Bloody Religion

A lot of people out there what Christianity to be nice, clean, and efficient, like the office of a major CEO. I used to be one of those people. Reality is, for most of us, that Christianity is anything but clean. It's a bloody operating table and we are just laying on it with our chest ripped open as we wait for the transplant that will rescue us from certain destruction.

It's not clean. It's not prim and proper. It's Christ pouring out his blood to cleanse and cover our mutilated souls that so very much prefer darkness over light.

As a kid I thought I could get by sitting in the examination room. Blinded by the demonic distractions of anti-ritualism and hyper-focus on spiritual encounters and "spreading the gospel" I missed my own desperate need. I didn't just need to be examined and be diagnosed. The diagnose had been in since I was born. I needed action. I needed change.

Don't get me wrong. I was a good kid. I was a faithful Christian even since I was young; my heart was caught up in the spiritual things of God and His scriptures. That might be the worst place to be in. There was a certain young ruler spoken of in the Gospels who wasn't so different. Hell, Saul (later Paul) was similar in this aspect. Though the law of God and the desire for things of the Spirit were
there, there was something missing for the three of us.

I may not have been a murderous, cussing little deviant, but I was broken nonetheless. I had sin in my heart and it manifested in very different ways.

News flash: I still do.

Despite a degree in Christian Ministry and years of youth ministry work, I'm still very much a tainted soul. I wrestle with pride and selfishness constantly! I shows in my work, it shows in my struggle to get up on Sundays and celebrate Eucharist with my fellow believers, and it shows in my negative thought patterns.

I work so hard to combat the darkness in my soul and it's draining! Still I can't overcome, no matter how hard I fight to keep my thoughts captive or how much time I spend in prayer and meditation. Why? I'm relying to much on my own immune system to drive out the sickness inside, but I simply cannot do it alone.

As I pray, I am reminded of my need for Christ. That is one of the prime points of Christianity: I can't do it along, I NEED Christ.

Yes, we are required to put in the soul work, but even more importantly we need to yield ourselves to the cleansing work of Christ in us and let Him do the real work in us.

We do this by being in Christian community, by committing ourselves to spiritual disciplines, to actively choosing each day to live for others and not ourselves, and by participation in Holy Eucharist, by which the Divine Spirit comes and works in us with grace and power.

Though it is painful, until we yield ourselves completely to Christ we will never be free and sin will slowly eat away at our hearts until we are consumed in darkness.

So take me hand and squeeze tight. Get on the surgery table, brace yourself, and let go of your control. We will do this together...


Grace and Peace,
Stephen

"In Blackest Night"

3:30 AM is fast approaching and I feel tired, but sleep evades me. I can't shut my mind off! Unable to pin down my thoughts and escape the welling emotions I had no choice but to get out of bed and walk. I am restless.

Tonight I feel the looming presence of an old enemy, or was he my friend? Looking back I think I acted as if both were true.

Depression...that blasted distant relative you don't expect to show up then suddenly you look up to find sitting at your dinner table.

I'm nearing two years of residential care, proceeded by years of volunteer youth min work and internships and a degree in loving people....and yet I too continue to struggle with the very things I'm helping my students go through. I'm often able to see depression coming and am able to ignore him when he comes ringing the doorbell...but there are some nights when I open the door without checking and by the time I know it's him it's too late to slam the door in his face!

I sit in the uncertainty of the future, and even of the present.

I wrestle with my sense of value and worth, and I ask God to help me now. In the midst of my pain, I pray that He reaches down and touches my broken, aching heart.

If you're out there feeling this way and reading this, please...please don't give up. Don't give into the darkness that seeks to seduce you and break your spirit. Fight with me. Fight against all shadows.

Open up and let the light in....it's going to be ok.

Grace and Peace,
Stephen

My Thesis

One of the most difficult part of writing for me is finding continuity and thesis. I can barely stay on one subject or create a work that isn't going a thousand directions! Every time I send my stuff to my friend Chase, I get the same question. "Where are you trna go with this???" and then he would say "You are saying a lot of good stuff about a lot of different things....what's your thesis?"

UGH! IT'S INFURIATING!

Not Chase, but continually having to hear those same words over and over to bring me back in mine and set me on the proper course (Gah that will preach!).

SEE! Even now my mind is drawn a thousand directions trying to decide what to write about!

Here's what I'm getting at though. At the end of the day, when it's all said and done, what is the thesis of my life?

Okay okay. Hokey I know but seriously?! God has intent for my life, and so do I! There is something that I'm aiming for in life, and the reality is that I am all over the place outside of my mind as much as I am in! Take a list of my goals and aspirations and you would see that I'm all over the place there as well!

What is my thesis?!

Chase, where are you?! You are supposed to set me back in line here!

Haha, but seriously where do I want my life to go? What cause do I want to uphold? What is the one thing I want to be remembered for? to leave behind as a legacy?

Over the last three weeks, this has been theme of my convictions, meditations, and prayers.

I think I've got it. The books I'm reading, the sermons I stumble into, the conversations that I have all point towards something burning in my soul.

I want, when it's all said and done and I lie in my grave, that I will be remembered for reflecting the heart of Christ both in justice and in grace, but more importantly in love. I want my love to so deeply and thoroughly consume my life that all that whoever I interact with are consumed with understanding of God's justice and His overcoming grace!

That...that's my thesis: to live, and live fully in the light of the Holy, life-giving cross.

Grace and Peace,
Stephen