "Most of us don't have trouble believing that God could save us by grace. We know we are sinners, and that Jesus died for us..." and then goes on to say...
"pride is one of the greatest enemies of grace. We want to be good enough; we want to earn everything-that appeals to our egos. But we need to learn how to receive how to receive [grace] so that we will be able to give back out of the abundance of what God has given to us."
Lets just look at the other all attitude of Christians worldwide. Very few actually embrace grace for what it is or treat grace properly. Nearly every single one of use can find ourselves resting (and/or swinging) between the two extremes. Those on the left find themselves using grace as "get out of jail free card" and say things like "Oh well God has given us grace and I'm saved so I can do what I want. God loves me anyway." While those to the right will acknowledge grace, but generally in the context of one having prayed and read their Bible daily and attended Church regularly saying things like, "well if you don't go to church and don't make sure to repent regularly then you might end up in Hell. You gotta be holy!"
I'm not debating whether one can lose his or her salvation here (though this could have definite implications concerning the matter). I talking about having the correct mindset concerning the God of the universe and our relationship with Him as sinners. Grace doesn't allow us to just live like Hell and say "hakuna mattata", nor does it demand that we meet a checklist of legalistic disciplines before it will deliver us from "this nasty, sinful existence on Earth" (that's a whole other topic matter). For us to say "it's ok God is gracious" is the same as husband cheating on his wife and saying "oh it's ok cause she loves me enough that she will always bring me back no matter what I do." For us to say "If I do everything to utter perfect then I will earn God's love and grace" is the same as saying "If I do enough chores and buy the right things and say all the right things then maybe my parents will love me enough to show me affection and maybe even put me in their will (but oh no they can here my thoughts and I shouldn't want to be in their will cause that's the wrong motivation for wanting to please them!)"
God loves us, and in His grace he has made a way that we can approach Him and be able to repent of our sins in a great transaction of forgiveness. We are given grace to be able to have grace. Grace squared. As a result of grace we are given the Holy Spirit so that the same grace that has been given to us might be displayed by us and so that out of grace we might do what is holy and pleasing to God. For outside of grace we are not capable of having faith and without faith in God we cannot desire to honor Him and therefore we cannot please Him. We seek to honor and please Him because we love Him, we love Him as a result of grace, not to earn grace.
"For is by Grace that we are saved through faith. Not by your own doing, but a GIFT of GOD. NOT by works lest any man should boast."
-The Apostle Paul, letter to the Ephesians
In conclusion, what I experienced that night was grace. I realized my need for grace, I experienced grace at the hand of my friend, and then was show grace as God demonstrated His love for me and began to renew my understanding grace. As I said before, I wish I never had anything for God show grace for. The fact is, however, that I do have reasons for needing grace from God and it is well time that I let go of my self-centered pride and quiet moping about how I wish I was perfect and live in acceptance, love, and gratitude toward the God who deemed it within His good will to love me and show me grace in light of all that I've done and all that I am. I work towards a goal of sinless perfection, knowing that I am incapable of ever reaching it in my sinful state. It is my wanting to please the God that I love. I love Him, because He first loved me enough to grant me the grace to be able to love Him. Grace.
