Depression. I feel it in the air like static, slowly building up and filling the atmosphere with tension and disturbing sensations. It's the ghost that wanders the halls of my soul. It's the shadows of the tunnel vision focused in on my failures and my shortcomings.
In light of Mental Health Awareness Month, I wanted to share a little bit of my own heart and journey.
As a pre-teen, and on into my teenage years, I struggled with varying levels of depression, and occasionally experienced suicidal thoughts and desires. Self-harm was no stranger to me, though I never drew blood out of fear. Self-inflicting pain was a weekly occurrence for me, and the desire to die was nearly daily. I filled multiple journals with prayers asking God to end my life. I saw no beauty in living. No peace. No freedom. In my mind, I looked at myself as being without purpose or meaning; without value.
At the age of 16, I found myself sitting in a youth service at a church that my family had just started visiting and my heart turned toward dark places. I began to contemplate the various means I had available for taking my life, from slitting my wrists to chugging pills. They all scared me, but I had decided that my fear of death and fear of facing God was no longer more unbearable than how I felt about life. I was ready for the end, but God intervened.
As I sat there in the darkness of my thoughts, the youth pastor came and sat with me and spoke life into me. He told me that even though he didn't know me, he wanted me to know that I had found a place where I belonged. He told me that he wanted to be there for me and to disciple me. I don't know if I really would have had the courage to take my own life that night, but thanks to God sending me help, I never had to find out.
Eleven years later and I have come through so many trials and storms. That conversation might have saved my life, but it didn't put an end to the onslaught of mental/emotional struggle! I have since had many nights of deep, emotional turmoil. Yet it holds true that God continues to see my through each dark night that I traverse. Each battle leads to strength and to growth. I survive.
If you struggle with mental illness of any sort, please no that you are worth the time and energy to to work through it. Please do not seek to take this on alone. Find help; find support.
We were never meant to live this life alone, and we were never meant to fight our battles in silence.
Fight for your life, because you are human and you are DEFINITELY worth it!
Grace and Peace,
Stephen
In light of Mental Health Awareness Month, I wanted to share a little bit of my own heart and journey.As a pre-teen, and on into my teenage years, I struggled with varying levels of depression, and occasionally experienced suicidal thoughts and desires. Self-harm was no stranger to me, though I never drew blood out of fear. Self-inflicting pain was a weekly occurrence for me, and the desire to die was nearly daily. I filled multiple journals with prayers asking God to end my life. I saw no beauty in living. No peace. No freedom. In my mind, I looked at myself as being without purpose or meaning; without value.
At the age of 16, I found myself sitting in a youth service at a church that my family had just started visiting and my heart turned toward dark places. I began to contemplate the various means I had available for taking my life, from slitting my wrists to chugging pills. They all scared me, but I had decided that my fear of death and fear of facing God was no longer more unbearable than how I felt about life. I was ready for the end, but God intervened.
As I sat there in the darkness of my thoughts, the youth pastor came and sat with me and spoke life into me. He told me that even though he didn't know me, he wanted me to know that I had found a place where I belonged. He told me that he wanted to be there for me and to disciple me. I don't know if I really would have had the courage to take my own life that night, but thanks to God sending me help, I never had to find out.
Eleven years later and I have come through so many trials and storms. That conversation might have saved my life, but it didn't put an end to the onslaught of mental/emotional struggle! I have since had many nights of deep, emotional turmoil. Yet it holds true that God continues to see my through each dark night that I traverse. Each battle leads to strength and to growth. I survive.
If you struggle with mental illness of any sort, please no that you are worth the time and energy to to work through it. Please do not seek to take this on alone. Find help; find support.
We were never meant to live this life alone, and we were never meant to fight our battles in silence.
Fight for your life, because you are human and you are DEFINITELY worth it!
Grace and Peace,
Stephen
