I was recently writing a speech for one of my students who was graduating from the program that I work at and I was looking for just the right thing to share that reflected his time at Shelterwood. The word "story" echoed in my heart and I began constructing a verbal expression of who I saw in this young man; I reflected upon his story and the themes of his story. Sudden;y, I found myself thinking about my own story and the themes therein. I found something interesting about my life.
Year 12 was a landslide into depression and anger. I was searching for God with all I had and I was angry when I couldn't find him anywhere. Life didn't make sense. How could there be a God that loves me when I watched my sister run away and vanish out my life, my relationship with my brother dissipate into dust, my mom break down crying twice a week, or a dad that I thought I couldn't make happy? How could there be a God out there that let my nation fall into terror and dismay at the hands of heretical extremists?
"God where are you?! Prove to me you exist! Prove that You love me!!!"
At 15 I was thrust into a whole new world of ministry and community. It started with spontaneity, but not my own. No, not my own. I sat there on the back row of the chairs, visiting a youth group that I thought the same as any other. It was just another black hole for me. There was no hope left in my heart and I began asking "How might I die tonight?" A youth pastor whose name I did not yet know shattered the silent screams of my heart and said "You belong. I see you. I will teach you."
"God, I see you....but how can I keep going? How could life ever be ok? Why did you let me live???"
College rocked my world. It was where I met others of a similar difference, and it was there that I fell in love with life. Light shone everywhere and my heart began to beat stronger and stronger with each passing year. I found interests and learned the questions to ask. I felt the pain of disappoint aside the pride of knowing that at least I had tried. I found rejection and betrayal, and forgiveness became something that kept me going. I learned to reach out to people I disliked, and I learned to give more than I thought I could live without.
"Father of Lights, be my light...give me strength and make me an instrument of Thy peace. You gave me life, not let me go and give hope to others: to those that You love."
I moved and left my loves behind because I had to learn to love the "unlovable"...and I had to learn to love myself as much as I had learned to love others. In the giving of my time and energy I lost my works-based belief of self-value.
"Most Merciful God, You have been with me all my days and you have held me when I was weak. You helped me to stay strong and remain in You through super natural faith. When all hope seemed lost, You rushed to my side and lifted me up again and again! You built me up and gave me purpose and drive to go and BE! You have gifted me with a love for others that cannot be taught and You have taught me to love You. Now I seek to know the love You have for me that I might love myself honestly and healthily. I am amazed by You and Your workings in my life. Be with me still all my days and be my strength when I am weak, my faith when I'm in doubt, my hope in the midst of despair, and my love when betrayed and tempted to hate. Be my Everything. I don't feel like loving people right now because I'm tired and frustrated and feeling alone. So teach me to love. That seems to be the phase of life You have me in now. Teach me to Love."
Grace and Peace,
Stephen
Year 12 was a landslide into depression and anger. I was searching for God with all I had and I was angry when I couldn't find him anywhere. Life didn't make sense. How could there be a God that loves me when I watched my sister run away and vanish out my life, my relationship with my brother dissipate into dust, my mom break down crying twice a week, or a dad that I thought I couldn't make happy? How could there be a God out there that let my nation fall into terror and dismay at the hands of heretical extremists?
"God where are you?! Prove to me you exist! Prove that You love me!!!"
At 15 I was thrust into a whole new world of ministry and community. It started with spontaneity, but not my own. No, not my own. I sat there on the back row of the chairs, visiting a youth group that I thought the same as any other. It was just another black hole for me. There was no hope left in my heart and I began asking "How might I die tonight?" A youth pastor whose name I did not yet know shattered the silent screams of my heart and said "You belong. I see you. I will teach you."
"God, I see you....but how can I keep going? How could life ever be ok? Why did you let me live???"
College rocked my world. It was where I met others of a similar difference, and it was there that I fell in love with life. Light shone everywhere and my heart began to beat stronger and stronger with each passing year. I found interests and learned the questions to ask. I felt the pain of disappoint aside the pride of knowing that at least I had tried. I found rejection and betrayal, and forgiveness became something that kept me going. I learned to reach out to people I disliked, and I learned to give more than I thought I could live without.
"Father of Lights, be my light...give me strength and make me an instrument of Thy peace. You gave me life, not let me go and give hope to others: to those that You love."
I moved and left my loves behind because I had to learn to love the "unlovable"...and I had to learn to love myself as much as I had learned to love others. In the giving of my time and energy I lost my works-based belief of self-value.
"Most Merciful God, You have been with me all my days and you have held me when I was weak. You helped me to stay strong and remain in You through super natural faith. When all hope seemed lost, You rushed to my side and lifted me up again and again! You built me up and gave me purpose and drive to go and BE! You have gifted me with a love for others that cannot be taught and You have taught me to love You. Now I seek to know the love You have for me that I might love myself honestly and healthily. I am amazed by You and Your workings in my life. Be with me still all my days and be my strength when I am weak, my faith when I'm in doubt, my hope in the midst of despair, and my love when betrayed and tempted to hate. Be my Everything. I don't feel like loving people right now because I'm tired and frustrated and feeling alone. So teach me to love. That seems to be the phase of life You have me in now. Teach me to Love."Grace and Peace,
Stephen
