The Beauty of Ruins

My favorite type of games to play growing up are what are known as "real-strategy games." My brother and I both played these games, but we had very different ways of playing. While he would do what he could to build up his forces quickly and wipe out his opponent without mercy and without patience, I would often do the opposite. I was defensive in my strategies. I loved building up walls and structures and creating strongholds. I wanted to make cities of refuge and flawless defense. Nothing was to get through. I would become frustrated whenever my walls fell or if I experienced invasion. Inevitably, I would lose a match because I would spend all my time and resources trying to keep the walls intact and perfect instead of taking action.

I am but dust...

Turns out that my strategy for playing video games was not so different than my strategy for life. I've lived my entire life as a wall builder and a perfectionist, desperate to keep control over what people see and don't see about me. Wanting to keep myself impenetrable and free of hurt. Wanting to make myself safe and to appear perfect and whole, even when I wasn't. My efforts proved to be in vain time and time again, and yet I never changed my strategy. I followed through with my building castles and fortresses, and over time my walls have been breached, burned, and found wanting.

I am but dust, and to dust I shall return...

What I have realized recently is that God has been playing a significant part in the destruction of my defenses. Why? Because locked away behind my castle doors I would have died of starvation and disease
. I need my defenses destroyed so that I might grow and that I might know Him more. I needed to be free of my own trap and begin living a different life.

I have been humbled. God took my self-perceived perfections and laid them bare. He took the things I was proud of and shattered them before me, revealing the flaws and showing me who I really am...a sinner; a flawed human being in need of grace. He has seem it fit that I might suffer for the sake of being made pure. To not be caught up in perfection and the safety and comfort of control, but instead to be real and to be vulnerable in the ways He wants me to be. Vulnerable that I might provide love, healing, and shelter for others who are in pain and in need. I can't reach out to other and run to their aid when I'm too busy cowering behind my whitewashed walls.

 I am but dust, and to dust I shall return. Lord...

I have found beauty in the ruins of my soul. In my destruction I am being made into place of refuge. My greatest defense must be God, not my works and my efforts; not my reputation or in opinions. My greatest good is God and my perfection is Him and Him alone. Let the storm come; let the walls be obliterated and my ivory towers break. I know It is for my strengthening and my purging. Let them fall. I know my God is with me and He won't abandon me. Take what I have, I deserve none of it anyway.

I am but dust...
And to dust I shall return...
Lord, Make haste to save...

We Are But Dust and Shadows

One of my favorite book series ever is the Infernal Devices trilogy by Cassandra Clare. In this series we take a look into a fictional world of demon hunters called "Nephilim", a special race of humans that have Angel blood running in their veins that were created to fight demons and prevent the destruction of humanity. I was drawn to these books and very much enjoyed the plot and characters within, but something that really stood out to me was the phrase that was posted in front of the homebase of the Nephilim called "The Institute"; that phrase is Pulvus et Umbra Sumus" which means "We are but Dust and Shadows." 

Just two nights ago, the majority of the Christian world experienced the liturgical holiday known as Ash Wednesday. I, sadly enough, had to work and found myself rushing to Apostle's Anglican Church for the special service. I arrived just in time for the imposition of ashes! I took a seat in the back and waited for my turn to go. As I waited I prayed prayers of forgiveness and repentance, and as I did those words from iron gateway of The Institute echoed in my mind..."we are but dust and shadows." 

I soon found myself walking towards the front. The air was filled with the mourning of the saints and tears of repentance; the remembrance of our brokenness and fragility. I watched as my priests placed ashes on the heads of my brothers and sisters. Tears streamed from the eyes of one of the priests as he placed the ashes upon the foreheads of his wife and children. My turn was approaching and I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes and, with tears still pouring from his eyes, my priest placed the mark upon my head and spoke the words, "Remember that you are dust, and to dust shall you return."

Ash Wednesday is a day that is dedicated to repentance and remembering the mortality of humanity. It is the day marking the genesis of Lent and our approach to the mournful day of "Good Friday" and the celebration of the joyous day we call "Easter." Now it has passed and Lent is in full swing, but we must not forget the truth behind those heart piercing words "...you are dust, and to dust shall you return." Our lives "are short and there is but little time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us. So be quick to love and make haste to be kind." Let us remember that:
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• We are but dust and shadows. We are the creation of an almighty Creator and we are worthless in the light of His holy majesty. 
• We are sinners and deserve to be punished and obliterated by a holy and perfect Diety who despises sin and wickedness.
• We are loved by that same Holy God, and though we are unworthy He desires to be with us; for us to know Him and be be known by Him. 

We humble ourselves, repent, and fast. Not because we are trying to earn His favor or our salvation, but because we can't we can't earn these things and yet they are given nonetheless. We honor Him for He is worthy and He deserves our worship and service. There is nothing we can offer Him that He needs, for we are but dust and shadows, but we are made more than the dirt because of His Spirit breathed into us and His love for us. The love of God is the greatest source of our value and it is the great equalizer of humanity. It makes us equal for God loves unconditionally and, therefore, is not lessened or magnified by personality, power, talent, piety, or persuasion. Let us remember these things as we proceed in our journey toward the cross. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen