The Beauty of Ruins

My favorite type of games to play growing up are what are known as "real-strategy games." My brother and I both played these games, but we had very different ways of playing. While he would do what he could to build up his forces quickly and wipe out his opponent without mercy and without patience, I would often do the opposite. I was defensive in my strategies. I loved building up walls and structures and creating strongholds. I wanted to make cities of refuge and flawless defense. Nothing was to get through. I would become frustrated whenever my walls fell or if I experienced invasion. Inevitably, I would lose a match because I would spend all my time and resources trying to keep the walls intact and perfect instead of taking action.

I am but dust...

Turns out that my strategy for playing video games was not so different than my strategy for life. I've lived my entire life as a wall builder and a perfectionist, desperate to keep control over what people see and don't see about me. Wanting to keep myself impenetrable and free of hurt. Wanting to make myself safe and to appear perfect and whole, even when I wasn't. My efforts proved to be in vain time and time again, and yet I never changed my strategy. I followed through with my building castles and fortresses, and over time my walls have been breached, burned, and found wanting.

I am but dust, and to dust I shall return...

What I have realized recently is that God has been playing a significant part in the destruction of my defenses. Why? Because locked away behind my castle doors I would have died of starvation and disease
. I need my defenses destroyed so that I might grow and that I might know Him more. I needed to be free of my own trap and begin living a different life.

I have been humbled. God took my self-perceived perfections and laid them bare. He took the things I was proud of and shattered them before me, revealing the flaws and showing me who I really am...a sinner; a flawed human being in need of grace. He has seem it fit that I might suffer for the sake of being made pure. To not be caught up in perfection and the safety and comfort of control, but instead to be real and to be vulnerable in the ways He wants me to be. Vulnerable that I might provide love, healing, and shelter for others who are in pain and in need. I can't reach out to other and run to their aid when I'm too busy cowering behind my whitewashed walls.

 I am but dust, and to dust I shall return. Lord...

I have found beauty in the ruins of my soul. In my destruction I am being made into place of refuge. My greatest defense must be God, not my works and my efforts; not my reputation or in opinions. My greatest good is God and my perfection is Him and Him alone. Let the storm come; let the walls be obliterated and my ivory towers break. I know It is for my strengthening and my purging. Let them fall. I know my God is with me and He won't abandon me. Take what I have, I deserve none of it anyway.

I am but dust...
And to dust I shall return...
Lord, Make haste to save...