The State of Me

I am a prideful person. Most people I know say that I'm not a prideful person, but I am. I may not be arrogant and display pride openly as many do, but below the surface it lies. I will choose to do or not do various things because of my pride, including withhold my personal thoughts and feelings on a topic matter to save face or for reasons to complicated for me to explain at this time. 

It's hard to believe how fast this year has flown, and that I've been graduated for a whole year! This last year has been a humbling year for me. I left my church, I wandered from church to church and denomination to denomination trying to sort through all the questions I had and to find my place. I moved to Knoxville and took a job in collections, which ended with an request for me to voluntarily resign. Then I moved into a part time position as a sales associate. whoop whoop. I have been proverbially stabbed in the heart many times and beaten down.  

God has lead me through a year of trial and reflection. I have been forced to look at my life in ways I hadn't before and to question myself and everything I've ever learned. I ran from my problems, not to escape them and make them disappear, but instead to process them and to be able to handle them. Instead my problems chased after me and I had to fight more than I thought I would have to. Now...I am stronger.

I have experienced great mercy and great horror at the hands of human beings. I have wrestled with the lies that were etched into my mind by those I held dear and by my own habitual false believing. I've learned that God is merciful. 

I have recently come to the conclusion that I have not even scratched the surface of what God is doing in me, and I have a long way to go. I look forward to the years that lie before me and the change that will be instilled in me. I have also concluded that I have not been as open and honest as I could be academically and spiritually, or even as I SHOULD be. This is an issue I seek to cure in the weeks to come, for the sake of integrity and of character. 

I can't wait :)

Peace be with you,

Stephen