Body and Spirit

Recently I picked up a book that I had read through with my pastors back in Knoxville called "Sacred Rhythms." While I had read most of the book, there was a couple of sections that I just skimmed through to keep up with the group, and now I wish I hadn't.

The chapters I just read were concerning the theology of the body and the art of self-examination. While I thought I had a pretty good grasp of both concepts, it seems that God had a lot to say to me concerning both of these matters.

Concerning the Body: The belief of total separation of physical health from spiritual health is a trap we can easily fall into. One usually affects the other in a significant way. My physical health affects my spiritual, and my spiritual hinders my desire and motivation for physical health. The cycle continues.

It is also no secret that I am not a huge fan of the DNA that I've been given. Between my brother and other people often making fun of my red hair or my nearly translucent skin, along with other natural/general insecurities, I have not wanted to care for the body that God gave me. As a child or teen I never learned to appreciate the body I have. I never saw the grace that had been given to me or the value that I was bestowed. The focus was always outward, noting that others could tan, that both my siblings were blessed with a kinder metabolism, etc.

God gave me life. He gave my physical form, muscle, color, strength, senses, etc and yet I have not shown Him the gratitude that He is due. Furthermore, I have neglected to appreciate creation in a way that only my physical body can! The taste of water, the feeling of grass, and the brushing of the wind are all examples of things God granted as experiences for us that I often take for granted.

A few months ago I had a friend who ran into my house and excitedly shared her joy in the fact that it was down-pouring rain outside. She insisted that I come stand in the rain with her and dance in it. Moved by her passion I emptied my pockets of anything that might be damaged and ran outside. Even though there were others watching, we didn't care about whether we looked like fools or not. God had given us a gift and we weren't going to miss out!

The Art of Self-Examination: Recognizing that body and Spirit are connected is the first step, but then being aware of the health of both is a wholly different issue. having aware requires focus and time. Neither of which I really like to give when I'm tired. I'm always tired.

Being exhausted often feels like the number one requirement/qualification of my job (residential leadership) and when it comes down to it, the thing I need most I want to do least. This weekend, however, God drew me into a place where meditation was possible (and necessary) and helped me to begin examining my heart and my mind. I doubt I'll ever be a master of self-examination because of the level of discipline and honest it takes, but I'm getting there!

The honesty part is probably the hardest for me. I don't like to see the good in me. Why? No frapping clue. There are some aspects of the bad I don't like to be honest about either.

So here is a confession. This weekend I've experienced a lot of jealous/envy. Jealous of how others look, how fit they are, how tall they are, the relationships they have with our students, etc. I often have to be the "bad guy" at work and I rarely get the benefits that I used to as Mentor rather than as an Assistant House Director. I have been jealous of my staff and even felt a measure of bitterness in hearing their complaints as I take the junk and they get the love, support, and appreciation that often seems lacking in my own life. That's not fair to them though. In the midst of my examination, God drew my attention to this reality and revealed to me how it has been affecting the way I think, feel, and behave.

I love people. A lot. I give all that I can and often that gets overlooked. I find myself torn between trying to live without any need for appreciation and the hard truth that I do, in fact, NEED appreciation. We all do.

All that to say, if I had not taken the time to examine my heart and see where I was at, I couldn't ever address it. I couldn't begin the steps I needed to healing this part of my life and I couldn't ask for help. I couldn't express my need to those who needed to know/wanted to know. In turn my spiritual, mental, and emotional state would continue to degrade and, as a result, so would my physical state. I would not have the energy to try or the ability to focus. Etc.

Give and Take: Having addressed both of these issues, my goal now is to integrate this knowledge into my daily living. I am seeking to take better care of my body and my spirit by bringing both physical and spiritual discipline higher up on my list of priorities. I can't help others if I'm not also seeking to help myself.

I always tell my students "Give more than you take, but never give in order that you can take." The reality is that I have to take to be able to give. I have to take care of myself to give care to others. My ratio of loving others will always be higher than for myself but I still need to care for myself. In the midst of that I never want to become entitled and think that I have earned/deserve love and care just because I give both. I don't love others to make them love me. I love and let love. I have students that I care for who couldn't care less about me, but that shouldn't hinder me from caring about who they are or for their well being, only what I invest and how much I invest in the relationship.

Lastly, giving care often helps us to give care to ourselves. I have often found that in helping another resolve an issue in their life was exactly what God wanted me to do in order to resolve an issue in my own. God reveals a lot to us through the lives of others. So just as we must take care, we absolutely must give care as well.

Can you imagine what life would be like if the entire world lived out this concept?

Grace and Peace,
Stephen 

Brothers in Humanity

Every few months we get new staff at work. We hire in bulk three times a year and train them as "classes." With each class comes a new set of faces, personalities, giftings, and struggles. Each one bringing to the table the light and darkness-the sin and the Spirit-that is embedded within every Christian.

Hurt, pain, insecurity, pride, stubbornness, bitterness, the list goes on extensively. It's irritating!

Looking at the struggles of my students, teammates, friends, and those that I would consider even family, I can sometimes find myself frustrated with them and their shortcomings. Impatient and ungracious towards their needs and struggles.

Christ said to love our enemies. He challenged the status quo and demanded that love be shown even to those who we don't like or agree with. "Love your neighbors" is one of the many coined phrases of Christianity, yet those same Christians turn their back on the impoverished and war torn souls that need help.

I have needed help, and in in my need I forgot to see other people's needs. Mine eyes are turned inward to my own pain and I have began to "self-care" in an isolated and unloving way. A reality that God made very clear to me recently.

I had a student in my English class in Amman that made a big impact on how I viewed other people. "We are brothers in humanity", he would say to me. The words loom over me like a ghost and my soul stirs in response. It's a sobering and humbling experience to receive true, biblical wisdom from a Muslim. Reflecting on the environment I'm living/working in, I find those words affecting me still.

These men and women that I work with are my brothers and sisters. They are mine and I am theirs. My team. My family. My people. How could I be intolerant of the sin in them when it's so clearly embedded in me? When they endure my own? (and they definitely do!) How can I neglect their needs and their craving for love and support when I know so intimately the needs and desires in me?

As a new team comes to join us at Shelterwood this week, my prayer is this:

"Lord, bind us together in brotherhood and sisterhood. humble us to be loving and caring for each other just as You humbled Yourself for the sake of our souls. Tighten us together and teach us to hear form each other and to heal together, to be light to one another. Help us to find rest and support in our 'family' and let us not be unloving. Amen"


Grace and Peace,
Stephen

After Two Years of Residential Work

The purpose of this post isn't to really convey or teach a particular topic. The purpose of this post is to share a little of my life with you and maybe help someone going through a rough time in ministry.

Two years ago I moved out to Kansas City, MO out of a desire to show love to troubled teens and to sacrifice my self (my time, energy, and resources) to try and bring hope and to share the Gospel of Christ. So why am I so often surprised by the difficulty and struggle that I experience? I knew that I wasn't wanted by those I went to minister to. It made the choice more difficult, but I felt like it was a needed element in my life. like it was something God was pushing me towards.

Since then I've had an evolution of form and function in the work place. I grew and became more experienced. I took on the call to move into a leadership role and to train and mentor staff to do that which I had done as a Mentor myself. Having done a year of both being a Mentor and being an Assistant House Director, I can say that I am nowhere near where I want to be, I've grown in ways I never could have expected, and I'm still not able to live a life void of my own struggles and flaws.

In college I had plenty of pastors and professors tell me that ministry was difficult, especially youth ministry. That always confused me. I never understood how they could say what they did. How could they always talk about being tired, stressed, and feeling ineffective. Now I do. If I can spend months and months with a student, seeing them 70-some-odd hours a week and feel completely useless and ineffective, then I can't imagine what someone who only gets a few hours a week with their students feel.


Lately I have wrestled with feeling completely ineffective and being unappreciated. Everyone who works at Shelterwood wrestles with this. Despite my best efforts to help others feel supported, I never seem to get them there. One of the areas that I failed in was sharing my own suffering and pain. I kept quiet and bottled up all the hurt and pain I felt so to not add to everyone else, but what I did was rob others of being able to be there for me.

When I was a Mentor, I would often share a little of my struggle with my students and it helped to build the relationship. It helped me to get things off my chest that were less sensitive things, and it allowed my students to know what it felt like to be there for others and to feel valued. Somewhere along the way I stopped doing that. I felt a responsibility not to; like it was a requirement of my current position to suffer in silence and alone.

After many months of doing this, I now feel overwhelmed and far from "ok."

God's way of helping me has been the opposite of what I've wanted. He has forced me to open up with others and talk about what lies beneath. He has been humbling me by leading me to share my burdens and to be honest about things that I am embarrassed about.

I've been able to get away for a few days and the distance has been helpful in taking some of the mental and emotional weight off of my shoulders, but it's not enough. I've been pushing against a wall and trying to do it without help. Two years of residential
work, and taking in all the second-hand trauma, has taken it's toll on me and worn me out.

I'm angry. I'm hurting. I don't live perfectly and I'm still working out this whole healing thing. They say that salvation isn't works based, but God sure seems to be pushing me to do a lot of stuff. Christianity isn't meant to be as lazy and relaxed as pastors preach it in the pulpits.

To those of you out there saying "just sit back and watch God work", please just stop. God isn't a circus or a movie to be just "watched" and entertained by.

There is no resolve to this post. Sorry if that cuts you a little bit. There are no Christian cliches that can accurately minister to your pain or mine. It's takes something more than cute words and "reading the Word" to make the world ok. We walk and we fight because God gave us purpose and He told us to keep going. He told us that He is coming for us so to keeping moving towards Him. Light comes when we least expect it. Grace always comes just in time.

Please know that if you are suffering you aren't alone. You aren't the only one. Many have come before us and succeeded, and so shall we. God will see us through, but we can't give ourselves over to our enemies before He does. Fight with me. Fight with me until the stars collapse and the Earth melts into itself.