In the Sun and the Rain

"God is in the rain."

One of my favorite movies of all time is "V For Vendetta." I am moved by the message of the movie and I feel drawn to contemplation every time I watch it. One statement that always bothered me, however, was the phrase 'God is in the rain." I chalked it down as Eastern Transcendental bull crap and didn't give it much thought.

The problem was that I took it literally. A moment of lapse of reason and judgment and a revisiting of my time as a child when I solely thought in concrete, literalistic patterns.

"God is in the rain."

This past week I drove back home from Kansas City. Rain was pouring down and it was ridiculous! I wanted the Sun so bad. I prayed that God would give me a break in the clouds and let me see the Sun.

Five minutes later the clouds opened up and gold filled the sky! My friend and I pulled over get gas and I stared at the gift God had given to me. Then He threw in one of the most vivid rainbows that I had ever seen. Wow. I saw God in the sunlight and in the rainbow. My mind drew back to the promise that he made in Genesis that every time He saw a rainbow He would remember His promise to never destroy the Earth via flood ever again.

Gabe took over the driving and as the Sun lowered I fell asleep. After a while I woke up to complete darkness, a freakin' deluge, and a road trip that had just dropped to 30 mph. It was there that I understood. It was that moment that I found God in the rain.

The rainbow remained etched in my mind as I took in the chaos around me and I remember His promise. I saw Him even in the chaos. I saw Him touching my impatient heart and drawing me to trust Him and just rest as we slowly worked our way through the darkness.

"God is in the rain."

From the storm there will be clearer air, healthier plant life, cleansing, etc. While we may not like it, God works in this manner in our lives. He takes us through storms to cleanse us, to give us life, and to show us the Sun breaking through the clouds.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Eulogies and Zombies

A few months back a close friend of mine challenged me to a spiritual/mental/emotional exercise that he felt would be very beneficial to me. The exercise was this: to write a eulogy to the version of me that I idolized and determined that I should be rather than what I am. Oh man...

It was one of the most profound experiences that I've had to date. It started off like this:

"On October 7th, in the year of our Lord 2015, the conjuration of a perfect Stephen Dewane Green II died a most tragic death: reality. He was a dreadful bastard that haunted the waking reality of a good, yet imperfect, human that sought to live a happy life. He brought misery and pain with his illusions of awe and worth. This sickening conjuration and ideology was a disruptor of inspiration and an idol that demanded every ounce of love and attention due to both God and to the man that so readily clung to this ghost of a ghost."

The poetic flow continued from there in greater detail. By the end of it I felt lighter, empowered, and incredibly free. These days, however, I find that ghosts and zombies do exist and they are insistent about having control.

I have told other many times before that it has been my personal experience in life that whenever God allows me to feel His presence in a very real, deep way that it has been to comfort me and assure me that He is with me; that trials were coming and He would be there through them.

The trials came and I already forgot that He was there, even though He always has been. Through thick and thin God has never left me and has never abandoned me. If didn't before, I'm confident He won't start now.

I have not "failed" yet but I have been dangerously close. In this struggle I'm fighting to be there with my Bigs and fellow Assistant House Directors; to give them the love and support that I am good at giving. The enemy is hard on my tail, but "this a recall and therefore have joy. The Lord will not turn His face forever...:

So I go to war against the zombie, the reanimate personification of idealistic perfectionism that is trying to take control of my life. I say "No. I will not give in."

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

To Become a Jedi (No Spoilers)

I frappin' love Star Wars and have since the re-release of the original trilogy! So with the release of the new film I can strongly feel the weight of anticipation as my long time favorite franchise resurfaces!

When I was a kid (and lets admit it...even now) I wanted to be a Jedi! I wanted to be a laster of the Force and the Lightsaber, defending the galaxy from evil! Sadly, God did not gift me with telekinesis  of super advanced technology. Yet there was something more about being a Jedi than chucking rocks with the mind or carrying blue swords that cut through nearly anything. There were principles, goals, and presence created by Jedi in the midst of the never ending shadow. There was the theme of being a person of Light in the midst of a Dark universe.

I think this is something we can understand. It seems like the tendency to do wrong and the World's undercurrent of pain and shadow might overwhelm us and steal us of life. Yet there is that calling out of the void that says "Live....be Light."

I learned that Dark Lords and evil regimes will rise, but the Light will always persist; it will always fight. I knew that I could never do what I saw as Jedi, but I knew that I could become what they represent. Keepers of peace. Warrior of Light. To chase ideology while embracing realism. Finding balance, and clinging to all that is good.

I may not be a Jedi, but I'm a Christian. Quite frankly, that's pretty darn close.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Saying Goodbye

Another one of my boys graduated this week and went home to be reintegrated into his home. UGH! Goodbyes suck, and in my line of work very frequent. I confess there is a numbness growing in me when it comes to goodbyes. There is a part of me that has come to accept it. There is a twisted irony in the fact that I grew up believing (and fearing) that everyone was going to leave me. Then I took a job specializing in that reality. Haha!

Even so it's hard to say goodbye, but the beauty of it is knowing that you got to be a part of someone's life for a brief span of time; in that time I got to watch a young man grow, mature, to work through hard life issues, and to become something stronger than he was before his arrival. Be able to walk alongside someone as God helps pull them out of the muck and mire is inspiring.

I saw my student come alive. I also saw him struggle and ask hard questions; dealing with the turmoils of being a teenager. I grew form my time with him. I processed more of my world as I was able to engage with what he went through and he endured. For that, I am forever grateful. I learn a lot from my students in the time they are with me, and the fact is that with every "goodbye" I there is a "hello" soon to follow. With that "hello" will come more learning, more processing, and a new opportunity for me to walk alongside Christ is His loving of these teens. And that makes every "goodbye" completely worth it.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Grace in Sickness

I hate being sick. I feel gross, achy, hot and cold at the same time, and it sucks.

I'm hard on myself for my level of performance in life without being sick, but with my ability to function normally on the downside I'm feeling it more. I hate letting people down. I hate feeling like I'm not carrying my weight or contributing. Even more so, I hate giving myself credit for what I do right.

I want to be noticed and I want to be affirmed in my work, but I never give it to myself. Why? the easy answer is: I don't love myself enough. The complex answer is that I don't allow myself to rest in the truth that God loves me.

I had a youth pastor that once said, "If you love God you will get to know Him, and as you get to know Him you will begin to love what He loves. He loves people, and He loves you."

A profound lesson that I keep having to relearn.

My love for God will eventually lead to my love of self.

Am I saying that I don't love God? No. Am I saying that I don't know God? Absolutely. This is evidenced by my continual struggle to love myself, and even to love others from time to time.

I'm a work in progress, and I know that as I keep pursuing God will keep revealing. God uses times like these to draw my attention to this reality. Out of my weakness, He is made strong. Out of my sickness, He reveals truth about my nature and my need to love Him and to be closer to Him.

Today, I will allowance myself grace for my lack. To accept my current struggle and not beat myself up. God granted me this grace in my sickness to be able to learn even now. And for that, I am grateful.

Grace and peace,

Stephen

Made Strong to Make Strong

When I was in high school I tried to be as actively involved in youth ministry as possible. I planned to go to college and get a degree in youth ministry and, after four years of being discipled and trained, would go and change the world through teach and praying temptation and suffering away. I was "on fire" for God and had a vision that one day the proverbial clock would strike the right proverbial hour and suddenly there would be a "third great awakening"! 

The zeal of the young.

College was my real test. It was a spiritual incubator as well as the fiery furnace that burned up all the chaff. I grew so immensely, and the make up I used to hide my flaws and struggles was stripped off. My eyes were opened...and I realized that I had no idea how the world works or who God really is. 

My world changed and my paradigms were torn down. It was no longer black and white. It was no longer "us" (the Pentecostal community) vs "them" (none-Pentecostals and sinners). And ran away. 

I stayed in the faith, but I ran in fear of who God was and who I was (or wasn't). I ran from ministry because I knew I was too confused and too broken. I was too wounded to help others heal effectively, and my family situation was a struggle at best. 

I looked for other work experience, none of which seemed to satisfy any of my family and only a few of my friends. Isn't it interesting how involved and opinionated people can be about your life? You may even like the job you have, but you could have a parent say "So when are you going to get out there and get a real job?" and suddenly you feel completely inadequate. 

After two years of running, God came a knocking again. Like Gandalf marking Bilbo's door and sucking him into an "adventure", God began dropping hints from all around me; the next thing I knew I was moving the mid-west!

Today marks 16 months of working (and living!) at Shelterwood. it's been a long 16 months, but at the same time it has flown by. I can't believe I've been here this long, but It's harder to believe I haven't been here longer either! I have learned more about ministry than in all my years of volunteering in youth groups and leading small groups.

It's discouraging, it's painful, and it is vastly rewarding.

I had the joy of visiting one of students yesterday who is fighting to do what's right; to get on his feet and be someone in the world. I had a phone call from another one of my students shortly after that and got to speak with him about life and be encouraged by him; to listen to him speak about life and family and his attempt to make sense of the world. These are two students that I've been privileged to stand beside and be involved in their growth.

Truth be told I believe I've learned more from them than they have from me. I learned about more about myself, I learned about people and the world, and I learned about God.

There is a lot of struggle in the life I lead, but without struggle there isn't growth or over coming. Without the hardship I would not be stronger. It is only through Shelterwood that I have learned that God did not give me strength to keep other people from pain and hurt, but instead to help them grow strong too. That's what discipleship is. Not to prevent bad things from happening or to rescue people form responsibility or pain. No, it is following Christ and showing Christ. It is teaching others how to follow and to grow strong through the pain and the heartache.

Youth ministry is rough, but I wouldn't trade it for the world

Christmas: A Celebration of Hope

Christmas is upon us again and, just as every year, the season is full of emotions and the attempt to perpetuate happiness/cover up pain and sadness through buying gifts, as well make our yearly donations to charity.

Terror ism is on the rise...or is it? Fear has always been a plague of humanity, but has manifested itself in various ways throughout history. From Egypt to Rwanda; from New York to Paris, Fear and hatred have been a darkness that has threatened time and time again to snuff out our lives. 

Christ,as is upon us again and, just like every year, we are quick to forget what Advent means for us. The light and glory of salvation shining in our dark and hateful world. 

There is longing in my heart and I cannot fill. Longing for security and longing for comfort. Christmas can't give those, but the hope that Christmas stands for can. 

I've experienced bouts of loneliness that pushes me to seek a relationship that I know will never complete me or take away my fears or the darkness of life. I have experienced fear that says to give up and calls my strength into question. I have known hate, and it nearly killed me. 

But in this truth I will delight, and therefore have hope, that Christ has come and He is with me all my days. He is more faithful than my feelings, and though he lead me through darkness I will trust in Him. 

I know pain. I know the suffering of the soul and the plague of darkness resting on the mind. But I know Christ in his glory and I know His love for me for I've seen His light in my dark soul. I have felt His warm embrace in the cold places of the world, and I know...I know that I have all I need. 

Christmas is upon us again and, just like every year, stands as an oasis in the desert. The hope in the darkness, the fire in the cold, beacon of life shining in the valley of the dead. 

Happy Advent,

Stephen