Wrecked by Doubts

Earlier this afternoon I was out doing errands and found myself getting into a collision with a very large truck in the middle of a parking lot. As I was driving through he backed out on me, and it scared the living nargles out of me! In the end, it wasn't that bad of a hit because we were just driving in the parking lot, but I was affected all the same. 

All afternoon I've been more emotional, and have even felt sick, after the event. I've never shared this before, but I am deeply afraid of being in a car wreck. I've often had dreams and day dreams of being hit by vehicle and/or waking up in the hospital. 

Several years back, my mom was was in a major car wreck and it terrified me. I never talked it out or really processed what happened. The wreck severely hurt her and I know that her surviving was a miracle. For the weeks of recovery that followed she wasn't herself. She struggled with memory and her temperament changed. 

I fear pain, but even more I fear losing things I value. What I mean is that I fear that something tragic might happen that would rob me of things that would leave me being less effective as a mentor, a friend, a minister, etc. Specifically I fear memory loss: losing all of my friendships in the blink of an eye. To think that all the time, energy, and love that I've invested into other might be lost to me is horrifying. 

Again, I totally realize that the hit was next to nothing, but isn't that the case with most of us? We struggle with even the small things and when we leave them unaddressed they grow. Traumas, even second-hand like my mom's wreck, can carry on in us and affect us even years down the road. My entire afternoon was affected by something that took hours for me to pin point and address because of the pain it stirred inside. Truthfully, it embarrassed me how much it affected me. 

I don't like how it affected me, and I like even less the reality that I struggle so much to trust God to protect me. That is the root of all of this. I doubt and I distrust, and not just God but the people I love most.

Out of something small I found myself feeling a lot of emotion that I wished I had dealt with a long time ago. I want to rest in the comfort that I am truly loved by others and by God, but time and time again I fall into the belief that I am unlovable and reject the idea that someone loves me for me. Even in my doubts though, God comes to me and whispers that He loves me and He keeps me going. He is there even in my hurt, in my doubt, and in my rejection of the truth. 

In the end, I am loved through all of my junk and I keep going. No matter how low I get, God pulls me right back up. He holds me and keeps me safe,..even when I fail to trust Him. 

That Grace May Abound

The other night I was sitting with a student of mine who was expressing great disappointment in himself. He had had a rough day and didn't respond to others as gracefully as he needed to. He expressed feeling like he couldn't stay on track; that every time he did something really good he would instantly follow up with something terrible. One terrible day for every really good day, and the better the good day the worse the bad day would be.

This wasn't true, though I can relate to feeling that way. I know that there are many times when I feel that same way. I feel stuck or like I'm caught in an unending, undefeatable cycle.

After expressing these feelings he turned to me and, in a place of frustration and desperation to do things right, he said "Maybe I should just do bad things and then I'll do really good things instead!"

This called my mind to the letters of Paul. "Should we then keep on sinning that grace may abound? HELL NAH!" (Culturally equivalent translation applied).

It's a natural temptation, when we face the long war against sin, to want to give up, or even to adopt a poor theology of grace. I have even thought to myself "maybe I should just get it out of my system" (Theoretically the root origin of Mardi Gras). Though I know these are deceptions and my flesh trying to justify poor decisions, I still feel the pull of temptation. I understand where my kid is coming from.

We go through patterns in life where we are constantly fighting our sin nature, our inner darkness. No matter how long you have been a Christian, you continue to struggle and strive against it. That's ok. You can stop telling yourself "I should be free of this by now!" or "I should be above all this!" Don't give in to the lie that says your prayers aren't working, and don't let yourself fall into despair. Grace isn't to grant permission to sin, but abounds that you might pick yourself back up and try again.

We will often feel like the there is more Darkness in us than Light, but Christ lives in you and therefore you stand as a candle in the abyss. You shine as a shard of hope in the midst of despair. Though you might not be able to see far, get up and keep going.