Love is Red

I think I'm beginning to understand why Love is associated with the color red. Many might say that it's because red is associated with passion and strong emotion, but I think it's because it is red that pours from our broken skin; that rushes through the inner most parts of our being. It is the color that takes life to our limbs and when the red flees our flesh...so do our souls.

It was red that cried for vengeance out the ground after Cain went on his merry way to continue in his hatred and depravity. It was red that cried out for our forgiveness as Christ gave Himself over to suffering and pain to be our payment. 

No, love is red because it can be measured in how much blood you are willing to lose before leaving, and no great love is there than this: that a man should lay down his life for his friends. 

Keep it Sacred

We hear a lot about "seperation of church and state", but we never talk about the seperation of church and sabbath. The two are often thought of in conjunction with one another, and though this is not necessarily a bad thing, we as humans often take it too far and begin to create rules, standards, and expectations that are not biblically founded and are sometimes harmful. 

For me, Sabbath starts on Tuesday morning and ends on Wednesday night, It is the time in which I am able to get away, rest, seek God and holy community, and to worship God through the appreciation and love of His creation. Why?

I have a crazy job! I work 80 hour weeks taking care of 26 teenagers and encouraging them towards wholeness and quality of life. Basically, I am a 24 year old playing "big brother", youth pastor, and protector.  INSANE!

Sadly, one aspect of my job is that I work Sundays and take kids to church. Now, don't get me wrong, I love taking my kids to church! I am, however, still working and having to give the majority of my attention to what they are doing rather than to the service, and I don't get to be involved in the community itself for a variety of reasons. When the service is over it's back to watching kids, giving meds, cooking dinner, stopping fights, etc. etc. etc. 

My Sundays are 0% restful...

So how does one reconcile the need to keep sabbath with a "Christian" job that demands one's Sunday to be work? Does Sabbath have to be on a certain day of the week for it to count or for God to be pleased? Does Sabbath have to be taken somewhere between 6 pm on Friday and midnight on Sunday for it to be counted as Holy or Sacred? I think not. Perhaps the church has severly legalized Sabbath and, as a result, not kept it holy...

I maintain a constistent connection to Christian community. In fact, I am living in the midst of one! The  aspect of Sabbath I am not getting on a daily basis is rest. That's what my "mid-week Sabbath" is all about right now: rest. I need rest, relaxation, and the chance to get away from home. Why? Because I don't go to work...I live there! I can't seperate home from work becasue they are one and the same. My life now revolves around the house of teens and young adults.

Therefore, my Sabbath is about adventure, escape, and being myself. It is a time to work on art projects, see movies, drink coffee, and to do all the things that I enjoy and make me...well, me! 

Sabbath is sleeping in! It is going to book stores and local coffee shoppes, eating breakfast with friends, and playing flashlight tag or volleyball! Sabbath is rest and it is freedom. Sabbath is my chance to take care of myself rather than 26 teens, to seek God's presence and restoration, and to love myself as much as I am loving others. 

Sabbath has become more than just a Sunday morning ritual. It is now a way of life and a means of survival. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Where's the Time Gone?

Time...

I have none!

Well, I have some. I didn't expect to be working so many hours a week. Truthfully, I only expected to be working 40 (as do most who hear the words "full-time"), but when it came down to it I didn't complain about having to work twice the time. No, I only regretted that I didn't have more time for other things.

Yet I misuse the time I have!

When I was home I had so much time at my disposal. No I'm missing the time I had and often am too tired to use the time I have.

Being 24 is a bit of a sucker punch. I'm stuck between feeling old and young (yes, I know that I am still technically young) and these leads to conflicts within my soul.

What can I pursue? What SHOULD I pursue?!

Here are the things that I'm putting on the top of my list of priorities for when I'm off:

Prayer and Mediation - I can't serve or live a healthy life without this. This is first and foremost a priority for my Spiritual, emotional, and mental health.

Exercise - I plan on doing more physical training. While this is already increasing for me, I wish to make further effort to bring wholeness to myself in this manner. Physical training is a significant part of further mental, emotional, and spiritual health. I care little about being able to lift the most, and more about being able to use my body efficiently in time of crises.

Reading - How can I teach or grow in my own academia if I don't read?! This will be a bit more of challenge in the midst of my time crunch since reading takes a great deal of concentration and dedication.

Extra - This is where I begin to wrestle with myself. What belongs here?! I have my art projects, my ocarina, I enjoy writing, and I have a couple languages that I want to learn. I can't do everything though and I have to narrow it down to one of the following!

I am learning something very important a midst all of this. Time can not be regained, and no matter how much I may want a "do-over" I will never get it. Therefore, the worst thing I can do is waste more time mourning the past and the time that was lost. Instead I should see the time I have and make use of the present by learning from my mistakes and making the change now before I find myself at 42 rather than 24 and still wishing I had done all that I had listed above.

I have given a year of my time to pour into the lives of teens that don't necessarily care that I'm here or care about them. Time is a gift and it one that I give freely because I know that this is something worth giving my time towards. Yes, there are other things I wish I could do alongside the time spent watching the kids, but ultimately I know that 80 or so hours I spend with my teens is going to have a greater impact than the time I could be spending reading or spent on personal gain.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Out Of Tune

Life is hectic! It seems like I'm always on the go and trying to accomplish some task or another. Half the time I haven't got a clue if I'm doing things right and I'm having to submit myself to a great deal of trial and error.

My spiritual life is no different. I am continually striving for greater spiritual growth and maturity, and I often do not feel that I'm living a life that pleases God. I am essentially stating that I am sub-par, valueless, displeasing to, and unloved by God. Yet I hold this double standard that God loves the very person I believe to be the worst and lowest of humanity. Messed up, no?

This is a significant lie that is interwoven into my thought processes. That is indeed what it is: a LIE. 

Sunday I was driving the school van and taking a handful of our kids to a local church. On the way there, my friend/co-worker reached over and turned on the radio to a local Christian station. As the music filled the car, I noticed something else along side the voice of the artist. It was the sound of one of my students sitting behind me; singing out confidently along with the radio. His voice cracked, he sang out of tune, and he didn't know half of the words but that didn't stop him from trying to sing every single line. With every error and with every inaccurate note I found myself smiling more and more as joy filled my heart. 

Then the Spirit struck my heart. 

I could hear the Spirit saying, "This is the joy I feel every day with you. I don't care that you sing it wrong, just keep singing." 

We have a goal that we strive for, but the truth is that we are human and we fail. In the words of Denzel Washington in the movie The Equalizer, "Progress...not perfection." 

Everyday we live out our lives in a struggle to overcome our brokenness and pain, every stumbling along the path to healing. Christ walks with us and listens as we, mere babes in the faith, seek to mutter the language of life and redemption; as we move from a crawl to a run. He does not look down on us with contempt at our stumbling over words or our tripping over our own feet. No, He looks upon us with great joy at every failed attempt because every failure means a lesson learned and an attempt made toward holiness. 

So keep singing out of tune. Sing out at the top of your lungs every misplaced note and mutter every forgotten word! Sing until you can hear the pitch changes and until the rhythm of holiness and grace have been integrated into your very soul. 

Grace and Peace,

Stephen

Is It Forgiveness?

Despite the popular belief among many Christians today, forgiveness is not a simple action for anyone. While most will admit that it isn't easy, forgiveness is simplified to the action of declaring the offender is "forgiven."

This is not forgiveness. It is only a fraction of it. Sadly, It is also something that I believed for the majority of my life.

I've heard it said many times that "forgiveness is not for the forgiven, but for the forgiver." This used to strike me as deeply profound and I found freedom in this statement.

It is, however, only a half-truth.

Looking at Christ as our example of real forgiveness, forgiveness isn't so one-sided. Applying the above statement to our relationship to God, I find it difficult to say that forgiveness is for God and not for us.

 I’m not going to kid you: forgiveness is hard. Releasing someone from the responsibility for an offense against you is counter-intuitive. Why would I want to let someone off the hook? The anser is: you don't. I don't either! Offenses happen becasue of sin, and unforgiveness and the resual to reconcile is of sin as well!

Forgiveness in its entirety contains the willingness to attempt restitution as well as to reconcile with the other party. For us, to "forgive as [Christ] forgives us", we must seek to rebuild the relationship if possible. Christ doesn't just say "Ok, I forgive you. Go on with your life, we don't need to talk anymore." He says, "Come to me and let us be known to each other."

I know, I know...we can't always do the reconciling work of build a relationship. Distance and death often prevent that, and that's ok. In those instances we do what can be done: make an emotional and mental declaration that you aren't going to hold on to the "debt" that is owed you by that person. Perhaps an honest prayer of telling God, "Hey, I don't hold that against them anymore. Can you help me heal and to go on even though I can't reconcile with them?" is in order.

But that leaves me with the question: Is it truly forgiveness if there is no admittance of being wrong or repentance?

The New Testament sure doesn't seem to say so. In fact, our being forgiven by God is dependent upon our responding to His calling us out on sin and repenting of that sin. He come in humility and ask for forgiveness and THEN Christ forgives. It is the first step to reconciling us to our God. Anything other than that is simply not holding a grudge or letting things get to you.

I fail at this. I fail at confronting an offender and telling him/her "Hey! You hurt me! You did *insert offense* and that's not cool!" I hate confrontation and I hate letting people off the hook from what they have done.

Grace and Peace,

Stephen